I've heard enough of . . .

PLAIN, SIMPLE, IN AND OUT

that's what I am intending to do with this story. Start it. Write it. Finish it. And all without boring you to tears with lengthy introductions, personal reflections of how this subject should be made known to every living thing on earth and what "I" would do to eliminate most of these overused sayings from society.

500 words. That's the minimum amount of words allowed by HubPages for hubs. I can live with that. I wasn't feeling like Superman (with boundless stamina) anyway.

Source

SELFISH PEOPLE ON CELL PHONES IN PUBLIC

whom "you" need to share some vital information, and all you get is, "jes-a-second," or they hold their index finger up as a impenetrable barrier for "you" and "I," the defenseless people without a cell phone to be at their mercy.

"OKAY. I WILL LET YOU GO."

this too, is a lie used by selfish cell phone users in public. "You" have gotten their attention and they grin as a way of acknowledging that "you" need them, but they always use this line, "okay, (giggle, laugh, laugh) I will let you go," to get your hopes up, then carry-on yet another 30-minute "gab fest" about what underwear is appropriate to wear to a swanky cocktail party that "you" and "I" will never get to attend.

THE SUPER-PRIVATE TURNING OF THE BACK ON YOU

this move should be patented by the C.I.A., for no matter where a selfish, self-absorbed cell phone user may be, to get them to be more rude than usual, just get their attention, and suddenly you see only their backs. This rude exercise trumps the index finger being held up in the air and the "okay. I will let you go," line. And when you see the back of our selfish, self-absorbed cell phone user, you have to stand and listen for 45 minutes of needless giggling, wheezing and watching a body shake with laughter. But it's not yours. Then with the "important" cell call being over, the selfish, self-absorbed cell phone user turns to you with, (am I right?), a frown of confusion on their face. Then say, "what was it you wanted? I am in a hurry." Enough is enough.

"I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE"

This would be "the" "mother of all lies," in any cell phone outlet in the nation. If you are cursed to get behind one of these "special" people who show-up in public "dressed to the nines," to just buy a cell phone, and when "they" are next in line, just watch it. Time will stop. These "gifts to humanity," will ask endless, asinine questions about a phone that they have owned for five years. Then glance back at you with a "I got all day," look on their smug faces while you blow an entire day. Sound familiar?

"THERE'S 'THIS PERSON' WANTING ME. GOTTA GO."

And 'this person' is you, the cell phone user's brother. Who gave his self-absorbed sister a kidney last year to save her life. And now you are 'this person.' Will it, or can it, ever stop?

"WELCOME, MY SUCKERS, TO 'FANTASY SALESPEOPLE'

Source

"RAINCOATS? UHHH, WHAT RAINCOATS?"

ever heard this line or a similar line in any given store? What's annoying is that there are no other customers but you and this spaced-out sales clerk. And the huge rack of raincoats behind him or her. You did your part by asking to see a raincoat, and he or she, she sales clerk, was just placing them on the rack, but something about your question, "may I see one of those raincoats behind you?" must have been so confusing that the poor sales clerk had a mental lapse. But you are a civil person. You keep your cool. You say a second time, "may I see one of those raincoats behind you, please?" Again, the poor sales clerk stares at you with mouth open, eyes glazed with confusion and you end up looking stupid.

"YEAH, I HAVE ONE RIGHT HERE"

I know you must have heard this overused lie before. You waltz up to the clean-cut salesgirl or boy on a sunny Saturday morning and simply say, "I'd love to see an outdoor camping lantern like this one," and you are holding the sales flyer in your hand. "yes, sir. I have one right here," says the salesgirl or boy. That, my gullible customer, is the last you will see of them that day. You see. You walked up only a minute before their break and this salesgirl or boy knows that they will get paid regardless if you buy an outdoor camping lantern or not. So what if you call their home office? This store chain is so massive and complex, it will take years before this neglectful salesperson is found and by that time, he or she has quit and moved to Jamacia where there is no stress.

"IS THIS IT?'

again, same scenario. Different store. You need a pair of work boots. You see them in the shoe department and on sale, what a great day for you. But when you inquire from the shoe department person that you "want to see 'that' particular work boot," and even point to it, they suddenly seem struck with stupidity. "uhhh, is this it?" they reply holding a completely-different shoe in their hand. "no, I need 'that' work boot there, please," you say. "not in stock, sir," "Space Cadet salesperson" replies while you look at him with disbelief. "you mean to tell me that 'this' work boot, the one I am holding, is not here? At all?" you say while your blood pressure shoots up. Salesperson grins. "yup. (haw, haw, haw), sucks, right?" they say. And it was just minutes from their two and a half-hour lunch break when you walked up to buy the work boots.

And this one, which is not from a cell phone or department store . . .

