Kindergarten Consultant

If you sometimes scan the want ads, don’t be surprised if you soon see one that reads:

Help wanted – Kindergarten Teachers to fill consulting positions.

Those of us who have worked long enough in the consulting industry can attest to the fact that many assignments start out working for what seem like sensible, mature, business professionals, who will eventually revert to the childish behavior of a five-year-old. Fighting among themselves, not sharing information, whining, and just plain not playing nice, are just some attributes of the corporate world these days. Is it any wonder that the most sought after consultants will soon be former kindergarten teachers? Who else is better equipped to deal with the juvenile mind?

Just imagine what proposals and brochures might look like when this new breed of consultant hits the project trail:

 

Methodology

Our approach utilizes the latest in consulting techniques. The following practices will create an environment geared towards your project’s success:

Sharing day – once a week all of the executives take turns sharing strategic plans with the other executives. No hidden agendas allowed, only one officer at a time may speak, and only those who raise their hands will have questions answered.

Show and tell – each day one of the low-level working staff will show management how a task actually gets done. By watching employees perform work, management can learn what is involved and develop a greater appreciation of the task.

Keep your hands and feet to yourselves rule – a standard kindergarten rule that should go a long way to reduce many of those sexual harassment issues.

Recess – hot-headed managers often need to blow off a little steam. By turning them loose outside for 45 minutes after lunch to play kickball, tag, and jump rope they can return to work calmer and more pleasant people.

Milk and cookies – coffee stations will now be equipped with a tray of warm cookies and the cartons of milk in the refrigerators will actually be replaced before the expiration date.

Time out – employees who misbehave, fight with the other employees, and don’t pay attention, will be given a “time out”. As the rule goes, time out is usually one minute for every year of age (if you are old enough this may constitute an early retirement). Time out consists of sitting in a corner cubicle without being able to talk to anyone, participate in any meetings, and no toys! (that includes cell phones, iPads, and laptops)

Nap time – most people get tired and make mistakes toward the end of the day. Coffee drinking only keeps your body awake but the mind is still in need of quiet time. Everyone will sit in their chair with hands folded and rest their heads on their desk at 3PM every day for 15 minutes.

Positive reinforcement – every time someone completes an assignment on time they will get stickers. If an employee collects 10 stickers at the end of the month they get extra stock options.

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Comments 1 comment

Kent 6 years ago

Hilarious! Dennis should be published in a syndicated column, like Dave Barry! I never read on of Dennis' articles w/o laughing out loud!

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