Never Own a Pet that Can Eat You

Words of Wisdom

We live an extreme world. Extreme sports, extreme reality TV programs, and extreme 64 ounce soft drink buckets at the drive-through window have all become so extreme as to be virtually mainstream. Pets may not be the proper avenue for demonstrating your proclivity for extreme-ness (extremity?). A cuddly kitty cat or a faithful doggy greeting you in the kitchen each morning probably trumps a massive python lurking in the basement. We all have our favorite animals, both on the dinner plate and in the backyard, but some of nature's creatures are not genetically programmed to coexist in the living room.

Never own a pet that can eat you. Keep these words of wisdom close at hand when browsing the pet store for something to take home and raise as your own. If it moves faster than you, make sure it favors a diet that doesn't include you. If it's bigger than you or it will grow to be bigger than you, resist the urge to adopt it and keep moving toward the kitten cage. Nurturing a beast that just might lose self-control and gorge on your lower extremities represents a risk that's a tad too risky.

A Hamster Cannot Eat You

Consider a harmless hamster or even a harem of harmless hamsters. They're furry and they're content to live in a cage on your kitchen counter. Never will you arrive home after a long day at work only to be attacked by a startled hamster who was lounging behind the refrigerator. These adorable creatures require only a little grocery-store produce and clean water. No exotic foods are necessary. No special precautions must be taken when the thing wants to go for a walk. No hamster ever forgot its' manners and lunged unexpectedly at its' owner's throat, resulting in a tragedy worthy of YouTube.

Hamsters typically cost about the same as a meal at Applebees, although this analogy may not be appropriate. Expect to invest in a cage, usually an aquarium-type enclosure with a secure lid or a wire-screen enclosure designed for small furry creatures. Choosing a glass container will cut down on the noises and smells that inevitably emanate from live animals. The wire-screen container, on the other hand, allows for more interaction with your new best friend and may result in a closer bond with your pet that will not eat you, no matter how hungry it gets.

A Worm Cannot Eat You

Worms will not eat you because they move extremely slowly and don't have any eyes. Unlike an overexcited lion, which might overreact to a harmless gesture from an innocent bystander and launch into self-defense mode, a worm pretty much just lays there and excretes.

Buy some dirt and put some worms in it. Having a pet was never so easy. You don't even need to buy the dirt: simply put your pets outside in the yard and enjoy their playful antics beneath your flower garden. If one dies, you'll never know the difference because they all look the same anyway.

Naming your worms may prove problematic: we suggest refraining from developing bonds with the little wrigglers to this extent. Keeping track of which worm is which is difficult enough without trying to attach little name tags to their segments.

Worms also make great gifts for people who like worms. You can start with as few as two worms and in no time at all you will have numerous worms, none of which pose any threat whatsoever to you or your personal property. A worm, or a horde of worms, will never strike out at you in anger of fear when you trudge to the kitchen for a late night snack. You can't really startle a worm.

A Kitten Cannot Eat You

Possibly the world's most perfect pet than can't eat you is the kitty cat. Expected behavior for a kitten is laying around in the sunshine and sleeping. When it does wake up, the possibility that it will have the inclination or physical strength to threaten your life is extremely remote. When a kitten is startled or cornered, it tends to arch it's back and hiss a little, hardly activities to threaten even the most docile pet owner.

Another wonderful property of a kitten is that you can go to work and it will not wrap itself around any other pets in the house and strangle the breath out of them. A kitten rarely acts out in such a way that larger animals are physically threatened. If the kitten chooses to hide somewhere in the house, it is attempting to be 'cute' rather than plotting an ambush for cohabitants.

Kittens are everywhere. They come in a veritable plethora of colors and textures. They require a modest amount of care relative to mountain lions or falcons. Many organizations give away kittens because they have too many. The market is often glutted with adorable furry baby cats.


Take Care of Your Pets

A pet that can eat you probably needs to remain in the wild. Introducing it into your residence might cause a conflict, a colliding of worlds, a really bad scene, that in the long run will not be beneficial to you or the animal. When your pet eats you, you won't be there to care for it any more. You could write it into your will, but your attorney probably won't be thrilled to be sharing a room with it when your final instructions are carried out.

