Top 100 Ugliest Motorcycles - 10 Bizarrobikes

1) Bimota Tesi 2D - Tesi in Italian means Thesis and I can assure you that whoever wrote that Thesis was thrown out of school on their butt. I don't even know which way this bike goes and where you sit! How do you steer it? Why does the exhaust point forward (or is that forward)? Is that fairing structure finished, or does it have panels that have yet to be fitted to it? Where are the mirrors, where are the instruments, where is the headlight? Most importantly, where is the sanity of the engineers who designed this ultimate of all bizarrobikes?

2) Buell Lightning - Yes, it took a completely crazed group of Italians to beat this revoltomachine to the Number One position among bizarrobikes, but it was close. What the Lightning lacks in sheer incoherence, it gains in massive strokes from the uglibrush. As the winner of the Top 10 Ugliest contest, please look at this motorcycle and tell me that it doesn't look like it ran into a wall at 100 mph? The forks look like they've been pushed back, and the entire leading edge of the engine bay is caved in! From the strapped on LPG canister on the undercarriage to the insipid double headlights and useless microwindshield, all the way to its architectural support beam slashing from triple clamp to swingarm, the Lightning screams UGLY! Too bad the entire Buell team wasn't hit by lightning before they drew up this mutant gargoyle from hell!

3) Bimota Tesi 3D - Rounding out the top three and scoring the majority of positions, is that merry group of psychotic lunatics at Bimota, who with the Tesi 3D create yet another engineering structural cross-section and pass it off as a finished motorcycle. What is it with this beam look that resembles a mechanical MRI? Why does the front wheel look like it came off a Lotus Seven? And what's with the scrawny tank and the wasp sting fairing and headlight? Ok, I can at least tell where you sit on this bike and which way is forwards, although if I sat my big fat butt on that Tour De France bicycle seat it would have the effect of a proctological examination. What a waste of perfectly good metal!

4) Yamaha V-Max 1700 - The triple tuning fork people took one of the ugliest motorcycles ever to disgrace the Eighties and updated it so that they can repulse riders well into the new millennium. This rolling, bulbous, misshapen, and profoundly revolting junk pile has no reason to exist outside of some fevered meth-fueled fantasy. Where the original V-Max had single hood scoops on each side, let's make it two scoops, and let's follow that theme with a siamese melted-together muffler, two giganto radiators, a kicked up rear skirt behind a sausage of a pillion seat, a 1967 Scrambler headlight, and an engine compartment mercifully blacked out to cover its sheer hideousness. Yamaha has put out some astoundingly ugly crap lately, but this one is by far the worst!

5) Triumph Speed Triple - Triumph has been running neck and neck with Yamaha, Buell, and Bimota in the race to produce the most vomit-provoking designs in motorcycle history, and its even outdone its original Rocket III with this bugeyed mutant which just escaped from the genetic manipulation laboratory. If the rest of the hodgepodge, welded-together pile of scrap metal rubbish wasn't enough, did they really have to finish it off with matte black daisy petal wheels? Uuugh!

6) Yamaha BT1100 Mastino Napoletano - Hey, Yammahahaha, whatchudoin' usin' the name of a dog from Naples on you bike? Maybe because the BT1100 fits all the requirements: It's as ugly as any mangy mutt you'll ever meet, and it shares with the famous Italian city the distinction of being buried up to its eyes in garbage. I don't know if this is a blacked out Virago fitted into a wanna-be Supermotard frame, or if it's a chance to take all the leftover bits from half a century of motorcycle building and epoxy them onto one model, but whatever it is, this is one dog that needs to be put to sleep!

7) Honda Rune - Most riders took one look at the Rune and it's price tag and Runed away as fast as they could. And can you blame them? Rip the engine from a Gold Wing and stick it in a bike that features one of the most ridiculous front forks since the Earles, exaggerated Phaeton fenders, a street lamp for a headlight, a radiator shroud from an International 4300 truck, L shaped flying buttress sidecovers, a tank so elongated that only NBA players can ride it, and a muffler so triangulated and wide-mouthed that it's an invitation for raccoons to nest inside. Price it higher than two economy cars. Then wonder if Honda really is on the road to Rune!

