Critical Elements to Parenting a Child with Severe Behaviors

There are three things critical to parenting children with behavioral issues,whose early life history

includes maltreatment and/or attachment challenges:

Attunement- tuning in to a child's underlying needs, instead of reacting to what is on the surface (usually the behavior). Just as with a newborn baby or toddler, this is a process in which the caretaker senses the needs underneath the cries or whimpers or gestures (or severe behaviors)....and meets those needs.

Sensitive Responsiveness - responding with understanding of where your child has been, how his/her experience has influenced where s/he is now, and with the deepest respect for the child in your response

to them. In your response, using reflective and empathetic listening and non-verbal communication to express your empathy and understanding.

Emotional Connection - connecting with a child on an emotional level, often non-verbally. Remember that attachment is built through non-verbal communication ( eye contact, touch, tone of voice, gesture, and timing and intensity of response).

This takes time, and should never be forced. Instead it must grow with lots of repetition. Repetition is what builds new neural wiring in the brain that is so needed for children with trauma and attachment challenged histories.

As parents, we must look under the behavior to the emotions, and provide a "Corrective Emotional Expereience" according to Daniel Siegel, foremost trauma and brain specialist who wrote, Parenting from the Inside Out and

The Developing Mind. This means that in the midst of our children's severe behaviors, we must first breath and breath some more...until we can RESPOND to our children in a way that role models the kind of behavior that we want to see from them in the future.

Remember, when WE as Parents Stress, We Regress..... We must respond with the empathy and understanding that we want for them to learn and emulate themselves. Remember, that children do not learn from consequences, control, separation, isolation, and other harsh methods of punishment.

They learn from experiencing... and we, as parents must be that Experience. It is difficult in the midst of severe behaviors, but it is not impossible. Try putting on new glasses when you see your child. With these glasses, see them at the developmental level that they are functioning at, not at their chronological age. There is often a big difference between chronological and emotional age. Your child may be 8, 10, 14 or even 18 years old, yet functioning at the emotional age of a 2 or 3 year old.

You would respond much differently to a 2 0r 3 year old than you would an older child. Remember that you as the caregiver, whether permanent or temporary, have more influence than anyone else in the child's life.

And remember that you WILL make mistakes. You will REACT and wish you had handled things differently... or later think of a way that you could have responded better. That is part of the process. Forgive yourself.

You are doig the very best you can. And... also remember, you can always go back to your child and apologize, respond in the way you would have liked to, or provide what you would have liked to. It is not too late. In fact, this, in itself, it a great "Corrective Experience".

Written by Pam Moran, MSW, LSW

Center for Family Attachment and Healing, Inc