Creating Outrageous Cover Letters

Bad Economy, Risky Cover Letter? Go Ahead!

11/16/10

Due to the current economic conditions in place across Canada and the United States, with people literally lining up for a single job by the hundreds, whether they are recent immigrants or laid off Wall Streeters, what do you have to lose by coming up with a creative, perhaps considered outrageous, cover letter? Not only could such a cover letter help you stand out amongst a sea of applicants, it could also prove quite therapeutic during these tumultuous times.

Here is an example of one such cover letter I sent to a publishing company. The publishing company specializes in local political satire, so it seems only appropriate that I come up with an outrageous cover letter demonstrating my skills in such an area.

The name of the said company and my personal I.D. will be protected. All references to company names have been fictionalized.

Writing a cover letter doesn't have to be a tedious task.
Writing a cover letter doesn't have to be a tedious task.

Outrageous Cover Letter: Publication Company

I came from what some would call typical origins. My parents were hopelessly middle, soon to be upper-middle class, overeducated, and micro-managed my life for as long as they could, which wasn’t long. I graduated High School with lower than average grades despite pulling all nighters studying. I must have set a record for the first and only High School student to receive multiple scholarships, yet couldn’t get admitted to university, to actually use such scholarships. How does that work you ask? It works when you win multiple contests in writing, geography, science, etc., yet fail every exam possible in the system. Apparently I was born with a hole in my head, 2nd percentile on the planet when it comes to working memory, yet well above average in everything else. Maybe my parents dropped me too much when I was a child, or rumor has it my sister hit me far too many times with a tin can when I was a toddler.

My parents paid an arm and a leg to have me hulled off to a privatized community college, where I was supposed to learn computer science. Instead we learned how to read badly written computer science textbooks, and had to figure out the actual computer science aspect on our own. Then 9-11 happened, and all the computer science jobs were outsourced to India, so I figured I better get a job.

I spent almost three years slugging at the Belantis Institute of Oceanography as an entry level cartographer. Apparently there was pent up demand because the government feared terrorists would attack Yarmouth, with a recent anthrax scare and all. So I had to update numerous old coastal maps. Tedious work of the copying nature, the only highlight I remember is visiting the bio-lab where I saw a three-headed fish, a collection of blue lobsters, and a jellyfish much larger than the size of my entire bachelor’s apartment.

I then had a brief entrepreneurial venture, where I tried to make a jewelry manufacturing home based business. I had this unique manufacturing concept where I would produce jewelry quickly, with little overhead costs, and completely autonomous. After two separate explosions and a mysterious looking silver and iron space rock later, I decided that jewelry wasn’t for me.

When I first passed a difficult life insurance licensing exam, I had images of finally getting my first "real job", strolling around suburbia and or meeting employers of small businesses, helping people get insurance coverage. This couldn’t end up further from the truth. I worked for this life insurance industry where my employer, in all his infinite wisdom, thought it to be a clever idea to offer free one-thousand dollar death benefits to anyone who signed up to our clientele database. Needless to say, this resulted in a pile of people to call up and visit who simply wanted the free benefit package. I spent up to twelve hours a day, on commission, going from mobile home to mobile home, where I felt incredibly aloof and morbid trying to sell life insurance to people who couldn’t even afford to put food on the table. I even came across one fellow, in his eighties, who collected up to ten of such free benefits from my company over the years. I guess he forgot to read the fine print that only one of those certificates will apply, but seeing that he is in his eighties, I doubt he can even see the fine print. Eventually I sold useless five dollar a month term policies, just so I could feed myself. Some weeks I made a grand total of five-thousand dollars, too bad it costs me four-thousand dollars in expenses, and I subsequently ended up with a net income less than a full time employee working at McDonald’s. My employer, of course, felt entitled to half my total commissions for simply being my employer, and he didn’t foot a single bill towards my expenses.

Just when I thought I experienced the maximum potential of human sin in the world of employment, the world continues to surprise me. My next job was as an Investor Relations Agent at a call centre, right in the heat of the U.S stock market crash. From the moment I joined this "company", it reminded me of a scene on "Fight Club." I remember the words of my trainer just before he graduated us to the "real world", "You shall never tell anyone or mention that, cough, Atlantic Murla Group, at Pier 21, is serving the interests of the Bank of New York. If you speak, we will fire you. You can’t tell your friends, you can’t tell your children, you can’t commence in any socialization of any kind with your fellow employees about work outside this building, and you definitely can’t tell your wives, husbands, boyfriends or girlfriends. Don’t think we won’t find out if you squeal, for we’re offering bonuses to anyone who reports the squealers." What a splendid introduction to the shop floor of the company!

I got to experience the typical pain of call centre duty, I was called so many unspeakable names that are even off limits to this cover letter, but had the additional pleasure of dealing with America’s incredibly rich and spoiled. Wives, who are eagerly calling in, to collect the inheritance no more than two days after the death of their husbands; Children doing the same, to collect the inheritance of their parents, so they can purchase a few condominiums. Some I had to tell their daddy lost it all gambling on the now crashed stock market, where I was then subsequently accused of being a demon, anti-Christ, "big bad government", etc.

