U.S. Doesn't Warm to Celsius or the Metric System

In Massachusetts and the rest of the United States, the air temperature is measured in degrees of Fahrenheit. This perfectly wonderful scale was used in most of the world up until a short while ago. Some time around 1960 thermometer terrorists began convincing countries to change from the tried and true to something called CENTIGRADE.

At the risk of sounding like a typical provincial American, I have to tell you that Fahrenheit is wonderful!

It has a beautiful 180 degrees between FREEZING and BOILING.

Ah the sheer symmetry of it. One Hundred Eighty Degrees!!!! Half a Circle! An ABOUT FACE!

You skateboarders, snowboarders, bicyclists, motorcyclists, flyers and race-car fans, can certainly appreciate the merits of a 'one-eighty'.

Okay, Okay Centigrade is here to stay so I might as well get used to it. Oh no. Wait a minute. It’s not here to stay after all. They changed it again! Now the ominous sound of Centigrade has been scrapped in favor of the less threatening ‘Celsius’.

In case you ever want to change F degrees to C degrees, there is a rather drawn-out formula you can use.:

1-Multiply the F by 9.
2-Take the product of F times nine and divide it by the number of fingers on your left hand
3-Take the product of F times nine divided by the sum of the digits on your gauche mitt and add FREEZING (32) to it.
4-If you get an answer and it is correct, it will be the Celsian equivalent of the F temperature.

Since this complicated formula is way too wieldy to even consider, I have gone to the trouble of inventing a
new way to convert F to C that is much quicker and easier. The entire system merely requires remembering six easy reference points. Here is the Billrrrr F to C conversion system:


1. FREEZING (32F) is Zero C
2. BOILING (212) equals 100 C
3. BODY TEMPERATURE (98.6) equals 37 C
4. 70 F is 21C
5. 80 F is 27C
6. 90 F is 32C
7. Everything else is either too hot or too cold - just ignore those temperatures; they are not even worth converting.


ENGLISH VERSUS METRIC


Another system that is nearly unique to the U.S. is the method of measuring distance. There are two possibilities - the English System and the Metric system.

Oddly enough, the English don’t even use their own system anymore. They changed to metric along with almost all the other nations of the globe.

But not the U.S.A. We still use the old system that is based on hands, feet, yards, inches and miles. A foot is 12 inches and a yard is three feet. A mile is 5,280 feet.

A hand however is not a specific number of inches.

A hand is what it is. There’s no exact amount to it. If you buy a horse that is 15 hands high, you really don’t know what you’re getting. What if the guy who measures the horse has small hands?

Perhaps the nag is only 12 and a half of your hands . It might be too small for you. Maybe you need a horse that is 21 hands high.

On consideration, I think the English system is too complicated for me and I’m going to switch to metrics.
Then when I put my foot in my mouth as I am wont to do, it will probably only be ten inches instead of 12.

ON FISH

Another strange thing in the U.S. is our fish. Here on Cape Cod and all up and down the East Coast, we catch a lot of flatfish. There are several types including, Halibut, Flounder and Sole. Each adult Flatfish has both eyes on the same side of its head. I guess they are more like Rays than fish. I’ve been catching these fish for over 50 years and they still look weird to me.

LEFTIES

In baseball a good Southpaw is worth his weight in Franklins. (B. Franklin’s photo is on the hundred dollar bill - I looked it up. What with the recession and all, it’s been a long time since most of us have seen one of these)

Anyway, a leftie is worth big dough to the Red Sox or the Yankees……but how much is a lefthander worth to the American people. The answer is a lot!

Of the forty four people elected President of the United States, eight of them have been ‘Portsiders’. These ‘sinistrals’ make up only about twelve per cent of the general population - but about 18 per cent of the Presidents.

The latest is Barack Obama.

Coming before him were - in reverse order:

Bill Clinton - 1993-2001

George Bush (the good one, George Herbert Bush) - 1989-93

Ron Reagan: 1981-89

Gerry Ford: 1974-77

Harry (Give-em Hell) Truman: 1945-53

Herbert Hoover: 1929-33

Mr. Garfield: 1881


Barack is in pretty good company. A lot of people rate Harry Truman as one of the very best CiCs, and Regan and Clinton also have legions of fans. The other lefty presidents also are fondly remembered - the lone exception being Hoover. Most history students, or really old people probably say, “We shudda elected Al Smith!” - (Hoover’s Catholic opponent).



Microwave Recipe

I have found that if you Microwave them on a plate for 30 seconds on high,
JUJYFRUITS will come out soft and delicious.

RECESSION HELP FOR BOOTMAKERS

Sneakers, also called Basketball Shoes, have far outpaced real shoes as preferred footwear. These rubbery foot covers, which probably cost pennies to make, have nearly put shoe and boot makers out of business.
Doing some extensive research in an old book, I found a few ancient uses for boots.
Perhaps the boot makers can increase sales if they can come up with some new advertisements based on old uses.

In the Old West it was unlawful to sell alcoholic spirits to ‘Indians’. Enterprising scofflaws often walked onto the reservation, and right by the government agents, with flasks of ‘firewater’ hidden in their boots. Hence the term - ‘Bootlegger’.

The United States Patent office has granted a patent for boots with pockets in them, for use by NUDISTS.

The current Bootlegging market and the Nudist demographic, might not be enough to stimulate new sales of boots - but I have an idea.

Do you like paying $8.00 for popcorn at the movies? Do you relish paying $5.00 for your Whoppers and your Junior Mints? Wanna lick high prices on your cinematic ice creams?

I think that boots with pockets will be perfect for smuggling goodies into the cinema.
I’ll slosh in with a fifth of Doctor Pepper in my right leg and mountains of JUJYFRUITS, SKITTLES AND M & Ms in my left.

I’m not sure where I’m going to put my soft-serve. I do wear a baseball cap.

Hmmm.