Stuff You Probably Shouldn't Say at Work... Even If It's True

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When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong

Jobs - most of us have them. Jobs give us a place to go to each day so we can't spend as much time with family and friends as we'd like. Jobs also put money in our pocket so we have a place to live and don't starve. Oh jobs! Where would we be without them? At any rate, since we've established that we pretty much have to work, in order to keep our jobs there are many things we'd like to say, but we can't. If we were brutally honest at work, we would lose our jobs. So basically, we sit there tense and not able to say what really needs to be said.

In case you are new to the work scene or perhaps you are just not very bright, I would like to help you out by creating a list of phrases you shouldn't really say at work. Do you know why you are so tired at the end of each day? It takes a lot of energy to keep your mouth shut every time you'd like to keep it real with the boss. In general, there's just some stuff you can't say at work... even if it is true.

A handy list of phrases you should keep to yourself while at work:

  1. Who brought in that horrifically ugly puppy? Oh, that's the boss's newborn baby? Ummm...
  2. Wow! I totally feel revitalized after taking that 2 hour nap in my cubicle!
  3. Sure, I clocked in and then went to Denny's. I came back after stopping at Target. It only took about 3 hours.
  4. Hold on, I can't help you just yet. I am in the middle of a game of Tetris.
  5. No, that is not in my job description.
  6. If you are looking for an honest opinion, Boss, you do really look fat in those pants.
  7. No, I don't recall having a meeting about that. Oh wait, this was yesterday? That is right! I was daydreaming and playing solitaire on my phone.
  8. If I only had a blow torch, I could fix everything here!
  9. Answer the phone? Nah, I like to let it ring. I just know if I pick it up it is going to be some annoying customer asking for help.
  10. Please keep quiet... I am trying to focus on filling out this online job application.
  11. I just googled the word "embezzlement." Wow... so many good ideas!
  12. When did you hire her? She's been here for 2 months!
  13. No, I refuse. I wish to keep what morsel of dignity I have left. Oh, I see. I can either keep my dignity or keep my job.
  14. I've been doing some math, and quite frankly, I don't feel that you are paying me enough.
  15. Be nice to our customers? Really? Was I supposed to be doing that all along?
  16. I just sneezed all over the donuts. I hope everyone is OK with that.
  17. Sorry I couldn't come in to work yesterday. I was busy catching up on episodes of Conan on TBS On Demand.
  18. Whew! Don't bother going back in that bathroom for at least another hour! Too many beans for me last night!
  19. Can someone hand me my nail polish? I am going to get some important work done at my desk today.
  20. Oh, so you were serious about me coming in each day at 8? I thought that was surely a joke. I like to sleep in.
  21. I am supposed to listen to what my boss tells me to do? I thought his ideas were merely suggestions, not orders.
  22. Good afternoon, welcome to Dr. Smith's office where no one cares and we hope you leave as quickly as possible.
  23. If he steals my lunch out the fridge one more time, I am stapling his mouth shut!
  24. Have I ever told you about my large gun collection?
  25. No, I don't really have a child. I've just had this photo on my desk for the past 2 years so I could use this fake kid as an excuse to take off from work. My fake kid is often sick!
  26. I would come in to work more often, but gas actually costs more than what you are paying me, so economically it doesn't make sense.
  27. Can we have a "clothes optional" theme for the next company potluck?
  28. But wait... I have an opinion...


Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle

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Comments 23 comments

theclevercat profile image

theclevercat 4 years ago from Massachusetts

I love #22. It cracked me up!


Vellur profile image

Vellur 4 years ago from Dubai

Ha Ha!!!! Great hub. Entertaining to the core. Love reading all your hubs, it brings on a big smile which makes life definiely worthwhile. Voted up.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

theclevercat - I would like to answer the phone like that sometimes at work. :-) Thanks for dropping by!

Vellur - I am glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the vote up!


