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Love some feed back

  1. thetruanttrain profile image81
    thetruanttrainposted 6 weeks ago

    Would love some feed back on my flash-fiction story. Thx.
    http://hubpages.com/literature/Flash-Fi … tting-Good

    1. theraggededge profile image92
      theraggededgeposted 6 weeks ago in reply to this

      I think the advice these days is that 'I woke up and it was all a dream' is a cliché to be avoided at all costs. It negates any tension or drama that went before. It makes readers feel cheated and leaves them disappointed.

      Flash fiction is such a fun form of writing - you can do anything with it and leave all those clichés behind.

      1. thetruanttrain profile image81
        thetruanttrainposted 6 weeks ago in reply to this

        Thank you for taking the time to give me some advice and yeah I agree-I will check my story and try to come up with another ending. It would be a fun thing to do, as I love to write.

  2. Marisa Wright profile image93
    Marisa Wrightposted 6 weeks ago

    I agree, the end is an awful anti-climax!   It would be better ending with a twist to the tail (maybe it turns out Joanna is an alien too and the ship has come to take her home?).

    Some detailed feedback:  If you've done any writing courses, you'll know that words ending in "-ly" should be used with caution.   There's nothing wrong with them, just that they're often the lazy way of conveying something - so every time you're tempted to use one, stop and ask yourself whether there's a better option, possibly with a more descriptive verb.  When you're writing flash fiction, every word needs to count!   So for instance, "suddenly" is a bit weak to start a sentence.

    The reason I think you've done a writing course is that you seem to be going to great lengths to avoid using "she".   You don't have to:  that's another of those things that gets exaggerated.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with starting a sentence with "she"".   We know now that pronouns are virtually invisible to readers, they just skim over them so they're not an irritation. 

    The trouble with avoiding "she" is that it leads to clunky sentences with clauses tacked on in front when they'd read better after, or passive voice which slows the narrative down and makes it bland.  Start using it and you'll be able to use more action verbs which will liven things up.

    In fact once the reader knows the character's name, it's best to avoid using her name and use "she" instead, unless you need to distinguish her from another character.  That helps the reader identify with the character - when you keep repeating the character's name, you're reminding the reader that this is a separate person and not them at all.

    The only thing you need to avoid is starting every sentence that way.  Have one sentence starting with she, then two or three that don't, then you can safely use it again.

    1. thetruanttrain profile image81
      thetruanttrainposted 6 weeks ago in reply to this

      Thank you so much for the advice-I think I do worry about the `she` thing and this is definitely an area I have felt I needed to improve. Great advice from both you and the raggededge.

      thx.

      1. Marisa Wright profile image93
        Marisa Wrightposted 6 weeks ago in reply to this

        Yes, I remember going through a phase like that a few years ago.   I joined a writing site and had all these "rules" thrown at me by other writers.   It took me ages to work out that people exaggerate - they had me feeling as though I'd be lynched if I started a sentence with "she", and possibly run out of town if I dared use a word ending in ly!  Whereas the truth is, both are fine to use, just not to over-use.  Relax and enjoy!

 
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