10 Hot Jobs in the Coming Apocalypse

10 Hot Jobs in the Coming Apocalypse

The world may have not ended end in 2012 when the Mayan Calendar expired. The world may come crashing down when global warming pushes average global temperatures past the tipping point, or global cooling makes us all very very chilly.

Pick your poison: we're all gonna witness the end of the world as we know it. We may not feel as fine about it as Michael Stipe, Peter Buck, Mike Mills, and Bill Berry, but most of us will need to find new jobs.

Job searches by city will become problematic when the coming apocalypse erases logical boundaries. You might be able to log on to Monster.com, but don't bother filtering your search results by "New York" because, as we all know, major cities are always the first places devastated by apocalyptic escapades.

Here are 10 Hot Jobs in the Coming Apocalypse:

  1. Ointment Spreader: radiation burns as well as traditional cuts and abrasions will cause major skin problems in much of the surviving population.
  2. Videographer: someone will have to record the attempts to rebuild civilization.
  3. iPod Repair: those things are always breaking.
  4. Summer Camp Counselor: we'll need some place to send the kids while we rebuild civilization.
  5. HubPages Forums Editor: we'll need to keep the conservatives in check.
  6. Spikey Shoulder Pad and Leather Vest Repair: Apocalyptic denizens always struggle with their outfits.
  7. Tivo Tech Support: Rebuilding civilization often requires us to miss our favorite shows.
  8. Telephone Sanitizer: no one wants to survive the apocalypse and then die from a virulent telephone.
  9. White Castle Counter Staff: Those places are open 24 hours a day and people are always calling in sick on Monday mornings; imagine the attrition rate after an apocalypse.
  10. Valet for Hal Licino: Regardless of rampant pestilence and overwhelming hopelessness, Mr Licino will be taking his coffee on the lanai.

A high-quality image that is also original. Really.

Job Hunting Tips

Use our 10 Hot Jobs in the Coming Apocalypse as a guide for employment opportunities following the end of modern civilization. Here are additional helpful tips for landing that dream job:

  • Don't be upset if an employment agency doesn't return your calls. These folks will be just as busy defending their gasoline and water supplies from roving bands of spikey-shouldered scavengers are you are.
  • Be prepared to relocate. It's hard to secure gainful employment if your city of residence is a smoking crater.
  • The IT field is always growing, but few government grants may be available immediately after society collapses upon itself.
  • Print your resume on fire-proof paper, but avoid pastel colors and garish stationary. Professionalism is the order of the day.
  • Be creative when filling in gaps in your employment history. If you saved your enclave from Mad Max wannabes, use that as a selling point to emphasize your organizational skills and aggressiveness.

Job Keeping Tips

Once you've landed that apocalyptic employment, work hard to hang on to it. Attrition will be a huge problem: zombies, sinkholes, and rampant cable TV outages will cause many well-meaning people to miss work.

Follow these few yet simple suggestions to empower your employment. Impress your boss and your boss' boss and the security guard at the main entrance.

  • Buy a speed pass. You can't depend on the toll booths to be open. No one wants to sit in line interminably until a single harried attendant can attend to all the lines.
  • Plan your route in advance. Roads may be there one day and gone the next as quarreling bands of roving murderous survival gangs wrest control from one-another. Leave early so you don't miss that big meeting.

  • Continuously retrain yourself. Specialists will always be in demand, but generalists will be more in demand. Your cubicle mates may suddenly vanish or succumb to zombie fever or simply set out for the rumored neutral zone where toilet paper is supposedly in good supply. You just might find yourself covering for the IT guy or the corporate nurse.

  • Keep your taxes up to date. IRS computers will not crash, regardless of how persistent the apocalypse might get. Hold on to every scrap of paper, every receipt, and every 1099. Donating to Goodwill will still be a great tax write-off, but you may be hard-pressed to get duplicates of your receipts when that part of town becomes a smoking crater.

A Poll, because HubPages and Google like polls

What are your employment possibilities for the upcoming apocalypse?

  • Good
  • Not so good
  • Poor
  • Nonexistent
See results without voting

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Comments 19 comments

Laura du Toit profile image

Laura du Toit 6 years ago from South Africa


Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 6 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

Ha! Good one! Heh heh.

msorensson profile image

msorensson 6 years ago

Ha ha ha.. well done.. thank you.

Tom Whitworth profile image

Tom Whitworth 6 years ago from Moundsville, WV


I heard the apocalypse was occurring in December of 2012, could we advance it before the Presidential elections to ensure Obama isn't re-elected and he would have no job going forward?

nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Tom Whitworth: We want everyone to have a job. We don't want anyone on the government dole. :)

Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas

Hey, this pretty high-brow stuff! LOL! I am hoping there will still be positions open to serve as one of Al Gore's butt-boys, catering to his every whim as he sits on his opulent water-front home front porch which is at least 10 miles closer to the shoreline than any homes that have been built in the past ten years. Someone predicted a tidal surge! Giving that some thought, do you suppose there will be any opportunities for 'hypocrities'? Good write, lots of fun! WB

DanPowers profile image

DanPowers 6 years ago from Tokyo

I think Dog Groomers will always have a job.

nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@DanPowers: Absolutely! post-apocalyptic Dogs will tend to get very scruffy. Dog groomers can look forward to job security in the coming world without rules.

TamCor profile image

TamCor 6 years ago from Ohio

You're a genius, nicomp--thank you for the heads up on which jobs we need to familiarize ourselves with!

I think I'll go with the Spikey Shoulder Pad and Leather Vest Repair-it sounds interesting, hahaha!!!

Honestly--I hate to use this cliche, but GREAT HUB! I enjoyed it, and will make sure my husband and son both read it, as they are always planning what to do when the Apolcalypse happens!!!! :)

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 6 years ago

I guess it's back to school for me!

nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@TamCor: It always pays to be prepared for the coming apocalypse.

nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@breakfastpop : Apply for a government grant. Leather vest and spiked shoulder pad repair appears to be a growth industry.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

At least someone's thinking ahead!

drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

nicomp - now that the Apocalypse is nigh.

I must be brutally frank with my reply.

Your technical avatar must go bye-bye.

As we all dissolve in the wink of an eye.

From this point on and I will be quick,

Your new avatar is Omniscient Nic.

Thanks for brightening up (?) my day! :)

nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author


If one seeks an executive coach

drbj's the one to approach.

Doc always writes nicely

and comments precisely.

Get help without fear of reproach!

RunAbstract profile image

RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 5 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

Heheheh, thanks for making me laugh. Great Hub.

Scooter 5 years ago

Very funny. You should write for Saturday Night Live.

nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Scooter : Thanks, but I don't want the pay cut.

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