Give us your "walks into a bar" joke

1. 60

   nicompposted 14 years ago

   A traveling salesman, a clown, a horse, and a midget walk into a bar...
   
   The bartender says "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

   replyreport
   1. 57

      johnmossyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      A man walks into a bar. He is wearing an apple pie on his head.
      Has his usual drink, thanks the barman and leaves.
      Next day the man returns and has  his usual drink.
      This time he is wearing a banana on his head.
      The barman  asks him;
      
      Why have you got a banana on your head?
      
      The man replied:: Because they  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
      xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
      Well... What do youthink his reply was??

      replyreport
      1. 60

         nicompposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Arrggghhh. Tell us!

         replyreport
         1. 57

            johnmossyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            All in good time ..all will be revealed.In the meantime    have a guess

            replyreport
            1. 91

               Rochelle Frankposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Because they were out of apple pies?

               replyreport
               1. 57

                  johnmossyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  You got it.
                  
                  Do you think a joke with missing punchline is a joke?

                  replyreport
2. 78

   marcofratelliposted 14 years ago

   There were two men walking down the road.
   One of the men walks into a bar.
   The other one ducked.

   replyreport
   1. 85

      DzyMsLizzyposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I heard a similar version:
      A man walks into a bar and says, "ouch!"

      replyreport
3. 74

   Eaglekiwiposted 14 years ago

   A blind man walks into a bar swinging his dog around by the tail..
   
   "Hey' the barman calls "What are you doing that for?"
   
   
   "Oh" the blind man answers "Just taking a look around"

   replyreport
4. 60

   tantrumposted 14 years ago

   A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."
   
   The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

   replyreport
   1. 0

      \Brenda Scullyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      is that funny i suppose it might me to some people... i saw a huge thick book entitled walk into bar jokes at airport yesterday.... wish i would have bought it now

      replyreport
      1. 0

         Ghost32posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I think it's hilarious...but only because I could HEAR the Irish brogue as the fellow replied, "...It's driving me nuts!"

         replyreport
5. 72

   livewithrichardposted 14 years ago

   A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
   sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna
   hear a blonde joke?
   
   The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
   voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
   think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
   things:
   
   1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
   2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
   3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
   4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight-lifter
   5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
   
   Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?
   
   The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
   "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

   replyreport
   1. 74

      Eaglekiwiposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Ohhhh thats a classic

      replyreport
      1. 0

         \Brenda Scullyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         i really really like it

         replyreport
6. 61

   logic,commonsenseposted 14 years ago

   My favorite:
   A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender gives him the beer and says,"Why the long face?"

   replyreport
7. 0

   \Brenda Scullyposted 14 years ago

   paddy and murphy and  go to the pub every night and sit together at the bar every night, and order a pint of guiness each round for twenty some years......
   
   Murphy goes to live abroad, but Paddy still goes into the bar every night and pulls up 2 stools and drinks his guiness and Paddy's as he misses his brother so much and everyone in the pub goes along with the senario...
   
   Another 20 years go by
   
   One evening Paddy goes in to the pub pulls up two stools but every time he orders a round only gets one beer.  Everyone notices but no one has the courage to say anything...
   
   At the end of the evening the bar man goes up to Paddy and says
   "should have said this earlier, so sorry to hear about your brother"
   Paddy looked puzzled   "Murphy is fine"
   
   What do you mean he asked the bar man
   
   "one drink each round presumed your brother had died"
   
   AH NO IT IS ME I HAVE GIVEN UP DRINK FOR LENT...........

   replyreport
8. 91

   Rochelle Frankposted 14 years ago

   A length of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer.
   The barkeeper says,"get out of her right now, we don't serve ropes in here.
   
   The rope exits, but thinks he might try disguising himself. He ties himself into a complicated knot and fluffs each end into a  tangled fluffy tassel, before re-entering the bar and ordering a beer.
   