"YES, YOU CAN BE HEALED OF THAT INGROWN TOENAIL"

if you will simply send me $25.00 to help my television ministry. I didn't know that God now uses a "middle man" to screen His prayer requests.


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Comments 20 comments

Alecia Murphy profile image

Alecia Murphy 4 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

People on cell phones and lazy customer service workers- two huge pet peeves of mine. I understand when someone calls and you want to chat but like you said not all of us wanna hear your life story. And if you work in a store, it's your job to know what you have and where it is. Awesome rant!


chrisinhawaii 4 years ago

I hate that too! (cell phone lady keeping ME on hold)...

...except for when I'm the person on the other end talking to cell phone lady, and someone walks up to here and keeps trying to steal her away from me. "Hey! I had her first...get in line, buddy!" =)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, Alecia,

Thank you for agreeing with me. And you are 100% right. Not everyone is entertained by "these" "Cell Phone Drama Queens," who only do this for attention. And to build their status. Stop by anytime for a visit.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, chris,

And I agree with you also. If I am in a conversation with someone on a land-line or cell, respect me enough to tell that person on YOUR end to hold it, a second, not me. Like you. I was here first. Thank you for your kind comments.


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 4 years ago

Good Customer Service is what brings people back to your store or business. It is something that needs to improved in many venues. I am getting used to people talking on the phone, not exactly liking it, but if they keep their voice down it doesn't bother me.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Cell phone use drives me crazy! As far as rude, dumb sales clerks, there are just WAY too many of them out there! Funny hub, but so true!


Ana Louis profile image

Ana Louis 4 years ago from Louisiana

What has the world come to? Seriously. Rudeness has spread through society like the plague, which I am sure is more severe in some places than others. It is funny (not), how we have disconnected so we can be connected.


Sueswan 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

What gets me is not only the rudeness of these cell phone addicts but they don't have any filters and talk like they are in the privacy of their home.

I know a guy who has a gadget that cuts off the connection to cell phone. He says he doesn't make a habit of using it but there are those times where it comes in hand.

Voted up, awesome and funny.

Have a great weekend my friend. :)


frogyfish profile image

frogyfish 4 years ago from Central United States of America

Aw-ww dern 'em all! especially the one who asks for the 'donation'! Thanks for the laughs.


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

Funny, kenneth. Public cell phone usage is a pet peeve of mine... and when I see the finger, I just want to snap it in half.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Teaches12345,

you make a valid point with the "getting used to" cellphones in public as long as the users do not blast out the windows, but where I live, they do not show any courtesy to anyone. And yes, sales clerks who DO show concern and help do bring back reoccuring sales. This is a true fact of life and business.

Thanks for the enlightment. I needed it.

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Catgypsy . . .I agree. Cells drive me up the wall and looks like to me that these rude cell-maniacs make their way across the store to get in my ears to talk their jibberish to friends. Enough, I say. I am not interested in your conversations now or ever.

Thanks, cat, for your warm friendship and comments.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ Ana,

Hi. Thanks for your delightful and profound remarks. Rudeness is like a cancer that spreads by ONLY ONE carrier. I think that satan himself starts this root of rudeness every chance he gets, but on the other hand, Jesus, the champion of manners and respect, does not. I tend to blaming satan for all of this rude behavior.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Susan,

how can I get in touch with this guy? I too have a gadget that cuts telemarketers off. It's called an END CALL button, but these sly foxes always seem to disguise their numbers so I will think I have won some money, but always get asked to buy some unwanted books that I will never read.

Have a great day, Sue and enjoy your Yellow Cab ride . . .oops, let the "driver" out of the bag . . .


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, frogy,

LOL, I agree. One answer I use when asked to donate to a fund to Save The Two-Headed Perch from Montana is "no." The caller acts all angry and makes me, or tries to make me feel guilty because I dont believe in such a species.

I have asked, "have you ever viewed a two-headed perch," the stunned huckster says, "yeah, all of the time." Then he or she hears a rude sound: CLICK.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, PDXkaraokeguy . . .thanks for your support. I mean that. But do not give in to temptation to break the finger in half . . .just use silly string to spray in the rude cell user's face . . .and say that it was an accident if the cell addict gets upset. No harm. No fowl.


lovedoctor926 4 years ago

OMG, this is so true. I enjoy reading your hubs. They are so interesting and funny! I am hitting all the buttons here except beautiful of course.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear cynthia,

"Thank YOU so much for your sweet remark." "I am making plans right now, to build myself a compound in a secret location where there will be NO telemarketers, rude cell users or sales clerks who only show up for their checks. But I will stay in touch with YOU and all of my followers whom I LOVE SO MUCH! I promise.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, love!

Thanks, dear friend, for your warm comment. YOU always cheer me up. Take care and I have your back too.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ Cynthia,

"awww."

Seriously. Thank you. I need all of the sincere affection I can get and do not worry. I wont forget it. :)

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