The 9 Lives of Mister Whiskers as Channeled by the Cat Psychic
MR. WHISKERS IS NOW IN THE SPIRIT REALM
These are the 9 lives of a cat as channeled for no good reason by an unlicensed pet psychic. She says that this cat needs closure in order to move on to the next world. And that by telling its stories we can help it facilitate its journey into the light. She also said that there was more information about the first three lives, for they were more recent. The others were coming through in only bits and pieces. Apparently this cat who as a spirit now likes to be called Mr. Whiskers - told this pet psychic that it knows my dog Honcho from a past life as well. She then channeled the names and information about the 9 lives , wrote these notes down, and told me for a hundred dollars she would channel Mr. Whiskers actually talking to me and Honcho, except that it would be in caterwauling, as she didnot speak the correct dialect of cat language to translate. At this point I told her to leave or I am calling the police. Honcho is scared still.
ALMOST BASED ON A TRUE STORY IN ARIZONA
But the all the names of those involved have been changed. Mostly because they don't want a damn thing to do with this. Send letters and complaints to somebody who cares. No anmials were harmed in the slow downward spiral that this hub quickly takes. Thanks for playing kids. Blake4d
LIFE 1 : JETSKI
DIED : KICKED WHILE CHASING A SOCCER BALL
Jetski was named by his owner who loved sports, but lacked basic skills in English grammar. This fan of hockey loved sports player Wayne Gretski, but thought that the name was said Jetski ( which would have been more normal if the cat had been named after a powered water vehicle , oh well) so Jetski was named. This sports fan also didnt always pay his rent, but always spent and bet on sporting events. So while homeless and traveling through South America to buy illegal drugs...Jetski and his owner man attended a national soccer event that was happening that day. Jetski saw the large crowd, where he knew he would be allowed to wander once his owner was drunk, this was his opportunity to escape his owner and their life of crime. Unfortunately as Jetski made his dash across the field, a soccer ball caught his cat like attention, he went chasing after it, and was kicked by one soccer player. Jetski flew 45 feet in the air and landed on the hard field just in time to be trampled by a herd of cleeted shoes. Jetski was DOA.
LIFE 2 : SHAKESPEARE
DIED : STILL MISSING ASSUMED DEAD
His life was short we assume because of the clues and lack of evidence. Shakespeare was adopted off the street by a famous theatre actress who lived alone in his old age. The house was lived in by the old woman and her collection of over a hundred birds, but the larges number were in parakeets. The woman died at a hospital and when realtives came to examine her estate, the scene was quite strange. All the birds had escaped out various windows that had been broken open from the inside. All over there was evidence of a struggle, blood, fur, whiskers, and this strange sad picture of Shakespeare in a bird cage.Beside the picutre on the kitchen table was a note that said , " Don't Look for the Cat. "
LIFE 3 : MAO MAO
DIED : STRUCK BY RANDOM LIGHTNING
Being one of the most highly intelligent cats to have ever lived, Mao Mao was known to busy himself with experiements, testing objects, and all sorts of non-traditional activities for a cat. One night he decided to climb up atop a local church where he was going to conduct his own recreation of the famous Isaac Newton experiment that proved that gravity existed. Except his experiment was going to be using a ball of yarn and a large steel ball bearing dropping from the highest church spier by the cross. Unfortunately it was a cloudy evening and when he raised the ball bering up in one paw, he was struck by not one, not two, but three bolts of lightning. All that remained of poor Mao Mao was some burnt whiskers and an unrolled ball of yarn.
LIFE 4 - NAME : DUMAS
DIED : BEE STING TO THE FACE
II have owned quite a number of cats, and you never really think to ask the veterinarian if your cat might be alergic to bee stings. Especially if you name your cat Dumas.
LIFE 5 - NAME : LASERCAT
DIED : BY RUNNING HEADFIRST INTO A CONCRETE WALL
Lasercat actually had started chasing anything a breakneck speed straight out of the womb. The first kill he made was a mouse at one week old. He would even try to kill dead things by rolling them down hill. Everyone knew his days were numbered. Even the vet.
LIFE 6 - NAME : MISS PINKY LAPDANCER
DIED : DISAPPEARED UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES
Two things we know for sure. Her first name PINKY, came from something her female owner liked to do with one finger. Her last name LAPDANCER, came from something her female owner did for a living in her bedroom at night. Personally I think she got made into a French tickler.
LIFE 7 - NAME : PATSY
DIED : STUFFED IN A BAG, THROWN IN THE RIVER
WATERGATE OFF THE RECORD "...Umm so are you Deepthroat, cause we got all our ducks in a row. Ya know...?" Unforuntaely he was addicted to catnip and cocaine, plus he was born nearly deaf. That day he was sure he heard two ducks ask him "If he had 20 bucks for some blow."
LIFE 8 - NAME : MR. CHESTNUTS
DIED : IN A WITNESS PROTECTION STANDOFF
He claims that he was JIMMY HOFFA's CAT "...Lemme tell you one thing for sure, witness protection is not a good place for a cat." I used to have a lot more pleasant sounding name.
LIFE 9 - NAME: BOOTBEAST BOB
DIED : SWOLLOWED WHOLE BY A CHICKENHAWK
JFK's LONEGUNMAN? "Nine Lives, Eight Lives, Seven Lives, Six Lives, Five LIves, Four Lives...Whose the Pussy Now??? You Cat's gonna call me Oswald after I get through with yall.."Oddly it was the unseen hawk above his head that swooped down and took out his ninth and final life as a cat. Boot Beast snipered seven other cats outside of PetsMart before he died.
NO CATS WERE HARMED CREATING THIS HUB. MEOW.
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