8) Buell RR 1000 - This early Buell may have been inspired by the hideous Ducati Paso, or maybe the nightmarish Vincent Black Knight, but whatever it was, it is one creation that should have been aborted on the drawing board. If the horrific shrouded front wheel isn't enough, why not peel the sides from a fiberglass hot tub and stretch it over the skeleton of a perfectly serviceable Harley Davidson, and then to add insult to injury, appropriate Harley's racing colors and slather them all over with an 18 inch paint roller! Buell certainly started on its path to designing repulsive motorcycles early enough!

9) Ridley Auto Glide Standard - As a low and long standard Harley-esque clone, most of the Ridley seems to be rather successful, if a bit too xerox-y. But that's not the problem with the styling of this bike, it's the completely absurd engine which features a primary cover (it is a primary on an automatic bike, right?) that looks like a chain link from the Jolly Green Giant's enduro bike that's been painted battleship gray. The exhaust header that has to convolute itself into an S-shape before it heads into overly skinny spaghetti mufflers doesn't help the look of this uglicycle much either.

10) Yamaha V-Max 1200 - Yammy scores a double in the bizarrobike category with the original V-Max, which set the original standards for completely useless oversized fake hood scoops, ridiculous microtank, triple slotted bolt on sidecovers and a V-four engine with a round coffee percolator filter stuck onto the crankcase. If there is anything to recommend the styling of the V-Max 1200 for is that at least it isn't anywhere near as repulsive as that of it's younger and larger brother, the V-Max 1700.



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Comments 44 comments

Mark on a Max 8 years ago

Now Hal,One has to question your eye for style, or is it just your hatred of the VMax in general.

The original VMAX made history by being included in the Guggenheim Museum’s ‘Art of the Motorcycle’ exhibition while still in production yet you put it on your list as one of the ugliest.

At least I have the experts at the Guggenheim on my side.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

So what? The Fiat Multipla was exhibited at the Museum of Modern Art in New York, and it's an aborted dolphin fetus. Half the stuff in the Guggenheim was painted by hyperactive six year olds throwing paintballs at canvases and producing art that's just as ugly as the Vmax which sets very high standards in BUTT UGLY! :)

sabrebIade profile image

sabrebIade 7 years ago from Pennsylvania

Okay, I realize it's no Harley, but I do kinda like the Yamaha V-Max 1700. I guess the kid in me wants to pretend those weird scoops on the sides are grenade launchers.

I have road rage issues.

earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

Yes! spot on again, these sure are ugly models. I like honda's as a rule, but I'll make an exception for the unbelievably ugly rune

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

sabreblade, you have made a great case for why riders who lust after the VMX-17 should have their drivers licenses suspended. :)

earnestshub, glad to learn that you have a well developed sense of aesthetics. You would be surprised how many people actually go to bat in defending the hideous Rune from hell! :)

affiliater profile image

affiliater 7 years ago from India

Maan, these are all awesome, in their own way - don't know, how this can be classified as ugly (that's a harsh word) - perhaps, demons would have been more appropriate... it's just that some people have a different outlook towards the bike's design and actual aesthetics - these, mate, are just beau-ti-ful.... Have you test-driven all of them ?

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

The Tesi 2D is beautiful? To who? Maybe only to some geeks who have pinups of unfinished CAD wireframes on their bedroom walls instead of Playboy foldouts! :)

kdhelmick 7 years ago

The Buell RR deserves the top prize in this category, and should own it forever more. The Ducati Paso on another hub shouldn't be listed in this way, not an ugly bike at all though it also isn't a pretty bike. The same should be said of the original VMax, though the updated version as above is hideous.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Well, we're in semi-agreement on everything except the Paso. Death to Buell RRs and VMaxes! :)

JDS1 7 years ago

The VMAX is ugly? I wonder what your wife looks like.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

She bears a striking resemblance to Jessica Alba and is a nympho to boot. How about yours? :)

Thae Man 7 years ago

As stated in an earlier post, what do you consider your top ten bikes in each category? I am just curious...

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Check the Main Hub in this series for a list of the best looking bikes, although not in EACH category. That might be the subject for another series of Hubs.

gobsmacked 7 years ago

You have to be the worst judge and least informed person to ever look at a motorcycle. I've been looking over your lists - they're absolutely pointless. Many of those bikes you're calling ugly have massive appeal.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Hey, I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there who are turned on by 600+ lb. women or Dede The Indonesian Tree Man. Whatever floats your boat. But that does not detract from the fact that UGLY is UGLY. Too bad you're either blind or a chubby/treeman chaser. :)

vipracing profile image

vipracing 7 years ago from Rimini Italia

Hi, did you have test-driven the Bimota Tesi? or have you see it for real? before make a comment about a motorcycle you should test it or at least go in the shop and look at it, tuch it and then make a comment.

