I'd like feedback on my Hub: Blue Tape Confession

  1. BlueGloves profile image70
    BlueGlovesposted 4 months ago

    Hi Hubbers,

    I'm fairly nice here so still learning how to use the site (thank you) I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub Blue Tape Confession (must be signed in to view). What can I do to improve? I know that HubPages is not too keen on fiction (so I heard) but I am writing this mostly for myself, please have a look and feedback is welcome of course, thanz

    1. theraggededge profile image96
      theraggededgeposted 4 months ago in reply to this

      Hey there, BlueGloves,

      I like the beginning of your story, however, I'm going to make some suggestions.

      Firstly proofread carefully. Read the text put loud and you may pick up some errors, mostly word use. Here are a couple I spotted:

      Smoothing/soothing
      Breaks/brakes
      He/the (I think)
      Shallow/swallow
      Magical/magically.

      It's really important that you snag your reader right from the start, so why not start in the middle of the action as dad slams on the brakes? Having said that, why did he slam on the brakes? Was it simply to make our heroine fall off the seat? Or did he think he saw something in the road? Also pay attention to continuity - one minute you are passing through a desert, next you're pulling up outside a spooky dracula-style house.

      Also, you need to set it up, so the reader wants to read on. At only four paragraphs it's a very short chapter but you've already given the game away at the end of it. What you need is to build up the tension. Think about scary movies you've watched. In the beginning the protagonist is shown in their normal, happy life but you, the viewer are given clues that all might not be well. The bit where mom is confused... could you make that clearer, more important?

      Anyway, good start. See if you can make it sparkle.

  2. BlueGloves profile image70
    BlueGlovesposted 4 months ago

    Hi, TheRaggedEdge

    Thank you so much for the feedback, I will work on it and make some parts more clearer (I can emphasis the Mom's worry and the importance of the blue VHS tape)

    Really appreicate the feed back smile Happy St. Paddy's Day

 
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