The Revenge of the Rabbit

Awwww...

He's cute, he's cuddly...but he's a KILLER!
He's cute, he's cuddly...but he's a KILLER!

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you, I’m normally one of those cheerfully optimistic type people. I’ll notice the flowers before I acknowledge the weeds…or even worse, if the weeds are of the flowering variety, I’ll think those are rather pretty too. Times may be hard, the country in an economic crisis and tomorrow I may be living on Kraft macaroni & cheese, but darn it…I really love Kraft macaroni & cheese and a little time off would be rather nice. Conspiracy theorists abhor my Pollyanna attitude and are often quick to chalk it up to an inherent deficiency in my intellectual make-up. Nobody could possibly be both smart and cheerful at the same time.

Therefore, when I first stumbled upon the evil cabal and their plot to out-plot all other plots, my first natural response was…”Oh, what an adorable bunny!”

Now some might think that being a natural optimist would mean that skepticism is a foreign concept to me. I might be cheerful, but I’m not an idiot. If I’m gullible at times, it’s by choice. For instance, I know that the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy do not really exist…but occasionally I’ve fallen for a diet pill that will miraculously melt away fat without impinging on my sedentary lifestyle. So my second thought upon seeing this picture  

was, “that HAS to be photo-shopped. There is no WAY a bunny could be that big.”

So I googled, I yahooed, I snoped…and to my surprise not only was this rabbit non-fictional, it also had a very interesting story to go along with it. Unfortunately, the more research I did, the further down the rabbit hole I traveled. Without making a conscious decision, I found myself choosing to swallow the red pill and nothing was ever the same again.

Is it too late to choose the blue pill?

Robert

 

His name is, or was…depending on whose story you choose to believe…Robert, a product of rabbit breeder Karl Szmolinksky of Eberswalde, Germany.  According to a February 2007 Washington Post article, the enormous rabbit is known as a German Gray Giant, weighing in at a hefty twenty-three pounds.

In late 2006, Mr. Szmolinky’s hefty hares caught the attention of certain North Korean diplomats.  Because of their size, the rabbits…not the diplomats, were thought to be a good choice as breeding stock and that their progeny would help to alleviate the food shortages in their country.  According to the breeder, each rabbit could yield up to fifteen pounds of meat…which is definitely a LOT of hasenpfeffer.  So, in December of 2006, six carefully selected bunnies, including Robert, were transported to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

In a February 2nd, 2007 article in the Washington Post Foreign Service, writer Craig Whitlock pointed out that while it was true the North Koreans coveted the German bunnies for their gigantism, it was unclear how they would parlay six bunnies into enough sustenance to bring hunger relief to its 23 million citizens.  When questioned, the official of the North Korean embassy in Berlin, who would not give his name, refused to answer any questions about the breeding program.

The Koreans’ choice of rabbits has other German breeders scratching their heads as well.  Karl Heinz-Heitz, chairman of the State Association of Rabbit Breeders in Berlin-Brandenburg, said that German gray giants are hard to beat for size but that they aren’t cheap to fatten up.  It takes wheelbarrow-loads of hay, vegetable and rabbit chow to bring them to maturity.  Thus, they are not economically profitable or cost-effective to raise. 

Concerned for the well-being of his rabbits, Mr. Szmolinsky planned to travel to North Korea to check up on their health in April of 2007.  However, shortly before his departure, he was contacted by an official and the trip was subsequently canceled.  Mr. Szmolinksky has decided not to part with his remaining bunnies.  When a couple of Chinese visitors showed up unannounced at his doorstep asking if they could purchase some of the animals, the breeder claimed that he had gotten rid of them.

The current fate of the big bunnies is somewhat unclear.  There is a story that circulated, claiming that the rabbits, including Robert, were served as the main course at a banquet to celebrate the birthday of North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong-il.  Pyongyang’s embassy in Berlin continues to deny this story and insists the rabbits are alive and well.

