What Not To Do When Face To Face With A Lion!

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Essex Lion Sighting

There have been many sightings over the years of strange feral cats, large leopards and scary looking tigers prowling around the English Countryside. Most of these have turned out to be an over weight domestic cat that eats too many munchies.

Others are just pure imagination after a few drinks down the pub. But it seems that at last we have found a real sighting! How exciting is that? evidently down in sleepy Essex, St. Osyth near Clacton on Sea, a lovely seaside town that I have visited many times, there has been a great big beasty sighted. yes folks, it's a Lion! Now before you all scoff and go back to your cups of coffee, TV sets or computers hear me out. This one had been photographed!

There you go! Proof. Well actually that's not entirely true. Evidently the photographic evidence of the Lion is a bit grainy. Taken from a long way away the photos could actually be showing a cat that just eats too much, or even something completely different.

What? How on earth do I know? Seriously though the couple who claim to have seen the lion seem to be intelligent straight forward citizens, and they are convinced its definitely a lion. As they said, they wouldn't make a fuss out of nothing. Quite rightly so.

So, there's the facts. Now we know there's a lion on the run so to speak, what do we do if we come face to face with it? Well, you see this is where the clever part comes in. I know the answer because, well I am clever. I think.

Please note all of the following should be taken with a very large pinch of salt because I do not want anybody getting eaten by a huge lion. So please have a bit of decorum and realise that this is just tongue in cheek. And not the lions cheek. Um!

Sweet Little Kitty!

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Flickr.com

I Am Just A Big Pussy Cat! Purrr!

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veryfunnywallpaper.blogspot.com

My Football Mine All Mine Grrrr!

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flickrhivemind.net

I Luuuurve You!

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guyscuddlingpets.tumblr.com

Here Kitty Kitty........!

Do not stand outside yelling at the top of your voice 'Here Kitty Kitty' while waving a packet of cat food in the direction of said Lion. The Lion may well be hungry, but waving the food around in your hand will just result in your hand or body ending up as lunch. Please be aware that not all cats like being called Kitty Kitty, in fact they may take umbrage to it and get extremely peed off. These Lions are king of the jungle you know, Kitty Kitty is such a dumb name. They may just eat you out of sheer disbelief at your insult. So be careful.


Do Not decide that actually he or she looks quite sweet sitting up there in the woods cleaning its great big paws with such a soft tongue. Offering to give it a brush to make the Lions Mane look shiny is not condusive to good relations. The Lion may decide you need to be brushed too, with its teeth. Or even worse, its rather large claws.

Do Not in any way shape or form think to yourself that actually it would make rather a nice pet. The Lion in question may be quite small at the moment, but the idea of him sitting on your lap fully grown can be quite distracting to your health. In other words suffocation comes to mind. Mind you at least you won't have to feed him, the snack is right there, probably eating popcorn and fiddling with the TV Remote control. Yum!

Please Don't try to capture the Lion on your own. If you decide to risk it, remember to take a tranquilser gun with you. No, the cat food, kitty litter, ball of string how sweet, or the small ball kept for your kitten that you roll on the floor while making silly noises will not do. Initially the Lion may be slightly interested in a kingly way, but after five minutes of play time you will be playing a bigger game. Running for your life through the woods. Great fun for the Lion, but not so much for you as the last time you ran a marathon was in 1972! You've put on a bit of weight since then. A lot in fact.

If the Lion decides to choose your house for a bit of R an R, don't panic. He may just want a cuddle before bedtime. Make sure all the doors are locked, the pet cat and dog are indoors, and the neighbour who you hate is safely indoors. Well, perhaps not the neighbour. They can be the hero. Not intentionally you understand, but hey keeps the darn thing off you!

And last but not least. If you do spot the Lion slinking down your road at three in the morning please do not go out and confront it with your hair in curlers, a face pack on and bunny slippers. You may just give the poor Lion a heart attack.

Keep safe and let the experts catch the Lion. Or fox or rabbit maybe? Animals can look completely different from a distance!

So funny! Meant to be dark until the end so don't adjust anything! by Millys Vids

The Truth Is Out! Fat Cats The Culprit!

Um! Excuse me, (cough) erm! Sorry to bother you old chap, but erm there seems to be a mistake! I erm, took myself out for a wander and seem to have caused all manner of trouble. I believe that I was spotted earlier today, or was it yesterday? You see I don't go out very often and erm, um, well what with the weight you know. So, where was I? Oh yes, apologies. Yes, yes I apologise for the confusion, but you see it wasn't a huge Lion. It was well, erm, um, me! I know, I know, I look like a king of the Jungle, so I totally understand why humans decided that I was well, rather larger than life. But sorry folks, it was just little me, big me, erm, well you get the idea. Sorry!