   The barkeeper looks at him suspiciously and says, " Say, aren't you that piece of rope I just kicked out of here?"
   "No," says the rope,"I'm a frayed knot."

   replyreport
9. 61

   Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

   This question has made me suddenly realize that I don't have any "walks into a bar" jokes.     What kind of person lives to be more than two decades old without having any "walks into a bar jokes"?    (I also don't have any "___ walks up to a _____" jokes either.

   replyreport
   1. 57

      johnmossyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Dont feel too bad..
      
      Tell another joke..
      
      Try......"man walks into doctor"

      replyreport
10. 0

    \Brenda Scullyposted 14 years ago

    a man goes in to a bar and he has a ship on his head
    
    Excuse me says the bar man ..... did you know you have a ship on your head
    
    I always have a ship on my head on tuesday
    
    Well it is thursday today
    
      Oh my god i do feel a fool

    replyreport
11. 91

    Rochelle Frankposted 14 years ago

    A doctor stops into the local bar every Friday and orders a daqueri with shaved almonds on top.
    The bartender knows his usual order and is always ready for the doctor on Friday.
    After about a year the bartender realizes it it Friday and he is out of almonds. He rummages through his supply of garnishes and finds some hickory nuts which he grates on top of the doctor's drink.
    The doctor tastes it and says, "This doesn't taste like the drink you usually make."
    "I know," says the bartender, "I am out of almonds. This is a hickory daqueri, doc."

    replyreport
    1. 85

       DzyMsLizzyposted 4 years agoin reply to this

       Groan....

       replyreport
12. 86

    Rik Ravadoposted 14 years ago

    good one Rochelle!
    
    A bear goes into a bar and all the customers run for the exit.  the barman says nervously, "What do you want?". 
    The bear says, "A double Scotch."  The barman gives the bear his drink. 
    "How much?" says the bear.  "£20," says the barman hoping to get some money back having lost all his customers.  The bear drains the glass and asks for another.
    After the bear's fourth drink is served the barman thinks he is onto a good thing so he starts making conversation.  "We don't get many bears in here, you know."
    "I'm not surprised at these prices," replies the bear.

    replyreport
13. 70

    Plants and Oilsposted 14 years ago

    Three slabs of road walk into a pub. They go to the bar, and the black slab says, "A pint of John Smith's, please".
    
    The red slab says, "A pint of Foster's, please". The green slab punches another customer, smashes a few glasses, and leaves.
    
    "What's that about?" says the barman.
    
    "Ah," says the black slab, "don't mind him, he's a cycle-path."

    replyreport
14. 57

    johnmossyposted 14 years ago

    Man walks into a bar and says:
    Barman--Pour me a pint of beer that is warm, cloudy ,
    has no head and tastes like catspee.
    Barman:  I'm sorry sir  but we do not serve such
    drink in this establishment.
    Man:  Well , you did last time I was in here...
    
    .................................................................
    
    I always laugh at this joke-----and I've heard it before

    replyreport
15. 91

    Rochelle Frankposted 14 years ago

    Is this all of the "walks into a bar" jokes we can come up with? I can't believe I came up with two old favorites and I never even walk into bars, myself.

    replyreport
16. 61

    Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

    Maybe I'm not the only one with no "walks-into-a-bar" joke (although, now that Nicomp posted that cute one and easy-to-remember one, I kind of do.    )....     (I guess the reason I never have jokes it that I don't remember the ones that have more than a few lines, even if they're good.)

    replyreport
17. 59

    Valerie Fposted 14 years ago

    An absent-minded ballerina walks into a barre.

    replyreport
18. 75

    blaise25posted 14 years ago

    O man, Jacko seen alive!!!
    
    
    
    
    Everyone in the bar turned to look...
    
