Cool Cat Supplies

Meow.

This is your cat speaking (it is important that you, dear reader, understand the voice in which this article is written). My birthday fast approaches. Here are some gentle suggestions for cool cat supplies. Let's celebrate the event.

Take me with you. Please don't leave me at home with the television tuned to Oprah. I wanna ride in the car with you (as long as we're not sneaking off to the veterinarian). The Teafco Argo Medium Petascope Carrier encapsulates me in kitty comfort while allowing me to remain stylish. It provides windows on 3 sides so I can stare at you while you're driving.

The rugged yet fashionable nylon construction can be rinsed with a hose when we get home. A shoulder strap allows you to lug me through the mall like a really big purse; it's been a long time since we've browsed Barneys together.

I know I'm just a cat, but I can't bear one more trip jammed into a baby seat. My biology conflicts with even the most expensive child confinement device. Surely you would not stuff little Johnny or Jenny into a cat carrier.

If you insist on feeding me from the dinner table, I may someday need a pet carrier large enough to hold a 65 pound dog. The IRIS Airline Travel Carrier Cage is constructed of space-age polymers and authentic metal bits. It meets or exceeds airline travel requirements and actually comes with a "Live Animal" sticker, just in case someone thinks your dirty laundry is in it.

I love to travel and it shows. Please consider adding this feline accoutrement to your collection of luggage. Checking into your room at the Motel 6 will be much more enjoyable with me under your arm, carefully ensconced in a hipster kitty purse.

OK, OK! I shed. We all know it.

The next item on my list of cool cat supplies is precisely what we need to address my embarrassing little problem. My grooming skillz are impeccable, but I appreciate a little assistance now and then. Hey, I have no thumbs.

My top coat will glow and my undercoat won't cling to the couch. You can have your friends over without offering to dry-clean their velvet pantsuits.

If you don't help me, we all know where my excess hair will end up. Can you say "hair ball?"

Good Grief, Charlie Brown, I don't even know what this is and I absolutely must have it.

Rebuild me! Remove damaging toxins from my formerly silky coat. Strengthen and restore parts of me that need strengthening and restoring.

Please don't use it on the dog. He's already impossible to live with. Sadly, I don't think this product will help the goldfish floating in the toilet.

Everybody poops: do you remember reading that book to me when I was a kitten? If you care for me at all, you'll buy at least one of these for me. I would feel very cool about myself knowing this awaits me every morning. Nothing says lovin' like a self-cleaning bathroom.

I get in, I do my business, I get out. It rakes up after me, ensconces my output in a plastic bag and seals the bag. Your own bathroom should work so smoothly (how do humans keep from falling in?)

It's like having my own grounds crew, without the hundred-million dollar stadium. You can plug it into the wall or plug in 8 D-cell batteries. Automated poop cleanup has never been easier.

I remember seeing this device on Lifestyles of the Cats of the Rich and Famous. I think Larry Hagman's cat has one or three. The CatGenie 120 represents ultimate cat luxury; every stray cat in the neighborhood will be howling with jealousy.

The CatGenie connects to a cold water supply and an AC outlet just like a real human bathroom; you will need to hire a cat plumber. Any competent dog plumber should also be able to do the job: I don't discriminate.

PS: The CatGenie sidewalls would be a nice touch. Sometimes I get a little messy.

Meow, there it is. Herein we presented a compendium of products intended for domesticated house-pets of the feline variety. Feel free to whip out your credit card for easy and quick online purchasing. We all love our pets, even if they're dogs.