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Give us your "walks into a bar" joke

  1. nicomp profile image61
    nicompposted 7 years ago

    A traveling salesman, a clown, a horse, and a midget walk into a bar...

    The bartender says "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

    1. profile image61
      johnmossyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      A man walks into a bar. He is wearing an apple pie on his head.
      Has his usual drink, thanks the barman and leaves.
      Next day the man returns and has  his usual drink.
      This time he is wearing a banana on his head.
      The barman  asks him;

      Why have you got a banana on your head?

      The man replied:: Because they  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
      xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
      Well... What do youthink his reply was??

      1. nicomp profile image61
        nicompposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Arrggghhh. Tell us!

        1. profile image61
          johnmossyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          All in good time ..all will be revealed.In the meantime    have a guess

          1. Rochelle Frank profile image88
            Rochelle Frankposted 7 years ago in reply to this

            Because they were out of apple pies?

            1. profile image61
              johnmossyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

              You got it.

              Do you think a joke with missing punchline is a joke?

  2. marcofratelli profile image83
    marcofratelliposted 7 years ago

    There were two men walking down the road.
    One of the men walks into a bar.
    The other one ducked.

  3. Eaglekiwi profile image75
    Eaglekiwiposted 7 years ago

    A blind man walks into a bar swinging his dog around by the tail..

    "Hey' the barman calls "What are you doing that for?"


    "Oh" the blind man answers "Just taking a look around" lol

  4. tantrum profile image61
    tantrumposted 7 years ago

    A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."

    The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

    1. profile image0
      \Brenda Scullyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      is that funny i suppose it might me to some people... i saw a huge thick book entitled walk into bar jokes at airport yesterday.... wish i would have bought it now

      1. profile image0
        Ghost32posted 7 years ago in reply to this

        I think it's hilarious...but only because I could HEAR the Irish brogue as the fellow replied, "...It's driving me nuts!"

  5. livewithrichard profile image84
    livewithrichardposted 7 years ago

    A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
    sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna
    hear a blonde joke?

    The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
    voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
    think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
    things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
    3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight-lifter
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
    "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

    1. Eaglekiwi profile image75
      Eaglekiwiposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Ohhhh thats a classic lol lol

      1. profile image0
        \Brenda Scullyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        i really really like it

  6. profile image71
    logic,commonsenseposted 7 years ago

    My favorite:
    A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender gives him the beer and says,"Why the long face?"

  7. profile image0
    \Brenda Scullyposted 7 years ago

    paddy and murphy and  go to the pub every night and sit together at the bar every night, and order a pint of guiness each round for twenty some years......

    Murphy goes to live abroad, but Paddy still goes into the bar every night and pulls up 2 stools and drinks his guiness and Paddy's as he misses his brother so much and everyone in the pub goes along with the senario...

    Another 20 years go by

    One evening Paddy goes in to the pub pulls up two stools but every time he orders a round only gets one beer.  Everyone notices but no one has the courage to say anything...

    At the end of the evening the bar man goes up to Paddy and says
    "should have said this earlier, so sorry to hear about your brother"
    Paddy looked puzzled   "Murphy is fine"

    What do you mean he asked the bar man

    "one drink each round presumed your brother had died"

    AH NO IT IS ME I HAVE GIVEN UP DRINK FOR LENT...........

  8. Rochelle Frank profile image88
    Rochelle Frankposted 7 years ago

    A length of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer.
    The barkeeper says,"get out of her right now, we don't serve ropes in here.

    The rope exits, but thinks he might try disguising himself. He ties himself into a complicated knot and fluffs each end into a  tangled fluffy tassel, before re-entering the bar and ordering a beer.

    The barkeeper looks at him suspiciously and says, " Say, aren't you that piece of rope I just kicked out of here?"
    "No," says the rope,"I'm a frayed knot."

  9. Lisa HW profile image84
    Lisa HWposted 7 years ago

    This question has made me suddenly realize that I don't have any "walks into a bar" jokes.  hmm   What kind of person lives to be more than two decades old without having any "walks into a bar jokes"?  hmm  (I also don't have any "___ walks up to a _____" jokes either.

    1. profile image61
      johnmossyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Dont feel too bad..

      Tell another joke..

      Try......"man walks into doctor"

  10. profile image0
    \Brenda Scullyposted 7 years ago

    a man goes in to a bar and he has a ship on his head

    Excuse me says the bar man ..... did you know you have a ship on your head

    I always have a ship on my head on tuesday

    Well it is thursday today

      Oh my god i do feel a fool

  11. Rochelle Frank profile image88
    Rochelle Frankposted 7 years ago

    A doctor stops into the local bar every Friday and orders a daqueri with shaved almonds on top.
    The bartender knows his usual order and is always ready for the doctor on Friday.
    After about a year the bartender realizes it it Friday and he is out of almonds. He rummages through his supply of garnishes and finds some hickory nuts which he grates on top of the doctor's drink.
    The doctor tastes it and says, "This doesn't taste like the drink you usually make."
    "I know," says the bartender, "I am out of almonds. This is a hickory daqueri, doc."

