Proven Ways to Rid Your Life of Telemarketers

is this "YOU" whenever your phone rings?

Just read my story and keep your pretty hair. Telemarketers can be dealt with successfully.
Just read my story and keep your pretty hair. Telemarketers can be dealt with successfully. | Source

I am not about being ugly toward anyone. Not even the stray dog that runs free in the neighborhood scouting for a hand-out.

And to add the “icing on the cake,” I am really, at heart, a person who strives to be friendly to people I meet.

But, besides people running for political office, there is another group of people that really “get under my skin.”

And I think you know of whom I am speaking. The telemarketers. Yeah, those people.

Did you forget them?

Well, thanks to someone much wiser than me, the “No Call List,” was a stroke of genius. I really mean it. There is no telling at the hours of endless, annoying, and pointless hours this one thing saved us free American’s when we were tucked-in safe and snug in our own homes.

As I believe it, this “No Call List,” is a list of people who do NOT want any calls, anytime, about anything from any telemarketer working for any company.

But sadly, some of the more-intelligent telemarketer groups have found a neat loophole or two in this list and recently “I” have been the “victim,” (yes, “victim.” I call it like I see it) of a few die-hard telemarketers who literally have to have skin as thick as three inches for how they continue to call me and get the same result: “no thanks.”

For example. This nameless credit card company has called me almost three times a week and it’s the same spill: “time is running out on our low interest rate offer. Hit “one” for live operator to discuss how much you can save by saying “yes,” to this block-buster deal that we are offering.”

Okay. I did in fact, hit “one,” for a live operator. I guess that meant a human operator for a lifeless operator would be of no use to me or their company.

And sure enough, this live operator came on the line, “yes, is this Kenneth?” “yes,” I would reply. “and how much credit card debt do you owe?” the live operator would ask.

“none,” I would reply each time this company would call me during the daytime.

“none?” live operator would gasp.

“right. None,” I’d reply.

And before live operator could regroup into giving me a “Jim Dandy” sales pitch for a credit card that has, as you may know, “no annual fees,” I would quickly ask, “why do you keep calling me when I do “not” use any credit card?”

Then the cold sound of live operator hanging-up on me and continuing her search for another “sucker.”

This harassments finally stopped. And I am still not using a credit card from anyone.

But a few years ago, long before the “No Call List,” was launched, “I” came up with a few ingenious ways to frustrate the endless parade of telemarketers who made it their goal to sell me anything and everything ranging from a remote lawnmower to a robot chef “that my wife would have loved,” according to the telemarketer.

So I extend a hearty-welcome to you to enjoy (and use) my “Proven Ways to Rid Your Life of Telemarketers.”

1.) START YELLING as if you were yelling at someone in the room with you. When the telemarketer says, “what’s going on?” You say, “what do you mean? I am talking to you,” and yell again. Soon, this telemarketer will realize that you are “not the tire in the car with the most tread,” and hang up.

2.) SELL THE TELEMARKETER some bogus item that you are selling. Give them time to give you their sales pitch, then you go into your speech about a product you are selling that is the “best thing since fresh lettuce.” Do not give up. Even if the telemarketer gets irritated. And they will. Mark my words, but they will soon “throw in the towel,” and you can relax.

3.) WHISPER YOUR ANSWERS to the telemarketer. Talk about “creeping them out.” This move will do that. Ask if you can take them out to dinner. And when. Act romantic and sultry. Your telemarketer worries may be a thing of the past.

4.) GET A BLOW-DRYER (remember those?) and blow the hot air directly into the phone. “I can’t hear you that well,” the telemarketer will complain. “oh, it’s just the wind. I am in my expensive Rolls Royce convertible,” and I wager that you will not be buying a newly-found “cure for common mange,” found in most stray dogs.
And with number 5, below, you can sharpen your acting skills and have a great time freeing yourself of pesky telemarketers.

5.) IN A LOUD, ANGRY VOICE say, “how did you get “this” number?” Do not give the telemarketer time to respond. Again, and much-louder, “I said, where did “you” get “this number?” We are on a high-level detective operation and unless you want “us” to trace the number you are using, I suggest that you get lost.” Great news. The telemarketer “will” get lost.

6.) SING THE WORST SONG YOU CAN FIND to the telemarketer and then have the gall to ask if they have a request. By now the telemarketer is in shock. Then hit them with “you need to charge” for singing on the phone, so you will need their credit card number and as soon as you say this, listen for a familiar silence on their end of the phone.

