What a Prison Guard Thinks on His First Day at Work

Writer's note . . . This is the second installment of my new way of doing hubs. Today I am a prison guard that is on my first day on the job. And the text below are the thoughts I am thinking. Thank you for reading this hub. Kenneth

This professional corrections officer is making her tour of the facility where she works.
This professional corrections officer is making her tour of the facility where she works.
Professional prison guards like this do not spend their time smiling and having a good time.
Professional prison guards like this do not spend their time smiling and having a good time.
Someone is always watching.
Someone is always watching.

I'm on my way.

  • "Glad this prison-issued uniform fits. Man, just look at the stripes on these pants. If I can't be as tough as nails, at least I can look the part--and intimidate the cons."
  • "Why are my palms sweating? I worked in the funeral home for years. I am used to stress so why the sweat on my palms?"
  • "My wife is sure proud of me. Even with the 22 pounds I put on when I was unemployed. I told her that I was nervous because the place I was going to work housed a lot of heartless prisoners who could hurt or kill me and she started asking if my company gave me a paid life insurance policy?"
  • "Why are the neighbors gawking at me? I am just walking to my car."
  • "Why didn't someone tell me that my fly was open?"
  • "Blasted stray dog. Nice doggie. Stay there, doggie. Darn beast bit me. And on my first day of work."

A corrections officer patrols the cell blocks in the California Dept. of Corrections.
A corrections officer patrols the cell blocks in the California Dept. of Corrections.
A female corrections officer takes the fingerprints of a new prisoner.
A female corrections officer takes the fingerprints of a new prisoner.

I do have questions.

  • "Guess I had best wave my wife goodbye until tonight. Say, where is she? The very least she could do is stand at the front of the house and smile to give me confidence."
  • "I got it. To command respect from the prisoners, I will tell them my name is "The Mortician," from my days in the funeral home. I can just see them with their eyes wide-open afraid to breathe when I am on duty."
  • "Wonder if there are any famous prisoners doing time where I will work?"
  • "These prison-issued shoes are killing my corns."
  • "Wy', there's that nice "Mr. Manley," who served in World War II. Oh my. He saluted me. What a respectful gesture. But why now is he bending over with laughter?"
  • "Hey, hold it. My gun belt has not one bullet. Oh, I guess it's a company rule for new guards."

Confederate prisoner of war confinement area.
Confederate prisoner of war confinement area.
Prisoners do not mess with this officer in charge.
Prisoners do not mess with this officer in charge.
The look-out tower.
The look-out tower.
Rikers Island, N.Y., Correctional Facility.
Rikers Island, N.Y., Correctional Facility.
Securing the cells.
Securing the cells.

Problems and more questions.

  • "Wonder if my gun has any . . . BLAM! What a stupid mistake. Thank God the bullet only hit the ground."
  • "Wish I hadn't eat those three bologna sandwiches for lunch. Now I feel so gassy that I feel like I work for Texaco."
  • "Well, there she sits. "Tall Rock State Prison." Time to 'face the music." What's this, welcoming committee? For me? Just look at all of the guards . . .and even some prisoners standing outside with their arms in the air and yelling things!"
  • "I suddenly feel like Bruce Willis. Welcome to the party, pal!"
  • "What was that? A gunshot?! Great that I have cat-like reflexes by diving into the floorboard."
  • "Why are these prisoners rocking my car back and forth? I know they are happy to see a new guard, but this is carrying it a bit far."
  • "That's strange. The other guards are standing still with their hands in the air. These prison customs are going to be tough for me to learn."
  • "There's no need for rock-throwing. What are these guys doing?"
  • "What's that smoke? ( . . . Cough! Gasp! Cough! . . .) Teargas? Why are the other guards wearing those masks? Uh, oh! Prison riot!"
  • "All the prisoners trying to escape simply because today is my first day of work?"

"Wonder if my funeral home job is still open?"

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Comments 2 comments

christalluna1124 profile image

christalluna1124 19 months ago from Dallas Texas

AS A FORMER CORRECTIONAL OFFICER I FOUND THIS TO BE A VERY FUNNY HUB. LOVED IT.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 17 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear christallua1124,

You almost scared the wits out of me with that all capital letters. That does mean yelling right? I just knew I had upset someone.

Thanks for the nice comment and you are one great sport.

Your Friend for Life,

Kenneth

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