The Great Wall of China

 

Perhaps the key to solving the mystery of the bunnies disappearance lies in a rather cryptic title posted in the email subject line that accompanied the reports of Robert’s disconcerting end. 

“They’re Gonna Need a Bigger Wall in China”

For my Australian readers, this tag line may sound familiar.  For everyone else, the quote references a popular television advertisement shown in Australia that depicts a father’s struggle to come up with a factual answer to his son’s question regarding the Great Wall of China.  The following video clip should make the reference more clear:

Why The Great Wall of China Was Built..

This begs the question (damn, I hope I got that right or Shadesbreath will make me read that damn hub again) – What does the Great Wall of China have to do with giant bunnies?

Since it worked for Alec Baldwin’s character in “The Hunt for Red October,” I strolled into the bathroom and began to shave my legs while repeating the question over and over again. “What does the Great Wall of China have to do with giant bunnies?” or conversely, “Why would China need a bigger wall if the bunnies are dead?”

The razor dropped from my suddenly benumbed fingertips as the full impact of my discovery hit home. “That’s it!” I exclaimed, giddy with excitement, “I know how they plan to get the sailors off the nuclear sub…err….I know why the Chinese will need a bigger wall! The bunnies aren’t dead!”

An instant later though, a sobering thought entered my head. If the rabbits were alive and well…then why the need for so much secrecy? It didn’t make sense. They’re just harmless little bunny rabbits…aren’t they?

Images and stories I’d recently read began to filter back into my brain and suddenly I wasn’t so sure. What if these giant rabbits were being bred, not for food, but for a more sinister purpose? Who would even begin to suspect that something so cute, so furry, so gosh darn huggable could be used in such a nefarious way?

The North Koreans…

Obviously the threat of nuclear armament, the blatant testing despite world protest and the ability to launch these types of weapons was simply a ruse, allowing them more time to develop their true WMD.  That’s right…Wabbits of Mass Destruction.

When Bunnies Go Bad
When Bunnies Go Bad

 

I sense your skepticism.  Despite the mounting evidence, I longed for those days of blissful ignorance and found denial quite attractive.  However, with the fate of the world hanging in the balance, I could not in good conscience allow myself to indulge in it for long. 

Using the excuse that my time was spent innocuously playing World of Warcraft, I delved deeper and deeper into the heart of the conspiracy searching for the proof that would convince everyone of this diabolical plot.  But time grows short…and I fear perhaps even now I may be too late to prevent the North Koreans from launching their attack.

Succeed or fail…I must at least make the attempt.  This is what I’ve found…

The Attempted Assassination on President Jimmy Carter

 

The truth of the matter is that the North Koreans have been working on this scheme for years and it wasn’t until providence came in the form of a giant rabbit that they were able to find a more suitable vehicle to launch their plan.  Prior to Robert, the North Koreans were forced to test their program using rabbits of a more normal body size.

In the spring of 1979, President Jimmy Carter was viciously attacked by one of these rabbits as he sat in his boat, fishing in his pond during a visit to Plains, Georgia.  According to the President, he had sighted a large animal swimming toward him.  Upon closer inspection, the animal turned out to be a rabbit.  Not one of your cutesy, Easter Bunny type rabbits, but one of those big, splay-footed things that are known commonly as swamp rabbits.

The animal was clearly in distress, or perhaps berserk.  The President confessed to having had limited experience with enraged rabbits and was unable to reach a definite conclusion about its state of mind.  What was obvious, however, was that this large, wet animal, making strange hissing noises and gnashing its teeth, was intent upon climbing into the Presidential dinghy.

The President, thinking quickly, averted disaster by using the paddle.  The scene, captured on film by a White House photographer, shows the President fending off the furry assassin, thereby thwarting the North Koreans.

The Would-Be Assassin Escapes

Photo courtesy of the Jimmy Carter Library
Photo courtesy of the Jimmy Carter Library

If this had been a giant bunny, the paddle may not have been an effective deterrent.

