Top 100 Ugliest Motorcycles - 10 Bizarrobikes
1) Bimota Tesi 2D - Tesi in Italian means Thesis and I can assure you that whoever wrote that Thesis was thrown out of school on their butt. I don't even know which way this bike goes and where you sit! How do you steer it? Why does the exhaust point forward (or is that forward)? Is that fairing structure finished, or does it have panels that have yet to be fitted to it? Where are the mirrors, where are the instruments, where is the headlight? Most importantly, where is the sanity of the engineers who designed this ultimate of all bizarrobikes?
2) Buell Lightning - Yes, it took a completely crazed group of Italians to beat this revoltomachine to the Number One position among bizarrobikes, but it was close. What the Lightning lacks in sheer incoherence, it gains in massive strokes from the uglibrush. As the winner of the Top 10 Ugliest contest, please look at this motorcycle and tell me that it doesn't look like it ran into a wall at 100 mph? The forks look like they've been pushed back, and the entire leading edge of the engine bay is caved in! From the strapped on LPG canister on the undercarriage to the insipid double headlights and useless microwindshield, all the way to its architectural support beam slashing from triple clamp to swingarm, the Lightning screams UGLY! Too bad the entire Buell team wasn't hit by lightning before they drew up this mutant gargoyle from hell!
3) Bimota Tesi 3D - Rounding out the top three and scoring the majority of positions, is that merry group of psychotic lunatics at Bimota, who with the Tesi 3D create yet another engineering structural cross-section and pass it off as a finished motorcycle. What is it with this beam look that resembles a mechanical MRI? Why does the front wheel look like it came off a Lotus Seven? And what's with the scrawny tank and the wasp sting fairing and headlight? Ok, I can at least tell where you sit on this bike and which way is forwards, although if I sat my big fat butt on that Tour De France bicycle seat it would have the effect of a proctological examination. What a waste of perfectly good metal!
4) Yamaha V-Max 1700 - The triple tuning fork people took one of the ugliest motorcycles ever to disgrace the Eighties and updated it so that they can repulse riders well into the new millennium. This rolling, bulbous, misshapen, and profoundly revolting junk pile has no reason to exist outside of some fevered meth-fueled fantasy. Where the original V-Max had single hood scoops on each side, let's make it two scoops, and let's follow that theme with a siamese melted-together muffler, two giganto radiators, a kicked up rear skirt behind a sausage of a pillion seat, a 1967 Scrambler headlight, and an engine compartment mercifully blacked out to cover its sheer hideousness. Yamaha has put out some astoundingly ugly crap lately, but this one is by far the worst!
5) Triumph Speed Triple - Triumph has been running neck and neck with Yamaha, Buell, and Bimota in the race to produce the most vomit-provoking designs in motorcycle history, and its even outdone its original Rocket III with this bugeyed mutant which just escaped from the genetic manipulation laboratory. If the rest of the hodgepodge, welded-together pile of scrap metal rubbish wasn't enough, did they really have to finish it off with matte black daisy petal wheels? Uuugh!
6) Yamaha BT1100 Mastino Napoletano - Hey, Yammahahaha, whatchudoin' usin' the name of a dog from Naples on you bike? Maybe because the BT1100 fits all the requirements: It's as ugly as any mangy mutt you'll ever meet, and it shares with the famous Italian city the distinction of being buried up to its eyes in garbage. I don't know if this is a blacked out Virago fitted into a wanna-be Supermotard frame, or if it's a chance to take all the leftover bits from half a century of motorcycle building and epoxy them onto one model, but whatever it is, this is one dog that needs to be put to sleep!
7) Honda Rune - Most riders took one look at the Rune and it's price tag and Runed away as fast as they could. And can you blame them? Rip the engine from a Gold Wing and stick it in a bike that features one of the most ridiculous front forks since the Earles, exaggerated Phaeton fenders, a street lamp for a headlight, a radiator shroud from an International 4300 truck, L shaped flying buttress sidecovers, a tank so elongated that only NBA players can ride it, and a muffler so triangulated and wide-mouthed that it's an invitation for raccoons to nest inside. Price it higher than two economy cars. Then wonder if Honda really is on the road to Rune!
8) Buell RR 1000 - This early Buell may have been inspired by the hideous Ducati Paso, or maybe the nightmarish Vincent Black Knight, but whatever it was, it is one creation that should have been aborted on the drawing board. If the horrific shrouded front wheel isn't enough, why not peel the sides from a fiberglass hot tub and stretch it over the skeleton of a perfectly serviceable Harley Davidson, and then to add insult to injury, appropriate Harley's racing colors and slather them all over with an 18 inch paint roller! Buell certainly started on its path to designing repulsive motorcycles early enough!
9) Ridley Auto Glide Standard - As a low and long standard Harley-esque clone, most of the Ridley seems to be rather successful, if a bit too xerox-y. But that's not the problem with the styling of this bike, it's the completely absurd engine which features a primary cover (it is a primary on an automatic bike, right?) that looks like a chain link from the Jolly Green Giant's enduro bike that's been painted battleship gray. The exhaust header that has to convolute itself into an S-shape before it heads into overly skinny spaghetti mufflers doesn't help the look of this uglicycle much either.
10) Yamaha V-Max 1200 - Yammy scores a double in the bizarrobike category with the original V-Max, which set the original standards for completely useless oversized fake hood scoops, ridiculous microtank, triple slotted bolt on sidecovers and a V-four engine with a round coffee percolator filter stuck onto the crankcase. If there is anything to recommend the styling of the V-Max 1200 for is that at least it isn't anywhere near as repulsive as that of it's younger and larger brother, the V-Max 1700.
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