The Tesi is a great motorcycle and very easy to drive.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

I've not ridden a Tesi, but I have seen it and sat on it at the Milan Fiera. It may be wonderful to ride, responsive, powerful, smooth, advanced, and anything else anyone may want to state, but the bottom line is that from an aesthetic standpoint it's an aborted armadillo fetus. :)

Big D 7 years ago

Sombody has V Max envy. What's wrong Hal, too much power for you?

Maxcruiser 7 years ago

Fisrt off, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and obviously for your comments on the Vmax 1200 and Vmax 1700 - your eyes are really bad. I mean come on, who makes you god of what is beautiful or not. The Vmax 1200 had a production run of 22 years, virtually unchanged and they sold every one of them, so I think they maybe smarter than you give them credit for.

So now, get on your scooter and ride the hell out of here - I'm sure you think it is just soooo beautiful now don't you.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Big D, I was riding superbikes when you were likely still aspiring to a Big Wheel. Too much power on the road in 2009 is not what it was in the Golden Age. The world has changed. Wake up and realize it.

Maxcruiser: The VMax 1200 is an ugly piece of crap. The VMax 1700 goes way beyond that and is enough to make any sane person want to stick red hot pokers in their eyes. If you believe that is not correct, please re-read the part where I say "sane." :)

Maxcruiser 7 years ago

So Hal, I guess your not arguing about being a scooter rider - I'm guessing a passionate pink Honda Cub 50 - Not sure why why you have such a hate on for a Vmax - maybe seeing your girlfriend leave ya for guy with one would do it.

Come on, grow up and get out opf your fantasy world in where your opinion actually means something.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

I've got a great idea, why don't you get out of the fantasy world where you are trying to make up for your shortcomings inside your jock strap by straddling a grossly overpowered and just generally gross murdercycle? Well, I guess I do see your point... you have to do SOMETHING to feel power between your legs! :)

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Keep it clean, Maxcruiser. We don't need that kind of language! :)

Big D 7 years ago

Pretty bold statement Hal, considering you know nothing about me. You are absolutly clueless about power on the road. Giddy up on your scooter.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Oh, you've hurt me and my 1956 Allstate Puch 50cc 2-speed moped to the quick! Meanie! I hope you're happy now. My scooter is crying crankcase oil because of you. BWAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa... :)

Dick Gaziniya 7 years ago

Um Hal,

The Closet just called, they said it's time for you to come out..............

We are Many, We are Vmax.............and their ain't chit you can type to Stop us!!!

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

I fail to see the homosexual reference unless you're referring to your own preferences and in that case, I would respectfully ask you to keep them out of this discussion as they are irrelevant. If you're trying to sell me gay porn pix of you and your buddies doing it on a VMax, kindly spare me. :)

You may be many, but you're all disturbed if you think that the VMax 1700 is a) beautiful, b) relevant, c) anything other than an overpowered penis extension that should be banned from public roads NOW.





rafter 7 years ago

I like every bike on your ugly list, I guess we just have different taste. I really don't think any well maintained motorcycles are ugly. I have seen a few cars that I don't think should have ever been built.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Well, we'll just agree to disagree. Would you like my optometrist's phone number? :)

Lah Onicil 7 years ago

You could post your shrinks number so we can tell him to double your meds

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

I already used my name backwards on a much earlier Hub. Try to be more original. Either that or just admit that your intellect equals your taste for motorcycles: both zero! :)

Fisher2008 profile image

Fisher2008 7 years ago from U.S.

In fact, I think some of them are very cool.

Ugly? Maybe not.

Lah Onicil 7 years ago

Hal Licino says:9 hours ago

"I already used my name backwards on a much earlier Hub"

Like one stumbling on your attention seeking blog would know such drivel...