7.) SAY THIS IN A DEEP BASS VOICE: “do you “really” want to know whom you are talking to?” “Do ya’?” If the telemarketer is a pro, he or she will be persistent, but each time they start-up again, get a lot more deeper with your voice and say, “if you only knew who I was, you would start a new job tomorrow selling cars.” If you do your job, this telemarketer will quit his job at the end of the day and start working for “Lucky Eddie’s Best Deals on Four Wheels,” a used car lot somewhere in Phoenix.

8.) BE SO EVASIVE that the telemarketer will literally “lose it.” Example: Telemarketer: Sir, may I talk to you for only a minute? YOU: Who? Telemarketer: You, sir. YOU: I don’t need a job, son. I am fixed good monetarily. Telemarketer: No, sir. This isn’t about a job. YOU: Hey, bub, I ain’t never played Lurch on The Addams Family, so I think you have a wrong number. Keep this up as long as you can and before long, your dream of having a quiet, relaxing day without any calls from any telemarketers will become a reality.

9.) LEAD THE TELEMARKETER in prayer. As much as he can stand. After he starts trying to get you to buy the newest appliance on the market, “an electronic apple skinner,” stop him and say, “son, we need to pray.” Then pray. The telemarketer will not know how to handle this and after a few prayers, he will be the one leaving.

10.) DO IMPRESSION OF BARACK OBAMA and you will be treated to a telemarketer gasp in shock, wheeze in disbelief and after you say, “son, you don’t need to be calling the Commander-in-Chief on his day off at his secret cabin, so good day.” You will then have unspeakable peace and President Obama will appreciate the free voice ad.

As an bonus to these “Proven Ways to Rid Your Life of a Telemarketer,” I am throwing-in this list of asinine questions that you can ask any telemarketer between his looking to see what the finance charges are on your “new commode polishing kit.”

And when you ask these questions, do not chuckle or even sound like you are holding back a laugh.

1.) Can you name the second man to climb Mount Everest?
2.) Who owns Purina Pet Foods?
3.) Can you speak fluent Portuguese?
4.) What country is named after a donkey?
5.) Do chickens really not have teeth?
6.) Does ground-up rhinoceros horns make good vitamins for men with stamina problems in the bedroom?
7.) Do you believe Elvis is really dead?
8.) Do you think Bozo, the Clown is really in hiding somewhere in Mexico?
9.) Can I teach my Jack Russell, “Joe,” how to talk?
10.) How much money to you make?

Now that I have pretty-much set you up with several defensive tips to use against telemarketers, plus the ten bonus asinine questions you can ask to further irritate your salesperson, I guess you are wondering, “how much is Kenneth going to charge me for all of this information?”

Not a red cent.

Not a penny, my friend

This package is free of charge and “with no strings attached.”

Just one of my followers being given a day or night of peace with no telemarketers bothering them will be payment enough.

But if taking all of my information that took loads of time to research, free, bothers you, then you might think about sending me a bucket of Bojangle’s spicy chicken on OverNight by FedEx.

All of this priceless information for the mere cost of a bucket of chicken.

Now that’s what I call a great deal.

When I do something to help my followers, it is no “poultry deal.”

Thanks for allowing me to visit with you.

"Listen! Don't call me EVER!"

Telemarketers have trouble hearing you when you tell them to stop calling you. But, if you use my advice in this story, your worries may be over.
Telemarketers have trouble hearing you when you tell them to stop calling you. But, if you use my advice in this story, your worries may be over. | Source

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Comments 28 comments

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

Hahahahaha!!! This was great! I do have my number on the famous "do not call" list. And one time, when I asked, "How did you get this number? It's unlisted AND on the 'do not call list," it was quite apparent that they did not have a computer program cross-checking their list against the 'do not call list,' for the answer I got was, "It's from a computer-generated list of all possible numbers in the area." WOW However, that is also against the do-not-call list I proceed to inform them that they have just opened up their company to a large fine for violation of said list.

What galls me about that list, though, is that certain groups are exempt, and that includes political canvassers and charitable we still get phone calls asking us to donate to the Police Activities League, and such... BAH!

As far as the robo-calls that start playing a taped message right away--those, too, are illegal...(at least here in CA)...they are SUPPOSED TO have a live person come on the line first and ask if you are willing to listen to the recorded message. Guess what? No one does, so they violate the rule with seeming impunity.

