Evening Classes for Men
Disappointing and below standard
It has come to the attention of the Find a Man Committee, that many men have no idea what is required by women and are falling horribly short. To say that this is distressing and of concern is putting it mildly. Therefore, all interested members of the Find a Man Committee have decided to run special Evening Classes for men. The course will be over two days and will be extremely challenging for many of you. Due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the course, only eight men will be accepted at any one time.
Please note that lunch will be provided. Clear guidelines and instructions will be given on how to remove your lunch from the packaging without a woman's help. Don't worry, it's not in our best interests to let you starve.
Day 1: Morning Session
How to recognise a laundry basket - Powerpoint Presentation of excellent visuals of different laundry baskets and where they may be located in an average household. A fitness instructor will be present to show you how to bend without putting your back out. (Duration 1 hour)
Tea Break - Hands on lesson on how to switch on the kettle and find tea, coffee and mugs in the cupboards. Take turns to practise opening packets of biscuits (Duration 15 minutes)
How to iron Madame de Press will give a lecture on how to iron without getting creases in the clothes or leaving the iron imprint on expensive items of clothing. All students will be required to remove their trousers and shirts so as they will have items to practise with. (Duration 1 i/2 hours)
Replacing toilet rolls and throwing away empty milk cartons - Demonstration and role play. Discussion will follow on why empty toilet rolls and milk cartons can be detrimental to a woman's sanity. (Duration 1 1/4 hours)
Lunch Break (Duration 1 hour)
Day 1: Afternoon Session
Being a passenger with a woman driver - Short video followed by a Lecture on anger management techniques. Demonstration by Midwife on breathing techniques to use when under stress. Driving simulation with Blondepoet as the driver (Duration 3 hours)
Curing the flipping channels addiction - Ronald Macdonald will give a slide-show and talk on how to cure addictions and surrender control of the TV remote to others. There will be a short sharing time for students to share their TV remote addiction experiences. (Duration 30 minutes)
Tea Break (Duration 15 minutes)
How to be romantic - Presentation by an up and coming gigolo, followed by a question and answer session (Duration 1 hour)
Day 2: Morning Session
How to avoid comparing your woman to your mother - Matching game where you match pictures of old women to their hobbies and habits, and young women to their habits and hobbies. Led by distinguished Psychiatrist Dr. Feelgood. (Duration 1 hour)
How to inform others of your plans, when you're going to be late and how to record important events in a diary - Psychic Clairvoyant Jane Eyre will demonstrate how to open a diary and find the correct date to record information on. Students will be called upon to role-play making a phone call to give pertinent information. (Duration 1 hour)
Tea break (Duration 15 minutes)
Putting dirty dishes into the sink and washing them Mabel Mildew will use puppets to show how to get up off the couch and take your eyes off the television screen, to locate your dirty plate and glasses on the floor and carry them to the kitchen. Students will then get the opportunity to take turns washing dishes and experience the joy of soap suds on their hands. (Duration 1 hour)
Making small talk when the conversation is boring - Top Model Cindy Crawford will demonstrate how to smile inanely and nod your head and appear interested when the conversation is tedious. George W. Bush will demonstrate the technique of answering questions when you haven't paid enough attention to actually understand what was being asked. (Duration 45 minutes)
Day 2: Afternoon Session
Lunch Break How to make your own sandwich using ingredients and fillers from the fridge. (Duration 1 hour)
How to find the elusive G-spot and other items lost in the house - Linda Lovelace and Pietro Pornacopia will perform a simulation of how to find the G-spot while connected by remote to surround sound. All students are required to practise on the special simulation dolls which will be provided. Grandma Clousseau will end this session with a slideshow of handy ways to find other missing items. (Duration 2 hours)
Being a supportive shopper - Blondepoet, JJ and A Evans will demonstrate relaxation and breathing techniques which can be used when you are in the role of a supportive shopper. Students are requested not to be distracted by their heaving breasts while they complete the demonstration. Tom R. and Tom C. will show a Powerpoint Presentation of how you can make your body flexible so that you carry many parcels at one time. (Duration 1 hour)
Wee Break - All students will practise urinating in the women's bathroom with the toilet seat up and will remember to put it down again after they've finished. (Duration 15 minutes)
Learning to be wrong all the time - This is probably one of the most important things you'll ever learn, how to accept that you are always to blame and always wrong. Because the Find a Man Committee has recognised the vital importance of this session, each student on this course will receive their own counsellor to work with them on a one-on-one basis. Unfortunately, all counsellors are women as we were not able to find a male counsellor who had mastered this himself. (Duration 2 hours)
Successful Completion of the course
Students who successfully complete the course will receive a framed certificate and be deemed good enough and encouraged to apply for the Man Wanted: Apply Here.
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