What the Duck?! or Creepy Duck Facts

"Alright, you, no more Surprises!"
"Alright, you, no more Surprises!"

Oh Mr. Disney, how you've deceived us! Remember when I disillusioned you about the crapfactories that are mice? That was Mickey Mouse down. Now Donald Duck must go. That's too bad. I liked Donald a lot. Like me, he prefers to wear no pants most of the time and like me he--actually, I think the similarities end there. But anyway, I liked him. And I liked Uncle Scrooge, and Huey, Dewey, Louis tooey. Kindred spirits in the world of no-pants. Alas, all that must change. 'cause ducks ain't right in the head. Yes, friends, ducks are really creepy. Creepier than a stripper in an Ewok costume, creepier than your uncle who keeps trying to show you his dirty magazines, creepier than a clown peering in your window. Science has proven time and again that ducks emerged from Freud's subconscious after a particularly extreme night of binge drinking. Ducks do things that would make Howard Stern say, "Well, that's a bit extreme!" I'm not kidding you. This is your last warning: You cannot unlearn these things. If you read on, you will never, never be able to see ducks the same way again. (Foie gras, however, will still be delicious.)

Ducks Are Cannibals

Here's a real quote from a government website on duck-rearing: "Although cannibalism can begin in ducks of any age, ducklings over 4 weeks old are more prone to develop this vice." Okay, I'll just stop things here. I love how they refer to cannibalism as a 'vice.' Like, "Oh yeah, remember that Jeffrey Dahmer? He had quite a vice." A 'vice' is enjoying lottery tickets or eating an extra slice of pie, not eating an extra slice of your roommate. Back to the government advice, "The underlying reasons for birds turning to cannibalism are not known, but it is associated with boredom and is aggravated by overcrowding, lack of ventilation, faulty nutrition." Where to begin. Ducks become cannibals due to boredom. Boredom?! I didn't even know ducks could get bored. It seems kind of a high mental state for their kind. But even so. Boredom?! That's not an excuse. When you get bored, you watch a movie, do some needlepoint or something. Nobody has ever thought, "Damn I'm bored! might as well eat old Howard Delaney." According to the experts, however, that is how ducks think. Oh, and it can aggravated. So boredom is the main reason. But "faulty" nutrition (whatever that is) and a slightly stodgy atmosphere is enough to set them off on a cannibalistic murderfest. It gets worse. "The only known way to stop it is to remove the rim at the front of the bird’s upper bill." That's right: you have to cut off their mouths to make them stop eating each other. Apparently entertaining them somehow--hiring a magician or clown--doesn't work. Y'just have to cut off their mouths.

Ducks Are Rapists

First, a matter of terminology. I don't wanna use the 'R' word, 'cause that's just the sorta keyword that'll get me in trouble. So we'll just call it Surprise from here on out. And ducks, let me tell ya, are a very Surprising species. Here's what Cosmos magazine had to say, "Ducks, especially mallards, are one of the few species of birds in which males will often [Surprise] females, in a violent act which can result in injuries or death by drowning." You get that? Male ducks will Surprise a female duck to death. They're so keen to Surprise her, that they'll Surprise her in the water, where she drowns. Not only are they murderous Surprisists, but they sometimes throw Surprise Parties for female ducks. It isn't uncommon to see a female duck gang-Surprised until she's dead.

Ducks Are Gay Rapists

Moreover, ducks will sometimes Surprise their own buddies. Mid-flight, no less. Apparently one out of ten ducks live alternative lifestyles. Nothing wrong with gay ducks. Gay Surprise, however, is no better than straight Surprise. The mid-flight Surprises are called "[Surprise] flights." They involve attacking mid-flight until the Surprisee tires and Surprise can ensue. This is often done to females, but often enough is done to males.

Duck Parts

Due to the relentless Surprise of being in the Duck Kingdom, duck parts have evolved into strange, contorted shapes, designed to resist Surprise impregnation. Y'see, female duck parts ("Duck Pie" from here on out) have become so accustomed to Surprise, that they've become a labyrinth of twists and turns, dead-ends and useless pouches, to prevent Surprise fertilization. So male duck parts ("Duck Wang" from here on out) have developed into freakishly-long corkscrew-like appendages that can twist their way deep into the Duck Pie during a Surprise. This means Duck Wang has to wait for Duck Pie to be willing and relaxed if its to fertilize those eggs. Apparently only four percent of Surprises successfully get through the Duck Pie to the eggs within.

