Excrement, Inc. Homepage
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WELCOME!
Welcome to the Excrement, Inc. Homepage. Thank you for checking out our informative webpage and clicking on the link. We at Excrement, Inc. appreciate your taking the time to come see the marvels we have to offer you. There are several programs available to you, all of which are easy to learn and quick to earn. All you need is the instructional guide we provide at almost no cost to you at all.
Below are some of our primary programs, and an outline of how the affiliate system can work for you. Please take your time and don't hesitate to contact one of our crap professionals if you have any questions at all. And don't forget: crap is the key!
The Programs
Program 1: Crap Affiliate
For $39.95 we will give you crap absolutely free. We promise that the crap you get from us will be of the highest quality. We are confident that our crap is the best and we have an absolute policy on money back guarantees. This is the most basic of our programs.
Program 2: Crap Mentor
For $79.95 you can become a crap mentor and help distribute crap across the Internet to your family and your friends. Each new affiliate that you bring into Excrement, Inc. counts on your "dollop chart" where we record your Excrement, Inc. "droppings points." Yes, we at Excrement, Inc. like to have fun while we make our fortunes off of you. Your efforts, obviously being what we mean.
Program 3: Crap Master
This is the third highest level of crap you can reach. To become a crap master you must meet all the requirements of Programs 1 and 2, AND, you must become completely conversant with all the nuances of the Excrement, Inc Crap4Gas program. You will need a crap master kit to begin, which includes all of the following:
The following materials are required:
.
- The official Crap4Gas handbook ..................................................................... $39.95
- Excrement, Inc. Sani-plus Crap-gatherer mitts ............. $19.95
- Scent-o-Sweet Excrement, Inc. high-tech respiratory shields ...........................................................................$48.95 per box
- *Excrement, Inc. Z13 Crap Scooper deluxe ....................$11.95
- Excrement, Inc. virgin vinyl, ultra-tough methane conductive tubes .............................................................................$09.95 per box
- Excrement, Inc. high capacity crap tank ........................ $23.95
*Act now and receive a bonus Crap Scooper Deluxe at NO CHARGE with your order
If you like money and privilege and being gawked at from across the room by hawt chicks or hawt guys, this is the program for you.
How it works:
Once you have purchased your complete kit, you will find instructions on how to harvest crap in your house and around your neighborhood. Step by step, illustrated guidelines show you how to properly pack crap into your high capacity crap tank, route your methane tubes into your vehicle's fuel rail and ultimately save our world (not to mention a few bucks at the pump).
We hope you like money and privilege and being gawked at from across the room.
Program 4: Crap Ninja
For $1000.00 we will automatically send you everything you need for Programs 1-3 AND we will send you a special Excrement, Inc. ninja suit to wear whenever you leave the house. This stunning ensemble announces to all the world that you have moved past simple crap mastery and now carry the status of ninja instead. Your powers will be formidable and no one will dare cross crap with you. This is a position of power that promises access to anything you want, including saving kittens, puppies and even babies across the world. This is the most desirable Program and should be considered carefully. Be sure you are willing to have this much attention from members of the opposite sex, because as a crap ninja, you will need all your focus to stave their groping hands and open checkbooks off. They aren't just gawking anymore!
We can't promise this last part we're about to bring up, but we believe it is possible that crap ninja's receive occasional emails from God. What can we say? It's just one of those inexplicable things.
Isn't it Obvious?
Excrement, Inc. would like to thank you for coming by and looking at all the exciting things we have to offer you. We appreciate your business too. Please, if you are paying by check, make sure there are adequate funds in your account.
For your convenience, we do offer a program granting us unlimited access to your bank account so that you don't have to be troubled to make payments to your account with us should you need more crap. Oh, and obviously we would be using that to pay you all your huge rewards too when they manifest, which obviously they will for sure.
Thanks again, and have a lovely day.
--The Management
- Excrement, Inc. membership benefits page
check out this informative page on what you can do with the power of crap! (Really, it's half the fun, click it!)
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Comments
Yeah, imagine a site like this without forty-six working buy-now links LOL
WOW! I could make a fortune, there's a lot of crap in my neighbourhood, but how do I order?
Thx for the exciting opportunity!
You bet, Shirley. We at Excrement, Inc. are here for YOU!
omg you are funny and full of CRAP! :)
Mumz, you are correct. I am a crap ninja... you can be too!
I was really disappointed with your course.
My goal is to be something more than a Crap Ninja, just wandering the world looking for other peoples crap to harvest.
I have a dream.
I want to produce my OWN crap and become a Crap Sensei.
But I sense we can work together on this.
Perhaps we can become affiliaturd.
BTW - You've outdone yourself this time. Love it.
Shadesbreath! Finally a work from home buz.opportunity that sounds as if it's legit. I can't tell you how often I've been disappointed in the past. Thank you for this awesome opportunity.Please sign me up. I want to get to the top rank as fast as possible.
Nice of you to share this get rich real fast program.
Looking forward to hearing from you real soon
regards Zsuzsy
Sorry I forgot to ask....'Excrement, Inc. Sani-plus Crap-gatherer mitts' Do these super-duper-pooper mitts come in a fashionable array of color?
Very impressive hub. zs
Eric, once we recieve your check for the $1000.00 (or the credit card funds are secured) we can begin to discuss ways to further your business opportunities with Excrement, Inc. Rome was not built in a day.
Zsuzsy,
Yes, we have a fashionable array of two colors presently, blue and white. When you place your order you will see the option there. Thank you for your interest in Excrement, Inc. and remember: crap is the key!
LMAO! Just what I needed after a very long day on the J.O.B.! I'll be signing up asap :-)
Question: will I make money off my downline if I manage to recruit about a bazillion other crap affiliates?
I don't know what's the funniest...your hub, your readers' comments, or the Google ads: ads ranging from making millions of dollars to controlling rats. Wait! Maybe that's the point. Maybe Google AdSense got it right.
Fantastic, Shadesbreath. I will think about the opportunities available at Excrement, Inc. every time I walk the doggie and pick up her poop. Her poop could be a supplement to the program, right? To heck with flies eating it, I'm going to put it in its own high capacity crap tank. Recycle, repurpose reuse, I always say. And all Excrement, Inc. needs from me to make it happen is my credit card. What genius!
