10 "Fatal" Things to Never Say to a Police Officer

Well look at you

breezing down the interstate with a huge grin on your face. Your hair styled and gelled. You are "in the zone." Things at work and in your love life went your way today. What a day you've had. A day that would make a great screenplay for Disney's Dream Works pictures. You are on your way home from a lavish celebration at your super-model-type girlfriend's apartment where you were the guest of honor for being the "Top Salesman" for the fifth year in a row at your used car lot where business is booming thanks to you and those perfect teeth you have.

Ahh yeah. Life is pretty good. No worries. And you even broke your own rule in sipping some vintage "bubbly," well in all honesty, you drank about five glasses of "bubbly" with your old college frat buddy, "Todd," who was also at this party because he works for you at your used car lot. What a swell guy you are. What a swelled head you have thanks to all of the sudden-success you have. But, friend. You earned it. Smooth sailing for you from here on out.

Well, you're in for it now, friend.

Mr. Policeman clocked your trailer truck going 88 in a 55 MPH zone. Looks like a ticket. But keep your mouth shut or it could be worse.
Mr. Policeman clocked your trailer truck going 88 in a 55 MPH zone. Looks like a ticket. But keep your mouth shut or it could be worse.

or so it seemed

Uh, oh, you say to yourself while smiling at yourself in your rear view mirror. What's this, a blue light flashing? you also think to yourself. Just what poor sap is this policeman after? Couldn't in a hundred years be "me" you muse.

But oh my friend, what a deceptive haze a dose of self-importance breeds. You think because you are good-looking, have great hair, teeth, money in the bank, a super-model-type girlfriend and now with the award for "Top Saleman," for the fifth year, you are immune to the law. Getting pulled-over is for low-lifes, losers and low-achievers you think to yourself as the police car gets closer and closer to your rear bumper. It is you he is after. The policeman has to be mistaken. You are not a lawbreaker. You come from a good family. And graduated summa cum laude from Princeton University. You are a "blue blood," for decency's sake.

Mr. Policeman and his friends

do a lot of good for society. Like subduing troublemakers who think they have a right to speak their mind at anti-government rallies.
do a lot of good for society. Like subduing troublemakers who think they have a right to speak their mind at anti-government rallies.

The moment of truth

has arrived. "You," are the one who is being pulled-over. In the next five to ten minutes, the very words that come from your lips are very important. Your words you say to this hard-working police officer can either give you the freedom you love, send you to a cold, smelly jail cell, or just get a simple traffic ticket, and hey, with the dough you make, you can pay the ticket with the "chicken feed" in the pocket of your corduroy pants.

MY ADVICE TO YOU NOW, "MR. SUCCESS," IS TO NOT SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY. AND DO NOT LET YOUR EMOTIONS LET YOUR MOUTH LEAD THE POLICE OFFICER TO THINK YOU ARE A JACKASS.



Mr. Policeman's grandfather is shown

doing the same work as his grandson. Writing some "loser" a parking ticket. What a hit to the wallet of this owner's car. About $2.00. But the law must be served.
doing the same work as his grandson. Writing some "loser" a parking ticket. What a hit to the wallet of this owner's car. About $2.00. But the law must be served.

Any one of these lawbreakers, (except the hot chicks), could be you

"Easy, son," says this dedicated city police officer. The handcuffs are to protect the "person of interest," as well as the police officer. I learned this fact from the TV show: COPS.
"Easy, son," says this dedicated city police officer. The handcuffs are to protect the "person of interest," as well as the police officer. I learned this fact from the TV show: COPS.
This pretty girl is being arrested for a major crime: Disturbing the male fans of this Atlanta Braves baseball game by wearing a skirt that is too short and tight for public appearances.
This pretty girl is being arrested for a major crime: Disturbing the male fans of this Atlanta Braves baseball game by wearing a skirt that is too short and tight for public appearances.
"Just doing my job, son," says the sheriff's deputy to the right. Someday this young lawbreaker will understand why stealing cars is frowned upon by the police.
"Just doing my job, son," says the sheriff's deputy to the right. Someday this young lawbreaker will understand why stealing cars is frowned upon by the police.
The lady police officer never "plays favorites" eve with hot chicks she has to arrest. But she did, make this attractive blond's handcuffs a bit looser to keep her dainty wrists from being rubbed raw.
The lady police officer never "plays favorites" eve with hot chicks she has to arrest. But she did, make this attractive blond's handcuffs a bit looser to keep her dainty wrists from being rubbed raw.