Ducks Are Necrophiles

Okay, granted there is only a single known case of duck necrophilia, ("Afterlife Surprise" from here on out). But that just means the ducks are really good at hiding it. It's not the sort of thing you advertise, even if you're a duck. Dr. Kees Moeliker recorded the only known case of Afterlife Surprise amongst ducks. Not only was it a good, lengthy Afterlife Surprise, which he watched for a perversely long time, but it was a gay Afterlife Surprise, which he watched for a perversely long time. This master peeping-tom of the Duck Kingdom explained that a Surprise Flight was taking place when one of the ducks slammed into a window. The other duck decided, "Well, why waste a good opportunity?" and Afterlife Surprise ensued. And he watched for a perversely long time.

An Ode to Duck

In case you want to follow along at home, here's the poem I read in the video:

When Lucifer landed upon Earth's crust
From his vulgar left foot duck-kind was thrust.
For what wicked ways could Nature produce
That, which existing, is Nature's abuse?
The eye of science is raw and festers
When the secrets of ducks it sequesters
For private study and observation--
Observers, lament your occuptation!
Woe to thee, O Duck, foulest of all fowl,
Rapey bird, necrophile, at thee we scowl.
The song of the larks, the cawing of crows,
The hunting of owls are fit for fine prose
And poetry to move the genteel heart;
Eagles, herons, loons, grebes are all apart
From that poisonous beast, commonest bird,
Whose cosmic place is squamous and absurd.

So how do you feel about ducks now?

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Comments 40 comments

the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

you would think that with the inability to grip, duck inimacy would have to be consentual. And i am unclear, are the ducks cannibals as in, eat another duck, or eat duck eggs. How can something with no arms or teeth murder? I find that equally interesting and disturbing!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Pinkie,

It's kind of like a Mario Bros. game: they jump on top of her. I guess where there's a will, there's a way. Ducks are an inspiration to everyone who wants to pursue an avenue of Surprise.

No, it's other ducks they're eating. Their bills are rather flat, so it can't be easy. That gives you an indication of the sheer viciousness of this particular bird. lol

Cheers!


Sufidreamer profile image

Sufidreamer 6 years ago from Sparti, Greece

That made me chuckle, Arthur - they certainly are evil plotters intent on taking over the known universe. We must stop them before it is too late.

Here is a little Alan Moore inspired madness for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFK2Xq2RyiU


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, Arthur, why do you think I don't um well dooooooo!, anything in the bath? ha ha ha ha ha Loved the video! creepy! but great. loved it. cheers nell


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago

I have now forgiven my grandfather his love of duck hunting............ too funny!

Kaie


SilverGenes 6 years ago

OK, your timing is impeccable. I am sending your article to my daughter who has been opening saying this about ducks all her life. Oh, I forgot to mention - brilliant!


SilverGenes 6 years ago

p.s. you don't have an option in your quiz that says "About the same. I always knew they were evil."


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

It comes as no Surprise to me to be Surprised by your ode to the duck. I think they are plotting every duck pond in the Universe with their total Surprise package of goodies. I had no idea they were eater's of flesh, fatty, feathered ducklings. They need to be more ducky about their adventures and not boldly do their surprise's on sure it makes for a messy quack. You made me laugh so hard I quacked up:0)


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

oh, and as an added note, now i know why i hate suprises...


Mike Lickteig profile image

Mike Lickteig 6 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

Geez, who knew ducks were so crazy? Like you my impression was based on Donald and his group, and of course Howard the Duck, who didn't wear pants until the Disney empire insisted he put his clothes on to better differentiate Howard from Donald.

I will never look at a duck in the same way again, and I will always retain the option of an impromptu song and dance, to ensure they don't get too bored.

Mike


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

ewe i remember howard the duck, and that actress from back to the future...ugh. Beasteality anyone??


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Sufidreamer,

haha thanks for that video! Surely one of the truest songs ever written. A prophecy for our times. And it's pretty catchy, too.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Nell,

Exactly! Ducks are just waiting for you to get in the bath, Nell. They are full of Surprises. Take it from me. I learned the hard way. hehehe

Glad you enjoyed my creepy poem.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Kaie,

lol exactly, your grandfather was performing a public service. In some sense, he was a soldier, defending humanity from its most wicked foe.

Cheers!


carolina muscle profile image

carolina muscle 6 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

Another very witty post!!!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey SilverGenes,

haha that's a very good point! My poll will be updated shortly. Your daughter's a very wise girl. ;)

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey saddlerider,

lol Now you've made me think of a duck's "Surprise package." I think I'll use that line next time I hit on someone. "Hey baby, wanna see my Surprise package?" It might work.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Pinkie,

Yeah, me too. They're a real pain in the butt.

