How to Draw the Most Dreadful Pictures You Have Ever Seen
Picture the scene.
- You are a cat
- You are in a maze
- You turn left
- You turn left again
- And again
- And again
- Now you turn right
- You have escaped this maze
- You enter a submarine
- You are now a sandwich
- You get eaten
- You are now a carrot
- You grow seven arms
- You escape the maze
- You are cornered in a nightclub in Vienna by a pink goat
- You will be charged 12 000 cows if you do not draw a picture of such magnificent awfulness that it will cause all whom bask in its utter dreadfulness to jump into the fiery its of well...a fire...
Well if you happen to find yourself in this exact situation (it will work in no other) and you do not have access to those cows then you have come to the right place!
No, don't be silly! I'm not going to show you how to potato a cook but I will extend my vastly minuscule knowledge upon your pretty little brain.
So what are we waiting for I hear you shout from the rooftops of Kuala Lumpur! Well maybe I want to write a completely irrelevant intro that bears- WAIT! Bears?! Damn those are scary!
Where was I? Oh yes...well why are you stalling?! I wanted to tell you before I even started writing but it's too late now. Well might as well start so let us begin...
To draw with such repulsiveness do this you require these seven objects:
- Access to the Great Pyramid of Giza [Optional]
- Water from the Fountain of Youth [Optional]
- A method of drawing [For my examples I will be using the trusty Microsoft Paint]
- A subject [Such as maths or science]
- A subject [Such as a bowl of fruit or a fried egg]
- Some more water from the fountain of youth [Again optional]
- Fire to destroy your creation before anyone may look upon it.
If you have these seven items then we may continue. If not then accept your failure as inevitable and blame it on someone else to make you feel better.
The Middle Bit
This is where you actually start to draw.
I will have to demonstrate of course and so will have to choose a subject. I choose a panda because who are you to tell me what I can and cannot draw!?
You, of course, may choose whatever you want to draw. Not a panda though. If you draw a panda I will sue you. Panda-bear that in mind. [See what I did there?!]
Anyway now that you have chosen your subject you must start by drawing a simple outline.
You may now follow on by adding eyebrows. [These make whatever you are drawing come together]
For the eyes make them look like they are judging you from afar. I drew eyes that seem to reflect the dark soul of the panda. There is a lot of emotion in these eyes reflecting upon a life of hardship and pain.
One word. Awesome glasses. Well that was two...actually by the end of me writing this it will come to twenty four excluding the first two.
Lots of hair.
Finish off the face.
And so there you go, if you follow these instructions you will be able to draw a picture of such stupendous atrocity that you will be loathed by everyone who gazes upon it.
Your life will be scarred forever and you will never have the social skills to enable you to partake in a committed relationship as you will always think back to the picture you drew that caused societies to collapse and wars to occur.
So have a nice life...