What Not To Do When Face To Face With A Lion!

There have been many sightings over the years of strange feral cats, large leopards and scary looking tigers prowling around the English Countryside. Most of these have turned out to be an over weight domestic cat that eats too many munchies.

Others are just pure imagination after a few drinks down the pub. But it seems that at last we have found a real sighting! How exciting is that? evidently down in sleepy Essex, St. Osyth near Clacton on Sea, a lovely seaside town that I have visited many times, there has been a great big beasty sighted. yes folks, it's a Lion! Now before you all scoff and go back to your cups of coffee, TV sets or computers hear me out. This one had been photographed!

There you go! Proof. Well actually that's not entirely true. Evidently the photographic evidence of the Lion is a bit grainy. Taken from a long way away the photos could actually be showing a cat that just eats too much, or even something completely different.

What? How on earth do I know? Seriously though the couple who claim to have seen the lion seem to be intelligent straight forward citizens, and they are convinced its definitely a lion. As they said, they wouldn't make a fuss out of nothing. Quite rightly so.

So, there's the facts. Now we know there's a lion on the run so to speak, what do we do if we come face to face with it? Well, you see this is where the clever part comes in. I know the answer because, well I am clever. I think.

Please note all of the following should be taken with a very large pinch of salt because I do not want anybody getting eaten by a huge lion. So please have a bit of decorum and realise that this is just tongue in cheek. And not the lions cheek. Um!

Do not stand outside yelling at the top of your voice 'Here Kitty Kitty' while waving a packet of cat food in the direction of said Lion. The Lion may well be hungry, but waving the food around in your hand will just result in your hand or body ending up as lunch. Please be aware that not all cats like being called Kitty Kitty, in fact they may take umbrage to it and get extremely peed off. These Lions are king of the jungle you know, Kitty Kitty is such a dumb name. They may just eat you out of sheer disbelief at your insult. So be careful.

Do Not decide that actually he or she looks quite sweet sitting up there in the woods cleaning its great big paws with such a soft tongue. Offering to give it a brush to make the Lions Mane look shiny is not condusive to good relations. The Lion may decide you need to be brushed too, with its teeth. Or even worse, its rather large claws.

Do Not in any way shape or form think to yourself that actually it would make rather a nice pet. The Lion in question may be quite small at the moment, but the idea of him sitting on your lap fully grown can be quite distracting to your health. In other words suffocation comes to mind. Mind you at least you won't have to feed him, the snack is right there, probably eating popcorn and fiddling with the TV Remote control. Yum!

Please Don't try to capture the Lion on your own. If you decide to risk it, remember to take a tranquilser gun with you. No, the cat food, kitty litter, ball of string how sweet, or the small ball kept for your kitten that you roll on the floor while making silly noises will not do. Initially the Lion may be slightly interested in a kingly way, but after five minutes of play time you will be playing a bigger game. Running for your life through the woods. Great fun for the Lion, but not so much for you as the last time you ran a marathon was in 1972! You've put on a bit of weight since then. A lot in fact.

If the Lion decides to choose your house for a bit of R an R, don't panic. He may just want a cuddle before bedtime. Make sure all the doors are locked, the pet cat and dog are indoors, and the neighbour who you hate is safely indoors. Well, perhaps not the neighbour. They can be the hero. Not intentionally you understand, but hey keeps the darn thing off you!

And last but not least. If you do spot the Lion slinking down your road at three in the morning please do not go out and confront it with your hair in curlers, a face pack on and bunny slippers. You may just give the poor Lion a heart attack.

Keep safe and let the experts catch the Lion. Or fox or rabbit maybe? Animals can look completely different from a distance!

Um! Excuse me, (cough) erm! Sorry to bother you old chap, but erm there seems to be a mistake! I erm, took myself out for a wander and seem to have caused all manner of trouble. I believe that I was spotted earlier today, or was it yesterday? You see I don't go out very often and erm, um, well what with the weight you know. So, where was I? Oh yes, apologies. Yes, yes I apologise for the confusion, but you see it wasn't a huge Lion. It was well, erm, um, me! I know, I know, I look like a king of the Jungle, so I totally understand why humans decided that I was well, rather larger than life. But sorry folks, it was just little me, big me, erm, well you get the idea. Sorry!