I Was Just Chillin' An' The Fuzz Started Chasin' Me!

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guyscuddlingpets.tumblr.com

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Comments 110 comments

Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 2 years ago from England Author

lol! now now alan! no I haven't heard of 'Life With The Lyons' I will have to go take a look, and thanks as always, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 2 years ago from England Author

Hi mary, I bet that caused a riot! lol! imagine seeing a lion wandering down the street? glad it turned out okay, and thanks for reading, nell


alancaster149 profile image

alancaster149 2 years ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

I don't know if you're old enough to remember 'Life With The Lyons' (Ben Lyon, Bebe Daniels etc), maybe you could've added them into this. Just as funny.

We're on the Essex side of London here, but I don't think one of the wild ones is likely to come marching up the Romford Road - wouldn't look good on Green Street either (should be a tiger down there by rights).

Any self-respecting big cat would give this area a wide berth, as there are too many fast-food shops here that might convert it into a new form of halal meat.


mary615 profile image

mary615 2 years ago from Florida

I don't know how I missed this very funny Hub!! We had a real lion in our town once. He escaped from his owner's private collection of big cats. The police were ready to shoot him when the owner came upon the scene, and begged for mercy. They did't shoot the Lion.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 2 years ago from England Author

Hi Huntgoddess, lol! glad you liked it, and thanks for reading, nell


Huntgoddess profile image

Huntgoddess 2 years ago from Midwest U.S.A.

Nell, this is so adorable!!

Up, Funny, Interesting!

Love the video also :-)) Adorable again!

Thanks so much, Nell.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 2 years ago from England Author

Hi Phyllis, yes that fat cat! lol! thanks for reading it, it started off on the news with the so called lion escaping! lol! it was a puddy cat!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 2 years ago from England Author

Hi Cangetthere, lol! yes that would be good wouldn't it? thanks for reading, and have a great day, er night, er, well you know what I mean! lol!


Phyllis Doyle profile image

Phyllis Doyle 2 years ago from High desert of Nevada.

Nell, I absolutely love your sense of humour. It is so delightful. That last photo of the fat cat is so precious -- poor kitty has had too much of good eats, I think. I love the big, wild, cats, but would never, ever get close enough to call them "kitty, kitty" or offer food to them. I love this hub. Thank you. :)


cangetthere profile image

cangetthere 2 years ago from New Zealand

Great hub Nell, We could do with a Lion in out street sometimes just to sort out the neighbours. I wish anyone over there luck should they encounter one. It must get hungry sometimes.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 3 years ago from England Author

Hi Mary, lol! thanks so much, yes we do have some strange sightings over here, mind you most of them are human! haha! thanks as always, nell


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 3 years ago from New York

Nell you turn every opportunity into a great hub! As for strange animals, they are all over the place, not just in Essex ;)

I think you warnings are spot on, after all, you seem to know a lot about handling lions caught in the street :)

Voted up, funny, and interesting.

Thank goodness for Pinterest, I found this hub on your board.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi 2pats, lol! yes it would have been great if the lion had shown up at the olympics! under guard of course! hopefully the weather will stay the same for a while, its been lovely for all of the olympics, I took myself of to Southsea for a few days, gorgeous! they have landscaped it really well and it looks nice now, not like in the old days when it was a bit grotty! lol! thanks for reading, nell


2patricias profile image

2patricias 4 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

What a great idea for a hub! The Essex Lion was just one of the many extra-special events of a Golden Summer. Here in England we began by thinking this summer might be a washout. It rained for weeks, people said the Olympics would be a disaster, etc etc.

Then the sun came out. The Olympics were glorious, the Paralympics amazing, the Queen did the most amazing things - and in the middle of it all, Essex had it's very own lion.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi alan, yep another moggy! lol! now that would be a sight to see! lol! thanks again, nell


alancaster149 profile image

alancaster149 4 years ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

The Beast of Exmoor was another overgrown Moggy, wasn't it? (Trouble was it had a taste for un-cooked lamb). With somebody re-introducing wolves into Scotland, how long before we have sightings of them on the loose?


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Larry, lol! now I know what to do when I come face to face with a big cat! thanks for coming back, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi ImKarn, same as me! lol! I love lions! thanks so much for reading, cheers nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi LABrashear, lol! thanks for reading, cheers nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi D.A.L. nice to see you, yes we are good at sighting strange animals! lol! glad your back, and sorry I keep forgetting to come over to your site, so busy, but its nice to see you again, nell


D.A.L. profile image

D.A.L. 4 years ago from Lancashire north west England

Hi Nell,

these sightings keep on coming, year after year and I am glad they do or we would not have this fantastic hub to enjoy. best wishes Dal


LABrashear profile image

LABrashear 4 years ago from My Perfect Place, USA

I especially love the last picture! Funny bit - voted up!


