Top 100 Ugliest Motorcycles - 10 Current Cruisers
1) Yamaha Raider - I'm left speechless at the profound repulsiveness of this joke of a bike. Outside of the classic Road / Wild Star originating V-twin, every other piece on this machine is wrong in countless ways. The tiny flip up on the back of the front fender looks like it belongs on a tricycle, the fuel tank is placed way too far back leaving acres of frame exposed, and the entire rear half of the bike looks like a 750 lb. rider sat on it and scrunched it down. And there has never been an exhaust in the history of motorcycling that approached the depths of repugnance of the Raider's. If you block out everything ahead of the rear cylinder and behind the rear axle you'd be hard pressed to imagine that the mishmash of lines and angles you're looking at is a motorcycle at all! Better yet, do your eyes a favor and block out this entire revolto-cycle.
2) Hyosung Aquila - I guess I do have to forgive them a bit, as Seoul is a long way from Sturgis, but this is one helluva chrome-plated wreck on wheels. Why didn't they just save themselves some baby powder blue paint and just dip the whole damn bike in a chrome bath? From the pseudo Honda VTX headlight, to the wannabe V-Rod engine, to the Gold Wing radiator, to the Baby Rune front fender, to the horrendoscoops, to the single ugliest frame ever engineered, this is one Aquila that should be shot out of the sky.
3) Suzuki Boulevard M109R - As I stated in my earlier Hub on this Deformed Ematogenic Mutant, this is what happened when Dr. Emory Erickson, the creator of the Star Trek Transporter, cross circuited his transport buffers between a Suzuki C109R and a Hayabusa, resulting in a half human, half insect cross that even the hungriest spider wouldn't eat. This orange Halloween Horror is a complete waste of every ounce of its fat 700 pounds. The trick is on you if you buy one!
4) Harley Davidson Rocker C - Let's look at the front half first. It's pretty well standard Hawgly issue, with the front end kicked out a bit and a really bulging headlight (bring back the Sportster / Super Glide brow)! It's the rear half of this bike that completely falls apart. That form fitting rear fender is completely lopsided and doesn't even seem to fit the tire, the corrugated side cover is straight out of a Mahindra Jeep, but all of that ugliness can't possibly prepare you for that metal hand holding out a cocktail tray that is hanging off the front seat. For all of you that thought that the boattail was the ugliest thing ever hung on the back of a V-twin, my ol' bud Willie G. just outdid himself this time. An absolutely puke-inducing excuse for styling!
5) Kymco Venox - Pretty well everything that was said in the uglistakes about the Venox's compatriot, the Hyosung Aquila, can apply to this wheeled imbecility. Although they didn't splurge on the chrome budget to the extent of the Aquila, the styling is just as abhorrent, with the chrome paunch underneath the tank leading to a flatulent sidecover / fender which features a chrome blister for the rear shock! The shock is actually that this P.O.S. ever made it onto the dealership floors!
6) Ural Wolf - Everything on this bike is fairly standard Japanese cruiser an thus not really too strongly eliciting retching except when you get to the core of this Bike That Cried Wolf, the ridiculous Soviet era BMW boxer ripoff engine! Could anything look quite like this misshapen bulk with wires, doodads and whatchamacallits hanging off of it? The entire engine area looks like it belongs on one of those Chinese BMW clones. Why bother turning it into a cruiser? No self respecting American rider would be caught dead on this hunk of lupine lunacy!
7) Lifan Cruiser - It's not completely fair to just single out Lifan as it seems that there are at least several dozen Chinese manufacturers stamping out absolutely identical junkpiles. The formula is always the same: Bore out a Honda clone CB125 vertical single, stick on two sidemounted and bizarrely vertically spaced uneven exhausts, plunk on three or more headlights with brows and chrome and gimcracks, slap on a 3/4 scale Harley tank and there you have it. A bike guaranteed to make you lose your lunch!
8) Victory Kingpin - I really don't mind the oversized cylinder heads but a soon as you leave the engine bay on the Kingpin you run into a train wreck. The fender angles are more wrong than anything on this side of a Stratoliner, the exhaust should be sawed off before even venturing out of the dealership, the headlight should be set back on the VTX from where it was stolen, and the fuel tank... well... there just is no excuse for the fuel tank: a curved teardrop mess which is punified by the rest of the bulky bike. Victory, this is your defeat.
9) Harley Davidson V-Rod Muscle - Just when you thought that Harley couldn't make their lunchbag letdown V-Rod any uglier, witness the Muscle! Although the jury is still out on whether the standard edition V-Rod is more repulsive or not, the Muscle's styling does seem to do just about everything wrong. The radiator shrouds are way oversized; the squarish exhaust is awful; the rear fender is flabby; the headlight is squashed back; and the scoopy thingies are actually pop riveted to a fuel tank that is nondescript and undersized. The only Muscle this bike evokes is a gag muscle.
10) Honda VTX - Too much Rune, not enough Cruiser. The massively ugly fenders need to go back onto the 1930s Phaetons where they originated, and the much copied headlight needs to go back to the prop department of Flash Gordon. And when will motorcycle stylists learn that you should never ever ever droop the rear end of a fuel tank?
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