@ Dineane
Yes, sign up NOW before the bonus Z 13 Crap Scooper Deluxe offer expires!
@ Shirley,
yes you will. Your downline will feed into many of the rewards you receive (most of which are expanded on in the other Excrement, Inc. hub). Please sign up now so we can start giving you crap.
@ Sally's Trove
Yes, aren't the ads this thing gets fantastic. LOL. It's like a bug zapper, pulling them in and zapping them.
Shadesbreath - if we are going to be affiliaturd, I have something much more valuable than mere money to tempt you to share your secrets.
I have access to a large supply of the rarest crap in the world - Rocking Horse Crap.
I'll send over a kilogram. This is so valuable because it is infinitely compressible. Therefore, you can fit enough into a small container to keep your crap4gas powered car going for several years.
So you see, it's in your best interest for us to be affiliaturd.
You'll find it's better to have me inside your tent pissing out, than outside your tent pissing in.
Well, Eric, you may be familiar with another subsidiary of Global Fecal Enterprises: Urea, LLC. It's a small company, but I'm sure, should you find it necessary to station yourself outside our pavilion and... divest your self of liquidity..., we might find ways to milk said agression to GFE's benefit. Never underestimate GFE!
However, we are interested in your rocking horse idea, and I will forward it to our CEO, Chairman Merde for consideration. At the very least, we might purchase the rights to that idea and sit on them until the world's regular crap supplies run out. No sense skipping over a century of profit just to save a few commoners a buck.
:lol:
I hadn't realised the extent of the resource base that your fecal tentacles dip into.
And as for the commoners - yeah, let 'em eat cake.
Cow Cake.
mmm, cake lol
This is exactly what I've been looking for all my life. My dog wants to join too. (He knows about big crap, trust me.)
You mention emails from God--Is there a spiritual aspect to this program that you've forgotten to exploit, um, I mean, fully explain? I smell spirituality here.
If you would like for me to spin this web copy 150 different ways so it will be picked up by Google better, I'll do it for ten bucks through Elance.
You must be making a fortune with targetted ads like this one:
Dog poo removal
A range of machines manufactered for collecting dog faeces
Pgrundy, we at Excrement, Inc. would LOVE to have you spin the crap out of our crap. We will gladly pay you for your time with a $20 voucher towards Excrement, Inc. programs, and will throw in a free Crap Scooper deluxe! That's a $31.95 value for ten bucks worth of work!!! Go for it!
Eric, yes we are, but if you continue to reveal the trade secrets we have patented in our Crap4Gas manual, we may be forced to take legal action. Dog poo removal is OUR program and we have all rights reserved. Only people who become affiliates and buy our books should be made aware of that activity. Please refrain from future references to picking up dog poo or litigation may be our only choice.
Cow Cake, Cow Patties in Oklahoma.
Shadesbreath....I'm catchin' my breath, but slowly, I don't want to breathe too deep here. and Step HIGH, folks if you ain't wearin' yur boots. hahaah
Buy a Scent-o-Sweet High-tech Respiratory shield, Marisue. The answers are out there, at Excrement, Inc.
Wow, this totally passes the smell test. With distinktion.
Now where did that checkbook of mine bounce off to?
@shadesbreath. At least your'e consistent. Even your threats are full of crap.
BTW I'm ROFL laughing at the latest google ad to appear on this hub:
Xocai Healthy Chocolate
Delicious antioxidant chocolate Eat for your health and wealth
(Wonder what keywords THEY were buying? ? ? )
OHmygosh, Shadesbreath-- I go away for just a week or so and almost miss the opportunity of a lifetime. I definitely want to be a part of the Excrement empire. If I play my cards right, maybe I can take advantage of some of the other great programs offered by Global Fecal Enterprises. I've made such a fortune writing here at hubpages that I want to start right out with Program 4 and get it all for a mere $1000--can't wait for the ninja suit-- so stylish--so powerful--so full of crap. I love it!!!!!!!
Marian Swift's pun scores swiftly with distinktion :)
@ Eric. Ain't that a kick? Who isn't ready to click on a chocolate add after reading this hub? lol. Google spiders or whatever they call the add maker thingies just aren't equipped to deal with humor. The adds some of my stuff gets are awesome... I'll die a pauper given that I'm probably riddiculing the very things they're trying to sell, but, alas, such is the price of fun.
And Robie, welcome back. You're not too late, though. We at Excrement, Inc. always have time for your money. I'm certain you will look stunning as a Program 4 affiliate. You'll be the envy of your neighborhood as you cartwheel up and down your block dealing death to the doggie dollops on everybody's lawn with your dual-wielded crap scoopers deluxe!
Do you have any scratch 'n sniff products available?
Stacie,
All such inquiries should be made to Global Fecal Enterprises home office, care of R&D in the Department of Flavors and Aromas.
Stacie,
The folks at Excrement have energy conservation in mind.
You don't have to scratch them. Just sniff.
Bummer. I know a third grader who deserves a scratch and sniff.
Idunno, sounds like a load of crap to me.
Eric, you think like a CEO, mayhaps we'll have our HR get in touch with you.
Stacie, is this scratch and sniff a reward or punishment? lol
Akeejaho, start out as a Program 1 affiliate and try it out. As you may recall, that program is absolutely free for the most part. Once you try it will know it is truly a load of crap.
This is real genius at work. However I as a fellow peddler of crap, i intend to copy your business model. Or we could do this amicably and you could just hire me.
If it isn't already obvious that I'm full of crap, click here, really it's half the fun!
www.hubpages.fakelink.com
DJ, we appreciate your enthusiasm, and there is no doubt that you are full of crap with the best of us. The best way to get "hired" with us is to become an affiliate. Consider becoming a crap master or crap ninja and put your crap to work!
Oh crap: or as we say in NZ poos,bums,wees! Have I think I am too late to win big with the affiliate sales others have got on the first tier before me. Crap, crap, crap, perhaps I can make a small suggestion? Video marketing is the new buzz and I really think you need to add this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ6N5m8FpVg
Lissie,
While the leap from spam to crap is large, the redundancy is not, and I support anything Monty Python purely on the premise of their absolute genius, so, I give the video a nine stools out of ten rating.
The leap from spam to crap is large? Oh, not really, no I don't think so.