Never say ANY of These

"Ten Fatal Things

You Never Say

To A Police Officer"


1.) "Officer, do you smell liquor on my breath?"



2.) "Hold it, officer, while I put my handgun under the seat."



3.) "That white powder in the floor board is from some Dunkin Donuts I had earlier."



4.) "Do you know a girl named, "Fast Sally?"



5.) "Your radar is wrong, man. I know I was "clocking" 75, but you say I was doing 60."



6.) "Officer, do you really think that bribes are illegal?"



7.) "How is your pretty wife?"



8.) "My license? Oh shucks! Left them at that wild "Alochol Drinking Contest" last night."



9.) "Insurance? On this heap? " "You're serious aren't you?"



10.) "Officer, you look just like Eric Estrada who played "Ponch," on C.H.I.P.s"


And although these things in this list may appear humorous, I highly-suggest that if you have any common sense, judgement or awareness of your surroundings, do not say anything even closely-related to these 10 things I have listed for your protection.

I know. I will sound corny, uncool, and not-hip, and could be kicked "out of the social loop" by saying this to you: "Always try your best to obey all traffic and civil laws when you are at home or away."

The police, contrary to negtative press, are not Hitler's Storm Troopers. They are men and women with lots of precision training that will enable them to help you if you are a victim of a hedious crime or if you are accused of a crime.

Just tell the whole truth to the police officer who questions you about whatever problem he or she is trying to solve. Police are human beings just like you. Fallible, imperfect and they occasionally make a mistake. And through the legal channels available for you, the offending officer will be dealt with by his Internal Affairs Department. It's safe to say that "the police police themselves" to keep you and me, and the rest of America free and happy to be in the United States.

And please, I beg you, DO NOT try to be funny, cute or entertaining when a policeman "blue light's" you. They are not in the mood.

Besides, they've all seen your corny act before.

More by this Author


Comments 52 comments

rahul0324 profile image

rahul0324 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

Great hub Kenneth! Good One here! We in India have some similar things we never ought to say to policemen...

Giggles here

Rahul


justateacher profile image

justateacher 4 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

Yeah - these are good things NOT to say...and another is "Honestly, I just wasn't paying attention! I didn't know I was doing 100 in a 70!" If you say that, on top of the speeding ticket, they add inattentive driving! (And no ... that hasn't happened to me...really! Ok...it was 102 in a 70...)


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I was returning from inspecting the 1989 earthquake damage in the bay area when I popped over a hill in Nevada doing 90 miles per hour. A Nevada Highway Patrol car was coming from the opposite direction, and as soon as I saw him slam on the brakes, I knew he had me on radar, so I just pulled over and stopped. I dug out my papers and stuck them out the window while he turned around to get me.

He told me that nobody had ever done that before. I told him that I knew he had me so why pretend?

He laughed and gave me a ticket for wasting fuel. It cost $15 and no points. It helps to just submit and take your medicine!


writer20 profile image

writer20 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

Good funny hub for you followers. Voted up funny and interesting.


brackenb profile image

brackenb 4 years ago

Great hub - amusing but contains good advice!


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

also, don't say, 'How much is the insurance company paying you?' very funny. i love the intro.


Angela Blair profile image

Angela Blair 4 years ago from Central Texas

I can personally testify this is wonderful advice. Getting smart-mouthed with the law will get you a huge ticket along with a big speech about obeying the law -- been there done that some years ago and haven't ever forgotten it! Great Hub Kenneth -- and so cleverly written. Voted up. Best/Sis


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Haha...funny hub. I always say that if you get caught (at anything) just own up to it! There's nothing more pathetic than someone trying to worm their way out of something with lies!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Rahul, thank you for your nice comment. And in America, along with the things in this hub, add this one: "Does your sister have a steady guy?"

That one will definitely get you sent to traffic court. And like my dear friend, Justateacher, this has NOT happened to me.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Justateacher and what do I always say??? No, you are MORE than a teacher!!! And your comment was right-on. Saying that you were not paying attention will give the officer the idea that you are not actually qualified to drive. And this comment: "officer, you want to see me drive with my eyes closed?" Talk about a whopping amount of money on a ticket, that will do it.

