Race Hustlers

Should you prefer your cars interminably turning left at relatively high speed, NASCAR might be a fun way to fritter away a Saturday. Plan for additional frittering on Friday and Sunday as you and thousands of your closest friends participate in traffic jams approaching the venue.

Don't worry about who's winning: you can't tell. Simply sit back and admire the shiny vehicles that all look almost but not completely exactly alike. Those headlights are decals. Be alert for flying debris as drivers exceed their talent on the pace laps. Argue the subtleties of restrictor plates with a Fortune 500 executive wearing a Richard Petty tank top and flip-flops.

American culture includes announcing your allegiance via hat-mounted billboards. None of us ventures into the real world of sports viewing without properly fitted headgear. Find a hat amenable to your favorite driver. Look for team colors and sponsor logos unique to you and millions of other racing aficionados.

Hats become sweaty and disgusting when you stand under them for an entire race including crashes and national anthems by American Idol runner-ups. Perspiration stains are not stylish, except at Bristol. Be sure to stock up on several hats in case you get invited to an infield wedding.

NASCAR drivers wear form-fitted nomex suits because, well, they are belted into cars that run on gasoline and tend to crash into each other with monotonous regularity. Fire-proof fashion is expected. You, as a bystander, can order similar gear to avoid unfortunate grilling accidents during yellow flags.

Swathe yourself in flame-retardant fabrics festooned with margarine logos and beer decals. No one wants to unexpectedly ignite. You just might get pulled from the stands to serve as a tire tech or the guy that sweeps up after pit crew parties. We all have to start somewhere.

A Hot Wheels car will probably never win Daytona, but you can own one for less than the price of a HANS device. Stock up on toy cars decorated with the sponsors of your favorite driver. Take them to races but don't take them out of the packaging because they will be worth less when you bequeath them to your posse.

Look for model cars from all the popular drivers. Every racing team is represented in miniature form. These keepsakes are perfect Mother's Day gifts.

Someone will look at your feet. Do you want them to see NASCAR or generic footwear? Broadcast your fealty via fashions endorsed by guys who wear fireproof shoes for a living. Stride confidently from the concession stand to the bleachers, knowing that ESPN cameras will not be disappointed when focused on your lower extremities. Look for yourself on Sports Center.

Securing an autograph during their work day could be problematic, given that they are traveling in a circle at over 150 miles per hour. You'll probably be arrested if you bother them in their trailers before the race. After the contest they are whisked away in specially engineered golf carts to extremely expensive private jets with free food and sponsors.

Fear not: you can purchase autographs online via auction sites such as eBay. Enterprising entrepreneurs somehow obtain authentic signatures from real NASCAR participants. Perhaps these resellers get invited to grill-outs in the gated communities inhabited by drivers. We can only speculate.

Stock car racing and umbrellas go together because when it rains they stop the race. Fans need something under which to stand as jet-powered dryers trundle back and forth to prepare the track. Look for an umbrella festooned with beer, snacks, and life insurance logos.

Your favorite driver may walk over and share it with you because they are very accessible athletes who greatly enjoy sharing umbrellas with fans and they sometimes get locked out of their trailers. They appreciate the wonderful blessings of their chosen vocation and would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship between themselves and their adoring fans.

NASCAR cars are not street legal, despite the phrase "Stock Car" embedded in the name of the organization. You won't see Denny Hamlin or Dale Jr. driving himself home after a race. They would be able to outrun the local police, but if they had to turn right...

Anyway, your personal vehicle can be adorned with NASCAR-licensed accountrement such as seat covers and little foam balls stuck onto the radio antenna. Look for items reminiscent of your favorite driver and sponsor. A seat cover will make you feel like a real driver. Everyone in the McDonald's drive-through will be jealous.