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I'd like feedback on my Hub: Electric Dreamscape

  1. aida-garcia profile image74
    aida-garciaposted 19 months ago

    Hi Hubbers,

    I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub Electric Dreamscape. What can I do to improve? Thanks!

    1. theraggededge profile image95
      theraggededgeposted 19 months ago in reply to this

      Hi there,

      I apologise in advance for being a bit harsh with my critique but it's the only way I can give you feedback. You've chosen an interesting topic to write about, but there is much for you to work on.

      Your article launches without a proper introduction explaining what it is about. I have never heard of electric dreamscape is, and even after skimming through your piece - I still have no idea.

      An electric dreamscape isn't a 'trait' A trait is a pattern of behaviour or a characteristic.

      Your sentences are too long, lacking punctuation and overly convoluted for a casual reader to understand. Divine is spelled incorrectly. Apostrophes are used incorrectly. Here's an example:

      "Another trait that is very profound is the fact that during a near death experience or out of body experience is the fact that many people experience seeing a devine light in or out of the dreamscape where a supreme being guides you through a series of drama's or leads you somewhere into the light."

      A trait is unlikely to be profound. You say 'is the fact' twice, which is two times too many. That sentence could start after the second 'fact' and, with a comma or two, it would make more sense. Cut out unnecessary words.

      You have a paragraph that begins with "Returning to the relativity question... " The theory of relativity hasn't been mentioned previously, so you can't 'return' to it.

      I think you need to work on your English language and grammar skills. One tip is to read your article out loud - any awkward phrasing will become plain.

      Good luck.

      Edit: I just had a look at your profile and am surprised to see you have 148 hubs, have a BSc from Phoenix, and are a published author.

      1. DasEngel profile image61
        DasEngelposted 19 months ago in reply to this

        Oh come on! These days authors are paid for their ideas. The editors do the most of the boring stuff like grammar, punctuation, presentation etc

        1. theraggededge profile image95
          theraggededgeposted 19 months ago in reply to this

          Ha ha... authors paid for their ideas - funny. You are living in the past. These days authors have to make all their own revisions. Anyway, no editor is going to help a sub-standard hub pass QAP.

          Perhaps, you could offer the OP some suggestions, Das, seeing as you know so much about it?

          1. DasEngel profile image61
            DasEngelposted 19 months ago in reply to this

            I meant to say real publishing, not self-publishing big_smile

            1. theraggededge profile image95
              theraggededgeposted 19 months ago in reply to this

              'Real' publishing too. You think writers have their work done for them? Think again. Go read some writers' blogs. My sister-in-law is an editor of a newspaper. Work is returned to writers for revision if not up to scratch.

              It's possible to use the services of an editor when you are self-publishing but you have to pay for it.

              Ideas are cheap. Writing is hard work.

              1. DasEngel profile image61
                DasEngelposted 19 months ago in reply to this

                Depends on what kind of an editor you have for you wink

                1. DasEngel profile image61
                  DasEngelposted 19 months ago in reply to this

                  big_smile

                  1. theraggededge profile image95
                    theraggededgeposted 19 months ago in reply to this

                    Still no helpful suggestions for the OP?

      2. DrMark1961 profile image91
        DrMark1961posted 19 months ago in reply to this

        Since you are from the UK you may have never heard of Phoenix, so if you are interested you might want to look it up on the internet.

        1. theraggededge profile image95
          theraggededgeposted 19 months ago in reply to this

          Ah... got it.

          By the way, Dr Mark, MableAble's ears have improved enormously. Still have to clean them, but she hardly ever shakes her head these days big_smile

 
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