The Leather Air Freshener In My Car

 

I've always declined the "scent" when asked at the car wash. I don't think it's cool or funny to see the standard pine tree cardboard freshener hanging from your rear view mirror nor the variety that was a crown that sat on your dashboard that seemed very popular a few years back (I mean what happened? Did your dashboard eat Imperial margarine and the crown just suddenly appeared?) At any rate, I have avoided the car air freshener as much as possible however with the weather being well into the 100 degree marks here in Vegas and me keeping the windows locked up tight and air conditioner on, I decided it was time for a car scent (as it were). So when I was in one of those mega house wares store recently I decided to purchase a three pack of different scents for my car and the first one I tried almost killed me. The leather air freshener in my car - Don't Get Me Started!

I won't say the name of the company that makes the freshener directly (as I don't think legally you're supposed to, even on a blog that only one in 700 billion read) but let's just say if you put "Doodle Dandy" after it, you'll know what company I'm talking about. This company does the full line of scented candles, room sprays, electronic things you push into the wall to make it smelly in your dwelling and just about everything else you can think of that might be smelleriffic. I've had some of their products before and I've always liked them so I figured this was the safest bet when choosing a car fragrance (okay, even writing that makes me feel gross - like you'd have to go to some counter in a department store and have a very thin gay man dressed in all black - who plucked his eyebrows within an inch of their lives - spray a sample of the fragrance on a small slip of paper and then try to make you smell coffee beans to "cleanse your nose palate" before giving you the next "fragrance to smell").

At any rate, the three smells in the package were "leather" "something piney" and "moonlight madness" or something like that - don't you love how people make up names for scents? I mean who comes up with "moonlight madness" and thinks that we'll have any idea what that might smell like? They need to get over themselves and call them what they are or at least give us some indication of what they smell like, don't you think? Or perhaps that's their way of making money, by putting these farchacta names on things so that you buy it, get it home and when it smells like Pine Sol that was poorly applied over cat urine, you throw it out and buy something else. (Per usual I digress to the point I almost forget that I had a point when I began writing.)

And so I chose the "leather" smell to give my car that smell that only Ricardo Montalban could describe as "Corinthian Leather" from the old car commercials. Now remember kids that it's well over 100 degrees here so as your car bakes in the sun like that horrible cake batter from your Easy Bake Oven from the 1970's, the smell really gets going in your vehicle. And with a Mini Cooper like I drive even cracking the slightest corner of the packaging, creates so much scent you have no idea. And so I "installed" the scent and then went into work. So I get out of work and I open the door to my car. Nothing had every prepared me for what I was about to smell.

Oh sure, it smelled like leather but really cheap leather and it was so smelly that I began to wonder if a cow hadn't crawled under one of my seats and died. Now when I say it was that cheap leather smell, I want you all to remember back to those stores in malls that sold nothing but leather goods. (No, not the ones that sold restraints and harnesses, sillies) I'm talking about the ones that sold leather jackets for like $99 or something. Do you remember those? How you'd walk in and think that it smelled pretty good but by the time you walked all the way through the store - to the back wall where all the leather trench coats were - all you could smell was that stench of what can only be described as cheap leather that was wrapped in plastic that was shipped in a box all the way from Taiwan, sat out in the heat and then had just been opened. It was so heady that you didn't know if your eyes were going to tear up or you were going to puke. Now you know how my Mini smelled.

Needless to say, the air freshener was thrown out immediately. And although it only spent a few hours in my car, apparently they make these things like that cheap old perfume called, "Windsong" - you know how they used to sing about it in that commercial, "That Windsong stays on his mind." And although two days later it has finally started to dissipate I don't mind telling you I'm a bit scared to open another one of those plastic envelopes containing the smelly cardboard card (or Anthrax - same smell, I'm thinking). Sure I want my car to smell nice but I'm thinking that "Moonlight Madness" may be just as maddening as the "leather" smell. Screw gas prices, Starbucks closing locations, what's really important is how my car smells - and doesn't smell! The leather air freshener in my car - Don't Get Me Started!

 

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Comments 3 comments

WTF 6 years ago

That's 10 minutes i'll never get back!!!!!


Wow... 6 years ago

Seriously, that was a waste of reading. And seriously, not mentioning brands isn't cool--the author of this piece is stupid, on so many levels.


2Long 6 years ago

Only LGBTs would own a mini and use pungent leather scent!

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