Y'heard it here first, folks.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Mike,

My favourite has always been Daffy. The great Duck Dodgers himself. And he still rules. Anyone should be honoured, yes honoured, to be Surprised by Daffy. haha

My knoweldge of Howard the Duck, like Pinkie, comes from that dodgy movie with Leah Thompson. The Duck gets to boink Caroline in the City. He even has duckcondoms. At least he didn't Surprise her. I suddenly want to watch that movie again. I liked it as a kid. Despite the um, 'interspecies luv'. (That's the politically correct term, Pinkie.)

hahaha If you record video of your dance, I'll include it on the hub as an example of Duck Entertainment. Think about it.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Mr. Muscle,

Glad you dug it. Thanks for dropping by.

Cheers!


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Arthur - too funny and eye-opening, too. Here's an ode I penned for you: Ducks are evil. Ducks are bad. Ducks will surprise a lass or a lad.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Doc,

Your little poem works because it's true. It should be repeated in the nurseries. Better our nations' children learn while they're young.

Thanks for dropping by.

Cheers!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Unfortunately I'd just sat down with a cup of coffee and a bowl of popcorn when I began reading what was already funny just by its title. Now, dang the ducks - my laptop moniter's splattered with coffee-stained popcorn debris!! I'm so visual, though and this is a DANGeraous article to visualize - as my monitor can testify!

Turning to more civilized aspects, I'm entranced by your poetic reading style. First, though, let me say I think your rubbery facial expressions are adorable. Too bad you didn't go on and narrate the poem au natural. (the face, the face!) Ahem - That would be a visual to cherish! But anyway, the somewhat flat words of the poem come to life in your audio, almost like lines of Shakespeare. I'm reminded of other impressive Canadian voices, like Donald Sutherland, for instance. Or Lorne Greene and even a memorable one from before your time, but from your Quebec, - Glenn Ford, a favorite of mine! Since you may not know of him, here's a memorable clip of a movie scene in which, in his inimitable voice, he utters what is known as "The Most Sexist Line In Movie History" which demonstrates his voice quite accurately and may amuse you with its improbable message - though at the time - it was surely pretty true to form! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVLKArzODO4&feature...

Now about foie gras - - isn't that too cruel? To fatten a poor bird's liver to that point just for a moment of human gastronomic ecstasy?? Makes one even wonder if the poor duck or goose whose liver is thus prepared may have simply expired from a heart attack, not to mention what it must do to one's own cholesterol count. Yegads!

I may have nightmares. Don't know which visual is more disturbing now, foie gras served in swanky clubs or that some cannibalistic duck may be after some other poor duck's fat liver! Yikes. Wonder if the victim would have been surprised prior to being eaten.

Hey, kiddo, this is Alfred Hitchcock kinda stuff! Makes one of sensitivity sort of jittery.

Ack! Now I've remembered that my older brother dated a girl named Ducky Weathersbee in High School. I don't even want to think about it. . . .

Nightmares! Maybe I'll give up sleeping altogether! This could be hard on my health and mess up my intention to live to be 100 and still pretty frisky! Oh, the confusion! ;->


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

I see you're up to your speciest ways again. Am I the only one in this thread who can see this for what it is... a vicious smear campaign?

Let's not be beastly to the ducks. They look cute when they cross the road as a family. I s'pose you'd run over them. Well duck you Windermere!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Nellie!

LOL I DO have a 'rubber' face and that's precisely why I did not want to read the poem on screen. It would have been more nightmares for you. Trust me. I really got into it. But I'm glad you enjoyed the voice acting. I was trying to parody Shakespearean acting.

Oh, I certainly know Glenn Ford. He's in one of my favourite slasher movies (hehehe) Happy Birthday to Me. He gets murdered. He was an older gentleman by that point, but still handsome. I can't believe I didn't know he's from Quebec. Wow! And thanks for the clip. hehehe ahh, they were naïve then, weren't they? Being compared to Donald Sutherland is way more than I've earned. He's amazing.

No, I agree, foie gras is cruel and I don't genuinely support it. As evil as ducks are, it doesn't give us leave to make them morbidly obese and eat their livers. (This is a sentence I never expected to utter.)

I'm glad I didn't record my poetry reading now, or you might give up sleeping. I want to see you here in 2035.

Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Jane!

Thanks for the kind wo--oh wait, you didn't leave any kind words! Not even for all the hard work I put into that video. And the use of the word 'squamous.'

hehehe When I'm done, very few animals will have their reputations in tact. But hey, it's all Pravda, baby!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a duck crossing to visit. No car, however. So I can only fantasize.

Cheers!


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

Sorry I didn't notice the video...I didn't realise it was you. I've got to stop skimming these things. So that's what a Canadian sounds like. A stunning performance.

Yes...'squamous' is very evocative.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Yes, my hubs should never be skimmed. I'm full of Surprises.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Thanks, Arthur! Glad you knew of Glenn Ford. He was a heartthrob in my earlier "day". In "Gilda" with Rita Hayworth - he was HOT!

