The Unwanted Office Worker
If you work in an office
then you know the type of coworker I am talking about in this hub. Oh it's a touchy subject, this "unusual" sort. The coworker that you go home to your lovely wife and "spill your guts" over a vodka martini and hope to feel better. But you don't. "This," let us say, "special" coworker somehow has seeded, or rather impregnated every office, old or modern, in the American business sector. And it's perfectly legal. Even the Federal Government backs his (or her) kind up.
This is not a racist thing
it's a decency thing. A respect thing. A common-sense thing that all coworkers, in an office or digging a ditch, should have. But somehow, "this" certain coworkers meanders his way into your life without being invited and you, being the civil-minded office worker that you are. The Employee of The Month two years ago for being so cooperative with your superiors and coworkers, never brings it to your your boss' attention even in those private, one-on-one meetings behind closed doors when all things said are kept in the strictest of confidence. No, you simply bear this unfitting coworker while a burning ulcer forms in the pit of your stomach and causes you misery each passing workday.
THIS IS "NOT' WHOM THIS HUB IS ABOUT
This Hub Is To . . .
inform. Wake you up. And raise the drowsy awareness of the "unwanted coworker" who is, and let's be honest, making your office a circus of miscues, miscommunications and confusion. Maybe a few lost friends. But this certain coworker really doesn't care. He really doesn't want a job. He had rather hang-out at some "7-11," slug cherry slurpies, munch pretzels and watch the pretty single girls pump their own gas. You know the type. And your desk is probably next to his.
All Of This Time . . .
you thought that this certain coworker was a participant in some Federal Government Special Needs Employment Program, but after a few months of watching this lazy individual who enjoys watching work pile up into insurmountable mounds on his desk, you have come to the startling conclusion that this guy, or may this woman, is not that suited for office work. But you have kept these amazing deductions to yourself. You are not a troublemaker. You need your job, for in today's shaky job market, your job is priceless--even with "Lazy Larry," at your side. You have a mortgage, a car payment, insurance, club fees, two kids in college and groceries to buy each week. Why make waves? You can stand it. Or can you?
Please Allow Me To Tell You, The Unaware, Gullible Office Worker,
How To Spot "The" Unwanted Office Worker . . .
This unwanted office worker is never on time. Never. You and your other coworkers, who value your jobs, are on time everyday. Monday through Friday. Sometimes on Saturday. But not the "unwanted" office worker. He casually strolls into the office and plops down at his messy desk and gazes at you with that dumb look on his unshaven face while your stomach and colon becomes tied in knots due to the obvious non-caring attitude of this non-office worker.
This unwanted office worker talks too loud even at break time. When you and your best friend, "Todd," are talking about a sensitive, personal issue, "this" bum butts-into your conversation without being asked. And interjects ignorant, useless things that are not relevant to the subject. You and "Todd" try your best to be cordial, but even "Todd," a deacon in his church, is growing frustrated at this jerk's office demeanor. But you and humble "Todd," simply chuckle and hope that being passive will work with this particular problem. Guess what? It don't.
This unwanted office worker wears dirty shoes. Every day. His shoes look like shoes that rednecks wear to "mud derbies" where their 4x4 Ford Super Duty trucks race through sloppy mud holes to win a case of Miller beer. Even his socks don't match. When he does wear socks. You nudge "Todd" each day when "Mr. Messy Shoes" reports to work. An hour late. He puts his messy shoes on his desk and places his hands behind his head and says, "What?" when you and "Todd" are caught gazing at his sloppy appearance. You pray to God, often, that your prim, proper and conservative boss with a Quaker background will say something to this guy for how he shows up for work, but your boss just smiles at him and tells you and "Todd," to hurry up with your sales quota's for the month while "Messy Shoes" entertains himself with the paging system on his phone.
This unwanted office worker makes it his business to open all the mail that comes through your office each day. And takes it on himself to read personal mail to all who will listen. "Looks like Barry's got a phone bill behind on payments, and whoo-eee, Margie's gynecology appointment has been postponed again," are samples of how rude and uncaring this guy really is. He even stands up when he reads personal mail out loud. Then helps himself to yet a fourth cup of office coffee and ignores the contribution box where employees donate voluntary fees to help with buying the coffee. As he gluts his fourth cup of coffee, he swaggers by the attractive divorcee, Margie, and bends down behind her and looks over her shoulder as she types a work order and says, "Hmmm, babe, is it spring time? I sure smell a garden of fresh flowers--no, wait! It's you, babe," and sits his rump down on her desk to make time with her as the piles of work continue to get higher on his desk.
