Office Adventures Part 2

 Today I lit a garbage pail on fire.

I was sitting outside at about noon, puffing away at my cigarette, happily going into chatter box mode on my cellphone with my gal pal. We were gossiping about who said what, and who did what the night before.

After taking in a final puff, I clicked my phone shut, and went to the town garbage pail to flick my cigarette into it. I mean hey, I'm no litter bug. This town already is half in the dumps, why help it get there completely?

Anyhow back to the pail. 

It sits right square on the sidewalk in my window view right in front of my office.

This pail and I have a love hate relationship. That negativity I face when it comes to this pail mostly comes more from the town garbage man who insists on pulling our magazines from the pail and dumping them on the sidewalk for me to pick up in the morning. That story though is for another day. 

Today, I lit that fucker up.

You see when I went to put my cigarette out on the pails outer lid, instead of the hot cherry part of my cigarette landing on the sidewalk, it instead went plummeting into the depths of the pail. All the way down south. No, no, no.

Instead of bothering with it, I being the lazy ass that I am, decided that the tip of the cigg was small, and likely it would just puff out on it's own. Yerp.

An hour went by and I didn't think nothin' of it.

Then all of a sudden I take a look out my window, and notice the fucking pail is smoking!!!!

Before running outside to see what the hell was causing the smoke, I thought of Pauly Shore and an old line he used in Encino Man:

Flame-age- Bud-dy!

(I knew that shit was on fire).

I went outside, smacked the pails flap in to take a look at the damages.

Oh man! I lit it up. I saw the dance of flames. I knew I couldn't sit there staring at it. I had to do something, and I had to do something fast.

I kept thinking the worst of possibilities as I dipped our office's empty coffee pot into the toilet bowl. I had no choice, I couldn't wait for the damn fawcett to fill it up!

I kept thinking of the fire going on outside in the pail; what if someone dumped a hairspray bottle in there, or an aerosol paint can from those fucking shitty graffiti works of shart kids?

What if the flames ignite it and there is a huge explosion? What if that explosion causes a car to set fire and explode? What if my cigg manages to take out all of main street!?!?!!?

I ran outside with my coffee pot filled with toilet water, smacked open the opening in the garbage can and sprinkled the piss water onto the flames. Smoke filled my eyes, and I ran back inside for another dip at the toilet bowl.

I figured by now, someone would see all of the commotion and try to help, or better yet, call the fire department.

Cars though whizzed by without so much as turning a head (can you believe it, a fire does not cause them to turn their heads, but a 16 year old in some ass tight jeans walking by with her asshole sticking out in the air like a duck, and heads turn all damn day (fucking shitbag pedopervs).

By round 2 of the toilet water, the fire was pretty much out, the smoke though continued to rise, and I kept running back and forth with my coffee pot, and my piss water just to make sure nothing re-ignited.

It's now almost time to check out, and I reek of smoke and I'm sure no matter how hard I scrubbed there are traces of poop and piss on my hands from the water.

Ahh; she kicks her feet up on her desk...just another day in the office.

I love it! Welcome back- it's Monday, and the fun has just begun.

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Comments 18 comments

goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I am required to have a fire extinguisher handy at all times as part of the safety program, it may be time to consider the same!

I enjoyed hearing about your bad day, as usual, when are we going to be rich and not have to worry about the little stuff and could just tell someone else "take care of it."


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

I thought you were just going to pee on it. . . .


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

lol. Imagine if I'd done that. People would probably stop and look for sure. lol.

OMG GT I also just realized after you said that, that we dont have one in the office?!?!?! If we do its in a clutter somewhere in the dungeon (aka haunted basement)


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

Don't go looking in there, Freddy might be there, just tell you boss they are violating OSHA laws, if they don't have one, that should get 'em moving.


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

lol. No way... he will get back at me by making me take a pay cut. lol... such is life.... the rich get richer the poor... fry.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

"but a 16 year old in some ass tight jeans walking by with her asshole sticking out in the air like a duck" had me laughing out loud. Love your use (or misuse) of the eglish language. Very funny as usual!

However, I take great exception with the line, "(fucking shitbag pedopervs)." I resemble that remark! I'm a fucking shitbag pedoperv and proud of it!


Adam B 7 years ago

I imagine the garbage on fire had to smell fucking horrible...then you added poo and pee water. Yuck.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

So, who made the coffee at the office today, and who was brave enough to drink it? LOL! This was way too funny! :D

I want to know more about this haunted basement! Is that where big Bertha the killer copy machine lives? I would advise everyone to read that hub too. I can't remember what you titled it though.


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

lol. Ah yes, Big Bertha was 'the printer at my job is trying to kill me'. lol. No Bertha guards the staircase leading to the hanted dungeon. All sorts of weird things happen down there, I'll have to hub about it all when I get some time. Some weirdness down there I tell ya.

CR, lol... I knew someone would like that line. lol. Pedoperv is an original word. I came up with it as I was writing. lol.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

It's a good word. Says what it is. I like it and will use it often, in my day to day life, like to the cops when I say, "I am not a pedoperv, officer! I thought she was a duck!!


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

OMG. LOL..... well many of them certainly walk as if they are birds with a limp. Kind of like when you stumble upon a duck that has a hurt foot.

I need to come up with a name for the walk... something like

The 'Duckle'

I do not think girls should wear heels if they cannot walk in them. They look like cracked quack quackers. (say that 3 times fast!)


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 7 years ago from Houston, Texas

Cracked quack quackers......cracked quack quackers.......cracked quack quackers. There!


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

lol... skills!!!!! I cant do it. I can write it, but stumble saying it.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 7 years ago from Near the Ocean

Mellas, oh my god you crack me up. But like Teresa I thought you were gonna pee on it.


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

oh god no. Id get arrested. lol. Theyd all turn their heads then. Could you imagine me squatting in the pail? Okay I could---, but I wouldnt do that. lol.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 7 years ago from Near the Ocean

The coffee pot and the toilet water was better... less predictable :)


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

lol. I really used it. I have been quiet about it. But I will say this... someone breath smells like shit today man. And it aint mine. Poor B, he should have been nice to me. I hope he enjoyed his cup-o-joe this mornin. lol.


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Thanks for the laughs, I needed it :D

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