Did You Know That Satan Could Work For Burger King?

You all know him as one of his many names--Lucifer; Prince of Darkness; The Old Dragon; The Serpent, but his most-famous name is . . .ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and give this next character a 'warm welcome.' May I present at this time . . .your nightmare and his, Satan!

That's enough fanfare about the "ultimate bully" who causes the righteous-living on earth so much mayhem and is the all-time expert in lies, manipulation, and confusion. Yes, I am talking about the anti-hero of the Bible, Satan.

But this is not a fire and brimstone sermon, although Satan, or the Devil, may enjoy the warmth of the fire and brimstone, this story is a somewhat positive posting of a hypothetical situation that might occur someday soon in the world as we know it. Did you know that according to The Equal Opportunity Employment rules, that even Satan himself, if he qualified, could legally work in any Burger King anywhere in the free world? Bet you never let this thought lodge in your rational minds, huh? Well, I don't want to burst your bubble, but I am telling the truth.

And to the super-skeptic in our readership who are already laughing, scoffing and ridiculing me for bringing this subject to light, please allow me the pleasure to make my point in the following areas I am presenting below.

WHEN SATAN APPLIES FOR WORK AT BURGER KING - do you actually think that he would come to the restaurant dressed in his usual garb of red, flowing cape, cowl, and black leotard-type of gown? And with a trident in his hand? Who do you think Satan is? He is the ultimate master of deception and disguise. He used the characteristics of a snake in the Biblical Garden of Eden to chat with Eve, so why wouldn't he show up for his job interview at Burger King dressed to the nine's--three-piece Brooks Bros. suit, Florsheim shoes, and hair styled like a rock star? The boss, of course, would be taken-in with his magical abilities and probably give him the job of manager, but Satan in his clever-thinking would 'act' humble and want to start at the 'bottom,' for he is accustomed to the 'bottom' geographically and theologically-speaking.

WHAT JOB WOULD SATAN BE QUALIFIED FOR - personally, I believe that Satan would love to be on the line that cooks the burgers. He has a fetish for fire, so that stands to reason that he would love to be the guy who charbroils your burger. And when the boss is not looking, he merely touches the fresh ground beef patties with his hands and wham, there you have another delicious burger. And he has even saved the restaurant some money on their electric bill.

COULD SATAN BE A TEAM PLAYER - this area might be the only challenge to meet Satan at Burger King. Satan, you see, loves to be out front, a leader, and a ruler of sorts for everyone to see how good he is, but since Satan can act any way he pleases to get his way, I believe that he would put on a great act in being the best employee the restaurant ever had. Wy' Satan would win the Employee of The Month for six months running with no problem, but would be quick to give his fellow employees the credit for showing him so much and the restaurant employees being mortal and sometimes-gullible human beings, would continue to be deceived by Satan's slick mechanics and always be invited to take a break with the crew.

WHAT ABOUT CUSTOMER RELATIONS - when Satan is in charge of running the cash register? And wouldn't he be the one who's tempted to steal? Actually, no. Satan is a patient demon and is used to waiting long periods of time to get what he wants, but when a Christian and his church friends were to come to the restaurant and order their food, this might make Satan a bit edgy and ask the manager to be relieved to visit the restroom for his sudden-nausea. The boss, being deceived by his humble sick act, would of course tell Satan to go to the men's room or better, take the rest of the day off, to which Satan replies in his best fake sincere voice, "Uhh, no, sir. That wouldn't be fair to my, uh, cough, cough, fellow employees. With my very short visit to the, you know what, I, cough, cough, will be fine, sir." And the manager will wipe away the tear that has suddenly formed in his eye.

SO WHAT WOULD BE SATAN'S PURPOSE - to work at a mortal burger restaurant? Well, friends, the answer is right in front of you. Satan is known for his double-dealing and mastery of telling the right lie to the right person--in fact, Jesus, Satan's number one nemesis, said it best when He called Satan "the father of lies," so Satan's overall goal to work at a burger restaurant would be simply because another major burger restaurant chain, and we won't name any names here, has paid Satan lots of money to get himself a job at Burger King to learn how they make their burgers to taste so good and when he learns this secret, if he ever does, he is to cause confusion among the employees (one of his favorite things to do) and when the restaurant is in disarray, he simply quits and vanishes into thin air. This theory is very feasible.