Hey crap sells, thanks for the laughs.
Wow! I thought my husband was full of crap, boy was I wrong!
I grunted over this one for a long time, but I think it will be the best $1,000 I ever threw down the crapper! Send my ninja kit, NOW!!!
Wow! There was a lot crap here. Some of that crap was really expensive, too! But, I think it's worth it, cause there's a lot of crap in the world and I plan to harvest every bit of it and become Crap Sensei Master, and kick the crap outta Eric.
Hee-hee-hee!
This was hilarious!! Some of this crap is true!
Shirley, "not" and "no" worked just right in that to make me laugh. Nice use of voice. lol
ty Bob, happy to oblige
Lilymag, never underestimate a man's crap reserves, but I thank you for the assessment LOL.
RmR, we at Excrement, Inc. appreciate your ... efforts... on our behalf. Your ensemble is in the mail.
CW, we could make Excrement, Inc. hazmat suits to sell to the crowd for protection against flying doo-doo, and then stage the combat between you and Eric as entertainment at an Excrement, Inc. "meet and greet."
Heh heh, yeah, Lady Guinevere, almost scary in a way. lol. Thanks for the comment.
I love it!
Hey Eric, ya big cream-puff, what say you?!
Ah, absent, I see! Me thinks thy spine tis as yellow as a ... big, uh... yellow something-or-other.
Excrement.inc meet and greet! How lovely...I want front seat tickets please. I'll be arriving in the crap-proof mobile (obviously crap-gas powered)
zs
@ Constant Walker
Grasshopper, you speak with the innocent courage of youth.
You have obviously not learned that age and treachery will defeat youth and skill every time.
I have now paid over $50,000 to Excrement Inc, and have gone WAY past Sensei level.
In fact, I now know more than Shadesbreath about crap, and he and his minions have seen the limitations of their little global empire.They have now joined me in my burning passion of spreading crap intergalactically.
And Constant Walker, (or Constant Crawler as you will known after our bout) will have the honour of being the hood ornament on the maiden voyage of my space machine the "Turdis".
(I hope that your friend the Donkey will be at the meet and greet with plenty of towels, bandages, splints, and adrenalin capsules. I want you to survive until you are bolted to the roof of the Turdis)
I have ordered the t-shirts, caps and frisbees for this CW vs. EG event, they are being made as we speak. I have also put out a call for some bikini model auditions. We are going to create a team of Crap Girls to provide extra publicity and appeal at this and future Excrement, Inc. events.
Glad you exposed another scam here.
I think I am the scam this time LOL
Bikini clad girlies? Where is equality here? If you spend your life essence into this deal-ee-oo you might consider pleasing all...huncky guys (not pretty boys) need to be on the menu too...
not just a customer's opinion but an affiliates
regards Zsuzsy
Something doesn't smell quite right, here. But I am sending along my (ok, someone else's) credit card info, with cautious optimism.
EG, I laugh at your hollow words: Ha-ha!
And again, Ha-ha!!
Because I know something you don't! I was the test subject for the Excrement Program. Yes that's right! The original, and only TRUE Excrement Sensie Master - to the Nth degree!
You, and your minions, are but bugs to me, to be squished, nay squashed!, beneath my pinky finger.
One more time, Ha-ha!!!
Zsuzsy,
Of course, you are absolutely correct and the administrator who argued with me when I suggested the man-toy idea has had his ninja suit revoked. Thanks to your valuable affiliate input, the Crappin'dale Dancers idea is back on the table, as it were, and they will be at the event as well.
B.T.,
We at Excrement, Inc. don't care whose credit card number it is, just so long as it works. Welcome to the program!
CW,
After you squash the minions, be sure to get your Excrement, Inc. fingernail brush with your 10% affiliate discount:
Excrement, Inc. Craptastic Fingernail Brush ....... $12.95
Affiliate discount .................................................. -$1.29
Net price ............................................................. $11.66
(Don't forget to select your insured shipping choice with your order)
How about my front row tickets? I requestedthem 14 hour ago...please don't tell me that you're sold out. My crap-gas powered car is 'gassed-up' and ready to go.
zs
Mine was supposed to be free - for squashing the minions. Don't pretend you weren't in on this!
...Besides, I'm broke from getting my Excrement Sensei Master, to the Nth Degree, degree. Could you front me a twenty?
Your tickets were sent, Zsuzsy. You should have gotten them by now. I hope you bought shipping insurance for them!
CW, in the interest of fair competition, we are unable to provide you with a free Excrement, Inc. Craptastic Fingernail brush, a $12.95 value, without being required by company policy to do likewise for your competitor. We do not wish to appear as if we are taking sides in this combat, so you will be responsible for providing your own.
A $20.00 loan can be arranged through Excrement, Inc. Financial services, however. Please call 1-800-FOR-CRAP to apply.
Outstanding!
I was wondering about alternate forms of payment. I wanted to purchase tickets to the big event, but, in a feeding frenzy, I seem to have eaten the cash that was set aside for this purpose. Given the name of you enterprise, I was thinking that I could still recover said cash, and mail it to you. Some time tomorrow, I'm thinking.
Too funny! I got nothin' ...for now.
Yes, B.T. why don't you complete the cash recovery process then take the, erm, output of your efforts to the bank and make a, uh, deposit. We'll be all set for a direct cash transfer from there. Good thinking!
CW... I'm waiting.
I'm afraid that I would lose a fortune, what with the exchange rate and all. Perhaps you could just send the tickets, and when I get my high-capacity crap tank, I'll just send it right back with all of the dividends inside. I may have neglected to mention that, in the course of the aforementioned feeding frenzy, I may have also ingested 3 gold bracelets, and a Rolex. In light of this, I think you will be more than satisfied with the transaction.
Well, being that you are a jackalope and we do have special policies regarding jackalopes that allow for easy credit terms, we'll send the tickets to you in anticipation of your passing that Rolex along.
Wow, Shadesbreath, you are hilarious. Do you have a program for strong people who can handle more? I'm talking about horse crap magnitude
As a crap ninja, you will have the power to do anything.
If I call within the next 30 minutes, can I have another Crap Ninja package sent to my best friend?
Of course you can, just so long as one of you includes the requisite $1000.00. However, if you buy three additional crap ninja suits, we will include a ninja suit for your dog, cat, hamster or parakeet for no additional fee. (We are out of fish ninja suits at present, sorry).
