World Domination for Dummies

So you want to take over the world. Good for you! That makes two of us. And obviously, only one of us is going to make it all the way. But what the heck, I'm a magnanimous megalomaniac- I'll share the secrets to world domination with you. Let's race for it, shall we? Winner takes all. Literally.

What follows is a simple guide on how to dominate the world. Follow these steps and you just might have a shot.

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The Plan

Nobody is taking over ANYTHING without a plan. You won't even be able to take over management at your local Kwik-E-Mart without a plan, let alone the entire world. So start planning.

Start with the end goal of world domination. Add your current place in the world (something embarrassingly low, I imagine). Now establish some midpoints- places you'll stop along the way to supreme power.

Now- how are you going to get from midpoint to midpoint? This is where action plans come in. As conditions are likely to change when you reach even your first stopping point, only worry about plotting your actions from point A to point B at this point. Once you reach point B, you must re-evaluate your position and abilities and alter your gameplan accordingly.

Your initial plans of action, however, must be clear, concise, and broken down into bite-sized pieces.  If your action plan does not guide every move you make, from waking up in the morning to collapsing into bed (or hanging upside down in your cave, as I do) at night, you will find your chances of success crumbling faster than you can say Roman Empire.

Friends? Oh please. What's next? FAMILY?
Friends? Oh please. What's next? FAMILY? | Source

Ditch the Deadweight

Friends don't let friends take over the world. No, really. They're deadweight. Time suckers. Liabilities.

If taking over the world is a real priority of yours, you will have to replace real friends with your cold, hard ambitions.

Now I know what you're thinking- you don't see why you can't have it all. Friends, after all, help us in our times of need, do they not? Could they not aid us on our quest for all-encompassing power?

I will admit that friends could help each other at least initially on such a grand mission, however such relationships in these conditions only sour after time, and when they do, your once-friends will not only be privy to your plans, but also know your personal weaknesses better than anyone else.

It is much better to remove friends from one's power-seeking plans. Honestly, it does not even pay to have friends who live in ignorance of your ambitions for world domination. Why? Because they simply take up time, and if you are really serious about taking over the world, that process is going to take all the time and resources you have- and then some.

Do note, however, that I instructed you to ditch real friendships- not friendships altogether. In your long journey to the top, you will have to form many strategic friendships to get what you need. The difference between these alliances and real friendship is that they involve the exploitation of others' resources, but not any exposure of your true plans or weaknesses.

You can learn from this one.  He's got it going ON.
You can learn from this one. He's got it going ON. | Source

Develop a Persona

There is no way you can ever hope to take over the world as a complete nobody. A powerful persona is a must if you intend to be anyone of consequence, let alone someone who dominates the entire planet.

Having a strong sense of self serves two purposes. First, and most obviously, it communicates your daunting nature to other people, letting them know they need to back off and bow down. Less obviously, though arguably more importantly, a strong persona acts as an internal mooring point which keeps you strong, sharp, and on-point. In moments of weakness or indecision, you will be able to ask yourself "who am I?" and comfortably answer back that you are, for example, a moralistic badass with a shoot-first-ask-questions-later attitude bent on taking over the world.  This will help you move forward successfully by aiding the creation of useful heuristics that enable you to make strategically smart decisions even when you are suffering from severe exhaustion, stress, or anger.

Developing your persona will be particularly fun, involving an interesting mixture of branding, character development, costuming, and method acting. Just make sure that whatever persona you develop is compliant with your strategic plan and personal strengths.

Couch potatoes will dominate nothing more than their remotes.
Couch potatoes will dominate nothing more than their remotes. | Source

Mind Your Health

You won't make it to the top of you aren't fit enough to climb.

Sickly weaklings rarely go far in this line of work, so if world domination is your game, you had better be sure to eat right, exercise, and get adequate sleep.  Malaise and self-indulgence are for weaklings.  Spend one too many hours indulging in front of the television and your eye of the tiger will quickly devolve into the dull eye of the dairy cow.

An extreme level of discipline will be necessary to keep you on track in your ambitious plans, and that discipline must start at a physical level, so cut out the crap food, get off your La-Z-Boy and start running laps.

