As many of you know, i will be running for the Presidency of the United States in 2016. According to my polling numbers, I am well ahead of any other potential candidates who are not American citizens, and who do not intend to move to Washington once elected.
I must, however, make a revelation which I hope will not erode the support of my followers. Over the past few months, I too have exchanged flirtatious emails with General Petraeus. It all started innocently enough. In August of this year, I had asked the CIA leader if he could help me smuggle into Canada some Peter Pan Peanut Butter (not currently available here in Canada). Mr. Petraeus replied that he would be happy to provide me assistance, as I will no doubt become Commander 'N Chief in a few years. In exchange for his service however, he indicated that he wanted me to "#@%@%@%^ his Peter Pan".
Well, suffice to say, one thing lead to another. I am not proud of our electronic intercourse, but in my defense, I do so love Peter Pan Peanut Butter.
Although there was no physical interaction between the two of us, and the only evidence of our internet correspondence is a series of emails and a peanut butter-laced keyboard, I want to come clean with you, the American public.
I ask for your forgiveness, and request that you please do not tell me wife (or she will never let me use the computer again)
Of course, it was a condition of getting the 6 figure deals with several well known British gossip mags. I had to come across as trusting and naive lol! Important to get in first though, it gets real old after seven or eight women come out as having been used and abused by the GO.. Hope you didn't mind me photoshopping your head onto that young hunks body.
Honesty is always the best policy, GO. I commend you for fessing up to your penchant for Peter Pan Peanut Butter. Perhaps the best course of action is to run as an independent or start your own third party. Here in the States, you're up against two fairly well entrenched giants. The Skippy Party and the Jif Party. Both are well known for runng smear campaigns, with budgets sweetened by big jelly PACS. Oh yes -- the red jams (strawberry, raspberry) vs. the blue jams (concord grape). You might do well to reach out to the fluff o nutters... (Oh wait, duh. That's a given).
Well, good luck to you on your campaign. As to the Petraeus connection, I wouldn't worry about it. Our 24-hour news cycle will no doubt be a 24-second news cycle by 2016. Petraeus is already rapidly fading from his own story. In a few weeks no one will remember his name. On the other hand, I understand this Jill Kelley chick has a twin who is a mother seeking to regain custody of her son. Choosy mothers choose Jif. But don't dismiss a possible celebrity endorsement for your PP candidacy...
As you dont have to do the job for another four years, we could use you in the good ole United Kingdom. We have a rather old institution called the BBC that would need someone of your calibre to lead it. (I think the peanut butter thing could be arranged-) just e mail callmedave@No10.gov.uk
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