Oh yes - Donald Sutherland is right up there with the best and he just seems to get better and better the longer he lives. My first great impression of him was in the orignal movie of M.A.S.H. He MADE that movie and it went on to become a good TV series for Alan Alda to step into, then. I don't believe I've ever seen him in a role I didn't like. A version of "Pride & Prejudice" with him as Mr. Bennet is one of his best, though the movie itself doesn't measure up to the BBC production of it in it's authentic rendition of Austen's novel.

I had spent a good deal of time researching an actor I associated with Canada whom I wanted to share with you too but it turned out to be a twisted journey: Daniel Massey, the son of Raymond Massey, the well-known actor who was the son of the founder of the famous Massey-Ferguson Tractor Co. up there (I think I got that right).

I really find Daniel Massey delightful. He has a rubber face too & is such a good actor who can play a romantic lead beautifully by being a bit of an odd duck. (oh - sorry - not a duck!) But in any case, it takes talent to be believeable doing that.

Seems he's attributed with being a British actor, though. He's not terribly well-known over on this side of the pond. But my point was to be that he has a memorable voice & some sort of Canadian roots. His dad's voice is amazing, but carries those associations befitting some of the horror characters in which he was cast during his career.

Not to worry. My sleeping habits are simply weird anyway - have been since childhood. I enjoy the passtime but there are so many things to do & books to read, you know! I'd smuggle a book under the covers with a light when I was still sleeping in my youth bed with the high barred sides! I'll always put off sleep if there's a project to finish or something else important to be pursued. I seem to have devised some system to stay alive in spite of it. So fire away with the poetry readings! I'm fearless! lol

I had to listen to your video again, btw. Just now.


WoesOfACollegeKid profile image

WoesOfACollegeKid 6 years ago

Arthur,

I don't think I'll ever look at a duck the same way again. Haha. Good hub.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Kid,

And never turn your back on a duck, or you might be in for a Surprise. Cheers!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Nellie,

I'm afraid I'm really not familiar with Daniel Massey. I of course know Raymond Massey's work. He starred in The Old Dark House, I believe, alongside Boris Karloff and Charles Laughton. And I'm familiar with his daughter Anna Massey, whom I've always found strangely attractive. She starred in Peeping Tom, one of the greatest movies ever made in my opinion. Never came across Daniel, however. Interestingly, I see he played Noel Coward in Star! and Jane Bovary just wrote a hub on Noel Coward. A little synchronicity there.

Donald Sutherland recently played an architect-cum-mystic in Nicolas Roeg's latest film, Puffball. The character kind of reminds me of you. If you get a chance to see Puffball, give it a shot. I bet you'd see the brilliance of it.

hehehe I've always loathed the need to sleep myself, but I'm terrible at fighting off drowsiness. So I totally understand. Alright, I promise I'll do more poetry readings then. I'm working on my next volume of Pretty Poems for Dirty Minds. I'll read them all as angelically as I can muster.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

I consider you somewhat of an icon on these hubpages -

you are a chameleon with all of your different 'photo' profiles and it is a persona which is very unique!

Remember that movie Thunderbolt and Lightfoot where George Kennedy tells the little boy - "Hey kid - go f--k a duck!"

(it's a Clint Eastwood movie with Jeff Bridges)

..and as always no one and I mean - no one -can make a seemingly banal subject as ducks as entertaining and irreverent as you!


Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

Just ducky Arthur. What a hoot..or should i say honk? I must commend you not only for your content and style, but for coming up with such totally bizarre subject matter. As for me, I've always maintained that Daffy Duck was gay. As for foie gras, love it. I may be green but I'm no vegetarian.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey GL,

You eat foie gras? No way! You've just Surprised my soul, Green Lotus. Truly.

Gay or not, Daffy Duck is my hero. I would go gay for his fine, feathered behind. haha

Thanks for dropping in. Cheers!


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

Massey like Masssey hall?

I used to listen to alot of TO radio....

a bizzare yet delightful hub good weird stuff


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago Author

Hey Tom,

Bizarre-yet-delightful is a pretty good description of most things I do. hehe

Cheers!


lennonforever/Denise 6 years ago

maybe that's why they fly South for the winter, they're 'lamming it outta town' to beat the fuzz!


ErricZ 5 years ago

I have 4 Pekins, well 1 now ... I agree with everything! Cannibals, rapists, murderers, I saw it all! These ducks are certainly evil and I will never rescue them again.


Sam Inayat-Chisti 23 months ago

Hey - your poem is weird as is your readingof it. That said, bothit's writing and your animated (albeit teddibly affected) readingof it - ARE TERRIFICK!

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