Top 10 Jobs During the Zombie Apocalypse

Top 10 Jobs During the Zombie Apocalypse

No one expects a zombie apocalypse, but everyone can be prepared to maintain a consistent employment record during such an event. We present the top 10 jobs for which to be prepared in the event of zombie madness or zombie mania or killer zombie attacks.

  1. Farm Implement sharpener: Splitting open the head of a slow-moving zombie becomes much easier with a freshly sharpened pickax or garden shovel. Customers will line up at your door if you can provide timely sharpening services.
  2. Translator: Many terrified zombie enthusiasts have no idea that zombie moans and shrieks actually mean something. As a certified Zombie Translator, you will earn the admiration and respect of your fellow apocalyptic denizens. Be prepared for the inevitable zombie negotiations as they gather outside your back door and shove their scabby hands through the shattered glass.
  3. Zombie Database Manager: To many fearful humans, all zombies look alike. Thinking that they killed a particular zombie, only to have that zombie or a very similar-looking zombie appear on the car roof and stick his pain-ravaged face through the sunroof can be somewhat disconcerting. Managers of Zombie information will be in high demand when the zombies attack in large numbers: someone has to keep track of who is actually dead and who is merely undead.
  4. Zombie Shop Steward: Zombies may posses inhuman strength and an extremely high pain tolerance, but they self-organize very poorly. They tend to attack without a particular goal: obviously they crave human flesh, but rarely do they succeed in their quest. Getting them to pay dues may be problematic, but they will certainly appreciate your interest in their career path.
  5. Zombie Day Care:No self-respecting zombie wants to drag the zombie children on an extended trudge across a corn field or a march down main street.
  6. Zombie DJ: Zombies prefer country music unless they have had their ears removed by a stump grinder, then they favor rap music.
  7. Zombie Movie Reviewer: Even undead zombies with pitchforks protruding from their sternums prefer not to waste time on tired and uninspired zombie movies. Consider purchasing the domain IZMDB.com.
  8. Zombie Taylor: Nazi Zombies constantly need help with period-correct armbands and medals. Martial Arts Zombies get their black belts caught in band saws.
  9. George Romero Impersonator: Zombies are extremely loyal and will flock to your Zombie tribute show in Las Vegas. Many zombies adore Elvis Presley because, like them, no one is truly sure if he's actually dead.
  10. Wake Up Service: Physical and emotional exhaustion sets in quickly when battling zombie hordes. Zombie Apocalypse survivors require reliable time checks in order to avoid sundown zombie attacks. Post your fliers at hospitals and seemingly abandoned farmhouses.
  11. Tell people where to get Zombified: Evidently getting transmorgriphied into an Internet Cartoon Zombie has become wildly popular. You can't swing a dead Halloween cat without splashing its' guts on an Internet web site offering to zombie me or zombie you. A useful service both before and after unexpected Zombie domination events might be a "turn yourself into a cartoon Zombie" advisory clearing house.

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Comments 9 comments

Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 6 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

What about a Zombie dentist? What good is a zombie who can't eat flesh?


Tom Whitworth profile image

Tom Whitworth 6 years ago from Moundsville, WV

nicomp,

I'm a zombie stenographer. I can't even make out my own typing when I'm done!!!!!!!!!!!! Spell check doesn't correct homonynms!!!!!!!!!!!!


psychicdog.net profile image

psychicdog.net 6 years ago

This is such a ridiculous hub, I loved it! and heh, Nicomp, what about zombie bandage attendant? Zombie bandages are always coming off and need attention.


sligobay profile image

sligobay 6 years ago from east of the equator

Creative genius is what I call this totally ridiculous Hub. Hollywood has nothing "dat you aint got". But,for whatever reason, this line tickled me to laughter that knocked me from my chair: "Zombie DJ: Zombies prefer country music unless they have had their ears removed by a stump grinder, then they favor rap music." Perhaps, I also prefer country music. Cheers.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Sligobay: Thank you for your kind words. Now, get thee to a Zombie site!


... 6 years ago

dude thats 11


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@... : No charge!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee

This is extrememly useful information and I never considered the actual results of a zombie apocalypse, as in a down economy where it'll be hard to find a job that meets the current demands. These are all useful positions, and I'd like to be a zombie negotiator, simply because I'm against violence and believe that zombies are people, too, and just because they're dead, doesn't mean they no longer have the right to vote or to a fair trial. I'm pretty sure all that zombies are saying when they moan is that they want to eat your brains, but I might be mistaken in my biased views of zombies, and once I actually learn their language, maybe I'll discover that they're all just misunderstood and want to be loved. Maybe they just want a hug, and when people shriek and back away, or try to hit them with a shovel, the zombie gets overly defensive.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@What Is Q: We do have an opening for Zombie Negotiator Level 1.

This is an entry-level position but advancement is typically rapid for obvious reasons.

You must be willing to travel, usually to seemingly deserted farmhouses and shopping malls. Previously demonstrated survival skillz in the Zombie Zones is a plus.

The full description is posted on Monster.com.

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