Signs That a Used Car Lot is Shutting Down
"You can trust me even with my nick-name, "Bilker "Snake" Jipper."
How it starts
You are minding your own business and the phone rings. Out of habit you answer, "Hello."
A nice-sounding voice replies, "Hi, Jim? Jim Rumpp? Do not hang up. I am not a shady telemarketer, but I am known by my nick-name, "Too Honest" Bill "Porky" Lampstein with "Too Honest Used Cars" on sixth street and I need you to get down to our lot in the morning and save over two thousand bucks on this gem-of-a-one-owner used 2015 Buick with only 12,000 actual miles. I will not keep you any longer. Just show up tomorrow at 9:30 a.m. and ask for "Too Honest" Bill and I will take care of you personally."
Don't you feel pampered? Don't you feel special? You should. This guy went out of his way to make you feel as if you were "the" most important person in the universe. And you believed every word out of his mouth. You cannot wait to get down to "Too Honest Used Cars" in the morning by 9:30 a.m. to look at this 2015 Buick.
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On time and looking sharp in your recently-pressed pleated slacks, Florsheim shoes and matching sport suit. You literally bounce on air and walk through the front door where you see this gorgeous brunette working the reception desk.
"Yes, may I help you?" she coos.
"Uh, yeah. I need to see this "Too Honest" Bill "Porky" Lampstein--he calleld me yesterday and told me to be here at this time to look at a great deal on a 2015 Buick," you reply now out of breath.
"Excuse me? Uhh, (giggle), Bill who?" she replies looking at you like you are a fool. "Sir, there is no person here by that name." she adds.
"But, uhhh, he called . . .and . . ." you cannot explain before you are interrupted.
"Hey, may I help you? My name is Jim Bentley, the general sales manager and I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. Did you say a "Too Honest" Bill called you?"
"Yes. Where is he?" you ask impatiently.
"Son, there is no one here by that name. I am afraid you have been scammed by a competitor of ours who is known by his shady tactics to undermine us and get our customers. Can you believe that there is such a guy in this friendly town?" Jim explains.
Now you have swallowed the hook, line and sinker. This Jim person is treating you extra friendly and now he will offer you virtually the same car, same actual mileage with nearly the same amount of savings.
But fate is on your side. Before Jim can get your signature on a sales agreement for some car he has shown you and you really liked the car, you just happen to look out of his window and see a Mayflower moving van backing up to a side door. This makes you edgy.
Story continued below photo below . . .
You should feel edgy. This is just one of the . . .
Signs That a Used Car Lot is Shutting Down
- The salesman talking to you cannot look you in the eyes. He keeps looking from side to side as if someone is watching him. Note: Someone is watching him. Two undercover cops from the bunko division.
- When you walk into the showroom, a policeman is frisking one of the mechanics from the shop. You overhear the cop say, "You are under arrest for stealing a customer's diamond ring that he had in his glove compartment. You stole it while his car was in this shop."
- The car lot owner is wearing a Groucho Marx mask--big moustache, dark horn rim glasses and fake nose to complete the outfit.
- The car salesman dealing with you talks to you in his office but the lights are off. Not for atmosphere, but the electric company has turned off the car lot's electricity.
- You happen to view a secretary frantically tearing down all banners and names of the car lot that were hanging in full view of the public.
- A locksmith or two are already at work changing the locks on the front and back doors.
- Four car haulers are lining up and loading what existing cars are left on the car lot.
- Men and women are tying up the phones applying for jobs at other places as you walk toward the salesman's office. One salesman even asks you for a job.
- A van with the logo "BBB" which stands for Better Business Bureau is parked near the office of this car lot and two gentleman with expensive suits and RayBans are headed toward the office of the car lot owner.
- You hear a man tell one of the secretaries, "My name is Bobby Gilbert of Gilbert's Down Home Pork Sausage, and I need someone to show me around this building. I am thinking about buying it for my new branch location."
Good night, Erie, Pennsylvania.
© 2016 Kenneth Avery
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