    
    
    
    "yeah, before he died.."

    replyreport
19. 61

    Pete Maidaposted 14 years ago

    A lady walks in a bar and calls to the bartender, "Hey barkeep give me a harheeny for my heartburn."
    The bartender assumes she means a martini and gives her one.
    A little later the lady called, "Hey barkeep give me a harheeny for my heartburn."
    The bartender starts getting annoyed but he gives her another martini.
    A little later the lady called, "Hey barkeep give me a harheeny for my heartburn."
    The bartender couldn't help himself he said,"Lady I am a bartender not a barkeep.  This is a martini not a harheeny and it you get your boob out of the ashtray you wouldn't have heartburn."

    replyreport
20. 69

    lrohnerposted 14 years ago

    A Jew and a Chinese man walk into a bar, sit down and order some drinks. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
    The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
    
    The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."
    
    The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me."
    
    The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking.
    
    About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
    
    The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic."
    
    The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."
    
    The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."

    replyreport
21. 71

    maven101posted 14 years ago

    A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"

    replyreport
22. 69

    thisisoliposted 13 years ago

    A man walks in to a bar, Ouch, he says.

    replyreport
23. 79

    Aficionadaposted 13 years ago

    A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The barkeep serves it and asks,"What's wrong?  You look like you're down in the dumps."
    
    The mushroom says, "My girlfriend just broke up with me.  She complained that we never go out any more; I never tell her jokes or make her laugh; I never give her Silly String or a whoopee cushion."
    
    He continued, tears spilling into his glass, "I just don't understand it.  I really AM a fun guy!"

    replyreport
24. 79

    LeanManposted 13 years ago

    A woodworm with no teeth walks into a bar and says "is the bar tender here?".......
    
    Think about it... (could be the worst bar joke I could think of..)

    replyreport
25. 79

    LeanManposted 13 years ago

    Man walks into a bar deep deep in the countryside, not sure what to order he waits a few minutes until a local approaches the bar to order...
    
    "A pint of Rat" the man says.. The barman reaches under the bar, there is a scurrying sound and the barman slams a rat down hard on the bar and drops it in the glass.....
    
    The man watches in disbelief as the customer walks away, and decides to wait for the next customer..
    
    "A pint of rat please" says the next customer and the performance is repeated and the dead rat dropped in the glass..
    
    Nervous of the fact that people are starting to look at him with him not having a drink he plucks up the courage and asks for "A half of Rat please"...
    
    The Barman reaches under the bar, pulls out a rat, slams it on the bar, then proceeds to tear off its tail and head with his teeth, then drops it in the glass and hands it to him....
    
    "I can't drink that" says the man..
    
    "Why not?" replies the barman..
    
    "It doesn't have a head.."

    replyreport
26. 75

    cheaptrickposted 5 years ago

    A Skeleton walks into a bar and says
    "I'll have a pitcher of Beer and a Mop"...

    replyreport
27. 93

    FatFreddysCatposted 4 years ago

    A guy walks into a bar and notices a horse standing in the corner of the room. He asks the bartender what the story is and he says, "If you can make the horse laugh, you win $1000."
    
    The guy says "I can do that." He walks over to the horse, whispers something in its ear, and the horse's hysterical laughter echoes through the entire room. The bartender hands the guy his $1000 and he leaves.
    
    A year later, same guy, walks into the same bar and sees the same horse in the corner. The bartender taps him on the shoulder and says, "I remember you buddy. You're the only one who ever won the $1000. Double or nothing you can't make the horse CRY this time."
    
    The man walks confidently over to the horse, and in a split second the horse is bawling hysterically, to the amazement of everyone in the room.
    
    As the bartender counts out the man's prize money, he says "Look, buddy, you gotta tell me your secret. How did you do that? What did you tell that horse?"
    
    The guy says, "Easy. The first time, I told him my d**k was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him."

    replyreport
28. 95

    Rupert Taylorposted 4 years ago

    A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer.
    
    The barman thinks it won't know any better and said "That'll be $20." He added "We don't get many gorillas in here."
    
    The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at $20 a pint."

    replyreport