. . . So I Got This New Job and On The First Day, Here is What I Thought
Sometimes it happens.
I really thought I had struck the mother lode of jobs. Yeah, my "ship had finally come in," after wasted years of dead-end jobs, frustration, and being used by greedy managers. Oh, how happy I was when I knew that on "that" certain, memorable day, "my time had come."
And although I was a man, I sat down on a park bench and wept. And wept. True happiness had finally found me, unknown, average, obscure me. I was totally without words. Mute. Was I dreaming? Were the higher-level of angels giving me revelations of a new life? No. This was it. The job that I had prayed for and sought for years.
Once in a lifetime, a great job shows-up.
What was more than amazing was the truth about this job. It was the easiest, most-rewarding, and fulfilling occupation ever to materialize in the mechanized, shrewd schemes of smarter men. Now it was mine. All mine. To make as much money as I wanted, not just work for the pleasure of it and give my money to the hungry and naked. Either way, "I" would hold the winning hand.
So with my shower being finished and dressing in my work uniform, I set sight on making my first day at my "dream work," to be impressive, amazing, and awe-striking to those who lay along the sidewalk next to my workplace and lie about their poverty only to "hook" another dollar from some unsuspecting idiot.
By now you know that I cannot mention my workplace due to certain policies laid down by my editors of HubPages, for they frown on a piece being too commercial, so I will just say that my job-of-jobs was working at a fine restaurant whose name rhymes with "Penny's," and leave it at that.
Welcome to my thoughts . . .
I stepped onto the dining floor to get the order of my first table of customers, and with each step, I would have a rattling thought. Then more rattling thoughts. I couldn't stop them. I tried with all of the force a male is born with, but the thoughts came on like a raging waterfall in western Wyoming.
Would you like to know what these rattling thoughts were?
Fine. Here they are. Mostly.
(WELCOME TO MY THOUGHTS ON MY FIRST DAY AT "PENNY'S"):
- "Oh, no. Why are these customers suddenly frowning at me? I am not wearing any patches that are "anti" anything."
- "Oops, why did I trip like a drunken jackass?"
- "Now the customers are laughing like an epidemic just hit them."
- "No buffet. It figures. The dad is wearing his finest three-piece suit and the mom is dressed in a long, formal-like gown. Yep. These have to be socialites."
- "Chicken-fried steak with white gravy. Yukkk! Cheeseburger for the kids. Light salad for the lady. For upper-class, these people eat like ditch diggers on a holiday."
- "Stupid cook! Why can't he understand plain English? My order read "chicken-fried steak, not (a) chicken frying a steak. Idiot."
- "Time for a break. Uhhh, nowhere to take a break like a normal restaurant? This is not a prison chow hut."
- "Ahhh, my order is ready. Now to impress the life out of those socialites. I need to get a big tip to put away in savings. Why are the noses of the adults now turning upwards? I thought that I smiled like an oppossum who'd been caught eating persimmons."
- "Oh, wow. Another table for me to serve. Great! Just one customer. A woman who resembles an unmarried school teacher in her 50's."
- "A bowl of pea soup, side order of steak, and pie of the day. Yep. She's hunting for a man with that meal she will lose weight."
- "Oops, stumbled again. That drunken jackass is really on my trail."
- "I am not a buffoon, you jerk! Some customers come here after drinking heavily and want to be served as if they were civilized people. Coffee? Yes. Right away. And I will bring it by the gallon just for you."
- "What on earth, a rat? A rat just ran underneath the buffet table! Shhhh. Nothing to anyone. I need this job if I am to survive in the big city."
- "Maybe the rat is a big tipper. Silly thought. Well, he was big enough to sit in a booth."
- "The boss! Got to look busy. Hey, someone left their purse. I will . . .sorry, ma'am. I didn't know. Hey, be quiet. I was not trying to steal from you."
- "No, sir. I am not a thief. I was trying to help this customer. Okay, I will give her a hundred-dollars to keep her from suing."
- "Rats, stupid white gravy on the front of my pants. Customers will think I have been having sex in the storeroom."
- "Oh, thank you. ma'am. I am glad that you like the meal. Oh, I am single, but, uhh, errr, I don't think I am your type. Whaaaattttt? No, ma'am! I was not making inappropriate advances toward you. I am sorry. No, ma'am, you are attractive enough, and if you were younger . . .uh, oh, no, ma'am, I am not saying you are old. Hey, put that knife down!"
- "Thank God another table of customers. Oh, you would like to see a menu? Okay. Right away. Whewww. Finally. Some sensible customers. This is more like it. Uhhh, ohhh! There's that rat again and he's trying to sneak out without paying."
- "Here's your order and the fried chicken for dad, meatloaf for mom and a child's plate for the children who are so very cute if I may say so. Hey, no throwing butter at your waiter."
- "Why are you customers wearing those . . .(gulp, gasp) ski masks? Huh?"
- "Lay down in the floor? But it's covered in old grease . . .(Gag! Gasp!) . . .okay. You will kill me if I don't."
- "I can't believe it. I tackled the armed robbers. I might get a big raise out of this!"
(A WEEK LATER)
- "Doggone it. Got to see the manager. He's probably going to give me that hefty raise."
- "Sir, who are these guys?"
- "Two new employees? They look like the two robbers I captured last week."
- "Whattt? I am going to have to train them to work HERE? Why?"
(A THOUGHT FROM THE BOSS)
"The judge thought that them working here would really teach them a lesson for robbing low-end restaurants."
It's okay to cry and watch this video at the same time.
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