This brief tenure as an Investor Relations Agent also taught me the splendor of International Business. You see, Atlantic Murla is an Indian company based in Bangalore. And as such, we Canadians were subjected to true Bangalorian traditions when it came to employment. If we arrived one minute late, we were docked ten minutes off our pay, and they actually took the time/money to account this information accordingly. Of course, it didn’t matter if we were one minute early, or if we had to stay in forty minutes after the clock to deal with that irritable customer who won’t hang up. By the way, did I mention it was against company policy to ever hang up? We also couldn’t spend more than, I counted, fifteen seconds between calls, without a manager calling to yell our eardrums sore. But all of this was next to nothing compared to the most embarrassing policy I have ever had to experience. We were required to "schedule" our "nature’s call" before we could leave the office area and vacate our phones. Yes, that’s right, I was required to notify and put into an electronic schedule when I had to take a shit. And seeing that I have irritable bowel syndrome, that was quite often, oh yeah, and they docked your pay for that as well.

My next "job", if you could call it a job, was being a retail demonstrator and auditor. The retail demonstrator simply involved me standing around all day for hours, showing off a Sony prototype camera and all it’s million and one features. Getting paid just to stand was nice. The auditing portion involved me going around to a few stores every couple weeks to inspect for quality control. All of this wasn’t a bad "in between job", until I discovered that life coach and personal psychologist were apparently part of the package. My boss would call me all hours of the night, telling me of troubles with his wife, his finances, his business, his children, his mistress, etc. Although I got low pay, I was well fed, as my boss would set up appointments with me to "discuss business" at his favorite Haligonian steak house at least once every week. It didn’t matter where he was currently located, surely enough, he would pay hundreds of dollars in airline fees just to make the dinner meetings.

Finally, I gave a diploma in construction management/development a try. Figuring; that if I can’t beat my real estate overlords who run my life, I shall join them. I entered what I thought to be beginner classes, all but to find out the kids were ringers, spitting out information like high-powered octane robots, and everyone knew somebody important in the business. Needless to say, with my competitive minded professors, it didn’t matter if I knew the material; I was the bottom of the heap.

Currently I’m writing a novel that has just hit its 500th page, and it isn’t yet finished. I want to work for Dantes Peak magazine because you’re the only paper in town that offer the opportunity to do what I love, that and you’re the only ones who gave me the opportunity to write a truthful cover letter that could possibly be appropriate. I wish all that I’ve written are fiction or even exaggerations, but that would be a lie. Contact me at any time for an interview. Feel free to turn the page if you wish to see a conventional resume.

-Donovan D. Westhaver

Comments 5 comments

donotfear profile image

donotfear 5 years ago from The Boondocks

Another well-written, sarcastic bit of knowledge! Great!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

I thought I would be only fair to check at least one of your hubs.

So, was it published?

It would be very funny, if it were not be so sad. I do blame my misfortunes on myself rather than on economy, but your story seems all too familiar.

Sometimes I want to write something outrageous, too.

Oh, wait, maybe I will.

Good luck with your novel!


DonDWest profile image

DonDWest 5 years ago from Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada Author

The book I was writing ended up being so long that I had to turn it into a trilogy. The first book is titled Confessions of the Asylum: The Art of Revolution. The second book is half way finished, titled: Confessions of the Asylum: Herera's Temple. I have yet to start the 3rd book, but I do have a story outline. That book will be titled Confessions of the Asylum: Judgment Day.

I'm running into difficulties getting the first book properly and professionally edited. "Politics" are sort of getting in the way as well. It's a long story. . . I've already had to refuse one publishing effort due to low quality. It took me no longer than 4 months to write the book while holding a full time job, but I'm afraid thanks to the maze and politics that's the pubishing industry, it may take me over 2 years to get the book respectfully edited.


DonDWest profile image

DonDWest 5 years ago from Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada Author

BTW, the cover letter is meant to be funny. I'm not the conventional type that believes in "staying positive" when there is no positive story to tell. Making up fantasies or dressing up your life more than what it is will only make you feel much worse. In this "new age" philosophy world, we have forgotten how to properly deal with adversity and to laugh at ourselves. Not everyone gets a comedic tragedy and very few writers can write such material. I’m hoping that such material resurfaces in literature, because honestly I feel it’s a healthy way of coping with what will be a very severe depression that will lose a generation, my generation.

For the record, my family hates my writing and doesn't understand it. They just don’t get it. It's been the source of many conflicts. My father believes my work promotes racial hatred. My mother is so afraid of my literature that it causes her to curl up in a ball. And my sister believes it’s the work of the devil. Most of my family prefers to read books and watch movies of the light hearted and optimistic variety. Mind you, those who like my work; like it a lot!

It's for this reason I formatted my user profile the way that I did when I first joined Hubpages. I'm not afraid of a healthy debate, but if you absolutely can't stand the material, the profile is basically telling you by all means to close the book and put it away. Nobody is forcing you to read my Hubs. At the same time, I'm asking people to give it a chance. Like all things new, they're scary at first, but over time can be an “acquired taste.”

Excerpts from my first book will be showing up in Hubpages very soon once I get enough traffic generated.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Well, I understand that your hub was supposed to be funny, yet I was not really laughing. To say that I don't get your writing would be only your assumption. You don't know me, my sense of humour or my level of ... well anything.

I was having a debate with you and then I thought that I should read at least one of your hubs. I would recommend for you to shorten your writing, but then again, I tend to write too much myself.

If you want to write, the support of your family would be nice, but you can't have everything. It is your life after all. I saw a quotation somewhere "When a writer is born into a family, the family is ruined".

What can I say? If you feel you should write, write.

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