I have just received my Crap Ninja kit, with 3 (odd number?) tickets to the big fight enclosed. I am simply amazed at the crapsmanship that went into the manufacture of these items. I am presently wolfing down fiber supplements, as well as several brands of uuuuuuuh...digestive aids, to expedite the..... uh-oh!
Sorry about that, but I have suddenly "liberated" a rolex, a couple of bracelets, a small sum of cash and... Hey, how'd that get in there? Fortunately, my high capacity tank was at hand, and the recently liquidated assets will be in the mail, in short order. Thank you for extending credit to this poor Jackalope! Happily, things (as they always do) worked themselves out in the end.
Anything for an affiliate!!!
p.s. please thoroughly clean the Rolex before mailing your payment.
Shadesbreath, you are SO gullible.
B.T. Evilpants has been scamming honest, hardworking marketers like yourself with his "I accidentally ate my money - here's a Rolex instead" scam for ages.
This evil Jackalope character is SO full of crap that if it were helium, he'd be able to fill the Graf Zeppelin.
You'll never get your delivery. He'll just give you loads of excuses saying "The Crap Is In The Mail"
Good luck with the fake Rolex. It's probably from the cheap batch that has "ROXLE" on the dial. ROFLMAOAYG
(Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off At Your Gullibility )
I'm sending a receipe for Jackalope Stew in a separate email. You may find that handy.
P.S. You may wonder how come I know so much about this?
Well, he Hasn't paid me yet for the last batch of watches, which I supplied him at a very cheap price due to a small manufacturing error caused by a dyslexic ex employee.
And CW: re your foolhardy comment about our impending bout:
What a load of crap.
Well, when he arrives security will deal with him should it turn out to be true. Excrement, Inc. doesn't take lightly to being scammed!!!! Thanks for the heads up.
This brought a smile to my face after a yucky day :) This is great, wonderful fake-company hub.
"Fake?" You mean you doubt this crap is true? lol
EG, I am appalled that you would raise such allegations. You, sir, are a Jackaphobe of immense proportions! I also must warn you, that I have family and friends on every continent, who fight tirelessly to defeat Jackaphobes, and anti-lopes of every kind. Perhaps I detect a Jackalope somewhere in your lineage? I urge you to cease this effort to slander the good name of Evilpants, or I shall taunt you a second time!
Shadesbreath, I assure you that the crap I have sent is genuine. Beautifully crafted, with no misspellings. However, in the event that some nefarious postal worker has corrupted the package, and removed the inner workings of said Rolex, well, I can hardly be held responsible for that. As for the charges levelled by EG, he has been sending his people to badger me for months. Just yesterday, I had to send my werefrog friend after one of them. Poor guy already had a broken leg, but when he saw the werefrog, he fell over, and broke the other one!
Mr. B.T. Evilpants.
You are a bounder and a cad.
My efforts to bring you to ground will soon be successful.
My detective agency, Green Tree In The Ground, (with branches in all states, and roots in all suburbs) is closing in on you.
And your brown ninja suit disguise will do you no good.
Sir, it is only fair to warn you, that i am a VERY important figure in the GCS (Global Cryptid Community), and the IBC (International Brotherhood of Cryptids). I have close ties to some very nasty Aussie creatures. If, by chance, you are not familiar with the Bunyip, and the Drop Bear, I strongly suggest that you GOOGLE them. It would be wise for you to prepare for their special brand of evil. If you choose to continue this anti-cryptid campaign, I will be forced to issue the call to arms.
Cordially
B.T.
Testimonial: I have just received my first affiliate payment! Much larger than I ever expected, although it seems to have been deposited into my savings account, directly from my checking. I'm sure this is simply a coincidence. I can't thank you enough for this incredible opportunity! I have referred 47 of my closest friends (perhaps my future payments could come from their accounts?).
P.S.- Do I have to report my earnings as "crapital gains?"
RmR, thanks for that splendid craptimonial! And yes, of course it is a coincidence that your deposit came from your savings to your checking. Normally it's done the other way and we certainly apologize. To rememdy this error we will undo this mistake, and will transfer twice your earnings when we make the correct deposit to your savings to your checking. And once we get your friends' account numbers, you can be sure we'll be able to manage your second request.
As for BT and Eric, well, Eric, how many matches you plan on fighting at our event anyway?
I do not mind waiting for Eric to finish his first match, before I get hold of him. I am very patient. As a matter of fact, anyone else who would like a piece of him, and I suspect there are many, is welcome to jump ahead of me. I am more than happy to wait my turn. Once he is worn out... I mean warmed up, I'll be there, willing to take up the fight!
Brave semi-bunny that you are. lol.
Constant Wanker (er Walker), Evilpants, etc.
Your taunts are like the finest gossamer strands beating against hardened steel.
You cannot imagine the forces that will be unleashed against you.
All I'm going to say is that when I'm done, you, BT, will be eligible to join the Global Cryptorchid Community.
Ha-ha! 'Wanker' I love it... made me laugh... pretty funny Grodies, I mean, Graudins. Such sharp wit ...for a man who will soon be but a brown stinky smudge, like a racing stripe in a fat man's tighty-whities.
Eww, the taunting has gotten dirty now.
"tighty-whities" ? The mind boggles.
Shadesbreath,
Just make sure there's a big enclosed cage around the venue so that these characters can't escape.
We have Excrement, Inc. bulldozers and backhoes digging out a giant pit arena as we speak. The lot of you will be thrown down there together and the winner will be tossed a rope.
Sounds like my kind of venue! I spent several years as a pit-fighter. Armpits, mostly, but same idea. From earlier comments, I might surmise that CW will be...preoccupied. Are there rules regarding foreign objects?
By the way, if I'm getting thrown into this crap pit match, do I get refund on my tickets? I assume you do not need tickets if you are in the pit.
Foreign objects are required. At least one per combatant.
And you need tickets to get here. :P
I hope they needn't be inanimate. I have some devilish ideas going through my head, at the moment!
No, the more creative, the better. Size is also not an issue.
The only "foreign objects" will be hurtling dingle-berries to blind your eyes! That's right, I said it! Whatcha gonna do about it?!
Bring it on, Vilepants!
