Easy Tips On How Not To Get Fired

NOTE: This true story contains NO profane words, phrases, or suggestive areas of the English language. And nowhere in this story will you find references to guns, drugs, alcohol, rape, sex, or other womens' or mens' health problems. This is just a simple story about how you can stay employed if you love your job. (THIS NOTE WAS FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE HUBMASTERS, WHO ARE VERY SELECTIVE ON WHAT THEY PUBLISH).

Let me ask you a question. "Are you employed?" Simple. To the point. If you answered yes, then we have found a common ground for some good communication. If you do nto work, and only give yourself to rock and roll, as the artwork (above, right), signifies, and this is all you are about, then you are not going to like this story.

Not that I have anything against rock and roll. No. Now and again, I pump up my YouTube and some Black Dog by Led Zeppelin and lose myself, but not all time. I am trying to be a responsible grandpa at age 57 and I will succeed with our without Led Zeppelin.

Back to you, the gainfully-employed man or woman. You represent the most important segment in America today. The workers of our country. The people who make things, change things, get things moving and shaping our lives with the work that you do. Right now, I feel like standing to my feet and offering you all a personal salute. I actually did what I said I was going to do--stand to my feet and salute you. There wasn't anyone in the small office I have at home.

Okay. You are employed. You love your job. You love your coworkers and even have a good relationship with your supervisiors, but these are NOT cemented guarantees that you will stay employed. Sorry to be so gloomy, but in 2011, with all the downsizing of companiesa and that awful thing: outsourcing of goods and jobs, YOU NEED TO BE KEENLY AWARE on how you can keep your job and NOT get fired. Yes, I just as easily could have written ways for you TO GET FIRED, but I was afraid that the HubMasters might not approve.

(You might print this story from your HP printer and keep it in your desk at work to look at (only on your time, not company time), to help guide you through the "corporate minefield" that most Americans are trodding everyday. So here we go with my TRUE TIPS on How Not To Get Fired.

1. BOSSES, SUPERVISORS ARE LIKE HAWKS - they are watching you and your coworkers all of the time. I didn't imply that they have secret cameras planted near your desk or in your mens' or ladies' rooms to watch you as in 'watch you,' but they have ways to keep up to date on how you are performing as an employee. You see. As an employee, you represent a monetary investment by the company to train and school you. And then they pay you to do a service or make a product for their company. And you must, at all, times, be on your toes as to not make a foolish error in judgement and lose the job that you have worked at for over 12 years. So my tip here is to always--from the time you arrive to the time you leave, be busy. At something. Even when you are caught up. Do things like dust your office, empty your own trash can. This will show your bosses that you are an 'eager beaver' and a 'busy bee,' and there is not room for lax behavior in your work life.

2. DO NOT BE AN 'ISLAND TO YOURSELF' - be a company person. Use terms like: I love this company  and I am grateful for what this company has done for me, only when you are on break. Do NOT stand up at a coworker's desk and make a public event out of what you are saying. The bosses will view this as wasting time, their time, so be wise as to where you share your 'loving your company' statements with fellow employees. KEEP IN MIND ALWAYS that most companies have people called "sniches," who love to run to the boss and tell them what YOU said at lunch. So always say GOOD things about your company and I do mean if the company is the last on the list of productive companies in the country. You now have a job, if you let your tongue go wild and say what YOU REALLY feel, you could be out on the bricks in a matter of hours. Remember, bad news travels at the speed of light in an office.

Please allow me to comment on the above tip. This really happened to me at a place where I worked in the early 1970's. I was having lunch with coworkers and the gest of the conversation at our table was working conditions. So as a new guy, I wanted to fit in with the "in guys," so I, in my complete inexperience and total abandonment of wisdom, said, "This place would do good if we had a union." That's all I said. I don't even remember anyone acknowledging my remark, but in the morning at 7:00 a.m. (I was working 11:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m.), I was immediately called into the office of the Human Resources Manager who was stern when he asked, "Did you talk about a union last night in this plant?" I could have lied, but I am not a liar. I replied, "yes, but on my own time at supper break." He instantly barked, "You DO NOT have your own time here in this facility! It's OUR time and we don't tolerate talk about unions!" I guess it would have been okay if I hadn't said this next statement while this guy's face was still red, "But what about the First Amendment and Free Speech?" He began to tremble with anger. He told me to go home and NEVER mention unions ever again. I didn't. This is to prove my point, "Mr. and Mrs. Employed Person," watch what YOU say and WHOM you say it to. You cannot have a so-called best friend in your workplace. Jesus was betrayed by one of his own disciples, Judas Iscariot, and friend, there are still a lot of Judas characters left in the workplaces today that will betray your confidence in a heartbeat in order to advance themselves on the job.

3. GO THE EXTRA MILE - when a seminar is posted for people in your office to attend to make themselves better employees, be the first to volunteer. This looks good on your record. And when it comes time for weekend work, do not duck out before 5 p.m. and go home to hide. Say to the boss, "Mister Digby, I would appreciate it if you let me have the priviledge of working this weekend on the Meyers Project. I think I can help get it done, sir," and his face will light up. Soon you will be the one in the office that others are compared to in loyalty, dedication and service. I didn't say you had to like the weekend work, but in the long run, you just might be one of the ones who are not terminated when downsizing, God forbid, should happen in your company.

