My Journey in life

OK I have decide to write about my journey of life what can I say that you don't already know, the fear of my mother dying, my mental heath, my search for the truth of why I'm here. In my life I never had a father my real father left when I was a baby which to be honest I am glad because he was a violent man toward my mother and if I ever saw him I'm sure he would be hurting so all I had was my mother. She was always sick never had any money, couldn't hold a job because she was always sick. Mum met my father got married and went over to Melbourne to live, we lived in Tassie first of all in Ulverstone it's a beautiful place. I guess mum had many dreams of being happily married but that didn't work out he left mum when I was born I sometimes wonder was it my fault could of been he wanted a girl not a boy,but for what ever reasons he still had no excuse for beating her up. So mum was left broke ,hungry heartbroken and in limbo with no place to really go. Mum told me once she lived on grapes for weeks. My grandpa came over from Tassie to take us back home to start a fresh.

So the journey begins its funny you look back upon your life and you remember about the good and bad things. When I look back at my life I seem to remember how hard it was, my grandpa was doing well he owned a construction company he used build Government buildings like Hospitals, post offices etc so we never went without anything except mum was not working because she was always sick mum wanted her own money, her own life. Mum had three sister and twin brothers all had good jobs. I was treated as the favourite nephew I remember once mum telling me because she was so sick all the time and having no money because in those early days there was no parenting pension only old age or war pension. Mum was going to let my grandpa and Nanna adopt me. It got right up to the court case but mum couldn't do it (wow what a spin out) I am glad she didn't do it but it just proves how hard it was for my mother and her family. We were brought up as roman Catholic we went to church every Sunday. So the idea that my mum was divorced with a child in those days was kind of frowned upon not like these days I remember mum having many fights with my Nana we lived with my Nana and grandpa and one thing that always sticks in my mind was mum had been out working I think she had bought hot chips home to eat at night time well Nana and mum had a huge fight I have no idea over what but I remember running up the street in my mum arms and she was crying I was wearing my dressing gown and PJ's we went to stay at my auntie Corries house. Don't get me wrong my Nana was not a bad person I love my Nana and she loved my mum and me but I guess that kind of memory sticks in your head forever.

I'm afraid growing up with my mum meant I was turning into a mummies boy, my uncles would do things with me like fishing camping etc and my mum would have a couple of boyfriends but I also thought they were wankers, one of them he used to take for a drive some where and would think it was funny to pretend to drive off and leave me there I would get scared and cried. I went to school but I was hopeless I had glasses and I stuttered a lot which meant I got picked on heaps at school, I had Bronchitis a lot too and sometimes I would get Pneumonia where I have stay in hospital for a week . I remember them giving me this orange medication it tastes like shit and I always threw up afterwards. One day I had to go to Hobart and have a tonsillectomy well while I was under my lungs collapsed so I guess I'm lucky to be here. They didn't find why this happened. I loved Xmas what kid doesn't my grandpa used to get dressed up as Santa just for me of course, I didn't know it at the time being only about Three but I used to be scared of him I used run away crying till I was a bit older and then loved it. I love my grandpa for that he was the best grandpa and what kid wouldn't want Santa coming to their house,he would take me to work with him I used sit up on the big trucks etc we went back to Melbourne for a while years later that's when my grandpa had his first heart attack mum used to think it broke his heart when we moved to Melbourne for a while he had type 2 diabetes. Years to come when I was 21 he had a massive heart attacked and died but get this he went to the doctors complaining of chest pain etc and the doctors told him it was nothing to worry about it he just couldn't take pain (bloody wankers doctors) God how I miss him. As I said before we went to Melbourne to live for a while my Auntie and Uncle lived there to with my two cousins. My mum got a job at chocolate factory which I thought was fantastic mum used bring home chocolates at night I think it was McRobinsons Chocolate factory but Im afraid my mum couldn't work there for long due to having a ulcer in her ear. Mum lived on antibiotic's maybe to much mum had many ear operations yes my poor mum has been though the mill I remember My uncle Eddie was a manager of coles in Melbourne and one Sunday he open the store just for me and bought me a small kids drum kit and I guess I was spoilt but I still remember when we were so broke we staved for a few days I never asked for a thing when we went shopping not like these days well I knew my mum couldn't afford anything.

We back to Tassie to live but in Devonport mum had a state housing place like homes west over here . It was here she met my step-father Rodney in a while they were married and I had a sister Allison she was beautiful I went to a catholic school taught by nuns I took my holly communion boy those nuns were strict and yes you got the cane in those days. One of the teachers lived near us and used to bring me home when my mum couldn't well one time she forgot me I was stuck at school for hours until mum had to borrow a car to come and get me, mum promptly took me out of that school. I went to a normal primary school I still was hopeless at school and the teachers in those days really couldn't care if you get left behind.

This is the part I dread. My mum and stepfather Rodney got married I went to the cubs first a part of the boy scouts I had fun camping etc it wasn't until I got older when I was a boy scout that I was molested by my scout leader why do I even write about it I guess to face my fear, anger etc then bury the hatchet let go of my emotions maybe ? I guess when we are young we trust the people who bring us to do the right thing but in the real world that doesn't always happen . He was our scout master, good friend of the family he used take me fishing and camping away from scouts invite me to stay at his house when his wife was away I thought this was all normal. Then things stared changing from him touching me I didn't understand ? he would always say don't tell anyone, and I didn't until years past then I felt ashamed and still do . Do I blame myself, did I enjoy it, what in the hell is going on these are so many questions I have asked myself so many times . Why wasn't he stopped, why didn't I tell anyone one ? I know I wasn't the only one because I heard another other scout talk about it. I really didn't know what to say I have carried this around all my life hardly telling a soul. I've been to counselling etc but I'm afraid I always carry this burden with me until the day I die I accept my fate and get on with my life the best I can . You see this was in the 70s and sexual abuse especially against boys was not heard of very often and those that did know about it kept quite. I'm afraid I did try to get some closure I did try to go to the police this year but it never happened maybe for the best ? open old wounds yes But I believe this wasn't the only time I was sexually abused in my life more to come later