In closing, I'll tell you a funny story my very able-bodied grandfather did to a telemarketer MANY, MANY years back in the 1960's. The caller was a dance studio, trying to scam of "You've won dancing lessons at Arthur Murray's studio...blah, blah, blah..." Gramps inquired whether they were sure they had the right number and person.... "Oh, yessss...Isn't this Mr. So-and-So?" Grandpa assured them it was, but continued with, "..but there must be some mistake--you see, I've just gotten out of the hospital, and I've only got one leg!" .... Dead silence on the line...fumbled, awkward back-tracking and a dial tone followed.

Voted up, interesting and funny.

davidlivermore profile image

davidlivermore 4 years ago from Bakersfield, California, United States

One of the best ways I ditched telemarketers is to cancel my landline phone and just stick with my cell. I haven't had a telemarketer call me in over two years. Plus it saved me some coin canceling my landline.

Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 4 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

More and more people are doing this, sounds like a good idea! Three unwanted useless calls yesterday, yuk!

MamaTschet profile image

MamaTschet 4 years ago from Northern Colorado

Kenneth you are a hoot!! Love these ideas, and will try them out next time I get a call on my DO NOT CALL LIST phone! I think I may try these tips on solicitors at the door too. Despite the fact that I have a NO SOLICITING sign right under the door bell, and I have printed out the City Regulations on Soliciting laws also pasted by the door bell you would be amazed at the audacity of some people who ignore the sign. They try knocking, and then say, "Oh didn't see the sign." Or "I was told I didn't need a permit to solicit," and show me some bogus badge. I tell them to give me their phone and info and I am more than happy to call the community officer to meet them in the cul-de-sac to go over the rules.

catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Loved this! I laughed all the way through it and will definitely use some of these. The only problem is that now most of the calls are recordings, so you have no way of using these great techniques!

innerspin profile image

innerspin 4 years ago from uk

Whispering sounds like a good idea, though I admit to putting the phone down on a table and walking away. One time I really thought my elder son was calling with a put-on voice. I kept saying," Josh, quit it, I can tell it's you. Stop with the silly accent." The caller was nearly in tears, asking his supervisor for help. Hope I didn't give him a complex. Thanks for a cool hub.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, DzyMsLizzy . . .I loved your comments and the grandpa story. LOL! That WAS a fantastic story. I wish now that I had included in this hub, "speak poor foreign language to the telemarketer," example: Telemarketer: Sir, may I talk to you about a laser-powered commode? Customer: Eh? I dont-a speak-a gewd, Engwish . . .eh? Don-ta unner-stand-a . . ." keep this up over and over and the TM will hang up.

You should write a book about this grandpa story, Dzy. Its hilarious.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

David . . .great idea. I may switch to Vonage since you mentioned saving coin. DirecTV is running a special with them and doing away with my land-line would certainly help me with those computer-voiced pests who want me to lower my credit card interest rates . . .even if I dont use a credit card . . .go figure.

Thanks for the comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear Gypsy . . .go for it. With my blessings. I want you to try the one where you act like the C.I.A., "how did you get my number??? Huhhh? Answer me!" I think that any telemarketer worth his miminum wage would not go any further.

Thanks too, dear Gypsy, for your sweet input.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Mama Tschet,

I am in the presence of greatness. YOU are far-more talented in avoiding pesky salespeople via phone that I. I am your pupil. Teach me. And thanks ever so much for your kind remarks.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Catgypsy . . .you are right about those robo-calls. I never thought of that. Unless it tells you to HIT ONE for live operator, then YOU talk like a robo customer. That would get them good.

Thanks, Catgypsy, for your sweet comments and friendship.

Kenneth, Festus and Hobollenia

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, innerspin,

Thanks for sharing this hilarious story. Making the guy go to tears asking his boss for help. I love it. And yes, try whispering when the next telemarketer calls . . .but if its a man, and he says ugly things to you, you simply go into a deep voice and say, "pal, I am a man who loves to be a woman. Got a problem with that?" And you will soon hear the sweet sound of a dialtone.


PS: I cordially invite you to be one of my followers if you arent already. This way I could keep up with you and your sharp-as-a-razor sense of humor.

Suzie HQ profile image

Suzie HQ 4 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

Hi Kenneth,

What a riot this was! lol I was pestered beyond belief in my apartment on the landline, drove me nuts! It is one job I really would hate to do. Loved your suggestions and must remember for future use!! voted up, funny, useful and sharing buddy!! :-)

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Dear Suzie,

Been missing you, girl. Thanks a million for your sweet comments. I appreciate YOU very much. I think that maybe, in the near future, I may publish a hub on "How To Be a Great Telemarketer," and try to help these people out and that way, everyone will be happy.

