Job Openings I Will Have When I Win the Lottery

We all dream about the rich uncle we didn't know we had, dying and leaving us millions ... (actually, it used to be millions, but adjusted for inflation, technically it now needs to be billions) ... or about winning the lottery.

If ever I am so blessed as to win the "big one," the chances are great that I will stay in my 23 year old double-wide, continue its ongoing beautification projects that involve tile, wood floors, drywall, replacement windows and landscaping. It's actually quite cozy and moving would take a lot of work, plus I'd have to figure out where I wanted to move to. (I'm not a fan of big changes, lol.)

When I finish my remodeling project (with the help of lottery proceeds) I shall have a colorful, three dimensional, sandblasted sign made for the front of my home, and its name shall be ... (can you guess?) ... drumroll, please: "The Silk Purse!"

(If you "get" this, and laugh ... you can automatically be my friend and we will simply dispense with all "getting to know you" formalities, for we obviously knew one another in eternity past.)

But I digress.

When I win the lottery, I might not move away, but I will have the following job positions available ... and all of you are welcome to apply!

The question I most dread hearing in all the world is this: "What's for supper?" Inevitably, it gets asked on a day when I am busy writing, gardening, dog training, antiquing, refinishing furniture, or participating in any one of a million other interests that are more important to me than food. I do like to cook, but I hate HAVING to cook. Food is very important to sustaining life, and not much worth eating unless it is delicious, and this is why I would hire a chef ... someone who would consult with me, who likes to cook the things I like to eat, who has an adventurous spirit, and who does not mind seven dogs sitting at heel while the chicken is being deboned. I absolutely love good smells coming from the kitchen and am ever so appreciative when someone simply puts a plate in front of me. The pay will be good. I promise, and the benefits spectacular. Cold noses and warm hearts included for free.

I am the kind of person who cleans up for the maid. So I am definitely not above cleaning my own home. However, when I win the lottery, I will be more than happy to let someone else have this job. The reason being, I simply have so many other interests that I often don't get to cleaning, yet I truly do enjoy a clean home. Having someone else clean my house would allow me the dual blessings of having a clean home AND the ability to follow my other interests, and believe me, I will pay you well. Bonus will be offered if you are immune to dog hair.

I will definitely need a bookkeeper, because tedium and numbers are not my thing. I would prefer you work from YOUR home and just check in with me by phone or in person once or twice a week. I would like for you to balance my checkbook, handle my investments (of which I currently have none, but this will change when I win the lottery and hire YOU) and most important of all, you must have a kind and charitable heart as well as tight lips, for I will ask you to help me pick good places to tithe and will want to know of persons in need, yet will prefer to donate anonymously. If you don't have a soft heart AND a head for numbers ... don't bother applying. Must be impervious to barking dogs.

Okay, here's the deal. You only have to groom seven dogs, (four Australian Shepherds and three Border Collies), but you have to keep them well groomed all the time, and this includes brushing their teeth, filing their nails and trimming their feet. If you're up for that, I will pay you whatever you ask ... but you had better be good to my dogs, (they had better LOVE being groomed by you!) ... and they had better look good all of the time. Because it embarrasses me terribly when they don't! Essential that you truly love dogs: mine will know if you're faking!

I love digging in the dirt, but alas, I don't have the "vision". I can never figure out what will bloom when and I want everything to bloom ALL the time! (I'm pretty sure this happens in heaven, and also, that the flowers sing hymns, btw.) So, when I win the lottery, anyone who is folksy and warm and honest and who loves to dig in the dirt and doesn't mind talking to ignorant me about plants and colors and who CAN envision finished garden areas is more than welcome to apply to be the head gardener at "The Silk Purse" (see above). Warning: applicants must be willing to share digging duties with occasional litters of puppies.

I have decided that I'd like to have someone drive me around so that i no longer have to worry about it! Forget the stretch limo ... what I'd like is a nice customized van, one with a bed or sofa in the back. Ideally, I can catch up on my sleep while being driven to where I need to go! This would, indeed, be a luxury!

Stay tuned, there may be additional job openings, but for now, these are the ones that seem most important. In addition to your specific skills, you must be patient, kind, honest, and it is essential that you really, really, REALLY like dogs!