Answers Not to Give During a Job Interview

So, Mr. Grubb, you like to explore abandoned factories?

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Scenes of job interviewing

"Hired? I wasn't looking for a job. I came to deliver your pastries."
"Hired? I wasn't looking for a job. I came to deliver your pastries." | Source
"Welcome to Avalanche Bank, Mr. Walker. We are glad that you chose to work for us."
"Welcome to Avalanche Bank, Mr. Walker. We are glad that you chose to work for us." | Source
"What did they do, forget me?"
"What did they do, forget me?" | Source
"The job is yours. Now to take a week off. This interviewing is stressful."
"The job is yours. Now to take a week off. This interviewing is stressful." | Source
"You do not have a company-financed Yoga program?"
"You do not have a company-financed Yoga program?" | Source

You are finally here

sitting across from the Human Resources manager anticipating the moment when he says, "You are hired," and go to work at a job you have dreamed of since high school.

Before "Mr. Standsill," the HR manager gets to talk to you, you have time to enjoy a few personal reflections of your time in high school and college--daydreaming of "this" day. And what a day it is going to be.

All of your close friends and family are planning a victory party in your honor for being hired at one of the country's most-prestigious companies. Your life is going to change for the better in a few more seconds.

Then it will be money in the bank, new cars, a fine home, nice clothes, and the respect from friends and family that you have worked to get.

Then, from the next moment on, when "Mr. Standsill," the HR manager walks in and shakes your hand, something goes terribly wrong.

  • You feel funny
  • Sweat suddenly appears in your palms
  • Your throat gets as dry as the Gobi Dessert
  • You get frightfully-dizzy
  • "Mr. Standsill," doesn't notice your sudden problems

You still have to answer his questions and pray that you do not say something asinine.

MR. STANDSILL: Okay, uhhh, Mr. Rogers, or is it, Kent? May I call you Kent? I have these few questions I need to ask you and maybe we can zip through them and you can proceed to the Personnel Office and start filling-out your paperwork. You know that "Uncle Sam," requires that paperwork Ha, Ha.

YOU: Ha, ha. Good one, Mr. Stand Still, oops, I mean Stand, uhh, up. I am so sorry. I'm so nervous. Forgive me.

MR. STANDSILL: Quite alright. I was sitting where you are a number of years ago, and like you, the nerves tried to fight me, but being an old Army man, I charged on and got the job.

YOU: You played football for Army?

MR. STANDSILL: No, Kent! The United States Army.(clears throat) Now let's get started with these questions. Oh, and Kent, think carefully how you answer. Okay. Here we go,

"Do you condone the use of, or do you personally use tobacco in any form?"

YOU: Wow, a toughie. Uhhh, well now, I cannot say that I like "condoms," but you know how wives are, haw, haw. Oh, tobacco. Uhh, well, I do not smoke those nasty cigarettes.

MR. STANDSILL: Great, Kent. Glad to know that another non-smoker will be working on my team.

YOU: Errr, now I have to be honest--the big sign on the wall says to "be honest," so I am. I do NOT smoke cigarettes, but I love to dip smokeless tobacco. And I mean every hour of the day. I wish I had a dip right now. Don't worry, Mr. Stanley, I will not be producing second-hand dope, I mean smoke.

(Mr. Standsill frowns and writes a comment down on your interview paperwork.)

MR. STANDSILL: Now then. Maybe you will do better with this one. "If you see a coworker stealing a handful of paper clips and ink pens each day, would you . . .A. turn him in B. Say nothing or C. Talk to him about it being wrong to steal from the company?


YOU: Well, that is a hard one. Hmmm. Well, I am no snitch, and if I see it, I have it on my mind. Oh, by the way, Mr. Standsill, how big is this thief?

MR. STANDSILL: What? Who? The man stealing? Oh, I guess about 180 pounds and six foot two inches tall.

YOU: Well, there you go. I wouldn't squeal on him and get my butt kicked. What am I, a fool? I would just do my work and when he sees me looking at him fill his pockets with paper clips and pens, I would wink at him and make him feel guilty. Was that a good answer?

MR. STANDSILL: Now listen, Kent. If you do not do better on the rest of these important questions, I am afraid that this interview is over.

YOU: I am really sorry, Mr. Standsick, uhhh, I have never been in a building as big as this one and it is kinda intimidating, so please bear with me.

MR. STANDSILL: Very well. Next question. "If you know that your supervisor is having an illicit affair with a female employee in your department, would you turn him in?

YOU: Well, I see this situation like this. If they are not slowing-down production, then they can have all the sex they want as long as they do not do it on the assembly line. Why are you looking so angry, Mr. Standdown?

MR. STANDSILL: Kent! Think! This adulterer is your boss and the woman is your assistant manager. How can you sit there and condone this type of bad morals in the workplace?

YOU: I already told you I do not like condoms, and if the gal is hot, well, what man wouldn't like to be a few days of hot passion and secret love? Uhh, was that a trick question?

MR. STANDSILL: Kent! How did you even get in here? I would love to know that!