Thanks, Justateacher, for your nice and humorous comment. Please do not stay away as long next time.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Willstarr, my good friend, you are probably the "last honest man" in the USA. What a great idea - - -telling the truth. What good would it have done to act when you're guilty? None.

Thanks for teaching and reminding us.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, writer20,

Thank you from my heart for your sweet comment. My followers are why I am doing this anyway and YOU are included. IF I, through some miraculous linking of words and thoughts, can make you happy if only for one minute, then my Maker will smile too.

Thanks again and visit soon!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

brackenb . . .I thank you sincerely for your comment on this hub. Amusing is a great way to describe this . . .I viewed the driver in error as "me" sitting behind the wheel and dishing out all kinds of stupid things that I thought sounded wise. So much for my thinking.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, darling shea,

NICE! Loved that comment to NOT make to an officer. And thank you so very much for always being there with the right choice of words. Why don't YOU write "Things For Women to Never Say to A Female Police Officer" that would be fantastic! Such as: "You buy that lipstick at that last gas station?"

Thanks a lot, shea!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, angela,

so true what you said about a big mouth getting you in deeper trouble. I knew of a man who did this in my teens and NOT me. I was always afraid of the state troopers. They all looked so intimidating with those shades. Anyway, a guy got pulled over for a brake light being out...a minor ticket. With his cursing and insults, it ended up being a $300-dollar ticket and a three-day stay in the pokey.

I appreciate your wisdom, Angela and for your votes too.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest catgypsy,

I agree. Like Willstarr, just say, "yep. Im guilty. I was really clocking down this road, officer. Men like me do not deserve to drive. I am not a good example for a driver. Throw the book at me." Well, that is a bit much, but at least that would be a remorseful confession.

Thanks a MILLION, catgypsy.

You, Foxy and Heidi have a happy day.

Sincerely,

Kenneth and Festus.


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

even your comments are funny!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dearest shea . . .you are such a blessing to me. If you knew the pain I was in right now, you would understand just how MUCH your comments make my spirit feel better and I laugh too. Im so thankful for you being in my life as my friend, and cherished follower. Wow, did I say all of that???

Yes, and I am not taking it back.

Thanks sincerely,

Kenneth


April Reynolds profile image

April Reynolds 4 years ago from Arizona

I love your hub kenneth. Unfortunately, here in the city, most of my tickets have been received in the mail after having my picture taken by a camera. No way to smile and flutter my way out of it! Of course, can't get myself into more trouble either. Hope you are doing well tonight!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

May 21, 11:43 a.m., CDST

Dear April,

I never thougth about that new way of ticketing people via cameras. Hey, you would give the camera a "showgirl smile," and maybe that would help or have your attorney claim that the camera was not that accurate.

Today, yesterday and Saturday, well honestly all last week, my ankles and feet are swelled and now a color red and purple and its just the Fibromyalgia and Neurothopy trying to make me run. Not gonna happen.

Thanks, April, dear friend, for your lively comment. Please come back often.

Kenneth///and I hope YOU are doing good today too.


April Reynolds profile image

April Reynolds 4 years ago from Arizona

nah, they sent me the picture in the mail and it was amazingly and clearly me, it was even one of my better pictures. :)

Although I must say, I grew up in a small town and was pulled over speeding and given a warning only to have the cop pull my dad over the next day to make sure he knew I had been stopped.

Another time I was pulled over and just given a warning, the cop stopped in at my job and just happened to mention it to my boss! So there are disadvantages to that too.

Hang in there Kenneth, I am sorry you are in so much pain but glad to hear it won't get you down!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear April,

Thank you so much for the comment. I loved it. I live in a small town, Hamilton, Alabama, in nortwest Alabama and its like the Mayberry town on the old Andy Griffith Show. We all know our cops, they know us. And you really have be doing something really bad before they take the trouble to ticket you. They'd rather be easy going and get along with the citizens.

I guess that's okay. I think theres a hub in there somewhere . . ."Signs Your Town Doesn't Have a Good Police Force," and if you want this one, go for it. Just let me know.