..."It's what? 'Evilpants'? I don't get it - is that good or bad? What kind of name is that? It's who? well... Oh, I am? Shit!"
As I was saying... if you mess with Crap Sensei Master Nth, Infinity ...and a bag of chips (or something like that!) you get the dingle-berries.
Let me ask you this, CW. If you are up to your chin in a crap pit, and a jackalope throws a bucket of bat guano at you, do you duck? I think we'll find the answer, soon enough!
What an interesting visual that question creates.
Can a jackalope even hold a bucket of bat guano?
I think not!
It could scoop up the handle in it's antlers?
The first line said it all:
Program 1: Crap Affiliate
For $39.95 we will give you crap absolutely free.LOL, thanks for noticing that, Rbnstr08. That's probably the line I'm most proud of. Heh.
I have noticed this scam that is being perpetrated on hubpages. I also know that the headquarters for this load of crap is in the Texas Desert. If you don't refund all of the moneys colllected forthwith I will have no option but to call out the guard to arrest everyone at the the crap shoot event and drop a noocileer weapon of Morass destruction on the headquarters; spray crap far and wide thus fertilising the desert. We will then drop water bombs on the desert ending up in a green desert.
You can then subcribe to the greening of the desert project authorised by no less than Dubya, commander in chief, who requested that I send this communique!
LOL..
Sixy, Excrement, Inc. and it's parent company Global Fecal Enterprises have been sitting across the table shooting crap with the greatest crapmasters on the globe, as was discussed on the Excrement, Inc. benefits page
http://hubpages.com/_16j5pvff7gogj/hub/Make-Money-
So, given that we have access to the military of all world governments, AND, given that we do get the occasional email from God, Excrement, Inc. will see to it that the missiles are shot down, and, should annihilation take place, we will simply have God ressurect us anyway.
Don't fight this kind of power, Sixty. You can't. Join us. Just us and be one with the brown side of the force.
Not to worry. We have an "Operative" in South Africa. Sixty, the Crap is about to hit the Sudan.
Very good and amusing hub. I love it.
CW, you know not the powers you and Sixty risk unleashing. You think your silly nuclear bombs or hydrogen bombs, whatever your "operative" can get stand a chance against an Excrement, Inc. XG-46 Methane bomb? I think you fool yourself my friends.
SweetiePie, thanks, I'm glad you had a little fun with the silliness here :)
Not that it's silliness of course, being the genuine business interest that it is, etc. and so on.
Shadesbreath, dumkauff! The threat was against Sixty, on BEHALF of Crap, Inc. Remember me; Crap Sensei Master, Nth, Bag 'o Chips, all that rot? Shall I send a transcript?
Sheesh, I've got to start hanging with a brighter bunch of ne'er-do-wells...
I thought you turned on us, as loyalty's footing can be squishy in the crap fields.
(Either that or my critical reading skills are at a low ebb this morning due to a... long evening heh)
@ sixtyorso
Gave me a great laugh when you quoted Dubya as sending missiles against the HQ of GFE.
You've been conned by him. He must really hate you.
I'll let you into a little secret.
Dubya is the silent partner is all this, and is the right hand man of Shadesbreath. After all, NOBODY in the world knows more about flogging crap than good old Dubya.
Did you hear his best one yet, when he said today that the US financial system was sound.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Too much! ROFLMAO.
Ok Ok Guys I have just had another load of crap from Washington. Dubja says and I quote " we cannot s(h)it and shoot Crap with these infidels, we must protect the Crapitalist interests of the YOU ESS SAY! Nuke em I say" " I don't know these people" " I have never had social intercourse with 'em" "they are misquoting me"
"The IRS has no record of these people. NUKE em send out the militia. get Condolesa to use her rice to flood the Crap farms!"
So now who do I believe? Shadesbreath I will join you against the common enema. But I must be given a postion on top of the crap heap! We will all end up on a slippery slope! We must prevent he turd force from attacking!!!
Give 'em gas guys!
Hey, pal; if you want to be king of this particular hill, You have to jump into the muck with everyone else. You will have to come and take your chances in the pit. Be forewarned, it's a crapshoot!
Yes, Sixty, BT is right. Come to the meet-and-greet and you will be tossed in the pit with the rest them.
OK, I turned up at the pit at the appointed time.
Obviously I've intimidated the hell out of CW and that midget antelope because they weren't there. And sixtyorso probably was at a meeting with Dubbya and didn't show up either.
So I claim the Crown of Crap, and will wear it proudly.
Thanks to everyone else who was there. It was great meeting all the other Global affiliates, and we certainly laid some pipe after the meet and greet, didn't we!
Thanks to GFE for putting on this wonderful event.
Hanshi Eric G.
10th Dan Black Belt (Brown stripe)
Supreme CRAP sensei and Overlord of the Galaxy.
Conqueror of Jackalopes, Friend of Affiliates, and Protector of Blowflies.
Eric, you know I love you man, but, umm, all those people at the "meet and greet" you attended were the construction folks and plumbers installing the drain in the pit... and the, uh.. Jackalope you beat down thinking it was BT was a little girl carrying a Bullwinkle doll, the daughter of what wasnt' CW, but was actually the VP of Marketing for Global Fecal who'd come to check out the progress of the pit. You're a month early, chief.
While we appreciate your enthusiasm, I have to say, nice work, dude. Do you have any idea how much explaining I have to do?
OMG what a hoot. I cannot write anything because I am limp from laughing!
This would make a great video for Utube. The star would have to be Steve Martin (AKA as Eric) Shadesbreath could be played by C3PO or one of the alien3 monsters. CW by Wookie, and Jackalope by (or the little girl) by Will Smith's precocious daughter! Now picture that. The crap could be played by one of Steve Jobs' vitual reality programs. I would of course be played by myself as there is only one of me!But.. Dubja culd be my stunt double!
Sixty, get the funding and cast together for the movie and we'll run with that idea. I like it! Although I think George Clooney or Mathew McConnahay (however you spell it) would be more aesthetically suited to capture the essence of me.
@ shadesbreath who said "You've a month early chief"
Crikey I'm an idiot.
I plain forgot that you Yankees are a month behind Australian time!
Never mind, I'll be there on the appointed day.