I can only hope that the Secret Service will be on its toes this spring during the Easter Egg Roll at the White House lawn. How easy it would be for the North Koreans to gift our new, unsuspecting president with an innocuous looking killer Easter Bunny.

"I Don't Want a Bunny Wunny" by Tom Paxton

The Movie Prophecies

At first glance, I nearly dismissed these next two pieces of evidence as purely cult classics. However, if you’ll indulge me for a moment, I’ll point out the frightening truth embedded in each…

The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog

 Most everyone is acquainted with Monty Python’s infamous killer bunny and can agree upon the fact that the humor is derived from the fact that something as harmless as a small rabbit could slaughter a group of well-armed knights.  But for those of you that may not be up on your pop culture please, take a moment to review the following film clip labeled Exhibit B9. 

Exhibit B9

He's enjoying his work just a little too much...don't you think?
He's enjoying his work just a little too much...don't you think?

What one cannot see, unless we magnify one of the frames is this…

After reviewing the footage, I’m convinced that the homicidal hare is actually enjoying the role far too much. And while I cannot corroborate the information received since John Cleese has not returned any of my phone calls, I’ve been told that several cast members received some rather nasty nicks, scrapes and suspicious bite marks while filming this particular scene with the “actor.”

Corny...but...okay, it's just plain corny

Night of the Lepus

 In 1972, this horror film, adapted from an insightful novel written by Australian author, Russell Braddon entitled “The Year of the Angry Rabbit,” seemed rather ludicrous.  However, given what we know now, this movie is anything but that and is in fact downright chilling in its prophetic view of things to come.

If you watch nothing else...you MUST see this one.

In this particular cult classic, cute little bunnies fall into the hands of scientists…although not necessarily North Korean scientists…and become giant meat-eating monsters. I feel compelled to point out the fact that there were no towering walls in the American southwest to keep them out…not in 1972 and not now in 2009. Unless of course we take into consideration the border wall currently under construction between the United States and Mexico…which of course looks as if it could be easily circumvented...and usually is on a daily basis.

The Great Wall of Mexico

If this can't stop illegal immigration, how can we expect this to thwart killer rabbits?
If this can't stop illegal immigration, how can we expect this to thwart killer rabbits?

Hubpages Not Immune

The North Koreans have gone to great lengths to keep their evil plot a secret by using such tactics as diversion and misdirection.  Sadly, even our beloved hubpages has played right into their hands.  I’ve uncovered proof that one of our authors is not whom he claims to be…

BT Evilpants - Beloved Hubber/North Korean Agent

If you look closely, you can see a bit of dried krazy glue on his scalp
If you look closely, you can see a bit of dried krazy glue on his scalp
These can be bought at Van Dyke's Taxidermy for $ 24.95 + sf&h
These can be bought at Van Dyke's Taxidermy for $ 24.95 + sf&h

Although BT Evilpants claims to be a jackalope, after an intensive investigation by Homeland Security that included a raid upon the premises, several sets of false antlers were discovered along with a suspicious quantity of Krazy Glue.

Jackalope or German Gray Giant, product of a North Korean breeding program bent on the destruction of our civilization? I’ll let you decide.

What Do You Think?

Is BT Evilpants Working For The North Koreans?

  • Yes - I've always thought those antlers seemed a little too perfect.
  • Absolutely Not! - Even though BT tried to take over the United States once during the presidential elections, I find it hard to believe he would work for a communist regime bent upon its destruction.
  • If I say yes - can I eat him?
See results without voting

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Comments 42 comments

Carl B 24 months ago

I like this hub. I have just started raising rabbits. I can only imagine how much food those big bunnies would eat in even a days time. Even my small ones eat a lot.


belleart profile image

belleart 2 years ago from Ireland

I literally clicked on this hub because of the top picture....hilarious, but it just got better and better! i dont know if it's a joke or not, but absolutely brilliant! So sad about poor Robert...i hope he's still alive! not liking the way the farmer is handling him though...so sad!


spryte profile image

spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Thank you again Chris!

