Suzuki's 2008 1300 And 1800 Deformed Emetogenic Mutants

The M109R is dressed up in Halloween colors to make no secret of the fact that it's really scary!
The M109R is dressed up in Halloween colors to make no secret of the fact that it's really scary!
This B-King Whopper is just like the burger. They both make you lose the will to live.
This B-King Whopper is just like the burger. They both make you lose the will to live.

Onwards to depths of revulsion never plumbed before...

If anyone had doubts that Suzuki stylists get paid in hallucinogens, the 2008 model line proves it once and for all. These motorcycles aren't just ugly: they're repulsive! These aren't motorcycles, they're props from Alien! Posters of these bikes will be put up in E.R.s everywhere to induce vomiting!

Let's start with the hideously repugnant model before we graduate to the "I wanna pull my eyes out of their sockets" one. The 2008 Suzuki Boulevard M109R is what happened when Dr. Emory Erickson, the creator of the Star Trek Transporter, cross circuited his transport buffers between a Suzuki C109R and a Hayabusa, resulting in a half human, half insect cross that even the hungriest spider wouldn't eat.

What is this thing? Even Suzuki's own PR materials can't make heads or tails of it.

When it comes to wrapping that performance package in cruiser styling, a picture is worth a thousand words. Check out its sleek, flowing lines and GSX-R inspired styling touches, and you'll realize that the Boulevard M109R is in a class of its own.

This is just like Ferrari announcing that the new Enzo II is inspired by the Peterbilt Model 389 Unibilt Cab Sleeper! A cruiser is one thing and a sports bike is another, you braindead nincompoops! Are you that desperate to sell a bike that you're throwing all the spaghetti against the wall and hoping some will actually stick? Who is going to buy a 703 lb (dry) sportsbike? Dr. Valentino Bigfoot?

There is one thing I do like about the M109R. It has a radical 240/40R18 on the back, so if we stripped off absolutely everything except the basic drivetrain, the frame and the rear wheel, we'd have a killer starting point for a monster metric chopper. Other than that, it's nothing but a huge pile of metallic hype.

Now, it's time to pull my eyes out. The 2008 Suzuki GSX1300BK is actually formally referred to as the B-King by Suzuki itself, and it shares many similarities with the omnipresent burger emporium's fare: It is completely tasteless, has no real value, and just one look at it will make you sick.

The idea of giving a naked Hayabusa to the 16 year old mama's boys who will wrap themselves around a tree at 170 mph by nightfall is not all that bad. After all, we must do everything possible to promote survival of the fittest and with Hayabusa riders being in the highest echelon of the Darwin Awards, this can add a whole new dimension to the "stupid teenagers being dragged to the morgue in a bucket" brigade. But there is absolutely no excuse for the styling! What is that dual tone scoop-shelf thing on the side of the tank? That phallic muffler sticking out the rider's butt? That B-movie space helmet headlight? Could they possibly have made this aberration any more emetogenic? (Look that up in your Funk & Wagnall's!)

I dare... no, I double dare, any rabid, blind, and thoroughly demented Suzuki fanboi to defend the looks of either one of these deformed mutants.

Bring it on, boys!

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Comments 10 comments

Jyle Dupuis profile image

Jyle Dupuis 9 years ago from Henrico, Virginia

I'd have to agree with you there. I like the "old-school" look.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 9 years ago from Toronto Author

Well, it's classic and flows logically. It's a let form follow function philosophy that results in a harmonious aesthetic. I dunno if anyone can possibly say that about the BurgerKing! :)


Captain Ron 9 years ago

You are obviously not a motorcycle rider, and if you are then you have no taste of your own for unique styling. I wouldnt be surprised if you are this whiny about everything else that you dont like. If you like to buy common, look like everyone else bikes then go ahead. These are for people who have unique tastes and styles.


Guzano 9 years ago

Hal:

I agree to disagree.


kezz 8 years ago

Get a life you moron.If the M109R is such a repulsive bike,then how come people have to wait such a long time before taking delivery of a new machine.The sales figures alone should tell YOU that Suzuki is a winner with this machine.Until recently,I was a sports bike rider(IS THAT OK WITH YOU)Z900,Z1300& Rickman CR900(I suppose you can find something wrong with those bikes as well)I put down a deposit on a new 2008 M109R yesterday.The reason I bought The M109R,is because there isn,t another bike out there that comes close to it.On a final note,if you think the M109R is so bad,go personally tell all the M109R riders.


Kezz 8 years ago

Hi there again.I must say I agree with you on the B king,it really is a hidious piece of crap.But the M109R,really is a nice bike.Why you don,t like it is beyond me.If you are a traditionalist,I can understand your dislike of any thing not old school.I like the bikes of yester year,but time goes on,and so must the evolution of the bike and car.Had Harley Davidson had built the M109R, would you be so critical of it.HD do build nice bikes,but they have to move on,as should the rest of the motor cycle manufacturers.Finally,sport bikes and cruisers can be mixed.You have proven that with your mix of narrow mindedness and undieing stupidity.Later.


Philly 7 years ago

It is simply a matter of taste rather like saying that red cars are better than blue cars. There are so many people riding and buying motorcycles that no matter what a company designs, someone will love it....need proof?...Harley V-rod....need I say more?


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Check out my Hubs on the 100 Ugliest Motorcycles. You'll find plenty of discussion there! :)


Dan Droid 7 years ago

What is the point of the florescent green paint on the Kawasaki sportbikes? What is the point of the wacked out graphics on full-faced helmets? The same thing the M109r and B-King are for: Making sure you're seen! How many people own a B-King? Not many, which mean if you're on one you won't be missed even by the ditz coming out of the side street doing her make-up, drinking her coffee, eating her McMuffin, while typing a text message and steering with her knees.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

That is the most whacked theory I've heard in three decades of motorcycling! You definitely win the Imagination Award. Now "stay away from the brown acid, man..." :)

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