(Psst. That Evilpants character has published a hub. He's strutting about over there like Lord Muck. Cheeky bugger. Or did he purchase your new "Baron of Crap" extension package which entitles him to behave like that? )
Movie! . Hmm. Would be good to have a film crew at the meet and greet. Probably the guys from Bum Fights would be good to shoot the new series "Crap Fights".
Yes, Evilpants is definately full of crap now. Oh, and if you really are a month in the future, why don't you tell me who wins some big sporting events so I can go make some bets. We can work out a system, split profits etc. And wtf is Bum Fights?
Eric, as you did not return to learn where you went wrong with your stew, I can only assume your party was an abysmal failure. So sorry.
Shadesbreath, Jackalopes are quick learners, and I have learned from the master. You appear to have created a veritable crap monster. I thank you for the education! I have cancelled my order for the Baron of crap package, as I expect to be seated upon the "throne" of the Emporer of Crap, in the near future.
@ Shadesbreath:
Yes, we are a month in the future, but Australian laws prevent disclosure of the results of future sporting events to non residents.
However, I have obtained a special exemption to let you know the result of my forthcoming event with B.T. Evilpants. (For licensing purposes, the pit will legally become my backyard for the duration of the contest.)
http://taseric.com/lope.gif
Bum Fights? Search for it at http://JustBloodyGoogleIt.com
@ B.T. - You are correct - Jackalope Stew was not served at my party yesterday, but it was not a failure.
See your hub at http://hubpages.com/hub/BT--True-Hollywood-Story
How weird, I swear I posted an unbelievably witty response to you two a week ago. Apparently I neglected to push the right button. Clearly the operation of a gianormous legitimate business interest as this distracted me. So insert something just hilarious and pretend the timing is not completely off now. /sigh
At least one hub here that Spryte has not discovered yet! gloat gloat!
I am experiencing uncontrollable fits of laughter, due to the clever reply you intended to post, Shadesbreath. It would have been so funny, as to inspire a hub unto itself.
As an aside, have you considered exploiting further revenue possibilies from this massive Excrement inc sanctioned event? I'm thinking pay per view. If WWE can get 50 bucks for Wrestlemania, You can certainly get more than that for this extravaganza!
Yeah, Sixty, I reckon she'll stumble upon this at some point and bring on some more rapier wit with which to fence, adding to the fray. Can't wait. I hope she reads the other once first though just so the effort wasn't totally for nothing lol. I still think puppy shakes is hilarious. /sigh. Humor is so fickle.
And BT, I knew you would appreciate the pure comedic genius of that unposted comment I would have made. It was truly inspired wit, even if I do say so myself.
I'll look into what PPV will pay, and I'm thinking of talking to some of my boys in Vegas to see if they want a piece of this too.
@ shadesbreath.
So - you thought you replied and didn't.
Pushed the wrong button.
Well that rates right up there with "The dog ate my homework".
It's OK. We're your friends. We understand that the combined force of myself and B.T. Evilpants was too much for you to take, and overloaded your few remaining brain cells.
We'll try not to stress you out too much in future.
Eric, perhaps his oversight is a sign of weakness. If we stop bickering, and join forces, we could stage a hostile takeover!
So sorry for my late arrival, I've been dealing with constipation. Now the crap is flowing freely again I request speedy delivery of the Crap Ninja package. Don't worry about the God email link, I already have that. God has given me a blessing to excel at crap in the pursuit of perfection. May the force be with us.
In acknowledgement of my wadding knee deep in crap for a good length of time, I seriously genuinly really truly want an Excrement Inc T shirt. When is this item going into RR production? I will wear it with pride as a reminder that crap happens and when crap isn't happening I can be assured that this state of uncrapness is but a void which will be filled very quickly with more crap.
Shades the harbinger has arrived! I am also trembling in my boots with the thought that a Jackalope and an Australian (who by anecdotal evidence is a lover of Kangaroos and dingoes -aren't all Aussies?) are going to join forces! OMG maybe some of the other hubbers (names withheld for fear of reprisals) are right and this is part of the conspiracy of wealth. The Illuminati are coming to light up the Crap farms. Or maybe they will leave us alone seeing as all we have left is a pile of crap at the top of the Pyramid (I dare not say MLM scheme!). Offload lots of goods on Jewel!
Ah yes, the old conspiracy theory resurfaces. I heard about this at the last meeting of the Bilderberg Group. Not to worry. My recent appointment to the Trilateral Commission wil ensure complete objectivity and fairness in all matters.
OMG you admit this! Who have we (that is me and my paranoid alter ego) got to turn to now! Dubja is not talking to me either after I warned you he was going to nuke the meet and great site. He tells me that he is being threatened with another impeachment hearing over Crap Inc. and is mad at me other this issue. Also my hint that Rice may be used as a secret weapon definitely did not curry any favours.
They don't call me Evilpants for nothin'.
Stop bickering and join forces? Sounds like a plan B.T. Hmm. You and me up the top of the New World Order !
I reckon poor ol' Shadesbreath is losing the plot in a big way. Just look at the way he's cultivatin all these young ladies lately.
Methinks he's had a swelled head ever since the number of his fans reached the same number as his I.Q.
@ sixtyorso: That Rice lady is in Australia. Please get someone to take her home.
We would hold absolute power. The opposition seems to be shrinking, as the event nears. Even Constant Walker seems to have taken a hike. If we play our cards right, we can throw SB, and sixty into the pit to duke it out. The winner retains a seat on the board, while the loser is flushed into obscurity.
@ Sixty
DOn't worry about Eric and BT joining forces. Even united they have not the bowels to take on the might of Excrement, Inc. When the time comes, they will be pushed into the pit and, after we laugh at them and cheer them to mutual annihilation, the winner will stand alone, triumphant for the moment as the bulldozers push the ponderous piles of poo back into the pit. Until then it's just a lot if hot air from them, or methane... whatever. It does make a pretty blue flame when you light it though. You see that? So cool.
As for the "cultivating" thing, Eric, I cultivate nothing. The fecund nature of Excrement, Inc. has an essence that draws females, flies and fighters in equal measure and quite outside any efforts of mine. The combatants just showed up first. Be glad that the fairer sex has arrived, they will oogle in awe once you and BT oil up and go all gladiator in the Pit of Poop. To the victor go the spoils. Or, in the absense of spoils, maybe a t-shirt or something while I take the ladies out on the Excrement, Inc. yacht.
