How NOT to Cheat on Your Significant Other
69This is in response to a request for how to kill the feeling of a Forbidden Love Affair.
Anytime you have been in a committed relationship for while things can start feeling stagnant. You still love your spouse, but there's a disconnect. You're both busy, you have work, family, etc., and suddenly, you notice someone staring at you from across the office. You start feeling attractive again. Not to say that your significant other doesn't make you feel attractive, but you suddenly realize that OTHER people still find you attractive.
And, you start realizing you find them attractie, too. It can be scary, disconcerting, strange. What do I do? Is this normal? I don't want to feel like this, how do I make it stop? He's being so nice to me, and sometimes home-life's so stressful, could the grass be greener on the other side?
Now, maybe I'm the only other married woman to have experienced this, but I would argue it's one of those taboo subjects that happens to most people at some point or other in a committed relationship. It can be scary, guilt-inducing, but eerily exciting. So, here's what I suggest:
1. Make sure the person who is checking you out is aware that you're in a committed relationship. Bring up your significant other in conversation. Compliment your significant other around this person, like, "Oh, so you like fishing? My husband is great at fishing! He went a couple weeks ago and caught 3 trout!" (FYI--I know nothing about fishing, so if I said something stupid just then, please ignore it). This will also keep fresh in your mind all the things that are wonderful about your spouse.
2. Imagine the worst. What if something were to happen? What if you got involved with this other person? Don't fantasize about the good parts, fantasize about the hurt you would cause your spouse, the humiliation you would face if you had to tell your family that your spouse was leaving you because you cheated, the pain that would come with breaking up a family, the turmoil and disgrace. And, assuming you love your spouse, what that moment that he or she found out about the affair would feel like for them. Do you ever want to hurt anyone that deeply, and scar them that permanently? Once a person's been cheated on, how do they learn to fully trust again? Do you want to be that person?
3. So things are stagnant in your relationship at home, use this as an opportunity to spice things up. Buy some new lingerie, look up kama sutra poses on the internet, buy a sex game, and surprise your husband (or wife). Plan a weekend away. Leave love notes for your spouse. Again, by transferring the attention back to all the reasons you love your spouse, you'll divert your attention from the other person to the one you really love.
4. Pray about it. Give it up to God, tell Him that you don't want to feel this way, that you only want to be faithful to the one He put in your life, and then trust that in time the feeling will fade. If not immediately, then eventually.
Once you've made up your mind that nothing will happen, and you're committed to making sure nothing happens, those feelings will fade away. It's a matter of valuing the long-term, rather than doing what feels good now.
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Comments
Thanks for the comments, I agree! I've been with my husband for 8 years (married for 5), and I think it's extremely important to stay vigilant about your relationship--be aware that opportunities lurk when you least expect it, and to keep your mind at home with your spouse where it belongs.
I have been married to the same guy for 23 years this August. We almost didn't make it. Both of us found the perfect "other" outside our relationship. This, after waxing and waning as couples do, through the death of my father, the birth of three children, the loss of a steady job... added stress for any relationship.
We had the usual complaints- he never listens, she isn't interested in sex, he/she spends all the money. And eventually we became convinced that some perfect "other" was a better choice. That somehow this person saw deeper into our hearts to who we truly were. These people were, after all, not responsible to teach our children how to drive nor to manage our checkbook nor to wash the crumbs from our kitchen counter or shovel the driveway at sunrise.
Three years ago, we went so far as to find a mediator and began the process of divorce. We were both so very angry at the disappointment we'd found living with each other. It had to be his/her fault that we were miserable. Couldn't be me!
We began to take it all apart. Who got spring vacation with the kids? Who got the dogs and the stocks and the credit card bills? Where would we each live? There was so much negativity in the room that, following our third session, my husband and I dove into a coffee shop afterward to catch our breath.
It was the same coffee shop. We stared at each other sheepishly and sat down together. "You know," I began, "if we were to put as much energy and money into trying to stay together as we are putting into splitting, we might just save this family and this marriage."