Eiddwen - Thank you for stopping in and reading this hub and leaving such a great comment :)


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 6 years ago from Wales

This is a brilliant hub. a very unique piece of work. Brilliant!!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

This remains a true work of art!


Raggits 7 years ago

New here, but this is the best I've seen. Very informative! Thanks


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America

NK would be better off under BT - at least he'd let them have 1.5 meals! :) Poor rabbits! - The NKs would eat them raw and fast, they're so hungry.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Patty - I hadn't heard about those two...perfectly awful if you ask me. But then again, with all the news coming out of NK recently, I'm wishing they really did use bunnies. I'm thinking perhaps we should talk to Dottie1 about the underground shelter her mother works at.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America

Nuclear potential is bad in those hands in NK. How about the one meal a day and blindness, which is all true?


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Frieda:

You are very welcome! :) My heart goes out to Robert as well...and his family.


Frieda Babbley profile image

Frieda Babbley 7 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

I read that story of Robert! Poor Robert. That is totally one of my most favorite scenes of The Holy Grail. Excellent choice! Loaded with deadly rabbit info! Love this so much. Thanks.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Patty - LOL! Okay...now I'm really worried. I'm not sure how wise it would be to have BT in charge of a country that has nuclear potential....


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America

I draw the line at North Korean allies. Unless he has infiltrated to overturn the regime that allows people to eat only one meal a day, IF it is mixed half with non-food powder that blinds them. He must be a triple agent out to save the North Koreans for one of his business enterprises. Yes, a set of indentured servants - er - interns...


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Mandybeau - Yes I am!


mandybeau 7 years ago

So you are over 45


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

The Reagan years huh....?

*counts back on fingers* hmmm....

I remember you! My cousin, the tooth fairy talked about you an awful lot. But back then when she told me you were using a strap-on, I thought it was something else entirely. Of course...now I know that she meant yer antlers....

And nevermind on the mini-eggs....I can get my own.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

Ha! I'll gladly drop some chocolate off, but you might want to have a peek at my Easter jackalope hub before you go making requests!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Ha! You don't fool me with your cute & furry ways. Everyone knows that the first course any double agent is taught is semantics.

Btw...if you happen to be in the area on Sunday, can I get one of those extra large bags of Cadbury mini eggs?


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

Now why would you think I'm in cahoots with North Korea? I don't share power with anyone! And I must take issue with your poll. You suggest that I ATTEMPTED to take over the country? Apparently you need to go back and read "Mr. Evilpants Goes To Washington."


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Camping Dan: I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm such a fan of Monty Python that any excuse to include a good clip (especially the killer bunny one) is automatic. Thank you for brightening my morning with your comment!


Camping Dan profile image

Camping Dan 7 years ago

This is too good!! Thanks for posting a hilarious hub to brighten up my morning. Plus I am glad you included the Monty Python clip how could you not talk of bunny revenge and forget the rabbit with fangs?


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

No, cute bunnies are actually viciously rabid rabbits lol


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

*blinks*

Damn...that could explain the aggression factor. I never thought to check if the killer bunnies were just frustrated female bunnies. :)


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Ah, Spryte, absolutely brilliant. We used to breed rabbits which my ex-husband used to love slaughtering to sell to a German Delicatessen in Gaborone. In fact, a rabbit takes about 5 seconds to jump on a doe, hump at a speed faster than light, ejaculate and fall off. I have a scar on my hand from thinking the buck was finished where he attacked me when I tried to remove the doe. Mind you, round two then lasted about 3 seconds.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Mayhmong: I'm still not convinced that the rabbits all became part of a birthday buffet...but who knows. Has anyone seen any extra large rabbit's foot charms in North Korea lately? ...and thank you :) I have to admit...I am an extreme fan of really odd monster flicks...even ones about killer bunnies or tomatoes.

Benson - *big hugs to you cuz I've missed you* - it's a serious subject! Seriously! :)


Benson Yeung profile image

Benson Yeung 7 years ago from Hong Kong

I love it why someone takes humor so seriously.


