Confessions of a non dog-lover.

I know this article is not going to win me any friends, and probably will make me a lot of enemies, but I have to get this off my chest. Okay…here it goes…I am just going to come out and say it, I am not a dog person. What’s more, I don’t really like dogs, at all. I barely tolerate my own dogs and I know this may be hard to believe, but I don’t like your dog. I don't like it pushing its gross, wet, nose into my private parts, or humping my leg, or drooling on my hand or sitting next to me on the couch. Please put it outside. It smells bad.

I have two dogs. I admit these dogs entered my life when I was in the midst of many, many diaper changes, bedtime routines, homework struggles, etc. I really, truly have very little time or patience for these dogs. The worst of it is, they expect things from me. Things like walks and water and food. Not from other people, just me. Here is an example of their overwhelming neediness. The day is winding down; dinner is over, the homework is finally done, baths are given, the counters wiped clean, I sit down, lean back to finally relax and hear this..

(Whine, whine.)

“Oh good idea", I think, “Wine!”

Ahhh. I sit down again, this time with my nice glass of pinot and…

(Whine, whine!)

There they are. Two furry balls of pure annoyance staring at me with their googly eyes. Panting. Expecting something.

“What! What! WHAT!!” I scream. “For God sake can't I have two **&!!* minutes please.”

(Whine, pant, whine, pant, scratch, whine, pant, whine, whine, whine!)

I yell loudly, "God help me, did anyone feed the dogs! Today… yesterday…this month...Ever?"

I know there are people out there who love dogs. Just love, love, love them! I know this because the kennel where I board my dogs, (sometimes just so I can have a mental health day), offers a spa weekend for dogs including massage, pedicures and bedtime stories. That's right. Bed-Time-Stories. For dogs. This is surely a sign of a society that has gone right over the edge.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want anything bad to happen to dogs. I just resent the fact that we are all supposed to be crazy in love with them, and I don't understand why they are suddenly accepted in all facets of life. There I am eating at an outside cafe, enjoying my moment of solitude, and a dog and it's owner come and sit at the table mext to me. The dog plops itself at MY feet. Its hot breath on MY leg. Drool dripping down my ankle. The owner smiles at me, and starts to read his book. Then the dog sits up and puts his head in my lap, looking up at me, expecting something. The owner glances over. "Sorry," he says, giving the dog a feeble tug on its leash, "He loves people."

No, he doesn't. He loves my french fries, and you know what I don't want to share them. I give a grim smile and move down the bench, with my fries. The owner glares, "Sorry pal," he whispers loudly into his dog's raggedy ear, so I can hear, "Did she hurt your feelings?"

Huh? Why are we suddenly ascribing human emotions to dogs? The dog isn't insulted by my lack of affection, he just wants to eat my lunch. What if I had put my head in your lap, and panted and drooled all over your leg Mister? (Well...maybe that's not a good example.)

I know I am in the minority with my feelings because dog lover books are selling like hot-cakes, there are whole television channels dedicated just to dogs, and multi-million dollar movies are being made over and over about loveable dogs, and their supposedly hilarious antics. I am pretty sure I am the only one on the planet that hated Marley and Me. All I could think through the whole movie was, “If that was my dog I would have shot it by now."I just don’t get it, what has happened to us over the past twenty years or so? What is up with dogs? When I was little, people had dogs, liked them well enough, let them run around, and played with them occasionally, but, no one I knew was taking their dog to cafes, or pampering them with fancy daycares, Christmas presents, or bedtime stories. They were dogs. That’s it. Not humans, dogs.. surprise! Dogs are not humans! The more we try to make them like us, the more we are messing with their dogness. Let them be dogs. They don't need to be carried in pocket books, or go to summer camp or have therapy with a crazy person who believes they can actually communicate with animals (save your money on that one, you will need it for vet bills.)

Perhaps this is what is really bothering me. When did dogs stop being, well, dogs, and turn into humans? Why do we feel the need to pamper our pets, giving them manicures, massages and psychiatric medications? Aren't we just making them neurotic, fat and spoiled....sort of like us? I have enough neurotic, fat, spoiled humans around me all day. I don't want a pet that is like me, or you, I want a pet that is a pet. And I don't want to be made to feel guilty because I am not buying them expensive clothes, or canine teeth whitener, or sending them to doggy yoga, I have teenagers for that. And I resent the fact that as I (as a non dog lover) am seen as lower on the totem pole of evolution while the dogs are apparently rising up. Didn't you ever see Planet of the Apes when you were little? Look what happened when the the animals took over. Not good, not good...

So, why is it suddenly expected that everyone in this country should love dogs? Somehow not liking dogs is the mark of an inferior personality, or a serial killer? What is wrong with not liking dogs? Must we all bow to this canine obsession? They pant, they drool, they shed, they eat their own excrement, they eat their own puke, they roll around on dead things, they lick their own butts, they hump their own family members and, they go in and out and in and out all day! Haven’t they evolved enough through the thousands of years of domestication to learn how to open the freakin’ door by now! If they can't master that, then how can they ever hope to succeed in canine therapy?

Okay, I know there must be others out there who feel like I do. I say it is time to unite, to come out from the closet, to stand up for our rights! To scream from the rooftops, "I DON'T LIKE DOGS AND I'M OKAY!

Dog lovers, you can sign in too and attack. Defend your pets, excuse me I mean, companions…but I won’t be here, I have to stop at the new Doggy Donuts bakery before going to the Canine Holistic Health Center for my dogs chiropractor appointment.