This hub contains very little content, and cannot be published.

Life worsens every day

Donald Trump found himself abandoned by yet another sponsor. Polar bears migrate to Miami Beach. China hacked into your FitBit and stole your heart rate.

Bad things happen to us. We don't need more depressing news. Unless you woke up this morning and noticed you were drbj, all this is more than you can handle.

I'm here to help you avoid common Hubmistakes. Your writing style stinks and you know it. Google will never index you. Even your Golden Retriever doesn't care what you have to say.

Look to me for guidance. After publishing over 900 original online publications on this venerable site, no one is more qualified to navigate you and your compositions through the hazardous riptides and tropical storms of HubPages. Together we will mold you into an accomplished online writer with many positive comments from your fellow denizens.

Learning to write properly will make you into a happy family.
Learning to write properly will make you into a happy family.

Wow, that was a strong image. You now find yourself unable to look away as I guide you forward.

Lesson #1: Be interesting

You are competing with oodles of interesting online people. These sentient humans regularly spill their deepest secrets and most diflugled opinions onto their hubs. You must be even less secretive.

Write you hubs like a Brazilian soap opera. Explain why local police found a dismantled nuclear device in the trunk of your company car. Discuss your motivation for selling orphaned tadpoles on eBay. People want to know this stuff and they want to know it about someone outside their immediate family. You have nothing to lose because the NSA is not watching you.

Take this handy poll

To make you feel like I am interested in you, please answer this handy question

See results without voting

Tabular Data for Tabular People

(click column header to sort results)
If you feel  
and you are  
...then you should  
Happy
Short
buy a ladder
Tired
Unlicensed
enroll in community college
Annoyed
Golfing
order lunch with your smart phone
Slippery
Lost in translation
move to San Antonio
Helpful tips for all of us. Jump in and find yourself.

What about Google?

Yes, Google runs the Internet and yes, Google will look at your writing. Google deploys powerful algorithms designed to derive precisely who is readable and who is badger sputum. Don't wake up one morning to find that Google has deleted you. Your family will move out, leaving you with a Page Rank of zero and piles of abandoned sentences at the foot of your bed.

To that end, or some other end that should become clear soon, I urge you to use keywords and AdWords and only words totally recognizable by Google algorithms. Should you deign to design compositions containing a little too much imagination, Google will slap you down like a fly at a fly swatter convention. It hurts and it leaves a mark.

Herein I present another High Quality image of the same family. A theme develops.
Herein I present another High Quality image of the same family. A theme develops.

Lesson B: Word Count.

Computers cannot measure funny or poignant or sarcastic but they can, with extreme accuracy, count words. These aforementioned computers constantly count and re-count what you write. If your word count changes, the World Wide Web immediately knows about it. Every pop machine and pacemaker connected to the Internet receives notice of what's taken place. HubPages tenderly coaxes you to emit at least 700 words in order to qualify for Real Writing.

Should you mistakenly stop typing at 699 words because the broiler is on fire or your salamander escaped onto the freeway, HubPages doesn't care. HubPages algorithms give no quarter. What would really be nice is a cute little software program that tacks on an extra word or two in order to nudge your composition into realms of High Quality. Imagine the 'Take a Penny" tray at your local gas station checkout. Easy, it would be, to surreptitiously appropriate a word from another Hub that has no redeeming social value.

As a matter of social justice I hereby bequeath these words to other hubs that fall short of the 700 word arbitrary minimum:

  • Squirrel
  • Angel
  • Epic
  • Opportunity
  • Protocol
  • Bacon
  • Flonase
  • Hoosier

If you need a word for your hub, please help yourself. I'm here to help.

This photo is ever-so-slightly different than the previous photo. You're welcome.
This photo is ever-so-slightly different than the previous photo. You're welcome.

If you made it this far, we are a success.

Take time from reading to pat yourself on the back. Don't pat anyone else on the back because that could be construed as microagression. We all get along but only on holidays and movie premiers.

Should you have any questions pleas post them below. Deeply thinking humans will respond with sincerity. Together you will be successful at publishing on HubPages.

The home of drbj, or not.

More by this Author


30 comments

Tom Whitworth profile image

Tom Whitworth 17 months ago from Moundsville, WV

Love microaggression. What a wordsmith.


NateB11 profile image

NateB11 17 months ago from California, United States of America

I feel like this Hub contains a lot of content, though the title is misleading. I also agree that patting on the back is often construed as microaggression and we don't like friendliness unless on holidays and movie thingies.

I read most of this Hub.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 17 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Tom, thanks for reading and not getting microaggressive.

@NateB11, which part did you not read? I sense a hint of passive microaggression.


psychicdog.net profile image

psychicdog.net 17 months ago

This hub is deeply flawed like the reader of it - yes, it had me Rolling All Over the FLAW laughing. The sequence of family pics is incomplete - the baby is supposed to be sneezing over the sunflower in Pic 3. Where is it?! Nicomp, you have floored me admirably AGAIN! :)


nicomp profile image

nicomp 17 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Doggy, you are so nice!

In the fourth pic the Mum and Dad fed the flower to the unsuspecting baby. It's a tree-hugger scenario that I could not tolerate.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 17 months ago

You made me laugh, which in light of this mess we call a country is no small accomplish. Thank you, but Hubpages may still not feature your hub!


somethgblue profile image

somethgblue 17 months ago from Shelbyville, Tennessee

I'm sorry but flonase isn't a word and to be truly clever you would have created a word from your list of extra words that could have been read vertically (using the first letter from each word) such as badger sputum, which is actually two words but worth stealing, none the less.

