"The Beautification Of Saint Mom"

I am a Copywrting student at http://www.awaionlne.com Here is the review of my fist assignment by a professional copywriter there, if you are interested. Thanks for visiting.

REVIEWED - Terry Chestnutt's Revised Restaurant Letter

  • May 10, 2014 02:17

"Come With Me To 'Peace And Quiet',
The New And 'Uniquely Familiar' Family Restaurant"


Dear Mom,
Can you imagine the Archbishop of the Cleveland Catholic diocese attending your birthday celebration with us this Thursday? Can you come? Yes, I still dream of such things.


Better yet, imagine a beautiful black stretch limo, all smart and sparkling, rolling up to the house and mysteriously coming to a cold stop.


"For my birthday?" You might wonder, "Who would do that?"


You step onto the porch and try to see through the limo's spotless tinted driver- side window as it describes a precise arc while the door swings slowly open. Still you can't see who it is.


Out steps, of all people, your husband of 47 years, my dad, the best man you and I have counted on all our long lives together. And he is dressed in the sharpest blue suit you have ever seen! Blue as midnight! What does it for me is the way those aviator sunglasses of his shatter the glory of the high noon sun. He'll be there for you.


And wait til you taste those "Guest of Honor" steaks he ordered for us. They melt in your mouth like hot biscuits and Vermont's finest freshly churned butter. Yummy!


There is something else I want to mention here but I'll get to that later. For now let me tell you more about this restaurant.


For one thing, it is very quiet. There is not gonna be any boom boxes or radios, not even cell phones sounding off and upsetting the wonderful quiet of the place. They don't allow it.


No shirt, no shoes, no service. No one is going to embarrass you or make you shake your sensible head and wonder what the world is coming too. Not at all.
And drinks are served away from the dining ares; far away. You don't have to worry about anyone getting out of hand. Never happens.


The place is nothing but peace and quiet from start to finish. In fact, that is what it is called; "Peace And Quiet." Look at their ad:


"Come With Me 'To Peace And Quiet'-
The 'Uniquely Familiar' Family Restaurant"

"Dear Friend,

If you are like me then you, like many others these days, are not eating out as often. To you, like to many of the baby boom generation, family restaurants are not looking and feeling like they used to. It is only the fashions that have changed, I am sure, but it can be a little disconcerting for Mom and Dad when cardigan sweaters are left at home in favor of motorcycle jackets and cleavage goes a lot further than it used too. Is that really appropriate for our older and wiser best friends?

At "Peace And Quiet" - the Uniquely Familiar Family Restaurant" we understand. So we have created, and insist on, a better dining experience that is every bit as relaxing and safe as dining ever was, no matter how far back your fondest memories go. If you think that is kind of unusual, we agree. And that's why we call ourselves "Uniquely Familiar."


  • Gone are the loud talkers who verbally snipe and other patrons. You won't get pulled into an unpleasant exchange.


  • Gone are mini skirts and see through blouses. You will look upon the delicious visual beauty of an artful plate with out eye poking distractions.


  • Gone are your concerns for those who come only for alcoholic beverages. The bar is located away from the main dining room. Join them later if you like.


  • Gone are the beeping cell phones and other high tech apparatus. The hotspot is in another part of the facilities so you won't be puzzling over anything but which mouth watering entrĂ©e suits your palette best of all.


  • Gone are all things that might make Mom and Dad uncomfortable. You're going to love it!

Here is what "uniquely familiar" means to some of our frequent guests:


"1)Nice atmosphere
2)Kind service
3)The salmon bruschetta was heaven. It was a long time I have not tasted something so delicious.
4)The toilets were properly maintained and clean
5)Plenty of parking lots" -Gustavo T.

"I had dinner over the weekend, I did not come in with high expectations but was pleasantly surprised. Good food, great service and decent prices." - Ned C.

"Best service (John and Alexa) I have experienced in a restaurant in a while. The food was well-prepared and well-presented, too" . Jeff H.

"I love coming here. I don't come to often but it is always a great place to eat at. Service great and clean inside.

The food is good and hot to the end. I love the breadsticks and tried the Garlic Rosemary Chicken, it was great. The server very nice and smiles and working hard. All the staff is busy getting the food out "- William Y

Thus report some of our many satisfied guests of the uniquely familiar. Join them at "Peace And Quiet Family Restaurant" for our unique buy one plate-get 2-extra-plates free on Sundays. Yes, that's 2 free meals of equal value with the purchase of 1 on Sunday's this month only."

*******

Sounds good, Ma, huh?

There is one thing, though, that is really spooky. "Peace And Quiet" went up right next to the RTA downtown office. You can pick up that paratranisit pass for seniors you been meaning to get while we are there. From then on in you can ride the special senior bus anywhere in town, door to door, for $2.25 each way, there and back. You're gonna love it!

I sure am looking forward to the big day, after all I have heard and read about the 'uniquely familiar,' Mom. Call me when you get this letter to let me know you are coming, OK?

By the way, Father McNalty will be there. He is taking time off special. He didn't say why. It is a surprise, is all he would tell me. But he said he would call me soon. How is that volunteer work you're doing with him coming along? Sister Audrey will be there too. Did she say anything?

Call me!

Your Adoring Son,
Terry


P.S. "No one lights a candle and hides it under a basket, but places it on a lamp stand that it give light to everyone in the house..."-Jesus


When you call and confirm I'll tell you what the good Father had to say.

REVIEW

Hi Terry,

Great work on submitting a revised letter based on a reviewer's feedback. It's a great learning tool and practice for the real world of working with clients.

Let's take a look.

First, your new headline. It's better. But not all the way there. In general, naming a product in the headline doesn't work well because then the prospect thinks they know the whole story, so to speak, and is less likely to read on.

Your lead is pretty good. You set the scene well. Sounds like a special day and special meal planned. And the restaurant sounds like the perfect place for you prospect. Good job knowing what your prospect prefers. That skill will serve you well as you do research for future clients. Overall, your descriptions really paint a Picture (one of the 4 P's) and make the whole scenario come alive in the mind of the prospect.

For Proof, you include several testimonials. Outside opinions like this are key in backing up your claims. So good job there.

Overall, a lot of improvement here, Terry. Good luck on future projects.

J. Holland


AWAI Reviewer

Edited: May 15, 2014 09:37PM

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