Your Friend,

Kenneth

PS: today Im hurting in my upper-body but Im concerned about my feet and ankles swelled up and turning red and purple. And walking is like walking on razor blades. Thanks for your concern.

Im a stubborn-willed person and that helps. Pain can only do what you allow it to do.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada

Kenneth,

I have also found out that after being pulled over on an empty road, in the middle of the night, for excessive speed, they frown on you saying that, "You are trying to keep up with the flow of traffic."

Excellent tips Kenneth! I am sad to read of your health concerns (immediately above) ...take care my friend!

Thanks,

Thomas


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

This reminds me of the time when my friend was slightly enebriated and said to the police officer, 'sorry occifer, hiccup, I wasn't really drinking and wandering across the road, hiccup, can I play with your trundgeon! then she ran off with his hat! lol! seriously and totally true! we couldn't stop laughing, mind you we were all seventeen!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Thomas, thanks, buddy, for your uplifting comments that send waves of happiness throughout my brain and heart. Talk about a "jump-start." And as for my physical state, I am not worried. My broken body will soon return to the soil from which it came. The quicker I accepted that, the easier it got for me to sleep nights.

Thanks again!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Nell Rose,

where have you and ThoughtSandwiches been for so long, investigating new hub subjects? I have missed you Nell and Thomas, very much.

And Nell, thanks for such a humorous story. Ahhh, yes. Seventeen. "The age." Oh how I wish I were seventeen, no, make that "27" one more time.

My 17th year was actually uneventful. Mostly opaque. Nell, Thomas, don't be strangers.

Kenneth


Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

Jo_Goldsmith11 4 years ago

OMG!! I loved everyone of the 10 you mentioned. I use to have a T-shirt that read.."Excuse me officer, have you been eating donuts? Your eyes look glazed! "

"I wasn't speeding, all the cars in front of me were"!

Voted up and shared...really cool. Thanks for the advice. :)


Angela Brummer profile image

Angela Brummer 4 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

This is so funny! Great hub! I will share!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Jo,

Thank you, dear friend, for the warm comment. Do you have an extra t-shirt with that message on it? I would love to have one. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on this hub that I hope no police officers (with no sense of humor) notice this.

Thanks again, Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Angela,

you are way too kind to me, but thank you for your comment and sharing this. I just hope that I can afford a lawyer in case a retired cop reads this and gets angry.

You and Jo have a great Wednesday!

Kenneth, a Proud American


Julie DeNeen profile image

Julie DeNeen 4 years ago from Clinton CT

Once I moved a piece of evidence at a crime scene (just trying to keep things clutter free!) and the policeman yelled at me. I started to argue with him until my husband pinched my butt and whispered not so nicely, "Julie- do you realize YOU are not in charge?!" Yeah, I have problems with that sometimes (rolling my eyes). Great hub!! And by the way, thanks for the encouraging fanmail! Happy to meet you! :)


adjkp25 profile image

adjkp25 4 years ago from Northern California

When I was a teenager a buddy of mine got us both in trouble with the cops.

We stopped at a 7-11 to get some coffee. My other buddy went in while we waited in the car. A robbery happened a few hours earlier, down the street, and my red car matched that description so the cops pulled in behind us and shined their spot light into my car. My brain dead buddy jumped out of the car and asked the cops what the problem was. Being asked to come out of your car at gunpoint is not a pleasant experience. We didn't fit the profile of the robbers so we were free to leave but not after a stern talking to from the officers.

It is not always what you say that can be a bad thing but your actions too.

Voted up and funny.


TheHoleStory profile image

TheHoleStory 4 years ago from Parsons, West Virginia

I stopped at your hub, because I thought I was going to learn how to respond to a cop. However I can see that your hub is a lot like some of mine, and I salute you for that. Thanks for the laugh. I'm giving this hub the thumbs up!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Julie . . .Thank YOU so MUCH for your nice comment. I have that same problem, or used to, for I like you, have been reminded by friends too many times, "this is not about YOU," so I chose to be peacefully-obscure and not in the spotlight. And it IS MY PLEAURE AND HONOR TO MEET YOU ALSO. Keep in touch.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, adjkp,

And I thank you also for sharing your edgy-experience with the police. Although they, the cops, were wrong about you and your buddy, a stern talking to was NOT the proper procedure. A humble, "we are sorry. Now be careful," would have been a lot better.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

The Hole Story,

I apologize if my hub disappointed you. I was halfway being funny and truthful at the same time. What are your hubs like? And why not become one of my followers so I can keep up with you? I always need more followers to share ideas with me and to give me valuable writing tips.