BUT WHAT IS SATAN WERE TO BE PROMOTED TO MANAGER - you ask. This would be the ideal ploy for his hidden agenda. By being the restaurant manager, Satan could do pretty much what he pleases--give the pretty girl employees several days off with pay; make the employees who claim to be living as right as they can, do extra shifts for no extra pay and make them mop the entire restaurant with a dish towel on all-fours. And these are only the tip of the bonfire, I know I should have said iceberg, but that wouldn't be in my story flow concerning Satan. Oh, Satan would "suggest" and of course, get the Burger King CEO and Board of Directors' approval on changing the color and style of the Burger King uniforms. For male employees, black, robe-like gowns with black cowls that hide their faces and these gowns would have a fire-red stripe running down the side. Female employees would wear black short shorts, high heels, and sunglasses with black berets. No more of the conventional paper hats or caps. It's a new day, baby with Satan at the helm of Burger King. This, in the beginning, might cause sales to skyrocket and Satan would even play on the feelings of mother's with kids and actually give small children as much as twenty-dollars in cash just for coming by and the mom's would be given a day's visit to their favorite day spa. Now is Satan an operator or what?

But one day, the unthinkable happens. Satan, in his basking of self-praise, has forgotten one key element to business: Filing the quarterly taxes and in walks a man dressed in Satan's favorite color: Black and is wearing RayBan sunglasses while he lugs a black briefcase. This man is an IRS agent and he is in a bad mood. Satan is about to meet his match.

The IRS agent asks Satan some crucial questions, and since IRS agents are highly-trained to be cold and without emotion, he is totally immune to Satan's smooth manipulation of his feelings. "How long have you worked at this restaurant, uh, Mr. Lou C. Fer?" the IRS agent asks with a dry voice. "Not long, my man, but I do have an expertise with fire and charbroiling people, err, I mean, burgers, ha, ha," Satan replies shifting his feet and squirming with anxiety.

"Have you had any experience in managing a restaurant?" the IRS asks without looking up from the form he is filling out.

"Uh, sir, not that much restaurant management, but I have been used to being a leader of people of all races, nationalities, creeds and religious affiliations," Satan replies wiping small beads of perspiration from his brow.

"Why did you not file your quarterly taxes, Mr. Lou. C. Fer?" The IRS agent asks very sternly looking Satan squarely in the eyes. "Taxes? I, uh, well, I only have experience in, uh, cough, cough, collecting taxes, as a matter of fact, many people have compared me to you, sir, I don't know how to answer you," Satan explains knowing that is Burger King career is almost over.

"Well, Mr. Lou C.Fer, you or this restaurant owes the IRS a grand total of one-hundred and thirty-five thousand dollars . . .and sixteen cents. How do you want to pay?" The IRS agent says halfway grinning.

"Sir, you are good, I mean, I really don't know, I was hoping that, cough, cough, you could make some kind of arrangement with me to work this bill off, or something like that," Satan replies with his hands folded as if he is praying or begging.

The IRS agent looks off for a moment. Gets up and snaps his cell phone out his vest pocket, talks to someone for a few minutes and returns to where Satan is sitting and now worried almost out of is mind.

The IRS agent smiles and then says, "Good news, Mr. Lou C. Fer!"

"Good news? What good news could possibly come from the IRS, uh, oh, I'm sorry. Now what were you saying about good news?" Satan anxiously replies.

"Well, we are prepared to offer, well, ha, ha, let us say, 'make' you work for us, the IRS, doing what you are doing now," the IRS agent explains.

"Doing what, being a manager?" Satan asks hoping the answer is yes.

"No, Mr. Lou C.Fer, not a manager, but a job doing what I am doing now...coming down on businesses who are behind on their quarterly taxes and showing up without notice and making the restaurant or business owner or manager squirm with fear for what we can do to him and get away with it." The IRS agent says with a wide smile.

Satan thinks for a moment and says, "I think I can handle that."

"You should fit right in with us, Lou C. Fer. No one will ever know the difference," The IRS agent says as they both walk out the door never to be seen again--in THIS restaurant.