And yeah, BT, I think you guys scared the pants off of CW. However, I will have nothing to do with the pit so, if he don't show, well, the easier for you both. As a high-ranking and powerful, uh, ranking member of Excrement, Inc. it would be beneath my dignity to grapple in the poo pit with you. I must hold myself aloof and stuff.
@ Eric
Your comment just proves how little you know. I haven't had a braincell for at least four years, possibly longer, so, hah, nice try pal.
@ Jewels
I'm so happy to hear that everything came out smoothly in the end. You have no idea how worried we all were.
Dear Sirs:
It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter.
Upon initially discovering your product(s) I was overjoyed. At last, the solution to my problem was at hand. Without hesitation, I plunked my life’s savings down and invested in Program #3. I would have gone for Program #4, but (and I mean no disrespect) the ninja suit did not come in any color that I found even remotely flattering.
Upon the arrival of my equipment, I proceeded to build my excremental empire. With five cats and three litter boxes, there was more than enough material to harvest right beneath my nose…so to speak. I was so sure of my success that I quit my job. If I was going to make tons of money dealing with crap…it may as well be my own crap and nobody else’s crap.
The start up was a bit rough as the manuals didn’t seem to anticipate such things as clumping cat litter and other foreign materials, such as hairballs and half-digested pieces of houseplant, which sullied the purity of the final product. The mitts came in handy…but you may want to redesign the scooping device to incorporate a claw mechanism (just a thought). Switching to non-clumping cat litter helped as well. I’d recommend Fresh Step (tm etc) since the blue particles really stand out and the odor capturing crystals don’t hurt either!
Well, with the kinks worked out, business was humming along nicely. Even my husband got in on the action. Before this capitalistic venture, we’d always fight over who had to scoop the crap out of the boxes, but since this was now an investment in our future, he was only too eager to harvest the daily yield…and even insisted that he could do it better.
I should have known this was just too good to be true. There came a day when I went to gather up the crap that had accumulated overnight and to my dismay, there was not a single dollop to be found in any of the three boxes. I sifted like a mad woman…but all I could find was a petrified piece that had clung to the underside of the rim.
Needless to say, despite their protestations, I examined my little poop machines for problems. I poked them, I squeezed them, I turned them over to see if there was any blockage…and after applying numerous bandages (boy those suckers put up a fight, don’t they?) I came to the conclusion that their stool had simply evaporated or perhaps was absorbed back into their systems for some complex biological purpose.
The only solution I could come up with was to increase the input…thus, hopefully, increasing the output. I tried Friskies, Tender Vittles, Fancy Feast…even some rather expensive albacore tuna that I’d been saving for lunch…all to no avail. Each morning I’d snap on my mitts, grab my little shovel and …nothing.
I suspected that perhaps the cats were holding out on me. I wasn’t sure exactly how…perhaps they were hiding their crap or holding it in…but I was determined to solve this mystery. One night, I waited until I was sure the cats would think I was asleep…and then I snuck out, wedged myself behind the couch with my flashlight and waited.
Sure enough, it didn’t take long before I heard the sound of little claws on plastic and the shuffling of non-clumping cat litter. In one quick movement, worthy of a ninja even though I didn’t have the uniform, I leaped up, flicked on the flashlight and yelled, “Aha!”
My beam sliced through the dark and revealed the culprit. Her back legs were sticking out of the cat litter box…but when she heard the “Aha!” she turned around…revealing the rather fresh-looking piece of crap held in her mouth.
That’s right…it was the dog.
She yelped and dropped her prize…racing away as fast as her little thieving legs could carry her. Not to be deterred, I followed the bandit to her kennel hideout. This must be where my product had been stashed. I reached in with my hand and felt about…
No…I didn’t find any crap…but I did find one size XXXXXS ninja suit in a lovely shade of chartreuse. When did you start carrying this color?
I have checked Nacho into the Cesar Millan Center, taken away her debit cards and closed her bank accounts. She will no longer be participating in your program. I appreciate your understanding as my husband and I strive to rehabilitate her.
As for myself…I’m still rather pissed about the fact that the chartreuse ninja suit is not available in MY size…
Sincerely,
spryte
Dear Spryte,
Understand this: Excrement, Inc. considers Nacho to be one of our finest affiliates. Excrement, Inc. and parent GFI view your interference in her crap business as an interference in OUR business and this crap will not be taken sitting down.
Perhaps instead of condemning her you could take her example and be a bit more proactive yourself. By having only committed to level 3 yourself, you can't hope to fathom the deep mysteries that Nacho gained access to when she committed to becoming a crap ninja. Look in the mirror Spryte, there lies the problem, not with poor Nacho who sits in a padded room at the Cesar Millan Center likely wondering if her great fecal empire is drying out and becoming flakey with neglect.
(Oh, and aren't those chartreuse ninja suits lovely? But they only come in animal sizes, sorry. We are committed to brown for our human affiliates as it most embodies the bulk of what we produce.)
Let Nacho go.
Sincerely,
The Management
Dear Mgmt of Excrement Inc:
I regret to inform you that things have spiraled out of my control. Yes, the sh*t has hit the proverbial fan.
Evidently, the staff at the Cesar Millan Clinic became suspicous when Nacho could produce no evidence of medical insurance and decided to investigate further. It turns out that Nacho is in the country illegally...
Despite the fact that like other illegal immigrants she was willing to take the crap jobs, because of your venture, it seems that everyone wants a crap job now. So, in the interest of this country's economics, Nacho is being deported.
You have only yourself and your greed to blame,
Sincerely,
spryte
PS: She's Nacho dog anyway...she's mine. (sorry...couldn't resist)
Dear Spryte,
Good. We are happy to take the "blame." Free of your meddling, Nacho will be able to recommence her business and build her own successful crap empire. She may not be our dog, as you pointed out, but it's Nacho money either. :P
Perhaps now that she has been liberated from your attempts to stymie her wealth and prosperity, you can continue building your personal empire again. As a crap ninja you can do much if you just send in the thousand bucks.
Sincerely,
The management
Ah Spryte.
ROFLMAO.
You've certainly raised the level of debate in here by a few nachos.