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 4 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

#28 does it for me. It's a sure way to get you fired when you air that opinion to your boss's boss. Great read! Up and funny.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 4 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

I don't know how many times I've suggested that the lab get an answering machine:

Press one for lab results (or consult your computer)

Press two for "No your results are not ready yet, when they are they will be posted to your computer terminal).

Press three for "That test will be out in another 15 minutes"

Press four for "No personal calls allowed."

Press five for the next available technologist (then press three)

Press six for the boss

Press seven for Helpful hints on consulting your computer instead of the phone.

Press eight to leave a message that no one will pay attention to.

Press nine to call the pharmacy (or other area) instead of the lab.

Press zero to be directed to someone who gives a flip.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Sally's Trove - I am glad you liked #28. I added that this morning as an afterthought. It seems like that is always the phrase that gets me in trouble the most. :-) Thanks for the votes!

Austinstar - I would like to have the press seven option at my job. It would be helpful if people learned how to be self-sufficient. I have now made it a goal in my life to teach more people how to figure it out on their own. ;-) Thanks for sharing!


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

#23 is my favorite because I have used it. I finally quit taking my lunch to the faculty room because they couldn't be trusted. Evidently the stuff I packed was better than the fruit and veggies they packed. Ho-Ho's were always gone and that really pissed me off. Great hub and funny, funny and more funny.


Gypsy48 profile image

Gypsy48 4 years ago

Love this hub! Your list is so true. At times I have had to really keep my mouth shut, but my favorite line is my head is "no one really cares what you think!"


incomeguru profile image

incomeguru 4 years ago from Lagos

All the phrases listed in this hub should be avoided in the work place, if you probably don't want to get fired by your boss. Shared and voted up! Thanks


StellaSee profile image

StellaSee 4 years ago from California

Jeannie, I'm so guilty of many things you write on this hub here..especially number 10! I'm always doing something else while I'm sitting at my desk..so bad ;D


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

billybuc - I've worked at offices where people steal your food, too. Thankfully our one food thief at my current job quit, so all our leftovers and lunch bags are safe now. Thanks for the votes!

Gypsy48 - It is so difficult keeping my mouth shut sometimes. I am known as being "negative" when I am really just stating an obvious truth. People don't always appreciate that. Thanks for the comment!

incomeguru - I will I could work at a place where I could say some of these things, but you are right, you just can't. Thanks for sharing and for the votes!

StellaSee - Hahaha... I've done #10 before at really bad jobs in the past. I call it multitasking... but it really is so awful to do that. Thanks for the comment!


lambservant profile image

lambservant 4 years ago from Pacific Northwest

Can't tell you now many times I have said # 23.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Wow, there is a lot of food theft going on at jobs! Thanks for dropping by.


Alecia Murphy profile image

Alecia Murphy 4 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

I think people use #5 but I hope not #25, that's low. But that's like that guy on Survivor who said his granny died to get the win. But yeah I agree some people don't know when to be quiet or what to be quiet about. Some people have TMI disease to the extreme! As always, a great read Jeannie!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

I don't know... sometimes I think I should try #25. Everyone else gets to take off whenever they want because of kids. Thanks for dropping by!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Oh Lela messed up! It should have been "press one for English!" gosh! Lol

You are right again Jeannie - sometimes keeping it real - not such a good idea:) haha!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Keeping it real at work never gets you anywhere. I've learned that the hard way, yet I still continue to do it. Go figure! Thanks for visiting my hub.


mollymeadows profile image

mollymeadows 4 years ago from The Shire

Jeannie, I once worked at a place where one of my coworkers stole money out of unattended purses. How about: "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Wow! That is awful. Apparently we had a thief like that at my office before I got there. I can't believe how low some people will go. Thanks for the comment.


jpcmc profile image

jpcmc 4 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

This is really hilarious. I love 11 and 16.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Thanks so much! I am happy you enjoyed my hub! :-)


Anthony Binks profile image

Anthony Binks 4 years ago from Northern Ireland

Great funny Hub, if only we could really say these without getting sacked.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Yes, I really wish I could be totally honest at work. However, I need a job, so I shut my mouth. Thanks for the comment!

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