How NOT to be the perfect employee

Well, I’m starting with a confession; this topic belongs to Ulysses Brave. Recently I read a book about Ulysses Brave’s “How NOT to be the perfect employee”. I found it really interesting and thought of writing on this topic here. I hope you will enjoy.


You will be having a stressful life while working in an office. Some make it really enjoyable, some make it very dull. Most of us try so hard to prove ourselves as a PERFECT employee among others. It would be very hard to do so. But when we think vice-versa, what all we can do to become an employee who is NOT perfect? Here are some tips.

  • Consider removing the word of “punctual” from your dictionary.

Don’t wear a wrist watch or have a pocket watch. You do not need to worry about the time you reach the office or start your work. If your boss question you or send a memo about late arrival, simply tell him you do not have a watch with you to check the time.

  • What is “Respect”?

When you are in an official meeting, call your elderly boss with his fist name. Something like, “Pete, pass the files this side”. Do not bother about his annoyed look.

  • If you want to kill time, a MEETING is the perfect weapon.

Attend all the meetings which conducted by management. Don’t even miss any. When they ask you why didn't you complete your work on time or why all dead-lines are breeched, you can simply blame the management saying that you had to attend so many meetings.

  • But what to do in a meeting?

Meetings are boring most of the time, but what to do? You should attend to escape from your daily work. So now what you can do now?

Take a notebook and pen with you. Try drawing your boss’s funny face. You can simply draw their face with an animal body and name them. Write funny comments and pass it to others. Make some paper rockets and origami diagrams, creatures and play with them. Play with rubber bands and papers. Make sure it doesn’t hit your boss. Even if it does, who cares?

  • All time, lunch time.

Take a big basket of snacks with you. Always munch. But be sure you do some exercises at your lunch break. Otherwise you will end up with a big tummy.

  • Mischievous Call center.

If you are working in an inbound call center, you make it really a “happening” place. Do not answer calls in the first ring. Let it ring for a long time and make the customer wait. Then answer the call and say “The person you are trying to reach is sleeping at the moment. Please don’t call again” or “R2 police station, any crime incidents?” or play some weird ring tones or audio clips using your mobile phone. If it is a screaming of a woman in a horror film would be better. Customer will freak out and never call back again.

If you have a phone which has got access to dial external numbers, you can just dial a random number and ask “My bunny has escaped and came by that side. Did you see it?” or “Your name is picked by a lottery for the Wal-Mart Briefs which you bought last week. You can come and pick up your price today

  • Sleep, sleep, sleep.

Sleep on your desk. No matter even if you have work. Ask any of your colleagues to wake you up when it is time to leave for home. If you know how to sleep when the eyes are widely opened, that would be best way of sleeping without getting caught to your boss. Request a closed cluster desk for you and your team. Then they can alarm you about your boss’s visit and you can peacefully have some sleep.

  • Social networks, yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

Join all the social networks. Make friends. Now you can play online games or grow plants or grow fishes via social networks. Stay in internet always. Play games 8-5.

  • Choose over-night shift.

You can’t have a better place to sleep than your office. No tensions. No annoyance from your wife, kids, irritating neighbours. You can relax yourself.

  • Make complaints without a break.

Always complaint to the management about the quality of your chair, version of your computer software, the number of toilets and their cleanliness, the number of toilet rolls, the wall paint color, hairstyle of your boss(just complaint that it is old fashioned and you don’t like it). Make the complaints until they feel tired. After onwards, they will just run if they happen to see you again.

  • Always smile.

Smile at your co-workers, superiors and your boss. If you can’t smile draw a smiling lip in a paper and paste on your lips. You have to smile even when your boss scolds you. He will get irritated and throw you out of his room. Still SMILE.

  • Be busy whenever it is possible.

When you feel bored or when you don’t sleep, keep yourself busy with arranging office tours, sports meet, annual party, etc. If your boss or superiors happen to see you outside the office, show yourself busy.

  • Use creative words.

When answering boss, use some creative words such as “well..” “Um..” “You know..” “I don’t know” “May be..” “Who knows” “I think so” Your boss will never ask for your opinion on anything after that.

Make sure you don’t follow these tips when you expect a promotion. :)

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Comments 6 comments

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

11/23/2011, 10:59 p.m., cst

Vishaaa, well, it had to happen. Sometime. Me finding THE PERFECT hub. This one. LOVED EVERY WORD, PHRASE, AND WITTICISM. You are MY type of writer...tell it the way it should be told. Voted up and all the way. I loved this so much that I am now a follower. And YOU are invited, for FREE, to check out my rather-abstract hubs, that is, if you are in the mood for a laugh. And you are invited to follow me. I would be grateful. Sincerely, Kenneth Avery, from Hamilton, a small town, (honest), in northwest Alabama that looks like Mayberry on the Andy Griffith Show, but the economy is so bad we have to RENT our town drunks. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

marwan asmar profile image

marwan asmar 5 years ago from Amman, Jordan

Interesting Vishaaa. Are you really saying don't do all these things you mention and become a perfect employee? An exciting turnaround.

stars439 profile image

stars439 5 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

Thanks for sharing. Voted up. Gby.

Vishaaa profile image

Vishaaa 5 years ago from Somewhere on this earth.. Author

Hi Kallini for your valuable comment. I always seen you are one who share your knowledge with others in a very useful way. Thanks again.

kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Well, most employees are far from perfect and who can blame them? Office work is dreadful more often than not.

I have written a response essay back in 1999 "Stupid Jobs are good to relax with" -

The author of the article talks about "culture of anti-work", it is not about having a bad attitude, it is about having NO attitude at all - an interesting concept. I am still going to redo my old essay into a hub here (only when?)

Talking about meetings:

"Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate." Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize - winning American humorist

zzron profile image

zzron 5 years ago from Houston, TX.

Very interesting concept, thanks for sharing.

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