This statement speaks volumes of who you are & the associated maturity level of an attention seeking jerk with no life of his own. Next will be supercars or any other popular debate that gets Hal noticed.. Pathetic


Sickko 7 years ago

Hal is your bike really a scooter???? After reading this stuff I think people have too much time on their hands and and should help out in the soup kitchen for the homeless. No matter if we are talking 50 cc or 1700 cc were all riding on the roads together, this is America if you dont like it there other places to ride and not be threatened by a vmax, buell or any other bike these. Hal your new nick name is The Bike Nazzi.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Fisher2008: Yeah, cool in a real sophisticated, pants up to under your nipples, oversized hornrimmed glasses Urkel sort of way! :)

Idiot Using My Name Backwards: You sound like a VMax rider... oh I'm soooooooooo sorry! Did Uncle Hal insult your little bikey bike? Oh... poor baby! Just because the VMX17 is a repugnant malodorous pile of maggot infested dog dreck which should never have been produced and the majority of its riders are a bunch of antisocial yob wankers addicted to high school parking lot burnouts inbetween dealing drugs and knocking over 7-11s doesn't mean that Uncle Hal doesn't want to treat you fairly. I'll make sure that there is an orange jumpsuit just your size for when you're on the chain gang and I'll reserve an extra large moldy tomato to hit you in the head as I ride by!

Now go read:

Or have someone read it to you. :P

Sickko: Nah, better yet, we should all ride Hayabusas! 200 mph on the streets! Then we can go do a few lines of blow and have sex with some underage girls! Freedom! This is America! Tell me, did your mother have any kids that lived? And learn how to spell Nazi on your way to reading this Hub:

You can read, right? :)

Lah Onicil 7 years ago

Sorry to disappoint you Hal. I don't own a motorcycle. I was directed here by one that does. He simply said "you have to read this morons post about the 10 ugliest bikes"

After arriving here, it quickly became apparent ehat an attention whore you are. Do anything, say anything for the attention you never got as a child.. So sad for you.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

See? Isn't it wonderful? We are sensitive to each other's childhood experiences. Awwwww. How nice. It must have been terrible to have been brought up in a sewer. However, that explains the smell! :)

Sickko 7 years ago

Hal, I ride cruisers, and sport bikes. Doing very good in life, no I am not the best reader or writer but that's for people like your self who work for me. I like your attitude we need more idiots like yourself in this world its what makes it go round. Your BIKE NAZZZI and sounds like your a child molester too!!!! I guess that's how you have all the right FANCY words to say (Alot of time in Jail to reads these books HUH!!!)

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Dude, when I had 63 employees working for me at my publishing company, I lost count of all the semi-illiterate dodos like you begging for an entry level job that I had thrown out of my office, some of them forcibly. Given your level of education, the only way you're doing well in life is by swallowing condoms full of heroin in Latin American airports. So why don't you do yourself and the world a favor, turn yourself in to the cops and join the orange jumpsuit rotten tomato target crowd, clown? :)

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Lah, you're banned for that SICK violent comment.

Benz B profile image

Benz B 7 years ago

awesome hub. was a great read. nicely done.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Thanks, Benz. Much appreciated! :)

MrPutio 6 years ago

I love my 1996 VMax. I point the headlight in the direction of my intention and she gets me there, fast and smooth. Be it a five mile trip or a two thousand mile adventure, she is ready to go. I really enjoy the extra horse power and it is always there when I need it. On the road if I need a few extra$$ I strip 'er down and go to race night hehe. Hasn't let me down yet.

Ugly is in the eye of the skeptic, f'n skeptics. All I ever get when I park my VMax is a crowd of people saying, "There it is, or That's the one!" Its always a crowd pleasing one bike motorcycle show for those who REALLY know bikes.!

Folks can call any bike ugly or make up a list of the f'ugliest bikes but in my world all motorcycles are beautiful just because they have two tires and a motor and someone was smart enough to put pencil to paper to sketch out their dream bike then build it.

IMO, no such thing as an ugly motorcycle. Just wondering Hal, what is your idea of The Most Beautiful Motorcycles?

100 ugliest bikes. Bah!!! No such thing. Hey, you just like to start flame wars huh? Trolling. Sorry I answered back to your comments.

Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 6 years ago from Toronto Author

Check my Hubs. I have lists of the most beautiful bikes. It's even the first thing I discuss in THIS series. Learn to read and then maybe the next thing you'll grow is a discerning eye for FUGLY POSes like the Vmax. :)

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