This unwanted office worker unbuckles his gaudy redneck barroom belt, undoes his wrinkled slacks to put his shirt tail in. This is a rare moment, for usually, "Billy Bum" lets his dirty shirt tail hang out from underneath his suit coat. And his outdated tie that never matches his wrinkled shirt that always gives off the odor of nicotine, burns your eyes if you have to be close to him when you discuss his work assignments. But that too is a waste of time. "Okay. Right. I'm on it," are things "Billy Bum" says to you and winks. You hear him sigh with relaxation as you walk away and you instantly know that your boss with the Quaker background will look to you, not "Billy Bum" to tell him why "Billy Bum's" work assignments are three weeks behind.
This unwanted office worker disobeys the large sign that reads, "ABSOLUTELY NO SMOKING IN BREAK ROOM" and light up one Winston after another while exhaling the obnoxious smoke in your direction while you are trying to eat the lunch that your lovely wife, "Sue" made for you. The lunch consists of tuna salad sandwiches, two to be exact. A pickle. One banana. And a Little Debbie Swiss Chocolate Cake that "Billy Bum" notices and takes from your lunch bag and says, "Little Debbie, huh? My mom buys these things every week. I love 'em." You see, "Billy Bum" age 38, still lives with his mom. His dad died of a heart attack due to an excessive amount of stress probably caused by "Billy Bum" who just wouldn't leave home.
This unwanted office worker takes "sick days" every week. At least two. And he's never sick. Healthy as a horse. Never brings the boss a doctor's excuse. The boss just pats him on the back and takes up a collection of money from you and your office workers to help "Billy Bum" get well. Along with the $600.00 cash, you are ordered to take "Billy Bum" to lunch at the finest restaurant in town to lift his spirits. And you "foot the bill," for your boss doesn't want "Billy Bum's" feelings hurt.
This unwanted office worker "digs" into your personal business by asking you in front of "Todd," and other male coworkers, "Hey, buddy. I hear that you aren't keeping Sue satisfied in the boudoir. Need my help? Haw, haw," Of course you wonder how "Billy Bum" found out your wife's name, so you ask him straight-up how he uncovered this vital personal information. "Just flirted with "Jackie," in personnel and she was glad to give up your wife's name," he brags. "Todd" and your male friends look ashamed. Embarrassed. But you stand and take it like the soft-hearted man that you are. To make it worse, "Billy Bum" jots down his phone number to give to your wife and winks at you as he plops back down in his chair to gaze out the window and day dream the day away.
This unwanted office worker pulls the ultimate "social blunder," and just shows up at your house for dinner on the night that your kids are home from college and you and "Sue" are having a family get-together. You answer the door. You see "Billy Bum" still dressed in what he wore three days in a row to work. "Can I help you?" you ask in a Christian tone. "Guess what, sport? The boss told me where you lived and, haw, haw, suggested that I have dinner with you," he replies while pushing you aside as he lumbers into your living room. "Sue," dressed in her finest evening wear, sees "Billy Bum" and asks in her usual feminine voice, "Say, huh, (talking to you), who is your, uh, guest?" "My name's Jim Dillard. They call me "J-Dill, for short. What's that great aroma? We having game hen tonight?" he blurts out heading to the dining room. Your two college-student kids are in shock at such a "bum" inviting himself to a free meal at your expense. He stays long after "Sue" and the kids are in bed and talks your ear off about why he feels shunned by people at work and other places.
This unwanted office worker has this barbaric habit of belching in the office after he finishes whomever's lunch he devours. He never brings his own lunch. Or goes out to lunch. But will go with you and your friends and always says, "That is so weird--me leaving my wallet at home. Must have a mental block about that. Oh well, looks like lunch is on you, pal." And it is. For the fifteenth time. And his belching wouldn't be so bad except he gets in your face when he lets loose of the intenstinal gas. And sometimes, when your nerves are at their end and stress has all but eaten you alive, he backs up to you and passes gas and laughs at you for turning pale with nausea.
If This Hub, "The Unwanted Office Worker," Were Made Into A Film . . .
The unwanted office worker, "Billy Bum" would be Billy Bob Thornton. And George Clooney would be cast as you, or maybe Tom Hanks. But you know that this dream is just that. Just a dream that has no chance of materializing.
But at least, and I'm talking to the office workers who are currently working with someone like "Billy Bum" you know how to spot this type of office worker.
I wish I had the civil solution for this problem, but many companies frown on beating people like "Billy Bum" up with your fist. Or complaining to the boss about them for people like "Billy Bum" may have personal problems and you don't want to be sued by his court-appointed lawyer. Do you?
I suggest these two options: A. transfer to another office or B. become a "Billy Bum" yourself. The food is free and you can do pretty much whatever you want.
Hopefully, "Sue," and your two kids in college will be compassionate and understanding. And they can go with you on one of your uninvited dinner dates.
NO WONDER THIS MODERN OFFICE WORKER IS SMILING
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I cannot hide my life any longer.