Is this a good idea? Or not? Be honest.


Suzie HQ profile image

Suzie HQ 4 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

H! LOL . . .Why not . .sounds like a good idea Kenneth, they need a guiding hand to stop pissing people off!!! lol

Greensleeves Hubs profile image

Greensleeves Hubs 4 years ago from Essex, UK

Very good Kenneth. These 'cold calls' are one of the most irritating of things sent to try us in the modern age, and I love your suggestions for handling them. Mind you, the reverse is equally frustrating too, when you actually want to speak to someone and it's a case of 'press 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5' for various options. Then when you press a number, you get three more options, and then another five. And when you finally get the option to talk to someone about 15 minutes later, the computerised voice comes up with: 'Sorry, all our operators are busy. Please call again later,' or 'Please hold on (for about 30 minutes whilst you have to listen to excruciating music) 'Your call is important to us.' At least in your examples you're getting to talk to a real person that you can insult !!!

I love the idea of leading them in prayer, or being evasive and sounding really dim. Those are nice subtle ideas. And I particularly love the suggestion of flirting with them and inviting them out for dinner. (Mind you, in the UK many of these 'call centres' are in India, so that would be a Hell of an expensive meal!)

If all else fails; Do you think murder of a telemarketeteer would be dismissed by the courts on the grounds of 'justifiable homicide' or 'temporary insanity?'

Voted up in lots of ways. Alun.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Suzie . . .someone needs to guide them, to the nearest career center to get them a real job. Have YOU EVER heard of a person becoming a millionaire by being a telemarketer?

Think about it.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, greensleeves,

Thank you, kind friend, for your lively comment that I appreciate so much. I forgot to list that Doing Impressions of Famous People can irritate these pests to no end; but the courts just might make the murder of a telemarker a TEST CASE, or an example to show how powerful their laws are, but the murderer would get 10 years probation, 6 years community service and speaking to local schools on how NOT to lose your temper.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

And helllloooo, Penny!

Thank you kindly, for your sincere comment. I loved it. And today, I havent had ONE annoying call.

Thank God. I wish telemarketers the best, but maybe door-to-door peddling like in the old days might be a better approach.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Penny,

Y0u are right. The door-to-door gig WAS a more honest way to sell merchandise. YOU need to hub about that in reponse to this hub about telemarketing. Okay?

frogyfish profile image

frogyfish 4 years ago from Central United States of America

This was hilarious!! Fantastic! I am going to 'whisper' and if that doesn't work use #5. Your tips were great! I do think the same cc company has been calling me...I have punched #1 three times and they hang up on me when I ask for a supervisor and/or tell them I'm not interested. Dear Rachel (usually the one who calls) stopped calling for a few weeks but I got one yesterday - just punched #3 that time, so I'll whisper the next time she calls!

I'm still giggling now. Just can't wait for that next call either...

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear frogy, LOL, thanks for your wonderful comment. My work here is done.

Look carefully as you will see me ride off into the "Hub Set."

writinglover profile image

writinglover 4 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Hiya, Kenneth! I just read this and, boy, am I glad I did! My grandma is being targeted by scammers (selling her car warranties--I just wrote about this one, too). Thankfully, however, with last night's call, she told them she just bought one (she didn't) and they hung up. She's not completely helpless, but I worry just the same (just not as much). See you later!

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

Oh, I had to stop by again and share the best one yet that I just saw on Face Book. It only works for families with young children, but it's priceless.

"If a telemarketer calls, hand the phone to your 3-year-old and tell her it's Santa."

I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at that one!

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Season's Greetings, writinglover,

You are right to worry about your grandma. Scammers are such low-lives and cowards, they prey on the elderly and sometimes those of high I.Q. but always ask key questions such as: What is your company name? What is your employee number? etc., this will put the "fear of God" in them.

Thanks for your nice comment and I hope you and yours have the Best Christmas and New Year EVER!!!!

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Merry Christmas, DzyMsLizzy,

I have to admit it. This, the deterent to telemarketers you left me IS, BY FAR, THE BEST ONE EVER. But I dont have any 3-year-old's in my house. And my grandkids are too intelligent to get into a conversation with a jerk.

Thanks for YOUR comment and have a Blessed Christmas!

writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

You too, Merry Christmas!

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, writinglover,

I will do my best to have a good Christmas. If I wake up on Christmas Day, have food, shelter and clothing and my grandkids, wife, and daughter and her husband are in good health and happy . . .then I am of most men, blessed.

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