BEWARE OF THE MULLET MONSTER...A STIMP RANT
ALL HALLOWS EVE
Well, it's Hallows Eve. Oh yes, I've been looking forward to this ALL year long. NOT really this year. In past years, I've dressed all provocatively and sexy......ya, not this year. Well, aside from the fact that I've gained about a million pounds (I assume all water weight) by working from home and sitting around in sweat pants for a year, I'm also sick with the flu. Coughing, sneezing, body aches. Tabea (My German "daughter"/exchange student) won't even hug me. Last night as I was setting my laptop aside, in preparation for the nightly Good Night Hug we always share.....she says, in her cute German accent, "I will not hug you until you are better. I do not want to be sick for Valley Scare (this is some sort of scary amusement park here in the Minneapolis area....ya, you have fun with THAT. Tromping around outside when it's 30 degrees and wetting yourself from the scare of it all)" So there I sat, arms wide open and ready for my hug, holding back a sneeze....and she blurts that out. OUCH!! BUT she was the bearer of the NyQuil (she and her pal picked it up for me earlier in the evening), so I didn't complain. This a.m. she suggested I bathe (WHAT?? bathe? when you are sick? unheard of).....wrap in a towel and blankets on the couch.....and she would be "my butler" (that's what she said...she'd be my butler)....Holy Chrst my dreams have come true and I'm too fkn sick to even enjoy them!!!!!!!!!!!!! She wanted to be my butler as I laid on the couch, slathered in Vicks Vapor Rub wrapped in a towel and buried in blankets. She's learned much from being my "daughter". I've taught her well.
Then, I got to thinkin'.....WHAT REALLY is the difference between a child coming to your door, knocking, holding out a bag/hand/hat/pillow case/bucket and screaming "TRICK OR TREAT".....or the common beggar on the street? I'll tell ya the differences:
- The beggar probably became a beggar because of some horrid life experience which rendered them jobless, thus, homeless. The kid...nothin. Just begging for NO reason.
- The beggar: what you see is what you get. The kid: dressed more than likely LIKE a bum looking nothing like what they REALLY look like on a regular day
- The beggar: CREATED and CRAFTED their outfit. The kid: Hideous store-bought, barely thought out costume
- The beggar: Wears what they currently have on for days on end...probably for months. The kid: Feels the need to wear the hideous outfit once, then continue to hound you until you buy them a new one the next year.
- The beggar: Asking for money for Food, Drink, Smokes or some OTHER necessity. The kid: CANDY, CANDY, CANDY...."Listen Kid, Candy is not a necessity. Here's a heater....now beat it."
- The beggar: If you give them an apple, they eat it and enjoy it. The kid: Give them an apple, 9-1-1 is called and the "apple giver" is suddenly on the FBI's most wanted list.
In past years, I've either sat at the local saloon and have enjoyed the spoils of a good year of work INSTEAD of wasting that money on candy the children shouldn't be eating anyway OR I've sat quietly in my home with all lights out, hoping none of THEM knock on the door. THIS YEAR, however, "my butler" and her boyfriend will be here.....THEY will be the ones handing out the candy to the little beggars. In fact, they are at Walmart right this moment getting it. As a side note, "my butler" (in her cute German accent) says "who will come here? We are in the middle of a corn field." I did not have an answer. My suggestion was "Lets make the few who do come, WORK for their rewards. Lets hook up Timmy (my ferocious American Eskie) to the porch and make them hurdle over him prior to getting to the door. If they make it without wetting themselves or otherwise, then they get the whole damn bag. How 'bout that."
All I know is the pizza man WILL NOT get out of the car any longer......not because of the German shepherd circling his car but because of the scary little creature lurking just before the door. When you've not only got the pizza man scared to death, and the FedEX man only doing "drive by drop offs" (meaning he drives by and literally just chucks the packages down the driveway), then you've got yourself the perfect little Halloween Companion.
Today's Motto: There ARE monsters under the step and they have brown mullets
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