  12. Rik Ravado profile image91
    Rik Ravadoposted 7 years ago

    good one Rochelle!

    A bear goes into a bar and all the customers run for the exit.  the barman says nervously, "What do you want?". 
    The bear says, "A double Scotch."  The barman gives the bear his drink. 
    "How much?" says the bear.  "£20," says the barman hoping to get some money back having lost all his customers.  The bear drains the glass and asks for another.
    After the bear's fourth drink is served the barman thinks he is onto a good thing so he starts making conversation.  "We don't get many bears in here, you know."
    "I'm not surprised at these prices," replies the bear.

  13. Plants and Oils profile image94
    Plants and Oilsposted 7 years ago

    Three slabs of road walk into a pub. They go to the bar, and the black slab says, "A pint of John Smith's, please".

    The red slab says, "A pint of Foster's, please". The green slab punches another customer, smashes a few glasses, and leaves.

    "What's that about?" says the barman.

    "Ah," says the black slab, "don't mind him, he's a cycle-path."

  14. profile image61
    johnmossyposted 7 years ago

    Man walks into a bar and says:
    Barman--Pour me a pint of beer that is warm, cloudy ,
    has no head and tastes like catspee.
    Barman:  I'm sorry sir  but we do not serve such
    drink in this establishment.
    Man:  Well , you did last time I was in here...

    .................................................................

    I always laugh at this joke-----and I've heard it before

  15. Rochelle Frank profile image88
    Rochelle Frankposted 7 years ago

    Is this all of the "walks into a bar" jokes we can come up with? I can't believe I came up with two old favorites and I never even walk into bars, myself.

  16. Lisa HW profile image84
    Lisa HWposted 7 years ago

    Maybe I'm not the only one with no "walks-into-a-bar" joke (although, now that Nicomp posted that cute one and easy-to-remember one, I kind of do.  smile  )....     (I guess the reason I never have jokes it that I don't remember the ones that have more than a few lines, even if they're good.)

  17. Valerie F profile image61
    Valerie Fposted 7 years ago

    An absent-minded ballerina walks into a barre.

  18. blaise25 profile image64
    blaise25posted 7 years ago

    O man, Jacko seen alive!!!




    Everyone in the bar turned to look...




    "yeah, before he died.."

  19. Pete Maida profile image60
    Pete Maidaposted 7 years ago

    A lady walks in a bar and calls to the bartender, "Hey barkeep give me a harheeny for my heartburn."
    The bartender assumes she means a martini and gives her one.
    A little later the lady called, "Hey barkeep give me a harheeny for my heartburn."
    The bartender starts getting annoyed but he gives her another martini.
    A little later the lady called, "Hey barkeep give me a harheeny for my heartburn."
    The bartender couldn't help himself he said,"Lady I am a bartender not a barkeep.  This is a martini not a harheeny and it you get your boob out of the ashtray you wouldn't have heartburn."

  20. lrohner profile image84
    lrohnerposted 7 years ago

    A Jew and a Chinese man walk into a bar, sit down and order some drinks. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
    The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."

    The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."

    The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me."

    The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking.

    About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"

    The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic."

    The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."

    The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."

  21. maven101 profile image79
    maven101posted 7 years ago

    A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"

  22. thisisoli profile image57
    thisisoliposted 6 years ago

    A man walks in to a bar, Ouch, he says.

  23. Aficionada profile image93
    Aficionadaposted 6 years ago

    A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The barkeep serves it and asks,"What's wrong?  You look like you're down in the dumps."

    The mushroom says, "My girlfriend just broke up with me.  She complained that we never go out any more; I never tell her jokes or make her laugh; I never give her Silly String or a whoopee cushion."

    He continued, tears spilling into his glass, "I just don't understand it.  I really AM a fun guy!"

  24. LeanMan profile image81
    LeanManposted 6 years ago

    A woodworm with no teeth walks into a bar and says "is the bar tender here?".......

    Think about it... (could be the worst bar joke I could think of..)

  25. LeanMan profile image81
    LeanManposted 6 years ago

    Man walks into a bar deep deep in the countryside, not sure what to order he waits a few minutes until a local approaches the bar to order...

    "A pint of Rat" the man says.. The barman reaches under the bar, there is a scurrying sound and the barman slams a rat down hard on the bar and drops it in the glass.....

    The man watches in disbelief as the customer walks away, and decides to wait for the next customer..

    "A pint of rat please" says the next customer and the performance is repeated and the dead rat dropped in the glass..

    Nervous of the fact that people are starting to look at him with him not having a drink he plucks up the courage and asks for "A half of Rat please"...

    The Barman reaches under the bar, pulls out a rat, slams it on the bar, then proceeds to tear off its tail and head with his teeth, then drops it in the glass and hands it to him....

    "I can't drink that" says the man..

    "Why not?" replies the barman..

    "It doesn't have a head.."

 
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