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

Lol..not only is this hilarious - it's also excellent lion advice! Problem is - i still want to kiss one like the idiot in the pic...(Lol) now..what does that make me? Loved this..


Larry Fields profile image

Larry Fields 4 years ago from Northern California

Hi Nell. You wrote:

"Hi Larry, really? are you pulling my leg? as we say over here!"

I kid you not. I heard the part about Sumatra from Jennifer Marohasy, who is Australia's leading advocate for evidence-based environmental policy, and who has taken a lot of flack for her political incorrectness. Anyway, Dr Marohasy spent part of her childhood in Indonesia.

And yes, we have the same expression on this side of The Pond. However people from Finland use the expression "pulling my nose." :)


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi girishpuri, lol! glad you liked it, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi pras, nice to see you! thanks so much for reading, and have a great weekend, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi beth, lol! the cat must have been scared to death! not by the rifle but by the breath! thanks for the laugh! nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Lord, lol! and ex husbands! it turned out to be a Maine Coon cat! evidently we don't get them much over here because they, well, come from Maine! haha! it was a lovely cat though, even though it was huge! thanks as always, and have a great weekend, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Larry, really? are you pulling my leg? as we say over here! haha! makes sense though, I think! lol! thanks as always, nell


Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

Oh my!! Nell Rose! This was hilarious! You and TT are going to kill me. Actually I think is just a fat wild cat from Leeds that got lost. I don't think is a Circus pussy cat. They are almost retired... I think! Wonderful tips that could be applied to your boss, ex mothers in law, and drill sargeants. See ya!


Larry Fields profile image

Larry Fields 4 years ago from Northern California

I have a suggestion for tourists who want to take walks in Essex: Wear a mask, but put it on backwards! That's what people in Tiger country (parts of India and Sumatra) do. Why?

Big cats are ambush predators. If they see a mask with eyes on the back of your head, they'll think that you can see them. Then they'll move on to softer targets.


bethperry profile image

bethperry 4 years ago from Tennesee

LOL, Nell!

Some years ago I had a neighbor who spotted a cougar in the back of our property. Dumb*ss actually came over and did the "Here kitty, kitty" thing..rifle in hand, beer on his breath, no less. We chased him off before worrying about the cat.


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 4 years ago from malang-indonesia

I don't know what to do if when face to face with a lion. But definitely I'll follow your tips. I really enjoy reading this hub and the pictures as well....beautiful. Thanks for share with us. VOTED UP :-)

Prasetio


girishpuri profile image

girishpuri 4 years ago from NCR , INDIA

Nell thanks for the laugh, you make my day.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi rajan, thanks so much, and nice to see you! nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi alan, haha! yes wouldn't that have been funny? thanks as always, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Mama, thanks for reading, and I am glad you found it funny! lol!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi lyric, lol! glad you liked it, and thanks so much, nell


thelyricwriter profile image

thelyricwriter 4 years ago from West Virginia

Nell, interesting article my dear. Have to give a shout out to your sitting cat pic, classic! You are so clever and wise. Needed this laugh very much, so I am grateful:) The video was awesome. Voted up, awesome, and funny.


Mama Kim 8 profile image

Mama Kim 8 4 years ago

Too funny! The pictures go perfectly as well^_^ thanks for the laugh, voted up and pinned ^_^


alancaster149 profile image

alancaster149 4 years ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

They would have come a cropper if it had been Lenny the Lion - the cops would have had a cardiac arrest from laughing!


rajan jolly profile image

rajan jolly 4 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

A nice funny read, Nell and great photos.

Voted up and funny.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi alocsin, haha! glad you liked it and thanks as always, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi eddy, thanks as always, they caught the cat! lol! it was a poody cat!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Ruby, lol! yep don't go and catch a lion by mistake! thanks as always, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi drbj, lol! the real cat turned out to be a Maine Coon cat! evidently they are larger than normal poody cats! haha! thanks, and I am glad you liked it, nell


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

This was clever and funny, Nell. That is really a treat because often those two are mutually exclusive. You made me laugh and the cat on the bench was very appropriate. It looked extremely regal.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

HaHaHaHa, Nell your wit always cracks me up. The video is cute.Hee I will be careful when calling my Kitty!!!


eddy4me profile image

eddy4me 4 years ago from Wales.

What a great hub Nell I loved it !!!!

Here's to so many more fior us to share on here.

Eddy


alocsin profile image

alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

Some good advice here but I wouldn't even try some of those things with a cat, let alone a lion. Voting this up and funny.


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