YOU: Well, uhhh, I drove from home nearly to your front gate. Then my best buddy, "Alfred Newberry," who said he worked here, met me on the other side of the gate and that nice policeman in the little booth was kinda upset at me wanting to get in here, but I told him I was here to see you and he was real friendly. Well, then "Alfred," walked the rest of the way with me for he was on break and he showed me how to get to this office because he didn't want me to get lost for I am taking him home after his shift is over.

MR. STANDSILL: Kent, why did you apply for the Product Quality Manager?

YOU: Do whhhaaatt? Product Quail, Manger, uhh, Manager? No, sir. Nothing of the sort.

MR. STANDSILL: Whattt? Kent, what did you apply for?

YOU: Ohhh, I can answer this one. I was applying for your assistant!


So what if you and "Alfred" aren't friends anymore.

And this job flipping burgers at "Jim Bob's Burger Palace," you'll get the hang of it one day.


Did you ever fail a job interview?

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We are a tag-team. She types and I take out trash

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Comments 18 comments

ChristyWrites profile image

ChristyWrites 2 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Oh dear, Mr StandStill had quite the applicant on his hands here! I think it was a humorous hub and the quality of writing you have is very high. Keep writing hubs and smiling :)


angryelf profile image

angryelf 2 years ago from Tennessee

Very humorous hub! I really enjoyed it. I've followed you and will have to read some more of your stuff. I see you've got quite a few hubs; ought to be rather interesting! Nice to meet you!!

-- Krystal


jpcmc profile image

jpcmc 2 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

LOL. If this is what I have to contend with everyday I'd have to look for another job.


grand old lady profile image

grand old lady 2 years ago from Philippines

I can see Jack Black doing this role.


cygnetbrown profile image

cygnetbrown 2 years ago from Alton, Missouri

This was funny, but unfortunately, too many people are like this. Unless, of course, I am looking for a job and am NOT this type, then, well, I would imagine that I hope that all of my competition were like this guy. It betters my chances for getting the job.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

Hilarious! Every time I've gone on a job interview, I was always afraid I'd say something stupid and things would get worse as the interview went along. Luckily, it never happened.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Christy,

Thank YOU so much for the very-kind comments you left me. I appreciate these much-needed words that give me the drive to continue on HubPages.

I will always appreciate you and your words.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, angryelf/Krystal

I truly appreciate what you said on this comment section about this hub. I will do my very best to make you proud of being my follower, but I also consider you my new friend.

Thank you again.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, jpcmc,

I am in agreement with you. Interviewing people such as the one in this hub would definitely wear thin quick.

Thanks for your comment. I appreciate it.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

grandoldlady (but you are not old)

Jack Black would be ideal for this role. And Bill Murray would be perfect as "Mr. Standsill."

We should go into the movie business.

Thanks for your nice comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, cygnetbrown,

Good for you for not being "this" person in this hub, but if you are next to be interviewed after a person like this, get ready to 'hit it out of the ballpark."

Thank you for the nice comment.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Sheila,

I ask you to forgive my language, but when I interviewed for jobs years ago, I was pretty-much a butt-kisser. I didn't like it, but I would laugh at every stupid one-liner the person interviewing me would pop-off. I was so tired when I left their office I was almost nauseated.

I tried this same method on a resume where I was applying for a job in our local newspaper and one line I used that applied to how I felt about being supervised, I typed, "I am under the conviction that my boss or supervisor, man or woman, should know more than I do about the job I am given to do." And I never knew it, but my boss and friend, the paper's publisher filed it to show me later. We both had a good laugh.

I worked in the paper for 23 years.

It was the mercy of God, not that cheesy resume.

Thank you for the sweet comment.

K.


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 2 years ago from Oakley, CA

LOL--I was mostly a stay-at-home mom, until my kids were in high school, then I did work-from-home "typical mommy jobs" like Tupperware...

When I first ventured out into the real workplace I was in my 40's, and I know that I "failed" 2 interviews based on--dare I say it--age and gender discrimination.

What else do you call it when I had the requisite skills, but the person that was hired instead was a young 20-something whom the company had to pay to have trained in the needed skill set???? AND they were an outside hire, whereas I'd been already working there through a temp agency for over 2 years!

This happened twice in the same company; the other one of the hires was also a young 20 something, who had also been working as a temp--but was a male. He also had fewer computer skills than I, and had to be trained to use Excel.

I realized my father had been right all along: they want someone 20 years old with 40 years experience.

Voted up and funny.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, dear DzyMsLizzy,

I have missed you so much. Thank you for dropping in and leaving such a sensitive comment.

I am so glad that you are still one of my cherished-followers.

I appreciate you so much.

Love,

K.


Torrs13 profile image

Torrs13 2 years ago from California

What a funny hub! Thank you for giving me a good laugh this morning. I am looking forward to reading more from you!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Torrs13,

Thanks so much for your kind remark. I am so glad that I can make my followers get a good laugh than a good cry.

And thank you for the last part of your comment that you look forward to reading more of my hubs.

Thank you so much.

Your friend, KENNETH


VictoriaSheffield profile image

VictoriaSheffield 2 years ago from Georgia

This is very useful and informative information that will help someone get a good job! Great work Kenneth!


Kenneth Avery 2 years ago

Thank you, sweet Victoria, for your nice comment. I am grateful to be blessed with such a sensitive, intelligent friend and follower as yourself.

God bless you.

Kenneth

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