Thanks again!

Kenneth


rajan jolly profile image

rajan jolly 4 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

Very interesting and useful tips. The cops in my country are a law unto themselves unfortunately, and most of them are so sullen faced when they pull you up for a wrong, you know a big ticket is just waiting.

Voted up, useful, awesome and interesting.

Shared this hub.


articlesocean profile image

articlesocean 4 years ago from London, United Kingdom

I agree with you Rajan Jolly, It's the same with my counrty too, I never actually want to even walk pass a cop. Cops in london I usually walk pass saying Good moringing or a nice message!

Kenneth, I liked your hub, I'd like to follow you :) Voted up !


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, rajan jolly - - -so sorry that your police officers are like that. If I were you, I would just drive extra-slow and always show respect for the cops. They appreciate people who keep the law.

Okay?

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear articlesocean,

thank you for your comment also. And to you too, I am so sorry that your officers are like this. Just smile at them and be nice. That never fails to work.

And YES, YOU CAN FOLLOW ME. Just go to my profile page and click FOLLOW and I will send you a personal note of thanks in a few days.

Thanks again!!!!

KENNETH


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

I'm pretty sure that the last picture is the still from a girl on girl porno :-)

I used to smart off to cops, so badly. I used to get a lot of tickets, too. Also, don't file a complaint about an officer before your court date...


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey now, PDXKaraokeGuy . . .the source wasn't revealed. I forgot, honest, the website, but it WAS a decent collection of police photos. And you are right to not smart off to cops or complain before a court date. But what YOU can do, if you lose to a cop in court, smile and take him or her to lunch. This will cause such a searing warfare in his or her conscience that he or she will always doubt if they were right or wrong . . .BUT DON'T GET A TICKET TO PROVE IT.

Kenneth


carrie Lee Night profile image

carrie Lee Night 4 years ago from Northeast United States

Kenneth avery: Interesting article. Have been stopped a few times and just keep my mouth shut and cooperate fully. If I get a ticket and believe whole heartly that it was not justified, I won't argue with the police officer, I would accept the ticket and challenge it in court, because that is where you need to fight it, not on the side of the road with a cop who may be having a bad day, he or she could always add extra charges. I also keep in mind cops are people too. Thank you for this article. :)


SommerDalton profile image

SommerDalton 4 years ago

Your hubs are always great! Made me laugh and very useful :) Thumbs up as always!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Carrie,

You are right. I should have noted your advice in challenging tickets in court, not on the medium.

Thanks again and keep in touch.

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Sommer,

Thank you from my heart, for your kind remarks. I savor each of my follower's comments. They help me cope with real life, if you can believe that.

And to say to you, "you, my friend, bless me each time I see your comment on a hub of mine. I am thankful to OUR GOD that something I wrote made you laugh and be happy. I am totally-serious."

Visit with me anytime.

KENNETH


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 4 years ago

Funny, but also very helpful in watching how you handle this situation. It is always amusing how some people handle a stop by a policeman when they know they are guilty. Great hub!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, Teaches, so right. I always thought how it would be if a person simply jumped from the car with license and registration in hand and with a smile say, "I am not going to argue with you, sir. I was going 80 in a 55 zone. I know. My left taillight is out. Gonna fix that this evening and yes, I have had three beers. Where is your breath analyzer and may I sit in the front of your cruiser?"

The officer would faint from such honesty.

KENNETH


jhl002 4 years ago

Very helpful and entertaining.Good job!!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, jhl002,

Thank you a million for this great compliment. I appreciate it. Very much and I cordially invite YOU to be my follower. That way we could share hub ideas and creative notions. Deal?


taiwokareem profile image

taiwokareem 2 years ago from Salford

Haha. You wouldn't dare to say that in my home country even if you were Obama's child. Nice use of humour Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, taiwokareem,

Thank you for laughing at this list of things that if you say them to a cop, will get you locked-up.

And I have to agree. Even president Obama doesn't get executive privilege everywhere he goes.

Hey, thanks for stopping by.

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