Why are Dogs Stealing our Jobs?

An all-too-common image of a dog performing a human's job.
An all-too-common image of a dog performing a human's job. | Source

FINALLY: America's News Media Notices that dogs are taking human jobs!

America's Newsweek magazine has just noticed that dogs are filling thousands of human jobs. You can read Newsweek's dry article on this amazing transformation in employment, written by Jesse Ellison. It is entitled, "Are Dogs Stealing our Jobs?", and can be read in full here...

So, according to Newsweek Magazine, there is a growing tide of dog employment occurring here in the United States. While our nation's REAL human unemployment (and so-called 'underemployment') is stubbornly hovering between nine and eleven percent, and has been this high since about 2009, the unemployment rate among American dogs continues to fall! This can not be a coincidence!

According to Newsweek, dogs are 'stealing' jobs in the fields of Medicine, National Security, Pest Control, Police Science and Zoology. You can add these other well-known dog employment fields:

- Agricultural Produce Protection

- Disability Aide

- Feline Control

- Firefighter Aide

- Human Crowd Control

- Human Rehabilitation

- Laboratory Research

- Livestock Herding and Protection

- Missing Persons and Animals

- Organic Waste Management

- Private Security

- Voter Control and Intimidation.

YOU CAN SEE THAT DOGS HAVE TAKEN HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS - PERHAPS MILLIONS! - OF JOBS AWAY FROM AMERICAN MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN.

Unfortunately for unemployed people, these alert-looking dogs are seeking high-wage employment.
Unfortunately for unemployed people, these alert-looking dogs are seeking high-wage employment. | Source

Et tu, Brutus?

I have heard (from reliable sources) of at least one former State Senator (whom I'll call Jones) from Wisconsin who used to imbibe too many adult beverages some nights before senate sessions. When Jones could not arouse himself to attend morning sessions and committee meetings, he had his chauffeur drive his German Shepherd Dog to the capitol building in Madison. This handsome white dog, named Brutus, would trot into the Senate chamber and take the old senator's seat. Whenever legislative items came to a vote on the front tally board, Brutus would push one of the three buttons on the senator's desk: (1) 'Yes / Approve', (2) 'Present' or (3) 'No / Disapprove'. As many younger members of Jones' political party followed his lead on controversial votes, Brutus the German Shepherd Dog had a significant influence on senate voting outcomes - far beyond the influence wielded by other pets (and a few 'pink elephants') who have occasionally voted in the Wisconsin legislature. For example, Brutus' leadership was instrumental in passing funding bills for the 18 new Wisconsin Canine Maternity Care Clinics. Indigent Wisconsin dogs can also be given a dignified burial at state expense, due to Brutus' voting leadership in 1981. Senator Jones' dog was also instrumental in changing the Wisconsin "Official State Pet", from the Feral Cat to the American Water Spaniel, back in 1978.

But, to be quite honest, Brutus most frequently voted 'Present' during most of these Wisconsin Senate votes. Of course, this is how Senator Jones voted most of the time, too. In this way, Jones and his German Shepherd Dog avoided most of those controversial votes that cause Wisconsin State Senators and Legislators to lose their political offices.

Old Senator Jones almost lost his seat in an intra-party fight with a younger party challenger, but kept his seat when Brutus died unexpectedly (in 1984) at the age of 12. Out of spite, Senator Jones refused to pay for a dignified funeral for Brutus. In a very ironic twist, Brutus' crucial vote from three years' earlier allowed the dog-legislator to receive a formal funeral and burial, at Wisconsin state government expense, and the solemn event was attended by many of the younger senators in his political party. (Unlike old Senator Jones, Brutus had never led the young senators to vote the wrong way!)

This is Sparky, the reliable canine Electrician's Assistant.
This is Sparky, the reliable canine Electrician's Assistant. | Source

Another $18 per hour Job ... lost to Canis Familiaris!

Several years' ago, I met Master Electrician Lars Uhtred from Mankato, Minnesota. I noticed that his only helper was a Border Collie-Shetland Sheepdog mix named Sparky. I asked Mr. Uhtred if he didn't have any assistants and he replied, "Ja, I do and sure i do! See yon dog, Sparky, he's my best assistant!"

Surprised, I asked Mr. Uhtred to explain and he told me that since becoming a Master Electrician and starting out with his own electrical contracting business, he's had three previous human assistants. The latest assistant had been paid $18 per hour plus benefits. Unfortunately, that last assistant also had several bad habits, including his tardiness, laziness, insubordinate attitude (as well as his bad habit of urinating all over the job sites). After finally terminating this man's employment, Uhtred started to bring Sparky to his job sites for some companionship. He was surprised how helpful young Sparky tried to be and the dog eventually provided better service than any of his previous human assistants! Now, four years' later, Sparky the Electrician's Assistant has shocked many locals by taking the place of a human assistant.

"Ja wohl," says Lars Uhtred, "Sparky is better than any human that has ever worked for me! He still has a problem with urinating all over the job site, like my previous assistant, but customers seem to be less upset when Sparky is the one doing the peeing. I was almost arrested a few times in the past, when my 'dumbkopf' assistant relieved himself in front of neighborhood women and children!"

Besides, Sparky cheerfully works all day long for just $3 per day in dog food and treats. Uhtred concluded, "That sure beats paying dumb guys to provide a half-hearted work effort for $18 per hour plus full benefits! Sparky is worth his weight in gold, you betcha!"

Poll: Should dogs be allowed to fill human jobs?

Should dogs be allowed to take jobs from hungry, unemployed human beings?

  • Yes
  • No
See results without voting

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