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

I assumed those 6 big German rabbits were already turned to supper by the time they landed in Korea?! And I kinda figured you would put that movie of those giant killer rabbits. That was a great hub of the beloved cuddly bunnies!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Jennifer - Thank you :)

Sixty - Lions and hyenas too? Average sized ones right? You don't have any giant ones lurking about in the game parks do you?

As for BT, this hub has been up for several days and I notice no denial forthcoming. Of course, he might be busy finding a peg leg to replace the one he donated. A pleasure as always to see you on one of my hubs Sixty! *hugs*


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 7 years ago from South Africa

Now you know why Bt gave up a leg for the Captain's table. It was sure big enough to feed the whole crew. But Beware the big bunnies could have a bad hare day! Btw the koreans are keen to buy lions and hyena's from our game parks. Shades (pardon the pun) of the Australian problem . What will eat the lions and Hyena's?

Great Hub Spryte - not quite vibrating bunnies but a vibrant hub nonetheless!


Jennifer Bhala profile image

Jennifer Bhala 7 years ago from Upstate New York

Very funny and creative. Enjoyable read.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Misty - For Pete's sake (whomever that is) please be cautious when approaching them and should you feel a sudden compulsion to go fishing in a small boat, don't forget to arm yourself with several paddles.

:)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

LOL, Considering we just found a VERY lucky baby rabbit (now released back into the wild) living under our stairs in a cupboard (must have escaped in there from one of our cats), plus we have about 3.5 million of them up by our lake, I reckon they have already arrived!!!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Trisha -

I think we may have to capture BT Evilpants and convince him that informing us of the exact plot would be in his best interest...don't you?

Thanks for dropping in!


Trisha's Artworks profile image

Trisha's Artworks 7 years ago

Wait...cute little,adorable bunnies, could be a giant man-eating-monster...,love the video and cool hub!!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Misty -

I know how much you love animals. Unfortunately, so do the North Koreans. If bunnies should mysteriously appear in your area, do NOT be fooled. They could be killers.

spryte


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Now I know why I missed you so much Spryte, this hub was great, and more than up to your usual hilarious standards :)


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Chris - :) There should be a law about giggling so much as you write one of your own hubs...but damn I had a good time with this one. I'd hoped that it would have the same effect on others, but until it's actually read...I never know whether or not my sense of humor was off or on. Phew! I can now relax...until the North Koreans realize I'm onto them and I have to make a run for it.

*huggles* :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

OMG!  What an entertaining, funny, and expertly crafted hub!  "Wabbits of Mass Destruction" is a beauty, and your choice of vid clips wonderful. (I hadn't seen the Python Bunny skit for a very long time, and I laughed just as hard as I didn the first time I saw it.)  And Tom Paxton too, whom I had never heard before.

Thank you for such a deep, belly laugh on this early Saturday morn.  What a great way to start today.  The inimitable Spryte style lives on!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Funride: They aren't so bad in solid chocolate...but you are right. Despite all the propaganda about how "lucky" they are, I'm going to be keeping an eye on them as Easter draws near. :) I'm also pleased to meet another Monty Python fan as well....I adore them. Thanks for popping in!


funride profile image

funride 7 years ago from Portugal

I always knew there was something wrong with those wicked animals :D

The Monty Python always made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the warning and for showing us how dangerous rabbits can be...


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

2pats: LOL! Sorry about your "hare" but thank you sooo much for being so caught up in this that you gave it priority. I'm honored. :) And yes...it was a LOT of work, but I had so much fun with it too. *hugs*


2patricias profile image

2patricias 7 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

Spryte, what a hilareous Hub! I only meant to take a glance while my hair dried off a little -now I'll need to damp it down to get it straight. Your Hub has wrecked my hair (JOKE) You must have spent hours putting this together, and much more time working out this scary theory.

I expect to see this in the 'top hubs' list (or whatever its called in this lovely new format very soon!

Congrats on an entertaining Hub.

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