Top 100 Ugliest Motorcycles - 10 Hypermotards
1) Ducati Hypermotard - Ducati didn't invent the Hypermotard segment, but they most certainly appropriated the name and provided the ultimate in stomach-churning, puke-provoking styling to ensure that anyone who has ever viewed this bike will require years of therapy. Although I'll keep complaining about that semi-erect proboscis, the styling faults on this bike are enough to fill an encyclopaedia. Not only does the rear wheel look like it's about to fall off, and the frame looks like someone was painting a girder bridge red and ran out of paint, but that white swoopy lump on the side of the tank complete with red lollipop cross-section spike is just... just... er... BARF!
2) Triumph Tiger - Take the ugliest paint from the Kawasaki paint warehouse, stick on dual headlights with a terminal case of strabismus, spit in the face of Craig Vetter by stealing the tank to sidecover swoop off the legendary original Triumph Hurricane, and then don't forget to hire the guy who paints the helmets of the Cincinnati Bengals to finish off the bike. I just wish they had finished me off before they made me see this horrendous piece of asininity.
3) Ducati Multistrada - The Duck team gets two out of the top three in the hypermotard hyperuglystakes with this complete flub of a clunky design. Let's work our way through the grotesquery, shall we? The exhaust pipe looks like an artillery shell embedded itself in the rear, the two-step ridiculous excuse for a seat looks like they ran out of vinyl while upholstering it, and the half megaphone chain cover makes me want to sing "Winchester Cathedral"... but the piece de resistance has to be that 1950s household range oven / sideways two slice toaster that they decided to weld onto the front of the bike. Multidisgusting!
4) Benelli Tre - K Amazonas - This is a bike that truly has no reason to exist. Not only is the name as goofy as the rest of the motorcycle, but it seems that the Italian stylists really have lost the plot when they keep coming up with these revolto-machines. If you can get past the bumblebee paint job, your eyes are violated by that rear fender that looks like it belongs on a Model A street rod, the crunchy angularity of those spindly multiple frame tubes, and that headlight minifairing that looks like it came lose from its fittings and is about to fall on the front wheel. And what's with those lace disk brakes?
5) Honda Transalp - Just to show that hideous styling is not the exclusive domain of the Europeans, Honda has come out with a mutated gargoyle that is certain to have Soichiro turning in his grave. The bottom engine shroud was ugly enough in battleship gray, but did they have to melt it onto the engine like cheese? And what's with that golden-y vee on the front of the bike? Take off the graphics that look like the artist went to lunch when he was halfway through and turn your head to the side and it's a Star Trek emblem! This bike goes to repulsion where no man has gone before!
6) Yamaha TDM - Sneaking in just a micron below the Transalp in the Japanese Vile Styling Sweepstakes, the TDM combines an grunge gray T-bone steak frame with a yellow and gray swoopy lower fairing tank shroud thing that looks like it was just stolen from a 50cc mini chopper. And why does the headlight look like it's peeking out from under a sleepy eyelid?
7) Moto Guzzi Stelvio - Having ridden the Stelvio pass in the Alps, I can certainly testify that it's a breathtaking road, all hairpins and magnificent sights. The Moto Guzzi Stelvio is something like that... except that you want to stick the hairpins in your eyes so you can get rid of your sight. This aberrant blunder is two completely different motorcycles: The top part is some Chinese designer's body for a tiny 50 cc pocket sportbike, while the bottom is direct from the Ingersoll-Rand Air Compressor catalog, with an engine side shroud from a Briggs & Stratton generator. Heaven help us Italians...
8) Honda Varadero - While the Transalp is a flying wedge Star Trek emblem, the Varadero has to be some weird kind of caped superhero. Just look at how the sides of the fairing hunker up like shoulders and the headlight forms a permanent "Batman scowl under the cowl." However, as a motorcycle, it's an abject styling failure, with its incredibly obese fuel tank, fatuous rear fender and bovine bottom engine shroud. What a mess!
9) Moto Morini Granpasso - Gran Passo means Great Pass, and that's exactly what you should do if you're blind enough to want to purchase it! Could the Morini stylists possibly have put in any other discordant angle on one sorry motorcycle? Everything from the rim of the tires up deserves to go into a shredder, especially that girderish frame sticking out from beneath a tank that seems like they ran out of metal, and that front end of the fairing that defies any coherent description other than U - G - L - Y !!!
10) Kawasaki Versys - How is it possible that the same manufacturer that was able to design the original Z1 New York Steak, a motorcycle with lines so classic that it looks just as good today as it did in its premiere almost four decades ago, can be responsible for this pathetic Green Goblin with a puckered headlight, chopstick rear frame, proctology monoshock, spaghetti exhausts, and enough shrouds and mismatching engine covers to build a Puff The Magic Dragon Scooter?
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