I favor camel vomit myself but badger sputum could be that secret ingredient that gives every dish that distinct unidentifiable taste we all crave. Of course the most difficult thing about acquiring Badger Lung Cheese is stalking and extracting said delicacy.

Awesome vocabulary, and here I thought I was the master . . . I humbly bow down and worship the supreme one, of course it is really hard to type and bow and the same time.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 17 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@somethgblue -- Flonase is indeed a word. I squirt it up my nose every morning.

I wrote many hubs that spelled words vertically and no one ever noticed. If you find one of them, let me know 'cause I'm too busy defending Flonase to go look.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 17 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Breakfastpop -- The hub doesn't need to be featured when nice people such as yourself are visiting it.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 17 months ago

Thank you nicomp....


somethgblue profile image

somethgblue 17 months ago from Shelbyville, Tennessee

I sit corrected, it is a word just like flosputum, which is actually the reverse, as it has a tendency squirt out the nose, usually at the most inappropriate times.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 17 months ago from California Gold Country

"Flonase is indeed a word. I squirt it up my nose every morning."

If you squirt a word up your nose every morning, you should be able to sneeze out a sentence in no time. I enjoyed your stellar attempt and voted Yes.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 17 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

Rochelle Frank : jump in any time. We need your common sense perspective to cancel out SomethgBlue.


somethgblue profile image

somethgblue 17 months ago from Shelbyville, Tennessee

I see that when anyone disagrees with your adolescent ramblings you merely use the handy dandy delete button, a sure sign of intellectual insecurity.

Adios.


Barbara Kay profile image

Barbara Kay 17 months ago from USA

This was interesting to read. I love your style and your sense of humor. My question is, does it really help to add more words? Have you ever tried it have seen "Google Love" increase. I'm asking, because if it really does I'll give it a try.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 17 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@somethgblue , As I told you once before, I only delete comments that are profane or include links. Your comments are in a category all their own. Keep in mind that all my hubs are configured to hide comments until I approve them: you may have to wait to see yourself.

do widzenia


nicomp profile image

nicomp 17 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Barbara Kay , thank you for your kind words.

The word count on a hub will drive whether or not HubPages allows Google to index it. I think the current minimum is 700 words. HubPages also wants photos and stuff like that: I am unclear if a photo is required for the NOINDEX tag to be removed from hub by HubPages.

As for Google, their advice is "write good." Seriously. That's pathetic advice but Google gets to make their own rules. I have many hubs on the subject:

http://hubpages.com/literature/Google-Style-Guide-...

http://hubpages.com/literature/How-to-Write-on-a-S...

http://hubpages.com/community/Theres-no-such-thing...


psychicdog.net profile image

psychicdog.net 17 months ago

Have you given up your day job Nicomp? Are you now fulltime spewing sentences. If so, you deseve it - all the hard work finally paid off. Your baby looks georgeous and a very happy little sunflower sniffer!


psychicdog.net profile image

psychicdog.net 17 months ago

Also wanted to mention that I think Im turning into a tabular person and not sure what to do about it.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 17 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@PsychicDog - I am doing anything to avoid writing my dissertation.

We always suspected you had a tabular bent. Welcome.


drbj profile image

drbj 17 months ago from south Florida

Just noticed, dear heart, that my buddy, 'nicomp,' is now 'nicomp, really.' What happened to the plain unadulterated nicomp, pardon the expression?

Just wanted to let you know that I could take umbrage at your statement mentioning me in your second paragraph . . . if I knew what that word meant.

On the other hand, any mention of my name is free publicity as good ole Mr. Hershey of the Hershey Chocolate company used to say. He cautioned his employees not to pick up stray Hershey wrappers from the city pavement since they represented free advertising.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 17 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj,

1. There was some consternation surrounding me being the real nicomp rather than an impostor

2. I'm not that good of a writer and it was supposed to be complementary and I think there is an OTC remedy for your umbrage.

3. Never knew that about Milton. Did Mr. Menthol and Ms. Gatorade say the same thing?


somethgblue profile image

somethgblue 17 months ago from Shelbyville, Tennessee

All it took to cancel me out was to share your inane prattle on one of my Hubs and it seems since you felt a need to share your meaningless superfluous persiflage with another hub writer and you may have cancelled them out as well.

Not one of your finer hours, of course the best defense is not always being offensive, I mean with a little common sense and tact you could have garnered two new fans . . . instead you merely cancelled them out.

The fear of admitting when you are wrong prevents more people from recognizing the truth than any other factor I know . . . but hey its your world I was just visiting, if you prefer to wallow in ignorance whom am I to stop you.


drbj profile image

drbj 17 months ago from south Florida

Thanks for the explanation re #1. Re #2, even if I knew what it was, I doubt I would take umbrage at anything you wrote pertaining to me. I'd be too busy laughing!

As for #3, I never met Mr. Menthol but I was introduced years ago to Mr. Gatorade, Prof. Robert Cade, the inventor, at the U of Florida. He was a pretty cool guy.


psychicdog.net profile image

psychicdog.net 17 months ago

Nicomp, it looks like you will break records for the number of comments on a hub that contains very little content and cannot be published? Not to mention the number of email alerts I've had. LOL


nicompy 17 months ago

I love this! Writing is very excellent.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@psychicdog.net : Looks like the comments grounded to a halt. Sigh!


psychicdog.net profile image

psychicdog.net 13 months ago

More inane prattle Nicomp - you are The Master - I hope you're getting paid like you deserve for this. As a follower I feel extremely priveleged to be in the presence of you (please forgive my badger sputum - I'm not worthy!)


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@psychicdog.net : my pay is hearing from folks like you!


bradmasterOCcal profile image

bradmasterOCcal 13 months ago from Orange County California

It seems that you had an adequate ROI on this article.

Clever hook.

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