Oh, and also be sure to only expose yourself to positive stimuli, get plenty of sleep, and de-stress (perhaps by regularly visiting the shooting range, or learning how to throw knives).  If you let the world get to you, your stress may affect your work.  People can see strain.  They can spot sleep deprivation.  And these symptoms are signs of weakness to your enemies.  Don't give them that opening.  Mind your health.

Delusions of grandeur... not for everyone.
Delusions of grandeur... not for everyone. | Source

Keep Your Eye on the Prize - And Proceed with Caution

No matter what, never lose sight of your goals. The second you do is the second you lose to me, and I don't want you to back out too soon; I would prefer to have the satisfaction of defeating you once you are truly formidable.

One more thing- proceed with caution. World domination is not for everyone. If you want happiness, peace, health, tranquility, or any chance at moral or religious redemption, you might want to reconsider your objectives in life. Perhaps the dull stare of the dairy cow is not so bad. The Swiss ones have it pretty good, actually.

And On That Note...

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Comments 16 comments

CMHypno profile image

CMHypno 5 years ago from Other Side of the Sun

I already dominate the world, Simone - I'm just discreet about it LOL! Interesting hub, but this world domination thing sounds like a lot of hard work, so I think that I'll just stay as a lowly hubber and be subversive from the ranks!


fucsia profile image

fucsia 5 years ago

This Hub is very useful to me... But before to dominate the world it is better if I learn to dominate myself... And I am already on the right track. The absolute power is reached by small steps!


Peter Dickinson profile image

Peter Dickinson 5 years ago from South East Asia

If I dominated the world it would go something like this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NewYCbpfbw


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan

This world and 2 more and I'll be the Boss! Well that's what I tell my husband! Hmmm, somehow or another I don't think I'll be able to dominate the world from behind my computer, but it's a good thought!


Garrett Mickley profile image

Garrett Mickley 5 years ago from Jupiter, Florida

I don't think I want all of that responsibility. Can I just become second in command?

Garrett Mickley: VP Of Earth


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

You mean step down to dominate only ONE world? I am supreme commander of the universe currently. Perhaps when I retire...


Simone Smith profile image

Simone Smith 5 years ago from San Francisco Author

Always ahead of the curve you are, CMHypno! And good point fucsia!

Hahaa Peter Dickinson - niiiice!! You should get on that!! Sounds pretty good to me :D

And Sweetsusieg, I'm sure something can be arranged. Computer are excellent tools for world domination, anyhow ;)

Smart move Garett Mickley! Lots of power and prestige, MUCH less stress.

Now, you just keep me posted on your retirement Austinstar - I'll be happy to pick up where you left off!


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

Wow, I realized I am on the right track here! I don't care to dominate the world, just my little part of it. Great advice in this Hub!


anglnwu profile image

anglnwu 5 years ago

Got to love your take on world domination. I wish upon a star....one day, perchance, to reach the pivotal point..to rule, to stand supreme. Well, thinking about it makes me retreat to my safe little place, where I'm already the queen. Thanks for the wonderful read and rating it up.


Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok 5 years ago from Long Island, NY

I'm already dominating the world! Not the whole world...just mine. If I was to dominate the whole world I would have to do one of two things. Either please all of the people some of the time, or please some of the people all of the time. In MY world I can get away with pleasing all of the people all of the time. As for your Hub, I voted up and useful 'cause you gave a lot of useful ideas.


Alexander Pease profile image

Alexander Pease 5 years ago from Maine

Great, funny hub. I will be sure not to get in your way on your quest for world domination. :)


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 5 years ago from Houston, Texas

I always did like cow eyes! :-)


Winsome profile image

Winsome 5 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

The dull stare of the dairy cow

She knows the secret but won't say how

Dominatrix she could be

She's fed, massaged and duty free

Bovinely shrewd, in India, a god

The world's her pasture, every grass and clod

But alas, dethroned I her office take

And smile her smile as I eat my steak

Ha ha you fed me a great line, I couldn't resist. I didn't realize you were so funny and clever Simone. I upgrade shall. =:)


Rose West profile image

Rose West 5 years ago from Michigan

Hilarious! Oh, and I used to watch Pinky and the Brain on Saturday mornings :)


Simone Smith profile image

Simone Smith 5 years ago from San Francisco Author

Hehee, me too, Rose West! And Winsome, you're brilliant.


Seasons Greetings profile image

Seasons Greetings 2 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I thought I was doing it right. You've given me a few things to consider.

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