Try to maintain a household filled with relatively harmless creatures preferring foodstuffs that don't look like you.

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Comments 21 comments

sheila b. profile image

sheila b. 5 years ago

Last night a fly kept landing on my laptop screen. I'd shoo it away only to have it return. When I got up to get ready for bed, the fly came with me. Great, now I have a pet fly, I thought. This morning I didn't see it. I was hoping it had lived out its lifespan. This is the truth - now, as I am typing this comment, that fly is back, exploring my coffee cup. I don't want a pet fly! It can't eat me, but it sure can annoy me.

drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

nicomp - I salute you. The title of your hub alone represents a commandment every human (or humanoid) should live by. Bravo!

profile image

Derdriu 5 years ago

Nicomp: Consider me persuaded!

Thank you for another hilarious survival hub, and voted up and everything else too,


suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 5 years ago from Taos, NM

Great Hub! I love this in view of the animal carnage in Zanesville, OH this week. This should be required reading for some people.

Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 5 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

Mr. Peebles pet shop has a Gorilla for sale. They don't eat people, do they?

nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Robwrite: Never own a pet than can sit on you.

Rod Marsden profile image

Rod Marsden 5 years ago from Wollongong, NSW, Australia

I will vote up and you should get points for silliness. By the way, worms do eat people. Of course you have to be dead at the time you are eaten by them. Robwrite, a gorilla's flatulence could present a problem for you and your neighbors.

I have heard stories of baby alligators being flushed down the loo in places such as Chicago and New York. There, in the sewage system, they grow into man-eaters. Oh, and they will happily take a chunk out of a wandering woman as well. profile image 5 years ago

Disagree - worms are OK. I run a business supplying worms to aging clients who can be buried with their beloved pets when the inevitable day comes. My clients feel good about knowing their relationship with their pets will continue after they've gone.LOL

Rod Marsden profile image

Rod Marsden 5 years ago from Wollongong, NSW, Australia

Disagree with what psychicdog? You don't seem to be disagreeing with the notion that worms help break down dead bodies. What you seem to be saying is that some people want to be eaten by their pets once they are dead. Well if they feel good about being eaten by their pets once they are dead that is okay with me. Mind you the 'relationship' is going to be a bit one sided but good for the worms.

nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

This is taking an unpleasant turn. Please return to talking about my hub. profile image 5 years ago

Rod Marsden - when I wrote the comment your comment was not visible - I was 'disagreeing' with Nicomp's title and Joking/Being Silly (only) - I don't have this business. Regards.

Rod Marsden profile image

Rod Marsden 5 years ago from Wollongong, NSW, Australia

Okay psychicdog. I think we're freaking nicomp out, hee hee.(Sinister laugh.) Worms are also good for the garden and people do have worm farms because they are keen gardeners.

nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

Indeed, this is a forum for discussing my hub. Mine mine mine. profile image 5 years ago

We are discussing how we are not discussing your hub Nicomp! It's all about you and your hub and how we are not discussing it! YOU YOU YOU!

nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

Yes, y'all need to turn the focus back on me. That's the ticket.

Rod Marsden profile image

Rod Marsden 5 years ago from Wollongong, NSW, Australia

YOU nicomp wrote a hub about pets that don't eat people. YOU brought up the subject of worms and we went from there. So it is all connected...the earth...the worms...our final rest...your final rest...your hub. Some people do have a macabre sense of humor about things.

nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

Excellent. It all comes back to me. There's no such thing as bad publicity.

nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

OK, keep talking about me.

5 years ago

Wow peplez u r crazy

DrMark1961 profile image

DrMark1961 4 years ago from The Beach of Brazil

Hamsters bite (personal experience), cats and worms both eat you when you are dead. The ultimate pet? Geese. They are vegetarian and would not eat you, or bite, even if there was nothing else around.

Yes, I am discussing your hub, although my comments appear to be about 14 months too late.

nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

Geese bite. It hurts. Really bad.

I have had gerbils draw blood. On multiple fingers. It probably wouldn't have eaten me, but it was willing to try.

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