He agreed, paying for my mocha without complaint. And we changed course.
Since that moment, I've come to realize that love doesn't keep a marriage together, commitment does. It's about vowing to stick together through thick and thin, and honoring that vow even when it's difficult to honor each other.
We are human beings, after all. The honeymoon does end, sometimes rather quickly. But the commitment remains, fine thread though it may be at times. Marriage is hard and challenging work. We still teeter on the edge every now and then, threatening to dissolve what we have agreed is integral to our existence.
Happily ever after is a myth that is painful to dissemble. But the moments in between arguments, as we discuss our kids with mutual joy or hold hands and admire Pike's Peak or share thoughts about a DVD or creative project, well, for me there is nothing quite like the energy that passes between us.
I think we are born with wonderful vision ... to see only the potential good and none of the potential bad that can come from a forbidden relationship (or is it cursed with a vision?).
There is no doubt that committed relationships take lots of work. And it is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking the grass is greener ... that someone else will have all the good qualities and none of the bad qualities that your current partner has. We also love the feeling of attention from someone we find attractive.
And as you so correctly pointed out, we focus on the wrong thing. I love the quotation, "Any fool can start a love affair, ending one requires considerable skill." The problem is not in starting, but ending it. The truth is the pain for all involved can be very intense and much greater than the brief moments of pleasure.
It is one of those situations where the smart thing is just not to go there.
I would also add that you must have something in your life, separate from everyone else, that fills you up. Whether that be your career, a hobby, art, something. That thing that you do that gives you passion.
Too often people drift because they don't plug in to life, or to themselves. They rely on others for their full-fillment. This is wrong. The key to your happiness is you. The husband, the wife, the kids, the rest of it is simply the cherry on the whipped cream of life.
People who are happy with who they are, people who know who they are, don't have temptations, don't reck their marriages. I know. I've been married a long time. I have a husband and a muse. And all three of us get along just fine.
Wow, I love this hub. Made me learn a lot from what probably could happen in marriages. Thanks for warnings and the advices! Love it!
I think the more realistic about marriage you can be, the better. It's not a fairy-tale, but I'd rather wake up next to my husband, whose faults I am all-too familiar with, & who is all-too familiar with my own faults, than take a chance on someone whose positive traits may be a mirage.
Can't tell you how true this is! Great hub
Thanks Steph, glad you liked it.
I thank you all for answering my request, especially Boss Number 1. Your pieces of advice enlightened me and a close friend of mine who seems "lost" at this time because of such a relationship. At last, I have made her agree to write her story. It will be my next hub and it is directly related to this request.
Thanks for your comment bright_light, look forward to your hub!
Thanks for the request, bright_light, I think the more people feel they can talk about these things, the more they realize that feeling this way is normal, then maybe more people will catch themselves early and correct it before it gets out of hand. So many people say that they aren't the cheating kind, but I think that's wrong. I think ANYONE can be the cheating kind, we all make mistakes, we all have temptations, but the more we can talk about those temptations, the more we can prevent situations from ruining our most treasured relationships.
fantastic you are number one
I have written my new hub which I mentioned earlier. It is entitled "How To Kill the Feeling - A Forbidden Love Affair (2), and its sub-title is "The Pains of the Forbidden".
working
Jason Stanley says:
9 months ago
This works for guys also.
I have been using the tactic of dropping "my wife does ..." early in conversations successfully for so long that I am no longer very interesting to the opposite sex.
It has been my best defense on both sides of the fence. I have no idea of how many others I have dissuaded - certainly not as many as my ego wants, and probably more than I would have guessed. It certainly has helped keep my thinking inline. It has always reminded me from the beginning and if I have found myself "thinking of something" too late... I have already proclaimed loud and clear that I am married.
Oh ya, it is just as hard to stay committed when married as when "just committed" The opportunities for trouble are always there.