Why Wasn't I Born A Bear?

Bears Never Complain

Let me ask you a very serious question. Are you completely happy with your life? Honest? I'm not. I think I was born in the wrong body, but don't get me wrong. I am not about to question the judgement of The Almighty. I am not that ignorant, but I feel so dissatisfied as a human being that sometimes I lose sleep worrying about the "what could have been's" that torment my mind.

Just what's wrong with being a human? I have lots of reasons that apply to me only, not necessarily you. Humans get stressed and stress can lead to death. Humans have to work mostly from 7 a.m. until 5 p.m. And that can lead to heart attacks which are also killers. Humans are made to file income tax by the federal government. And yes, this can lead to stress that can lead to death or a nervous breakdown. See where I'm going with this?

Even single guys and gals have problems. It wouldn't seem that way when one can live cheaper than two, but one day, the guy, out of sheer desperation, pops the magic question and asks the girl of his choice to become his wife--forever. That was the way that conventional marriages worked in the old days in the 50's. I remember some of those days.

Then the problems, as if by magic, appear as if overnight or maybe these 'tailor-made-for-marriage' problems went along in the newlyweds' suitcases only to make an appearance when the new wore off of the honeymoon. Do you guess? The problems range in variance from not making enough money at jobs to no excitement anymore in the marriage that WAS to last forever. Then the guy, mostly, gets a bad case of ulcers, his hair falls out, his waist enlarges and suddenly, without warning from Dr. Phil or Maury Povich, this lovely married couple are in a rut.

Now do you see why I long to be a grizzly bear. That's all. I am content with that. Just let me be a grizzly bear and I will be a happy camper, well, a happy bear who chases away campers--happy and sad alike.

I have this personal theory of why I would have loved to be a bear. And men, you can relate to my thinking because if you are honest with yourself and me, you will admit to having virtually the same type of thoughts at some point of your lives. Come on. It doesn't hurt to tell me the truth.

Why a bear instead of any other animal? I love bears. Bears are super-cool. Bears do not take anything off of anyone--campers, park rangers, Smart Alec's, vandals, gangs, drug dealers, spoiled brats, bullies, and anything you can throw at them with two legs or four..bears do NOT back down from anyone or anything. Now take us men, we back down. A lot. We cannot even be man enough to stand up to our loving wives when a heated discussion on what the grocery list said or didn't say. We had rather cower down and crawl to the Laz-Z-Boy recliner and be left alone. Right, guys?

A grizzly bear, my favorite of bears, does pretty much as he pleases--at anytime, anywhere, any place.  A bear never asks permission from anyone if he can forage the green grass on the land or not. The majestic and royal grizzly bear just does it. No, it's not a matter of arrogance, but sheer power and might. Nature was so good to bears that when they are viewed by other animals, including mankind, an instant fear grows in our mind and we shake in our shoes hoping that Mr. Bear will just slof off and mind his own business. Sometimes he does. Sometimes he doesn't. And the so-called intelligent animal trainers have actually published a Bear Attack Survival Kit that states that if you are approached by a bear, just lay down in the fetal position and be still. Yeah, like the bear is so dumb that he won't hear your breath laced with fear. Who are we kidding? Bears have it made on all fronts. No use arguing with me.

Bears do have some important priorities in life. And here they are. They sleep all winter long in a snug, warm cave of their choice; they exit the snug, warm cave in spring, eat tons of delicious berries and grass--without being harrassed by anyone of anything; they mate with female bears and go about their business of starting the cycle all over again. No responsibilities. No driving junior bear to school everyday. No back-to-school shopping at Old Navy for teenage bear. Nothing but freedom, eating, sleeping, mating and doing as he pleases. Thus the life of bears. Now do you see why I want to be a  bear?

And the amazing thing is, bears never grow weary of doing the same things over and over again. Whereas, we humans, men I mean, get bored with even our favorite monster truck show or football game. Not bears. No sir. They are doing just what they were created to do. Eat, sleep, mate, do what they please--all of the time. You cannot beat that for a great lifestyle can you?

Now I do admit, to be upfront with you, that there are some dim-witted and slow of mind bears who's heads are mounted on some man's den to show his buddies how great of a hunter he is. But that ratio is small compared to all of the bears who live long, full lives and go to Heaven with the good animals and people.

Bears are great at leaving us alone, IF, there's that all-powerful word: IF, we leave them alone. Bears cannot tolerate being disturbed by a family from Syracuse, New York in a 1988 Pontiac stationwagon with the kids, Marvin and Margaret hanging out the window yelling to dad, Jack and mom, Karen, "Look, mom and dad! Bears! Can we play with them?" "No, kids, but if you will stand near the wooden fence, I will snap your photo with my new digital camera," daddy Jack replies while mom, Karen checks her makeup and sunscreen.

No wonder there are so many bear-related accidents and attacks each year. Folks, do me, I mean, the bears a big favor and just drive on by like the bear isn't there.

If I were a bear, I would surely repay the favor and not attack you if you drove on by and me me finish my clover salad.

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