4. EXTRA MEANS SUCCESS - I know it sounds corny, but corny can mean long-term employment. Come in extra-early and stay extra-late five days a week or ever how long your work week is. Now I know that by doing this you will be called (behind your back) that you are a "Brown Noser," but when was the last time name-calling stopped you, "Mister Industrious"? Oh maybe in your third grade when Johnny Fester, a class bully taunted you for wearing yellow sneakers, but that was years ago. Today you are a man of importance. You are an employed man with lots of pride on his side. Burn some midnight oil, fella. The bosses are watching you and taking notes on who is giving their all and who is not. Be one of the rare employees that doesn't mind working extra hours. You have the secret of knowing that your sacrifices will, one day, pay off.

5. SMILE ALL THE TIME - and I mean ALL of the time--from start of workday, during the workday and at day's end, smile. Even when a customer chews you out and it the problem wasn't created by you, smile and take the verbal friction. And DO NOT fall prey to your real feelings which are at boiling-point inside. Stay cool and smile at them in the face--agree to everything they say. Even when you are called vulgar names, smile. It is the customer who is making a fool of themselves, not you. Your bosses will be amazed at how easily you handled the situation when it wasn't even your fault. What you did was step up and take a hit for a much-less disciplined coworker who has a short temper. The only reason this short-tempered guy is working at your office at all is the president of your firm is his uncle. So take it and smile. People around you will begin to whisper, "That Harold, what a nice guy. He's always got a smile on his face. Wish I felt that good about my job," see? Just by your smiling, you have sparked a feeling of being a better worker in someone who saw you smile. Smiling does pay off. And as an additional option, hand out (only on lunch break) those yellow smiley face decals to coworkers--even to the malcontents. To be honest, you might be some harsh looks, but looks cannot kill you. Bosses can kill your livelihood. Even give the bosses a smiley face decal. They will appreciate your gesture.

6. DRESS FOR SUCCESS - this is a tried and true tip. When you dress so casually that you need is a sign around your neck saying, "I don't care for myself," you are headed for problems in the workplace. Your lack of attention to your appearance says you don't care about your job or company. I didn't suggest that you wear a tuxedo to work. Be sensible. Wear a clean and pressed suit, slacks, shirt and tie--if that is how your office dress code reads. Do it. And do not go around with your shirt tail hanging out like a second year member of a frat club. Tuck in and let success begin is my rule. And please, no pulling off your suit coat, rolling up your sleeves and loosening your tie to show that you are seriously-dedicated to the job at hand. Watch any episode of Criminal Minds and watch the star, Thomas Gibson who plays F.B.I., Behavioral Assessment Unit leader, Aaron Hotchner. He always wears his suitcoat and never rolls up his sleeves or lets his shirt tail drag the ground and he never loosens his tie. Dress like you are a success. Bosses love that.

7. BRING SNACKS TO YOUR COWORKERS - just as a friendly gesture. If you cannot cook and are single, buy tasty snacks at the store and bop in one morning with an armload of your friends' favorite snacks (only to enjoy at lunch break NOT on company time) like Oreo cookies, Fib bars, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Old Gold pretzels, Wheat Thins and a good supply of cheeses that will go great with the Wheat Thins. In the present, you may not reap the harvest of success you are wanting, but just be patient. And bring snacks, not everyday, but often, and on down the road, when promotions are given out, people will remember how you were the one who charged up the office morale with your snack-giving and possibly kick you up to the next level: Management. It just could happen.

8. LAUGH AT BOSSES' JOKES - moderately. Do NOT horse-laugh everything he says. Only the "brown noser," will resort to that. And listen. When he asks for your opinion, do NOT jump and let your mouth blemish your great employment record. Say to the boss, "Sayyy, let me see," this says that you are thinking employee. Bosses love that. And if you disagree with your boss, do it tactfully and diplomatically. You might want to read up on these avenues: Tact and Diplomacy in the workplace. They have books about these subjects in your local library. Check some out, when you are not at work on the weekend, and fine-tune your style of expressing your opinion. Bosses also love men and women who are NOT "yes men or women," they actually get nauseated when a "yes man or woman," comes near them. Did you know that?

9. BE THE BEST LISTENER - this is the last and probably the most important tip. Talking in turn is fine, but a good listener is rare in 2011. When a coworker talks to you, listen. Give him or her your undivided attention. Pay close attention to details in his or her story. Inject what you think is the right advice for the problem. Many times, you should not talk at all--when all the troubled coworker needed is someone (like you) to listen to them and help share their burden. But do not be a good listener on company time unless it's your boss talking to the entire office about certain items or directly to you. And when he brags on you in front of your coworkers, please take my advice and be as humble as you can and say, "Awww, it was a team effort, Mister Digby. There is NO "I" in team and I am honored to just be on this team," and you say this even when none of your coworkers lifted a finger to help you with the project tha won you the cudos from the boss. What you don't want is dissension against you by your coworkers. A harmonious workplace is something that needs to be nurtured and grown. It's a lot nicer to go to your job not worrying about who is going to sabotage your efforts to the boss simply because you didn't mention them in your remarks of thanks when you received The Employee of The Week Award.

There you have it, my friends. Nice sensible and workable tips on how you can improve your chances of keeping your job in today's working world. If you take the time to follow these tips, I can safely say that people in your office will look at you differently and treat you differently.

Always keep in mind that YOU are NOT the company by yourself. It takes a staff working together and getting along to make a better product or service for us Americans to use or buy when we are in the market.

I do wish everyone who reads this story, my best and lots of success in your workplace. And this story and its tips would make an excellent piece of advice for newly-employed boys and girls who are entering our  society as members of the working class.

Remember too, that WalMart founder, Sam Walton, started his empire with just one dimestore and he used some of these principles to build WalMart into a world-wide corporation.

Something to think about.