In fact, I'm recommending you for the plain white jumpsuit (with bib) bestowed on only the highest level of Crap Ninjas - those who can crap and dribble at the same time.
And don't worry about sending Shadesbreath the thousand dollars. You've provided way more than that in entertainment value to the staff and affiliates of Excrement Inc. and GFE.
Eric, I will thank you to not so freely dismiss our profits because you have been amused. If you would like to make a donation on Spryte's behalf, we will happily take the payment from you. But payment must be made. It's nacho money, frankly.
Eric - Thank you! I must admit white is a very becoming color on me.
Shade - Obviously you do not realize how cheaply you would be getting off with just the "donation" of a ninja suit.
Nacho was never good at commands like "STAY, Nacho...STAY!" She was nabbed while attempting to cross into AZ (..it had nothing to do with the fact that I was on the other side with a milkbone dog biscuit saying, "Wanna cookie? Do ya? Nacho want a cookie? Good girl!).
Homeland Security is very interested in her suddenly. Hmmm...I wonder why? Might have something to do with hiring an illegal immigrant...maybe yes, maybe no.
Of course, if she suddenly were muzzled...all your potential problems could disappear like that! *snaps fingers*
Think about it...
Excrement, Inc. has lawyers on retainer, not to mention powerful lobbies and bribed officials in all governments and their agencies... all paid for with the vast wealth we amass by NOT giving our crap away for free. So when you're done snapping those fingers of yours, wrap them around a pen and write a check so you can have your ninja suit so much sooner. (Or see if you can get Eric to bust out and buy you one. He's got more money than god.)
Yes I have got more money than him.
But only because God is broke after making subprime investments in a number of religions that did not heed the basic principles contained to in the statement "Thou shalt not covet thine choirboys' asses".
OK Spryte, I'll cover your ninja fees.
And those for anyone else who can come up with a good story of why I should do so.
[Visible only to Spryte mode =ON]
His problems are only starting.
I'll humour poor old shades until BT and I take over GFE, and he'll find himself out of a jo.
[/Visible only to Spryte]
Eric that is very kind of you. In fact, I have a story for you. There are a thousand children in our local area who would love to learn the value of entrepreneurial enterprise. I think it would be excellent of you to cover their fees. I'll be certain to tell them it was you.
Thank you Eric! :) I've never had a sugar dadd...err...sponsor before!
:P Shade
[Visible only to Eric mode = ON]
*nods thoughtfully*
Good plan...
If you require my services, I'm always available to provide a distraction.
[/Visible only to Eric]
I give up! the masters of bull sh*t have arrived and the fight is once again tied up with the bloody legal guys. I think Dubja was right Nuke the lot them. A fight in the pit is beneath my dignity. Like the soldier I think this must be my last post!
@Shadesbreath.
I'd love to help the kids learn the value of entrepreneurial enterprise. Can you please ask each of them to write a 10,000 word story about why they should receive free training in Crap Ninja Skills.
When they're done, send them to Spryte, who will proof read them, critically assess their artistic merit, and check for spelling mistakes.
Spryte - can you then forward legible, artistic, and corectly spelled entries to sixtyorso. As he is not posting here anymore, he'll have plenty of time to evaluate them against the "good story" criteria, and forward them to my special sub committee for final selection of ninja fee reimbursement.
This special committee shall consist of B.T. and myself. So if you want any fees from this Shadesbreath, you better just - better just.
Well, you had just better just.
Ah, I love the smell of Red Tape in the morning!
Ever since I joined the Stay Home and Increase Turnover program I have taken a healthy suspicious attitude towards initiatives such as your own. I feel compelled to warn the general public. Especially since your affiliates show a stunning lack of business ethos, which is highly contagious. Be aware that I will be observing closely and critically.
Ouch I did not think I would be punished for a pun! Soldier last post get it! But as I really enjoy Sprite (not in the biblical sense you understand) I would undertake that as a labour of love recompensed by a suitable fee of course. I could not bear to see loves labour lost!
I think that's fantastic Eric, and I will just. So, yeah, I will.
Sixty,I see your quitting this thread lasted about as long as me quitting drinking after my last hangover. Way to hang in there man!
And Ananta, for you all I can say is, observe away. If you had no success with your turnover program, you probably weren't doing it right. It sounds like a fantastic program with many angles you could have taken to wealth while reducing turnover. In fact, you probably could have started a pastry business and made apple turnovers, thus increasing turnovers while staying home and decreasing corporate ones. Hell, toss in a nap two or three times a day, turning over in your sleep, and you could double and triple the number of turnovers while still decreasing turnover. You would have been a zillionair were it not for your suspicious attitude. Enjoy your shopping cart, and keep watching the pile at Excrement, Inc. grow and draw flies.
Eric: I've got my crayons sharpened and I'm all ready to edit. I'll make sure they get to sixty. It'll be rather nice...we may even bond.
Sixty: I like Sprite too...though not as much as Coke. Not too sure about that whole biblical sense thing and how it applies to carbonated beverages...but whatever makes you happy.
Ananta: 'Bout time you got here...
Spryte, I believe Sixty's comment was reference to the well documented love that Moses had for 7-up. The old saying 7-up, 10-down and all that rot. Sixty is not from America so you will understand how he got the two mixed up. It's a very common mistake.
I was born a lazy laggard, Spryte. I've informed the IAS, the FDA and every other abbreviation I could think of. Hell, NASA is aiming their telescopes at scrap as we speak. It's downright criminal to lure innocent Hubbers into this stinking pile of lies!
Don't dump on our products and services until you've tried them.
Thank you for the clarification Shade. I suppose I should be grateful that Sixty did not call me Schweppes Lemonade. South Africa gets pretty hot I hear...mebbe he was just reaaaaally thirsty.
I'd never heard of the Moses/7-up romance. Somehow I always thought of him as being more of a Dr. Pepper type of guy...but there ya go.
I'm on a diet
Shadesbreath...you astound me in the best of ways. 155 comments on this hub....is there anything you can't do?? don't tell me, let me believe...
Awesome job, what a lot of interest in excrement, who wudda thunk'd it?
funride says:
6 months ago
I don´t understand the tags you chose... I thought this was a great opportunity :D
I must have miss the link but I´m going to read this hub again and I´ll find the "buy this" link this time.
ps, thankfully internet has no smell, yet LOL.