Laughter is the Best Medicine for Cats
BEWARE THE KITTY
Giving a Cat a Pill
I am prefacing this by saying I did not write it.. This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. It was in Ann Landers when Ann Landers was Ann Landers. I cut it out all those years ago and found it stashed in a book, thought everyone could use a laugh. Written by Bob Story.
How To Give Your Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks. When cat opens mouth, drop pill in. Cat will then swallow the pill.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth to the count of 10 if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed also.
5. Retrive pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for assistance.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees, immobilize front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruller into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger,into cat's mouth and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain valance.
8. Carefully sweep figurines from hearth and set aside for later gluing. Remove thrid pill from foil wrap.
9. Wrap cat into beach towel and ask assistant to lie prone on cat, with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill into paper tube you have made for this purpose. Force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow.
10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.
11. Retrieve cat from neighbors roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place cat in cupboard and shut door with cat's neck and head outside cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down cat's throat with rubber band.
12. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for latest tetanus shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away and fetch another from bedroom.
13. Apologize to neighbor who ran into the fence trying to void the cat.
14. Call Fire Dept. to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.
15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.
16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and tie leg securely to dining room table. Pull on heavy duty pruning gloves. Force cat's mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in raw hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold cat's head toward ceiling and pour one half pint water down cat's throat and two jiggers of whiskey down yours.
17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from eye.
18. Consider getting another goldfish for your next pet.
At least you now know how NOT to give a cat a pill. Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did and still do.
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